And…link.

1. Burn After Reading
Although a bit darker in its’ humor, this movie reminded me of I Heart Huckabees in that it was entirely and absolutely comfortable to not at all take itself seriously, resulting in such an inordinate amount of silliness and sarcasm that it was impossible to not giggle furiously the entire way through it. I think, because of how idiosyncratic and individually goofy each character gets, you can’t help but enjoy how much fun the actors probably had playing them, and be even more entertained because of it. “You’re in a league of morons” is one of my favorite quotes ever.
2. In Bruges
Uproariously funny and witty dialogue that combines so well with the surprising amount of legitimate pathos - and absolutely no sappiness to spoil it all. Colin Farrell and Brendan Gleeson played off each other so well. Man, I loved this film.
3. W
Each actor’s interpretation of his/her character alone makes it one of the funniest movies in a while (someone might have thought I was suffering conniptions from all the squirming I was doing while trying to balance out laughing with simultaneously paying attention). Brolin and Dreyfuss (who leans in and speaks in such a gravely-low Cheney voice that he should have ominous music playing in all his scenes) stood out to me.
4. Vicky Cristina Barcelona
It’s already been said, but this film oozes so much sensuality, romance and culture without being a big production, which makes it that much more appreciable. I thought the narration added a whimsical touch, and was very welcome. A lot of movies can show off a locale in a half-decent manner, but Woody Allen clearly knew how to showcase very unique and beautiful aspects of the Spanish countryside and cities.
5. The Wrestler
Rourke’s character and performance alone make this movie resonate deeply. Marisa Tomei was also touching and heartfelt (not to mention extremely good-looking naked). Bruce’s theme song was so fitting and true, and the strip club scenes notwithstanding, the scenes in the deli were perhaps the best in the film (for entirely different reasons); really, we just learn so much about Rourke’s character in those, and gain such a respect for him that one wouldn’t normally expect for a character of his ilk.
6. Frost/Nixon
A really intense movie with great performances and absorbing scenes throughout. Langella was awesome, and I thought Michael Sheen, with how his character was written, was up to task too. In fact, all the supporting parts lent important detail to the film.
7. Milk
Sean Penn was spectacular, as was the recreation of the setting and time period. This movie was very well-paced and didn’t suffer any moments that didn’t hold your attention - always very high marks for me.
8. Happy-Go-Lucky
The detail and empathy in each character and scene in this film was something very few could pull off. Mike Leigh was one of them, and it was made even more impressive by the fact that there wasn’t much of a plot. London was very charming as a backdrop. Just like during the course of the film, Sally Hawkins’ character grows on you after the fact. Such a real film.
9. Man On Wire
Everything in this movie - the interviews, the recreations, the archive footage - was put together so well. There aren’t many more compelling people than Phillipe Petit about whom to make a film, and they didn’t sell him short. Uniquely interesting.
10. Che
The craft of filmmaking on display in this film was astounding. Almost like a very long History Channel re-enactment, really, but so exceedingly well-done.
11. Slumdog Millionaire
The film’s energy was palpable, and the way the premise was executed was wholly original and intriguing. Great music, great atmosphere, and all the top-notch technical work really showcased this vibrancy of the setting in India.
12. Frozen River
Really sympathetic portrayal of an honest, decidedly unglamorous location and its’ protagonists. In this type of movie, you need genuine, subtle, realistic acting to pull off the legitimacy of the film, and it definitely happened here, the three leads especially.
13. The Reader
Very good acting performances by all. Great storytelling that weaves very well and very thoughtfully through different time periods of past and present and connects them like any good film should.
14. The Visitor
Such a leisurely paced and laconic film with great, realistic characters. The directions the film takes seem surprising at first and up being very moving.
15. Stop-Loss
A very sympathetic treatment of individuals in the type of situation that seems often overlooked and not closely examined. This film never tried to be more than it was, which might have been a temptation with the subject matter.
16. The Dark Knight
Ledger and the execution and scope of the set pieces are what elevate this film above the nonsense of how over the top it got. If this movie could have taken a step back for a few seconds and gathered itself anywhere in all the madness, it might be half as good as everyone thought it was. But still supremely well-done in many areas.
17. Hancock
So underrated and misinterpreted by many. Will Smith is so watchable, and the film itself was very likable.
18. Gran Torino
Just a solid movie, with a good slice of Detroit to take in.
19. Revolutionary Road
A very good script, with Michael Shannon’s great character and performance bringing the action (and film) up a few notches. Didn’t get boring like this type of film is often apt to do.
20. Tropic Thunder
Too many side-splitting scenes to discount. Stiller, Downey, and Jack Black were all hilarious.

These two movies were in my original top 20, but were bumped in the last couple weeks as I saw more, so I’m including my initial comments:

> The Curious Case of Benjamin Button - not as interesting as it purports to be, but still a few magical moments. Not really worth all the fuss in the end, but still intriguing to watch.
> Rachel Getting Married - getting past all the movie’s show-offy wedding scenes lets you into some good character layers and interaction.

Most Horrible Relaunch of One of the Best Franchises in the History of Cinema: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
I’m still having trouble believing how bad it was. So, so stupid and juvenile. I’ve been heartbroken since I saw it.

Worst Movie of the Year: Mamma Mia!
I didn’t choose to see this, we just tagged along with some others. Some of the worst production values ever, and the general mindlessness just blew me away. Too stupid and poorly-made to even be unintentionally funny bad (unlike another one from this year, Vantage Point). Easily one of the worst movies I’ve watched all the way through ever.

Another Crap Comic Book Movie Which Everyone Thought Was Good But Actually Wasn’t: Ironman
I had stayed away from this, but still had some expectations that it might be clever and funny. Not even close. First of all, I think the premise that some whiz kid playboy who is the head of an ultrahuge and influential weapons manufacturing company is a megacelebrity and beloved international tabloid sensation is supremely insulting in this day and age. Every other character in this movie besides RDJ was absolutely worthless. The script was so plain and just dumb. Yuck yuck yuck.

I also feel compelled to say that Wall-E, though solid and clever in many parts, did not really do it for me overall. Robot love is just not something with which I can connect, I guess.

“You’re so vain, you probably think this song is about you, don’t you, don’t you…”

Carly Simon is sitting around, thinking about an arrogant ex-boyfriend, yada-yada, who thinks everything is about “him”. So she writes a song about him? It defeats the purpose! The song is about him.

Somewhere out there, this douche nozzle is three beers deep in a pub with his boys. ”You’re So Vain” comes on, and the first thing out of his mouth is “you know this song is about me, right?”.  You just fed his vanity a cheeseburger and fries.

Something to ponder.

The weather channel will tell you what it’s like outside. But only if you happen to turn it on at the right moment (on the 8’s, as they like to say). And weather.com? Sure that site will tell you the weather. But it’s an eyesore to look at. See for yourself:

The information contained in that red circle is all I want to know. But they have to fill in the rest of the space with a bunch of useless and annoying pictures and information. I don’t want to watch a video of my local forecast, I don’t want to buy an HP product and I don’t want to click on any of those useless links. I hate it all.

So imagine my joy when I came across this website. (NOTE: Link may not be safe for work.) It tells me all I want to know in the simplest of ways. This website has restored my faith in humanity.

That was in response to statements made by a commission of Latin American leaders on the failures of the U.S. war on drugs. Read all about it here.

Yes, that’s one way to measure success. I’m just not sure the “more dead bodies, the more successful we are” approach is very effective in advertising your cause. What it’s very effective at doing is making it plain and clear that the war on drugs is a complete waste of time, money and people’s lives. I don’t understand how policy makers can believe that it makes any sense to continue trying (and failing) to keep drugs out of this country. No matter what they do, the situation will not change.

It’s simple supply and demand. My guess is that demand for drugs is relatively unchanging since they’re not hard to get and people are going to do what they want despite arcane prohibitive laws. So the price of drugs will be determined by the supply. Every time drug police confiscate a cache of drugs, it decreases the overall supply and thereby raises the price. When the price rises, it makes the drug trade that much more of a lucrative option for people looking to make money. More people enter the business supplying more drugs and things return to the original equilibrium. The same works for killing drug gang members. If a cop kills a supplier, the number of suppliers goes down, increasing the value of suppliers. Then more people want to become suppliers and things return to normal.

And what is the overall outcome? Last year, more than 5,000 people were killed across Mexico in connection with the drug war. Of course most of these people were killed by gang members and not drug police. But that doesn’t change anything. The only reason the drug business is run by gangs in the first place is because it’s illegal. In normal commerce, businesses solve their disputes through the use of contracts and the court system. Since these are not options for the black market drug business, the only recourse is to solve disputes with bullets.

President Obama just announced his appointee for the Office of National Drug Control Policy. If he really wants to change things, this would be a great place to start.

1. General Veendrill

2. Dirk Charleston, CPA

3. Fat Man

4. Ice Cream Sandwich

5. Beanie Czar

If both cooperate, both get $3
If one defects, he gets $5 while the other person gets nothing
If both defect, both get $1

Previous research indicates that people are more likely to cooperate when larger amounts are involved, say, hundreds of dollars as opposed to three. Well, these researchers set out to determine if it was a higher dollar value that led people to cooperate more or if was merely a larger amount of anything. So they compared cooperation rates when the amount earned could be 3 dollars or 300 cents. And, for some reason, they found that people cooperated more when they could earn 300 cents as opposed to 3 dollar bills. They then interpreted this as meaning that people care more about large amounts of things (300 vs 3) as opposed to their value when deciding to cooperate.

I interpret this as people are stupid. First, people are stupid for favoring 300 cents over 3 dollars just because 300 is larger. They have the exact same value and a second grader would recognize that. Second, people are stupid for favoring the larger amount because now they have to carry 300 pennies around with them. As long as people continue to carry around pennies, we’ll never get rid of that damn coin.

In its final days, the Bush administration imposed a 300 percent duty on Roquefort, in effect closing off the U.S. market. Americans, it declared, will no longer get to taste the creamy concoction that, in its authentic, most glorious form, comes with an odor of wet sheep and veins of blue mold that go perfectly with rye bread and coarse red wine.

Cheese with an odor of wet sheep may not appeal to all U.S. consumers, but there are probably many that would like to continue purchasing this product. The same goes for consumers of French truffles, Irish oatmeal, and Italian sparkling water, all of which were included in the tariff bill. Instead, Bush has made it incredibly costly to purchase these products because he felt he wanted to punish European governments for restrictions they have placed on U.S. beef imports. Wah wah.

Let European countries do whatever they want. Their citizens will just pay more for beef. These new tariffs do nothing but increase the prices of these foods (and their U.S. subsititutes) for U.S. consumers. They also hurt the U.S. food importing industry:

”It’s extremely unfortunate from our point of view,” said Eugene Milosh, executive director of the American Association of Exporters and Importers, a leading trade group. ”It puts people out of business.”

They also lead to further retaliations:

Earlier this year, the European Community released a list of American products that would be considered for counter-retaliation. These included honey, walnuts, hybrid corn seed, beet pulp and dried fruit.

These policies are nonsense. They do nothing more than limit consumer choice and purchasing power while creating ineffiencies in the production of food. Some other countries may have enacted such policies first, but Bush has only caused the problem to worsen. Well done Mr. Former President.

…er, distraction, I guess, would be more appropriate.  I know lately it’s seemed like the Matt Show around here, but rest assured, we’re working on some very big things here at MG, namely trying to get our sister site (my baby) www.WhoIsSaintJames.com off the ground.  If you’re out of the loop or not one of three people I speak to on a regular basis, Saint James is a comic book company started by Jesse and myself, which we’ll be rolling out toward the end of February at the Florida Mega Con.  Not sure what to expect surrounded by nerds, geeks, and dorks for three days straight but…should be interesting.

Stay tuned and ciao.

High amounts of salt can increase blood pressure. So what? The salt content of food is already displayed on nutrition labels. If you want to limit your intake of salt, read the label and wisely stay away from things such as turkey meatballs and chicken noodle soup. Problem solved.

The worst part about this, however, is this little passage:

Thomas Frieden, the city’s health commissioner, said he wants manufacturers and restaurants to join the war on salt voluntarily. If they don’t, the city could pass legislation making it the law.

So the NYC definition of voluntary is ‘do this on your own or we’ll make you do it.’ That appears to be the exact opposite of voluntary. Government officials can spend all the time they want wishing businesses and people would act the way they want them to act. But when they talk like this, they’re simply exposed for the power-loving imbeciles they really are.

But certain details have recently been uncovered that have, quite frankly, shaken my confidence in the show. The other day, Rob and I were discussing what actually happened when Sam Becket leaped from body to body. More importantly, what happened during the first leap? Did only his mind leave the project or did his entire body disappear upon entering the leap chamber? Well, Rob directed me to the wikipedia entry for the show which states:

In early episodes, it was unclear whether Sam’s mind was leaping into other people’s bodies, or whether his mind and body leaped together. Later episodes make it clear, however, that Sam’s entire body has traveled through time, and that ‘the illusion of [his host’s] physical aura’ surrounds him, making him look and sound like that person to whomever he interacts with in the past (conversely, Sam’s counterpart in the future is surrounded by a similar aura, and looks/sounds, to people at the project, like Sam).

Well, this answers one of the more important and general questions of the show, but it only raises more specific and (I think) very critical issues. First, what is this about Sam’s counterpart in the future looking and sounding like Sam? That would imply that this counterpart was talking to the people in the project. If that’s the case, it appears that this person is fully aware that he has been transported to some scientific lab in the future. So what happens when that person returns to his actual place in the past? Wouldn’t he retain the memory of having just traveled through time to the future and back again? After all, Sam retains the memory of his leaps. This person would most likely do the same. And upon returning, that person would have quite a tale to tell.

The second and much more critical issue has to deal with sex. If both Sam’s mind and body travel through time, that means that Sam’s genetic material travels with him. If the only thing that remains of the host is the illusion of an aura, then that implies that Sam’s genetic material has completely replaced the host’s genetic material. So what, you say? Well, what happens if Sam has sex with a female during one of his leaps and she becomes pregnant? She might think she’s having the baby of someone in the past, but that child is going to carry Sam’s DNA. That’s going to make for one awkward birth when the child emerges with physical features other than the host’s. But even more importantly, what happens if Sam impregnates someone in the past prior to the date he was actually born? In the dimension of time, Sam doesn’t exist at that moment. And yet, there’s the chance he could pass his DNA (which should not yet exist) on to someone else. This is huge!

Now, I am not a physicist so there’s much I don’t understand about space-time and relativity. And if Sam were aware of these issues, I’m sure he attempted to avoid copulation at all costs. And if you’ve been watching Lost, you heard Daniel’s explanation that time can be imagined as a string on which people can move forwards and backwards. They cannot, however, change the events on that continuum and create a separate branch of that string. This would imply that, according to linear space-time theories, it would simply be impossible for Sam to pass on his DNA before it actually existed. But that doesn’t settle the supposition that Sam could pass on his DNA once it existed. He could create a child during a leap if that leap was to a time after his actual birth.

So there you have it. Why am I getting so worked up over unanswered questions and possibilities from a fictional television show that ended in 1993? Because that’s what we do here.

But I’ve recently come to the conclusion that there is something much more bothersome than everything described above: front-load washers.

Hmm, yes, let’s produce a washing machine that forces people to bend over to load and unload their clothes rather than just stand over it and throw things inside. Yes! And we all know how once the wash cycle is complete, the clothes become a tangled mass of damp cloth that is impossible to separate into its individual parts during the unloading. This will become even more difficult when we force people to bend over and pull their items out of a small, dark void. YES! And rather than have stray socks, shirts or underwear fall back into the washer during the transfer to the dryer, those loose pieces of clean clothing will fall onto the dirty floor in the interim. YES! YES! YES!

Seriously, how can anyone find a front-load washing machine to be superior to a top-load washing machine? Who thought of this incredibly flawed design? And even after it was designed, who thought to keep making them? And even after they were manufactured, who thought to keep buying them? The owners/managers of my apartment building for one. They bought three. And I hate each and every one of them.

In fact, he even sent in a pic of himself smiling…a little pick-me-up to brighten our days:

Yikes.  Yama-hama.  Wow…good, er…luck, Jeff.

Jesus…

PS - Kicking mustache, though.

Customers pay by the hour for her company. Usually they just want to stroke her, but as a special treat for favoured clients, she will lie back in a chair, close her eyes and pose for photographs.

Get all those dirty thoughts out of your mind right now. The above is a description of a typical day at the Ja La La Cafe in Tokyo, one of the city’s many Cat Cafes. Businesses that rent out time with other living things are all the rage over there.

If felines do not appeal, other establishments will rent you a rabbit, a ferret or even a beetle.

A beetle, you say? Well, that’s all well and good, but what if what I really want is to rent some time with a close relative that I don’t get to see that often?

One specialist agency is known as Hagemashi Tai, which translates as I Want To Cheer Up Limited. It rents relatives.

Actors are despatched to play the part of distant relations at weddings and funerals. For an extra fee, they will even give a speech.

Amazing, but what if…

But the firm’s services do not stop there. It can also provide temporary husbands to single mothers who want them.

The website says the “dad” will help the children with their homework. He will sort out problems with the neighbours.

Ah, just what I was thinking. And the options keep coming:

There is a service for women who are about to wed too. Apparently, they can practise for married life with a hired husband, although whether this involves seduction or sock washing is not exactly clear.

Apparently, one can purchase time with another person for almost any purpose. Those Japanese are light years ahead of everyone! Read all about it here.

On Thursday, Rep. Joe Barton, R-Texas, reintroduced the College Football Playoff Act of 2008.

That’s cute, Mr. Barton. Your team got left out, so now you’re seeking to change the system. Way to play to your base, sir.

But wait, it says “REintroduce”. You mean this bill was already around?

In an April resolution, the House of Representatives formally, if not forcibly, condemned the BCS as “an illegal restraint of trade that violates the Sherman Anti-Trust Act” and also urged the Justice Department’s Antitrust Division to investigate. Since this resolution, though, no serious action has been pursued.

So an entire governing body, well after bowl season, decided this was worth taxpayer dollars. Look, I’m a few credits short of my economics degree, but the NCAA is a business (like it or not). They have a right to run their business however they want. Having congress step in to tell someone how to run their business based on what voters want seems like a recipe for disaster to me. (While you’re at it, Senators, let’s tell Perry’s Deli to add extra bacon to their sandwiches).

Every year, everyone bitches and moans about the BCS. Even Obama got involved. Look, everyone is entitled to an opinion but IF YOU HATE IT THAT MUCH - DON’T WATCH IT!

It’s that simple folks. The BCS is there because it makes a lot of people filthy stinking rich. Why would they change that? Because everyone is complaining? You really think you can tell businessmen and college presidents to stop doing something they know makes a lot of money while they are wiping their asses with $100 bills? I didn’t see USC boycotting their bowl game and giving up all that extra revenue because they disagreed with the system. They went, they played, they cashed their check with smiles on their faces.

If people stop watching, they will stop making money. They stop making money, you might have your playoff. Personally, I don’t want any of my representatives getting involved in sports unless there’s something illegal going on. (No, Mr. Spectre. Taping a football game is NOT against the law, it’s against NFL rules. Stay out of it.)

Even more ridiculous, a Florida representative wanted out of his governmental duties (among them, working on getting the country out of the giant cluster they had a hand in creating) so that he could go to the big-game.

Watch it on TV like the rest of us bud. Or don’t, if you don’t like the BCS.

Dinner

My grandma grew up in the actual great depression. Because of this, she always saved her bacon grease. Not just in a tin can to throw away later, but to make my grandfather’s favorite meal. The grease would be reheated in a frying pan, and the whole family would dip white bread in it. The 50’s version of fondue.

How does this relate to my current dilemma? A few weeks ago, I was hungrily driving home from work. I called Lindsay to ask if I should pick up a couple steaks, grab some chinese, etc. and was told she had dinner taken care of. I was confused because I knew we didn’t have any groceries.

I arrive home and Lindsay had thrown together the following concoction. She placed a cheese slice on each side of two left over hamburger buns and broiled them, creating a very poor man’s open-faced grilled cheese sandwich. Knowing this wasn’t filling enough for me, we also split a can of soup. I didn’t realize times were so tough.

Shaving

One morning I was preparing to shave, when I realized I didn’t have any shaving cream. I remembered my father always uses soap, thinking shaving cream is a pointless commodity. Reluctantly I lathered up some hand soap, but requested Lindsay grab me a new can at the store. I use the “clean” formula because it doesn’t leave oil on my skin.

Two weeks later I realized I’m still using soap. I asked Lindsay why she didn’t buy me shaving cream at the store, and I was told I’m doing just fine with soap, shaving cream isn’t in the budget. My dad used soap all his life, but I don’t want leathery, old man skin. I want baby’s butt skin on my face. Not in the literal “Hannibal Lecter” sense, but I want to be smooth damn it! Meanwhile Lindsay is purchasing $60, 3 oz jars of face cream from Philosophy.

The wife tends to worry we’ll soon be jobless and homeless.  Meandering down the highway with our possessions in a pick up, something out of a John Steinbeck novel.

But last week she let me buy a 46″ Panasonic 1080p Plasma TV, so I suppose life isn’t that bad.  Those who know me, know that I exaggerate.

The Ohio man who became a household name during the presidential campaign says he is heading to Israel as a war correspondent for the conservative Web site pjtv.com.

He tells WNWO-TV in Toledo that he wants to let Israel’s “‘Average Joes’ share their story.”

Oh boy! I can’t wait for this. Because while people in Gaza are blowing each other up with rockets, the best thing to focus on is how that affects the local plumbing trade, right?

I’m speechless. I love working in advertising, and I hope that commercial was real and not a joke.

I’m no fisherman, but this seems pretty handy. Disgusting, but handy. But come on, if you’re smart enough to come up with something that makes de-boning fish a snap, you’ve got to come up with a better name than that.

And whatever copywriter wrote this, thank god for you. I imagine it was someone who got the assignment to write this TV spot and thought “That’s the name? Really? This must be a joke.” Upon realizing he was, in fact, going to get paid to sell this modern day mousetrap, he decided to work in all the sexual innuendo he could.

“My wife would like one of those!”

I bet she would, skippy. I bet she would. I also imagine the client loved this, which would only spawn more laughter at the Wunder Boner’s expense back at the agency.

And double points for the red neck with the handlebar mustachio. Nice work.

They don’t get much better than this.

Detroit criminal defense lawyer James Howarth, described as a “veteran” of law, whatever that means, is very upset about a recent dispute with the IRS. Apparently, he received a letter from the Internal Revenue Service stating he owed them money and, if not paid promptly, would accumulate interest and/or penalties.

Yikes!  Bad news, unless what you owe is actually five cents! Yes, he owes them a nickel.

Now, for most of us, as ridiculous as the amount is, we’d just write a check, mail it out, and be done with it. I mean, after all, it’s a stupid nickel. Right? Not James!  He’s upset about it because:

As he figures it, there is the 5 cents plus the cost of a check — payment must be made by check or money order. Then there is his CPA’s fee, an envelope, his secretary’s time, his own time and a 42-cent stamp.

And, by his calculations, the costs are several hundred times over what he actually owes.

I don’t really even know what to say. First of all, I’m a bit shocked someone wrote an article about this, and second, PAY THE STUPID NICKEL AND QUIT BEING AN IDIOT!! It’s really, really simple. I have a feeling, being a veteran of the law, you’ve managed to save up some money, but if you really need help, I’ll give you the nickel, provide the envelope, and lick the stamp if you promise to quit wasting everyone’s time.

But don’t worry, folks.  Like a real Hollywood thriller, things take an interesting turn from here.

James actually received a second letter shortly after the first, presumably while he was sulking/mediating on the nickel fiasco, telling him there was an error and that he was supposed to receive a four cent refund, which he has to pick up himself. So clearly the IRS is either playing a joke, or is bored as well, but at any rate, again, this should be the point in time when most people, sane people, rip up the envelope and go about their lives. Who cares about four cents?

James does! His main argument:

“When I owe them a nickel, I must pay them,” he said. “It’s not optional. But when they owe me, I have to ask for it.”

Yes, that’s right. And I have a feeling if they owed you $1000, you wouldn’t be complaining. You’d be in your car at the IRS within the hour.  I’m sure you could argue the principle of the matter until you’re blue in the face, but you could do that about anything. I hate taking the trash out, but it needs to get done. A McDonald’s Fish-wich is disgusting, yet people order them during Lent all the time. They want you to pick up a nickel, so either go pick it up or forget about it. If your argument is how unfair this all is, I think you are wasting everyone’s time.

And, just to prove he has a sense of humor, or maybe he actually means it, who knows, James goes on to say:

“I might apply for a bailout […]”

Reading this article has made me realize two things: 1.) I would never hire this guy to be my attorney…EVER, and 2.) The IRS never quits, not even for chump change.

Check out the article here.

Ciao.

And, I think now’s a good time to bring up the fact that every time I stare into Renny Harlin’s mug, my soul cries out and shrivels up a bit…actually, quite a bit.

Damn you!

Anyway, assuming Mr. Harlin and his cronies stay away from me and MG for an extended period of time, regular posting should resume shortly.

Ciao.

This guy saved the fat from his liposuction patients and used it to power both his own SUV and his girlfriend’s Lincoln Navigator. The doctor himself had this to say:

“The vast majority of my patients request that I use their fat for fuel–and I have more fat than I can use,” Bittner wrote on lipodiesel.com. “Not only do they get to lose their love handles or chubby belly but they get to take part in saving the Earth.” Bittner’s lipodiesel Web site is no longer online.

Unfortuately, it’s illegal in California to use human waste to power vehicles. And I thought that state was supposed to be at the forefront of investment in alternative energy. They’re sitting on a goldmine. And worse, they’re trying to prosecute this guy for turning his patients’ fat into exhaust. Please. This guy is an entrepreneur. He should be on the covers of magazines. This is exactly the type of industrious, creative behavior that this country needs to encourage, not prohibit. It’s a win for everyone.

So, if you really care about renewable energy, do the world a favor: eat. Feel free to enjoy the fattiest foods around. Before long, people will be paying you to take your fat. Is this a great time to be alive or what?

Anyway, this little issue in Illinois has been covered to death. Blagojevich tried to sell a Senate seat, got caught and was arrested…blah blah blah. More interesting news has been released today that President-elect Obama’s Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel might have been somewhat involved. This doesn’t exactly bode well for the incoming president who, among many things, promised to change things in government. This doesn’t sound like change at all.

But I don’t really care if Emmanuel was involved either. The main problem here is Illinois state law that gives the governor the power to appoint a new Senator to a recently vacated seat. What do people think is going to happen? The incentive to use that power for personal gain is way too great. With that kind of power any politician is likely to entertain offers in exchange for his or her support. Maybe not every politician would act on that incentive, but I’m sure offers would be made.

Here’s a novel idea: let the people of Illinois elect a new Senator. They elected Obama and he left. Now they should be able to elect his replacement. I thought that was the whole point of representative democracy. I may be more cynical than the average American and I generally think most politicians are worthless human beings, but I still think we should be able to trust them not to abuse their power to some extent. But we probably shouldn’t allow them to appoint other politicians to what should be elected office. That’s just dumb.

Of course, as I’ve recently stated, I don’t really trust voting either. There are too many idiots out there exercising their right to elect lawmakers. So, in the spirit of pitting candidates against retired sitcom characters, I offer the following as possible Illinois electors. One of these groups of characters should be responsible for determining the most qualified candidate for public office out of the Land of Lincoln:

In my mind, the clear winner here is the Winslows. There are more of them. The candidates would really have to show what they’re made of in order to win that election. They’d have to beat Carl in shooting criminals, beat Laura in cheerleading, beat Eddie in whatever Eddie used to do, beat Mrs. Winslow in being sassy and beat Urkel in being annoying. Since they’re politicians, that last one is a freebie. Regardless, Larry and Balki are pushovers and the Bundys, well they’d just fight with each other rather than do their job of vetting the candidates. So, the Winslows it is. Know hope, Illinois. Know hope.

Recently, his wife Deborah went to a local supermarket to get a cake decorated for their three-year-old son’s birthday bash, only to be denied. Turns out, the supermarket employees thought what Mama Campbell wanted printed on the dessert was “inappropriate.’’Feeling he had been slighted , Heath went on the offensive:

“There’s a new president and he says it’s time for a change; well, then it’s time for a change…They need to accept a name. A name’s a name.”

Why all this hullabaloo, you ask?

He named his kid Adolph Hitler. Ugh…seriously. Again, Heath:

“I think people need to take their heads out of the cloud they’ve been in and start focusing on the future and not on the past…No one else in the world would have that name.”

Is that your argument? You named him Adolph Hitler Campbell because no one else would ever have that name?  And it’s hard to focus on the present when you’ve named your child after the most notorious criminal in human history. I mean…c’mon, idiot. Think a little bit!  Can you honestly say you didn’t think people would throw up a fuss (rightfully so) when you picked out that name?

If I think of the name Kyle, for instance, I think of a handful of kids I knew growing up, some good, some bad.   Even the name Adolph…that’s a fine name, in its own right, and very popular in certain parts of the world, if I’m to understand correctly. But Adolph Hitler conjures up just one man, and one man only.  There isn’t a spectrum of Adolph Hitlers you knew/know like the name Brian or Steve or Jimmy.  There is no confusing this name.

Heath claims all of his ancestors are from Germany, and that he was raised to properly appreciate his heritage. Fine. But I’m English and I’m not planning on naming my kid Reggie Kray or Ernst Stavro Blofeld.

And to prove he’s really not a racist, Heath invited some “mixed kids” (his words) to his son’s birthday party. He says:

“If we’re so racist, then why would I have them come into my home?”

That’s a good question…BECAUSE YOU’RE GOING TO TRAP THEM! GET OUT, KIDS!

But seriously, this guy is a moron of the highest caliber. On top of the excruciating cultural faux pas he and his wife committed, he went even further, naming his eldest daughter JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell, which is far superior to Katy IHateBlacks Campbell, their original choice.

Check out the story here.

Ciao.

(Feel free to click that beautiful piece of bracket to get a bigger version.)

Anyway, it’s really simple.  Each in a series of posts will detail a single round of head-to-head bouts featuring great sci-fi programming in a multitude of genres.  The genres/categories are:

Science & Time Travel
Aliens & Time Travel
Super Heroes & Time Travel
Miscellaneous

Now, while time travel may not be a series-long staple of every show present, these shows have been carefully selected because, at some point at least, they have dealt with this sci-fi twist in a wholly unique/refreshing/lame way that could not be ignored.

Who will be crowned best of the best and win the Multi-dimensional Championship? Stay tuned, and make sure to weigh-in with your comments below.

ROUND ONE: SWEET 16

SUPER HERO TIME TRAVEL BRACKET (Ryan)

Heroes v. Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman

I know, I know….”They’re real, and they’re spectacular!” But Terri Hatcher’s tits can’t save Lois and Clark in this battle-royal. Sure, Superman is the shit. But I have a few issues here. It was only a couple episodes that dealt with the subject of time travel. And while the episodes were “creative” by giving H.G. Wells a cameo appearance, they were sub-par at best. My main issue here is that Clarky-poo didn’t even use his own super powers to travel back in time (like when Superman reversed the rotation of the planet). He had to hitch a ride on H.G’s homemade time machine, and that is just lame.
Then we get to Heroes. And while the second season was absolutely terrible, Hiro (the time traveling hero) is single-handedly bringing back the luster. Hiro is the mild mannered time-traveling superhero that you can’t help but like. And unlike Clark, he doesn’t need H.G. to bring him back in time. He can bend time space.

That is sweet. Winner: Heroes

Smallville v. X-men: The Animated Series

Sorry young Clark, you lose too. The reason is pretty simple. I grew up watching X-men: The Animated Series every Saturday morning at 11 A.M. It was amazing. And when Cable, the time traveling mutant, started to make cameo appearances, I got wood. Watch your ass Apocalypse…you’re gonna get jacked! Now I have nothing against Smallville. There are a ton of hot little pseudo-celebrities with not much on. But that is about the extent of my interest. Tom Welling kinda sucks, and to see Superman as a forlorned teen is pretty eff-ing annoying. Seriously dude, you can fly. Stop crying and shut the f*ck up.

Winner: X-Men

ALIENS AND TIME TRAVEL BRACKET (Ryan)

Doctor Who v. Stargate SG-1
Doctor Who? Seriously, what/who is Doctor Who? After a little research I found that Doctor Who is a time traveling alien, the basis of an English TV series titled the same. Look, I have nothing against the English. Shit, I have an English Grandma and a family Castle in Scotland. But when it comes the genre of TV shows dealing with time travel, America has that market cornered. And when it comes to American TV shows dealing with aliens and time travel, Stargate SG-1 is the shit. Richard Dean Anderson. Need I say anymore? Well if I have to…SG-1 is a spin-off of the Stargate movie which was released in 1994. The premise of the show deals with worm-hole creating “star-gates” which bend space time to instantaneously propel you across the universe. And if this isn’t enough time travel for you, well there’s more. The show has had a number of sub-plots dealing with traveling to ancient Egypt. Long story short, SG-1 was revolutionary, and paved the way for other Sci-fi shows making it mainstream.

Winner: Stargate SG-1

The 4400 v. Star Trek

Jesus.  Really?

Winner: Star Trek

SCIENCE AND TIME TRAVEL (Rob)

Quantum Leap v. Sliders

QL is probably one of my favorite shows of all time. Sam Becket, a super-genius, gets stuck in his own time machine, hopelessly and helplessly leaping through time as he attempts to right the wrongs of history. Honestly, I can’t think of another show that seamlessly blends together time travel and adventure. This is the show that all other sci-fi shows should aspire to be.  Now, Sliders…I used to like this show, for a hot minute, until I realized it’s basically a Quantum Leap rip-off. Four people get stranded through a genius’ wormhole (see?), hopelessly and helplessly leaping through time (see?) - although they also pierce different dimensions as well. As far as time travel shows, it just wasn’t there for me. It’s a decent show, with a decent premise, and decent acting, but this is not a show that can withstand the onslaught of pressure and time. Decent effort, but just not quite there.

Winner: Quantum Leap

Seven Days v. The Adventures of Briscoe County Jr.

Yeah, so Seven Days blows, actually.  I saw maybe two episodes…maybe…and all I know is that there are some time travel elements, but they can only go back in time seven days (what?)…I mean…what kind of time travel show is this? I mean, the idea of time travel shows in general is that they always break the tenets of time travel — always rewriting — and while the science may not be plausible, (hopefully) the show is good enough to catch your attention and get you hooked. So…why not go all the way guys? Seven days? That’s like getting a big softy just when you need a…well…stiffy. Lame. Overall, The Adventures of Briscoe County Junior was a campy, fantastically fresh show. Only part of this show dealt with time travel (magic orbs or something), and while I can’t recall episodes in their entirety, I do think that they pulled out of the proverbial “honey pot” just a bit too soon. The whole concept for the show was tremendous, the acting talent was there, and hell…an Old West dramedy with magical elements? Unfortunately, they just couldn’t keep it together and I think the added sci-fi edge was just too much. Thus, the implosion of the series toward the end. However, it still blows Seven Days away.

Winner: Briscoe

MISCELLANEOUS (Rob)

Lost v. Land of the Lost

I can honestly say there hasn’t been a show that has handled the idea of time travel as elegantly as Lost, and there probably never will be. It upped the ante, to so speak, on how sci-fi can cross over to mainstream. I mean, watch this and tell me you aren’t moved!

Cry, robots, cry!

Yeah. I have nothing else to say. Desmond (really the island) is stuck in time, and he fights through all manner of trials and tribulations to get to his one true love. :swoon:

Plus I love Sawyer…shirtless.

Now, Land of the Lost is a different story. Both of these shows deal with “mysteries”, where Lost deals with, almost exclusively, what the island really is, and LotL deals with how this stupid family gets transported back in time to a weird, prehistoric age with talking apes and lizards. Actually, scratch that. LotL does NOT deal with how or why they traveled back…to the best of my knowledge. It was a campy show, entertaining at times, but truly overlooked the time travel element. The intro states, “[They] were on a routine expedition” then got swept up by some big earthquake, and “found themselves in the land of the lost.” I don’t know about you, but I’ve never adventured with my family, and I don’t plan on starting now. I find this premise to be weak, at best.

Winner: Lost

X-Files v. Simpsons

This will be short. I think Simpsons is highly overrated these days. I’ll watch it if it’s on, but I do not recall time travel in this show. It might have been present in one episode, but since the hundreds of episodes sort of bleed together in my head, as they should, lacking any originality these days, but I just can’t recall it. X-files wins by default.

Winner: X-Files

Next week: The ELITE 8 face off.

Let’s face it. In today’s conspiracy-laced, crime-sceney television milieu, shows like Lost and CSI: San Dimas (I wish!) reign supreme. Back in the day, in the television drama heyday (early-to-mid 1980s to mid 1990s), you could find dramas of every make and model from M*A*S*H*, Law and Order and MacGyver, to Love Boat and Magnum P.I.

Our panelists weigh in on two such quality shows, Quantum Leap and Pretender, deciding once and for all which of these two giants is deserving of the title of Greatest TV Drama of All Time.

Rob: See, this is hard for me. I grew up with Quantum Leap and, for most of my childhood/adolescence, there was nothing better than watching Sam Becket crisscross time and space, righting wrongs and trading quips with Al. That is until Jerod “The Pretender” came along and charmed himself right into my black soul. I mean…this guy was a real genius, doing real, practical things on a weekly, syndicated basis. He “pretended” himself in any role, always finding ways to…well, right wrongs…and did not rely on a quirky hand-held computer or a guy named Ziggy to figure out what to do next. True genius, my friends.

Matt: This is also difficult for me, but in another way. The choice is easy: Quantum Leap. The difficult part comes in when I need to justify it against Pretender. I think I watched one or two episodes of that show. I don’t remember anything about it. So, based on that, I can reasonably argue that it wasn’t good. If it was good, I would have watched it more. But Quantum Leap? That show was simply amazing. Not only did he have to get out of sticky situations, but he had to do so in the manner that whomever he had “leapt” into would do it. He had to become a completely different person and find a way to resolve an issue about which he rarely had prior knowledge. And all he wanted to do was return home. He kept waiting for the one leap that would take him back to his body in some lab in the early 90s. That’s got to be frustrating.

Rob: Frustrating? You want to talk about frustrating? Jerod “The Pretender” had an entire US government agency coming after him, always on his heels. I mean, the guy was abducted as a child, put into this specialty program, escaped as an adult, and all he wants is to see the world. To explore. And every time he starts out trying something new, phonying up some credentials so he can be an engineer in one episode, a pilot in another, for instance, it’s only a matter of time before the G-Men come a-knockin, spoiling his good time. At least Sam Becket could take his sweet time. Sure, he “misses home”, but what IS home, anyway? A true hero would do less complaining and more problem-solving.

Matt: Whoa whoa whoa! Sam Becket could take his sweet time? Is that supposed to be a joke? Did you even watch the show? How many episodes dealt with him having to save somebody’s life or even his own (that is, the person whose body he was inhabiting)? Since all of his leaps were to the past, many of these events had already happened. He couldn’t just stand around as another person, taking in the sights of whatever geographic location he happend to be living in at the time. He had to be on his toes, always on the lookout for what it was he had to do. Jerod never woke up to find himself in the middle of a Vietnam jungle fight. He never woke up as someone trying to help slaves escape the civil war-era South. Jerod may have had his troubles, but he knew where he was and who he was at all times and that counts for a lot when the heat is on. Sam had no such luxuries.

Rob: Luxuries? Ha, his entire life was a luxury. Trips to Vietnam, brushes with real historical figures? I mean, that sounds pretty grand to me. Pretty grand indeed. Anyway, let’s get back on track here: plausibility. I find myself believing in rogue government agencies and super serums over stuck-in-time story arcs any day of the week. I’m not saying I don’t like Quantum Leap, I’m just saying between these two shows, Pretender wins. Flat-out. Every time. I mean, he goes from pretending to be a bounty hunter to an EMS technician, even once admitting himself into a psychological asylum to remedy some issues he’s having. I mean, that’s an introspection that Same Becket doesn’t have.

I also hate Al’s suits. And their sexual tension is palpable:

Matt: I see you need to resort to cheap parlor tricks in order to make your argument. That video has nothing to do with the show. You could splice any show up, add some crappy music and make anyone believe it was never worth watching. That’s a low blow and I thought you had more integrity than that. I guess I was wrong. But the one thing I’m not wrong about is how great Quantum Leap is. Again, I wish I knew more about The Pretender so I could compare the two, but that will never happen. If the primary examples of Jerod’s skills are bounty hunting, EMSing and going insane, then I see no reason to ever watch this show. Give me Dog The Bounty Hunter, Rescue 911 and One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and I’ll call it a day. Jerod = loser.

Rob: I’m just at a loss here. An honest-to-goodness loss for words. Jerod, a loser? No. He’s the PRETENDER, Matt. He pretends himself in any situation, and then pretends himself right out of it. I know a lot of losers. I used to be one. There was no pretending on my part. In fact, I’m willing to go on a limb and say that pretending is the antithesis of slovenly behavior. Jerod is a certifiable genius. We all know it. Now, I’m not saying Sam Becket isn’t a genius, I’m just saying he’s less of a genius, and that, without the help of a generally smart-suited Al, he’d be nothing, stuck in the 1960s as a preggers civil rights activist or something. Yeah.

Matt: There seems to be a theme running through your arguments: Al’s suits. I think you may be onto something. First, you say you hate Al’s suits. Now you describe Al as “smart-suited.” I feel you may have just stumbled upon the paradox of late-eighties-early-nineties clothing. That era’s clothing was one-of-a-kind in simultaneously commanding respect and inspiring hatred in everyone that laid eyes on it. I mean, just take a look at this:

Rob: Well, we’re just going to have to agree to agree on that. Smart-yet-ugly suits aside, these are great television programs, and both are way better than Two and a Half Men. Blech.

“will prohibit the marketing, promotion, and advertising of a postseason game as a ‘national championship’ football game, unless it is the result of a playoff system. Violations of the prohibition will be treated as violations of the Federal Trade Commission Act as an unfair or deceptive act or practice.”

When will this stuff stop? Is Congress bored? Are Congressmen just completely that full of themselves and their power? I’m no constitutional scholar, but I’m pretty sure this would be one of the things that the framers had in mind when they wrote that

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people.

That’s the Tenth Amendment. And it appears to make very clear that Congress has no authority over designing a proper way in which to finish a college football season. Maybe the BCS is bogus. Maybe a playoff system would be better. But surely Congress has better things to do than to take control of college sports. They could start by finding out where all that money they authorized the Treasury to spend is going.

There are two big issues with this. One, who cares? I’m sure both of them would make terrible Senators. So why bother wasting all this time counting and recounting ballots? Let them both be Senator and force them to armwrestle every time they have to cast a vote. The winner of the armwrestling match gets to vote on legislation and the loser has to do the winner’s laundry. Problem solved.

The second issue is that this just sheds light (very bright light) on the major drawback of elections: allowing stupid people to participate in electoral democracy. Here is a rundown of the problems with some of the ballots:

They are sorting the ballots into five categories: those excluded because the voter’s name and address on the return envelope doesn’t match the one on the application; ballots with a fake voter’s signature; voter was not registered and eligible to vote in the precinct or has not included a properly completed voter registration application; voter already voted at the election, either in person or by absentee ballot. The fifth category has ballots were not rejected for the four legal reasons specified.

It takes a certain class of citizen to (a) not know their address; (b) fake their signature; (c) vote in the wrong precinct; (d) turn in an incomplete ballot; or (e) not remember that they already voted. It’s just a shame that people who fall into one of these categories are even allowed to vote. They clearly have no business choosing lawmakers.

The only alternative I can see is to discontinue voting altogether. We need to eliminate the chance that morons will have undue influence in the political arena. The only purpose voting serves is to reduce the threat of tyranny. A single person cannot gain power and then enact arcane laws that allow him or her to hold onto that power indefinitely. But I think there are much better ways to choose legislators than to have people head to the polls every couple years. And I think Minnesota is the perfect place to start.

I propose that both of these candidates compete in a series of skill tests against a panel of Minnesota’s finest:

First, Messrs. Franken and Coleman must display physical prowess by wrestling Dauber. Points go to the candidate that can pin the assistant coach the fastest. If Dauber wins both matches, he determines who fought harder. Second, the candidates must compete against Luther in a pie eating contest. Any Coach fan knows that Luther loves to eat. With so much on the line, the candidates must be willing to get dirty here. I want to see blueberry pie running down their faces. If Luther wins the contest, both candidates have to bake a pie and Luther will pick the winner of that contest. And finally, the two candidates must engage Coach Hayden Fox in a battle of wits. Coach Fox knew how to lead a college football team to victory. He led the Minnesota State Screaming Eagles to a 1993 national title when they defeated West Texas University in the Pioneer Bowl. That’s something not just any coach can accomplish. I think Franken and Coleman could learn a lot from Coach Fox. I suggest they start watching Coach on DVD to get a glimpse of what genius is. It’s going to take a lot to beat him.

And now that I think about it, I don’t think they can beat him. Coach Fox will run circles around these guys. He’d completely embarrass them. So, in the interest of maintaining whatever dignity these two candidates still have, I suggest the state cease all recount efforts immediately and select someone that all Minnesotans can agree on. It’s time to send Senator Coach Hayden Fox to Washington, DC.

If this post did not satisfy all your Coach-related needs, I highly recommend clicking the following links:

The Coach Blog

Brandon Bird’s Coach art

That being said, what’s stuck out the most to me so far is the way people dress. It’s incredible, actually. I work in a very, very relaxed environment, and most of the time no one says anything to anyone about the way they dress (some people wear shorts and flip-flips, although they probably shouldn’t). The official stance of my company is that we’re “business casual” Monday through Thursday, with Friday being even more casual with the allowance of jeans to be worn. It goes even further, with each team Manager able to choose the dress code for their immediate staff — depending solely on their preference.

With tha tin mind, one thing I’ve been noticing is the type and style of outfits being worn on a Monday as opposed to a Thursday or even Friday. While technically, I guess it makes sense to have people wearing more formal attire at the beginning of the week when, I would assume, more meeting and whatnot are scheduled, people can come into the building any day of the week. And yes, The Man allows its employees to dress more casually later in the week, I’m assuming mostly to improve morale and whatnot, so I understand there inevitably will be a disparity in the styles worn.

But it’s funny. When I first started, on a Monday no less, everyone was looking so nice, had makeup on, etc., and by the end of my first week, the same classy people looked like denizens of the local dumpster squad. Seriously. It was a radical transformation throughout the course of the week, one that took me by surprise. And I’m willing to bet it’s not just my company. People try their hardest on a Monday, and by Friday, they are so burned out and seeping with just pure loathing for everything work-related, they could give a crap what they’ve put on to come to work.

Thus, I thought I’d chart the evolution of work clothes throughout the week.

Monday

The most professional of all days. Myself, I generally wear a pair of dress pants, a dress shirt, and sometimes a tie. I hardly wear a suit jacket, but I generally pull a nice ensemble together. Sometimes I wear a dress shirt, sweater, and dress pants, but you get the idea. Around the office, women wear anything from nice sweaters and slacks, to long skirts and blouses with sport coats. All-in-all, a nice day for professional wear.

Tuesday

Things get a bit more casual. Not too much, but there is a noticeable difference. I generally still wear dress pants, usually with a tucked-in polo-type shirt, maybe a sweater with a tee-shirt underneath and dress pants. Something along those lines. The women at work have a tendency to still wear skirts and/or dress pants, but now pair them up with less-dressy tops. Still a very acceptable business climate.

Wednesday

There’s a definite jump in style from Tuesday to Wednesday. While most jobs ask that jeans be worn solely on Fridays, technically, we can get away with it most days. However, most people don’t start dusting off the Levis until Wednesday. Personally, I pair mine with a shirt and tie, sweater, or sports coat, just to keep things GQ on my end. Women, again ones I work with, have a tendency to stick to similar principles, wearing their denim with a sport coat or nice blouse or something. I think in this capacity, jeans work very well. Overall, people are still a big cognizant of their clothing choices, but are beginning to get a bit more relaxed.

Thursday

You see an even bigger jump from Wednesday to Thursday in the quality of clothes worn. This is the day when I usually wear a nice sweater with my jeans, start wearing my Converse, or maybe even keep my boots on all day. Women wear jeans, a more casual skirt or dress, sweaters, a non-dressy button-down, casual boots/sneakers, etc. You can definitely tell that people are beginning to care less and less what they’re wearing.

Which leads us to…

Friday

…yikes…

By far the biggest change of fashion/style throughout the week. People have lost all interest in putting a suitable work ensemble together and generally look like idiot slobs. Seriously, I’ve counted at least three people who wear basketball shorts and sandals, numerous individuals who wear inappropriate concert tees or low-cut tank tops, jeans with holes in the rear, hair undone, makeup removed, and, as the picture shows, the boxers/girdle outfit seems to be a popular Friday choice as well.

Ciao.

Matt and I were talking the other day, and he brought up the issue of truck commercials. The conversation went something like this:

“What about them?” I inquired.
“Ever notice how they’re nothing but guys in the desert, and the trucks seem to be doing impossible tasks?” he retorted.
“Yeah…but…yeah, you’re right.”
“Weird, huh?”

And you know, it is weird. Truck commercials (car commercials in general, really) are an oddity. I mean it. I see them daily, as I’m sure we all do, but I don’t actually pay attention to them most of the time. So I sat down after we talked and really watched a few of them and man…who are the ad execs pandering to?

Matt had it right: almost every single one has something to do with hard-working men, sweat, sleeveless tee-shirts, and the desert (or similar barren landscape, presumably where all this manly activity is taking place). Now, I understand that trucks were invented to haul things with. They are used the world over for construction purposes, as well as for other manual labor tasks, but I can promise you, if surveyed, you would see that the majority of the general public buying/using trucks are suburbanites who use them to schlep around their kids.

And I’m really not joking about truck commercials sticking to a specific formula. See for yourself:

Toyota Tundra

Locations: Construction site, desert, warehouse, cornfield
Characters: Construction workers, miscellaneous laborers

Nissan Titan

Locations: Desert
Characters: None

Chevrolet Silverado

Location: Desert/Mountains
Characters: Miscellaneous power-grid laborers/engineers

Dodge Ram

Loctation: Desert/Mountains
Characters: Cowboys (WTF?), military personnel, contractors, firemen

Apparently, where the real action is, is in the desert. Thus, I imagine conversations like this are the norm, according to this stereotype:

“Gotta get that powerline fixed, boys! Go get yer trucks!”
“Gotta haul that slab of conceret, fellas! Get yer trucks in gear!”
“Hey, pals, we really gotta move this dead cow! Truck time!”

That’s what these commercials are saying, I guess. No wonder the American auto industry’s in the crapper.

Ciao.

So drink up and be merry!

Well, it just so happens that I had to attend a “Facilitated Conversation on Race and Ethnicity” at work today. I wish I could say it was anything similar to the above clip. But, alas, it was not. Rather, we had to watch short video clips of people interracting at work and then discuss, in small groups, whether we thought race had anything to do with the situation and, if so, what could be done about it. I want to provide an example of one of the clips we watched, but unfortunately, they aren’t available on the internet. So, here is what happened:

Scene: Four people sitting in a conference room discussing their current work

Characters: 1 black man, 1 black woman, 1 Asian man, 1 white man

And…action!

Black Man: Great job everyone. I think this project really turned out well. (more standard office talk.)

All: Mmmhmmm.

Black Woman: I don’t know about you all, but I could use time away from this conference room. How about we go grab some lunch?

Black Man: Sounds good.

Asian Man: Yes, very nice.

White Man: Um…you guys go ahead. I need to get to the bank by 1.

Everyone gives him a look. Fade out.

What?! We had to watch four videos of stuff like this. Granted, this one was the most ridiculous, but the others weren’t much better. And here’s what I learned from these videos:

1. Race could play a role in any situation that involves people of two or more races.
2. Sometimes people just have to go to the bank.
3. Working in an office blows.

I already knew all three of those things before the session started. So I learned nothing new and wasted my morning.  Yay, diversity!

This week’s topic: WINDY CITY MASS TRANSIT vs. ROCK CITY GRIDLOCK

OPENING STATEMENTS

Jeff: Two years ago I sojourned to the White City in search of an economy that couldn’t be held hostage by a group of overweight, middle aged men who think on-the-clock drunken high-lo racing is the sport of kings. My first experience with this wonderful city was in her underbelly, riding the subways and the “el”. My only experience with mass-transit before was on systems in second rate cities, places like London, Paris and Berlin. Let me tell you, Chicago puts every other city on the face of the earth to shame. To shame, I say!

Rob: Being a world-traveler myself, I’ve experienced mass transit in quite a few metropolises. And since Detroit has no mass transit whatsoever, save the People Mover (blech), I’m here to say we don’t need it.  Having lived with and without it…well, you can keep your stupid, dependable modes of transport!  You hear me, world!  We’re better off without it!  Give me a gas-guzzling, environment polluting automobile any day of the week.  Trolleys and trams, subways and buses - blech!  After all, we’re all out to take care of ourselves anyway, right?

ONBOARD BATHROOMS

Jeff: Gotta go? Go in your pants! In Chicago, it’s socially acceptable to crap your pants on the train, as evidenced by the toothless grin and earthy fragrance that greeted me when I stepped on my very first rail car. Finally, a place where we can be unencumbered by an unnecessary, time consuming trip to the porcelain throne.

Rob: The People Mover, a two-car elevated train that goes in a quarter-mile loop, has no bathrooms. It’s dangerous and smelly and I’m assuming bums piss all they want in there with no repercussions. I can rightfully assume, as in Chicago, there are no agents of the law making rounds to remedy this self-defecating situation, so I guess this one’s a tie.  Now, the beauty of “taking care of business” in the privacy of your own car?  No one else cares!  If you can put up with it, what else do you need.  Besides, the beauty of driving your own car means you can pull off on the shoulder to do your thing any time you want!  No longer will you feel embarrassed for pulling the cord and getting off five stops early to the chagrin of those commuters you see every day.  They know you have to go.  They just know it.

WORLD-CLASS EFFICIENCY

Jeff: Other cities give you seats, ample standing room and enough trains to lessen the crush a hundred thousand people trying to get through the same five foot wide door. Not Chicago. Space is maximized by encouraging everyone to shove in until the very act of breathing may cause the car to explode. Bonus! You can have guilt-free sex with 6 people on the way to work. Informing them of what you did is optional.

Rob: Well, efficiency has many different meanings, my friend.  Detroit has miles and miles of highway, so even though you may be late for that super urgent appointment, or you’ve completely abandoned all hope you’ll get off of I-75 before you die, at least, when you’re in your own car and stuck in traffic (which you will be, guaranteed), it seems like you’re surrounded by so many friends, each in the very same predicament you are! Efficiency of the heart, my friends.

ALWAYS ON SCHEDULE

Jeff: A Chicago bus or train is never late or early, it arrives exactly when it means too. And sometimes, 4 or 5 buses come bunched up together. The full ones stop, the empty ones skip by you so the driver can take an extra five-minute break hitting on the 200-pound honey selling deep-dish sausage pizza on Wacker. With these kinds of choices, I quickly fell under the “Lady by the Lake’s” spell.

Rob: Well, here in Motown, we do away with schedules altogether! I mean, hell, there could be a strike at any minute from any number of unions impeding your journey, and wait long enough, chances are your job will become obsolete and you won’t even have to drive anywhere! It’s like the best kind of vacation, the kind that doesn’t end!

PEOPLE LOOK OUT FOR EACH OTHER

Jeff: Whether you’re 95, you’re 8 months pregnant, you’re trying to get your 5 kids down to the soup kitchen so you can eat, or even on crutches - rest assured no one will get up to give you a seat. What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. And Chicago is not a city for the weak. Tough it out, or we will feast on your flesh.

Seriously, Chicagoans will eat you.

Rob: Imagine you’re at any number of fantastic clubs in downtown Detroit. It’s Friday, everyone’s bumping and grinding, and someone pulls out a gun, starts laying waste to the bodies on the floor. Then, out of pure kindness, someone is fantastic enough to start shouting “Gun! Gun! Get the f&$% out of the way! He’s got a gun!” alerting you to the situation at hand because you’ve been otherwise preoccupied with an exceptional “Detroit Hunny.” Then, the bandit leaves the club, he’s fled on one of the cities dozens of buses, the excitement’s died down, and the club starts hopping again. I mean, that kind of entertainment…you’d pay through the roof for that most places. All thanks to transportation.

CONCLUSION

In the battle of transportation, who wins? Only you, dear reader, can decide. Cast your vote in the comments or perish.

To begin, I think we can all agree that a lot is riding on the judgment of jurors. They decide if someone is guilty or innocent of a crime. That is some very serious stuff. So if I was ever on trial, I would want a jury comprised of people who are intelligent, logical and ready to pay very close attention to the facts presented during the case. But are juries typically made up of people like this?

First, who is intelligent, logical and attentive? That can be hard to determine, but a good signal of such a person is a college degree. According to the most recent census data, 24.7% of Michigan citizens have a bachelor’s degree or higher. I understand that there are intelligent, logical and attentive people without degrees. But chances are that college-educated people are more intelligent, etc. than others. With only 24.7% of possible jurors having a college degree, the ideal pool has already contracted.

So, let’s say a pool of jurors is chosen and 24.7% of them have college degrees. Chances are that those graduates are going to have better paying jobs that they don’t wish to leave for jury duty. Jurors in Michigan receive $25 for the first day of service and $40 for every subsequent day. People with jobs earn much more than this and, on average, people with college degrees earn much much more. Since Michigan employers are not required by law to pay employees who serve on juries, people earning much much more than $40/day have more of an incentive to get out of jury duty. Therefore, the people most likely to try to get out of serving on a jury are the 24.7% of citizens with college degrees. So, let’s assume 1/3 of those with degrees avoid jury duty. That limits the potential pool of college-educated jurors to 16%. That means, that on average, with random jury selection, about 2 out of every 12 sitting jurors will have a college degree. Who makes up the rest of the jury?

(more…)

I’m pissed.

How culturally insignificant are Archie comics nowadays? Seriously, they are worthless and nothing about them ever was or ever will be funny. You see that cover? Just…dumb.

And thinking about how stupid Jughead’s hat is and how super-lame the jokes are got me thinking about other comics, especially newspaper comic strips. Why are they still around? We’re becoming an increasingly paperless society and while at one point each of those comics had troves of readers, I can only imagine readership of Prince Valiant in somewhere in the low teens, if that.

Now, I fervently believe that paper newspapers, no matter how few readers present, will exist in some fashion forever. There will always be a need for someone to pick up a paper on the street. But this still begs the question, how are these “artists” still making these comics? Seriously, they are not relevant. At all. Ever. At one time in history I can see the appeal of following the exploits of some hodgepodge assortment of zany characters, of a continuing and epic story that drew you in on a weekly basis. But these days? I can’t even tell you the last time I was excited to read the comics page. And the last time I did, I’m sure I tore up the pages in a fit of rage.

Don’t believe me on how far-removed from reality some of these strips are? Here’s a few of the “best”:*

1.) Cathy

Wow. Why would I want to read about a miserable, frumpy thirtysomething who can’t seem to find love, hates her job, and has an apparent obsession with chocolate. I do not see the merit in this strip nor can I find any reason that it should have ever existed. Ever.

2.) Tank McNamara

I just…I don’t even get this. Do you? I mean, I guess Tank is supposed to be a “witty” sportscaster, but…really? This is what you got? Nothing about this is good/funny/enjoyable. I want the sour taste that washed up my throat after reading this to depart. Now, please.

3.) Doonesbury

Now, anyone who knows me should know by now the disdain I have for this strip. While not my most hated comic strip, it definitely ranks high. It’s supposed to be political and savvy, and Slate.com is apparently a big fan, but I just don’t like it. Not even sure why. Maybe it’s the fact that all of the characters’ noses resemble erections, or maybe it’s just the bad, unapologetic writing. I’m not sure.

4.) Hagar the Horrible

I used to love Hagar when I was a kid. And, thinking about it now, I’m not exactly sure why. He’s a drunk, a poor excuse for a soldier, and seems to be abusive to his wife on most occasions. In fact, in the realm of insignificance, I would have to say this ranks near the top. A Viking? I mean, who cares, right? What’s he done lately? Oh, that’s right, the same thing. He goes to visit that stupid cloaked wizard, he gets drunk, he sometimes pillages and rides his stupid boat, and he, at all times, annoys me.

5.) Mary Worth

Really? This is what you have to offer, Mary Worth? I mean, she’s old, the comics aren’t funny by any stretch of the imagination and…I dunno. If I wanted to get lectured, I’d call home. I don’t need some stupid 2D granny giving me a guilt trip about planting trees. In fact, I hate all “realistic” comic strips like this. God. Is there anything good about this one…at all?

6.) Family Circus

Haha! S-T-U-P-I-D!

This one tops my list on all accounts. I hate this comic almost more than I hate elderly drivers. I truly cannot understand who would like this comic and why it was ever, ever picked up. How is this guy talented? How is he an artist? Does he really think he’s better than me? I mean…seriously, this is the worst. I can hardly think of anything worse than reading this comic.

See what I mean, though? These are just a small fraction of the comics existing that need to be wiped from the planet ASAP. They just do not make sense and I hate them.

Thoughts?

Ciao.

*I do not claim to own the rights to any of these strips, nor would I…ever.

This year, as Halloween approached, I was racking my brain again, trying to summon an acceptable collection of items in which to clothe myself for the big day. In earlier years, I had considered the possibility of scavenging at a thrift or second-hand store to find inspiration. In 2002, in fact, this is exactly what I did. I was able to procure some tight blue polyester disco-looking pants, an African-patterned tunic-type shirt, and a big afro from a second-hand store with a great selection of these items. I also found a really awesome big and shiny pair of sunglasses. I did all this after being persuaded to check out the place by a friend of mine who worked there, come to think of it, probably because I was stuck with the same costume block that I’ve had in subsequent years.

So without conjuring any plan for a full costume in an appropriate time frame, I reminded myself of the success I had that year. Concurrently, my brain noted the existence of discount second-hand stores around my neighborhood, most especially the Salvation Army thrift store on Manhattan Avenue just an 8-10 minute walk from the crib. I took a trip there on the Wednesday of the upcoming Halloween weekend. When I arrived, I considered the advantages of selecting one’s costume at this type of establishment: there are endless combinations of items, allowing you to create your own or emulate a theme you have seen; there are countless possibilities in pants, shirts, jackets, hats, shoes and more; and the stuff is as cheap as it gets. You might have to screen a few of the things you want for suspect smells or stains, but it’s a negligible drawback in the whole scheme of things. As with any reputable garment vendor, there are available mirrors, albeit hidden away and not in a dressing room, so trying on pants is out of the question unless you are quite immodest. However, this is another minor problem, as the adventure involved with selecting one’s items is half the fun in the process of creating the ensemble.

The first rack I looked upon closely during this trip was men’s coats, as in dinner jackets, blazers, sports coats, and what-have-yous. I concluded they had a fine untapped selection at this establishment as I thumbed through a number of jackets colorful and plain, corduroy and linen, patterned and solid, 60’s-accented and 70’s-accented - you get the picture. I began to formulate an idea in my head as I was successfully trying on a minimalist brown corduroy sport coat. I hopped over to an adjacent aisle, found a ragtag basket of assorted hats and picked through a few of them until I found a lightweight, small-brimmed women’s sun hat. I tried it on in front of the mirror, and felt things were coming together. As I turned around on my way to examine the pants, I had barely finished rotating before I was confronted with a rather extensive collection of white and off-white tropical-weight slacks. I was undeterred that this was the women’s pants rack, as I absolutely convinced myself that I could withstand any minor complications a pair presented since I thought they would be the right choice. I settled on a 3/4-length pair in a size made for a big girl, but which were equipped with a handy drawstring. On a lark, I went back to the hat basket, and dug further. I found exactly what my outfit beckoned: a wide-brimmed, heavy cotton sailor’s hat with an adjustable cord.

I was proud of the job I had done. As if to approve of my efforts, I received a cosmic sign in the form of being informed at the register that all items in the store were 50% off that day. My total was a mere eight dollars, give or take a few cents. Though I considered going shirtless, I borrowed a ribbed sleeveless tank top from Linda to complete my appearance once I returned home.

I urge everyone to consider patronizing the nearest thrift store when confronted with this dilemma for Halloween. I know I will end up there many more times in the future.

My Halloween costume:

I suggest putting this song on:

a.) When you have a date over at your place
b.) When you’re hosting a dinner party, to get things “interesting”
c.) When you’re all alone and feeling sad/happy/content/bashful/intrigued/bi-curious/etc.
d.) Basically whenever you find yourself in need of a dollop of Jesse-love
e.) Every moment of every day

Enjoy:

Ciao.

We are also (well, I am, at least) a big fan of John Hodgman, the guy from the Daily Show and from those Mac vs. PC commercials. His humor is incredibly absurdest, and I just think he’s flat-out hilarious.

Well, I never thought I’d see these two topics converge, but they have. Oh, my friends, they have.

I present: SPAMasterpiece Theater (courtesy of BoingBoing.net)

Enjoy.

Ciao.

There is a new application that is taking the iPhone community by storm. It’s called “Ocarina” and it is being touted as the first true instrument created for the iPhone. It is sensitive to your breath, movement and of course, touch. If you are one of the millions of people who played the Legend of Zelda for Nintendo as a kid and wished you too could play the fantastical instrument that gave us their incredible music, look no further. You’re dream has been fulfilled with Ocarina.

Now you can play the theme song from Zelda for all your friends while they laugh at you for being such a nerd. Who wants to play classic 80’s game theme’s on a recorder when you can play 80’s washed up rock songs on a plastic guitar.

The Ocarina is also good for those of us who have a deep rooted passion for music, but were never quite able to (::ahem::) get a hang of the electric guitar, the drums, keyboards, the bass…well, you get where I’m going with this. I don’t really have to explain the joke do I? I know this is Midwestern Gothic and no one is going to read this anyways, so Matt and Rob, you guys get it right? Jeff? No, well I think that stems back from not learning you’re multiplication tables till 11th grade.

Ok, moving on. So you can’t fulfill your dream of rock stardom the usual way yet you fantasize of being a part of a great classic rock song. Again, you’re dream has come true, thanks to Ocarina. Now you too can play the flute/recorder part on Stairway to Heaven and no one will remember your name like we never cared about the people who recorded the flute/recorder part on the original. The only difference between them and you is that they were paid by Led Zeppelin to play and you paid iTunes to play.

Kisses <3

Jesse’s sort of a big deal in the music scene (seriously, he’s very accomplished), and thus, will be our go-to guy for all things music (and, well, by default, all around arts guru). So, give the man a moment of silence to welcome him to his new home. Wait…is a moment of silence for death? I swear he’s alive. Promise.Check out his non MG website here.

And look, here’s a YouTube video of him!

::swoon::

Ciao.

First off, the government is already trying to censor the Internet by mandating the use of content filters. I know the country is kind of close to China, but it shouldn’t be adopting that country’s practices. And now, for some reason, Aussies are taking World Toilet Day quite seriously. First of all, what is World Toilet Day? Well, at first I thought it was another pointless celebration concocted by a bunch of crazies. You know, like Earth Day. But then I thought about it some more and realized that, as far as designating days for certain topics, the toilet is a pretty good choice. I mean, we all spend time with toilets and some toilets are better than others. So any advancement in toilets should be welcomed by, well, everybody.

But the Aussies are celebrating “dry” toilets that, instead of flushing, separate urine from other wastes that can be used as fertilizer. Now, I’m fully behind anyone that can develop some sort of process to cut waste or reuse the previously thought unreusable. But I’m drawing the line at adopting this new toilet if it means I have to personally store or transport what used to be my lunch anywhere. And if these things start popping up all over Australia, well I just might have to avoid that too.

So, Australia, if you’re listening, stay smart on this one. If you can create this wonder toilet without imposing new fecal responsibilities upon me, we can stay friends. And isn’t that what we want most of all?

“widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth’s inhabitants.”…“fearsome floods … horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes.”

And while we at MG wished him the best of luck with his lawsuit, we pretty much chalked that whole mess up to a glaring case of undiagnosed retardation. So you can imagine my joy/frustration/malaise when I read about this Indiana woman who is suing the BMV over not being able renew her religious-themed license plate.

The woman, who had a license plate for 9 years that read ‘BE GODS’, was late this past year in renewing it and was denied when she did. Why? Because of a recent policy adopted this year.

Says BMV spokesman Dennis Rosebrough:

“We do not permit personalized license plates with references to deity.”

Fair enough. But let’s back up. What does ‘BE GODS’ mean, anyway? According to the plate-bearer:

“I associate it with the Bible verse Romans 14:7, 8 [….] No one belongs to himself. If we live, we live onto the Lord. If we die, we die unto the Lord. So whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.”

Hmm, not really drawing a comparison there. When I first read it, I thought she was preaching some new age pagan-esque religion, where the sole tenet is to literally be a god. I got excited, momentarily, and called dibs on Zeus, Lord of Thunder, even though Nick has a huge man-crush on him.

Anyway, the worst part about this is that the BMV took back their ruling and told the woman that she could get the plate after all. Did she retract the lawsuit?

Heavens no. It’s still in full-force.

Ciao.

Well, this picture’s a bit generous. Give them each twenty extra pounds, some weird facial growths, and more split ends than a Halloween wig, and you get the gist. Oh, and here’s another winner:

And thinking about it, this isn’t the first time we’ve seen howling mad vampire/otherworldly creatures fans. Remember the classic 80s film Lost Boys?

I mean, that guy HAS to be a vampire. And look at all the groupies in love with his sax abilities. Crazy.

But seriously, all this nonsense about Twilight has got me thinking about a genre of movies that have invaded pop culture for years: vampires vs. werewolves.

I mean, look at the Underworld series. Supposedly the two species have it out for one another, nonstop, and have been at war for hundreds of years. But why?

Let’s look at them on evolutionary terms. Both species were created with “viruses” of some kind, passed on in both cases by blood (specifically by being bitten). In theory, these are probably the two strongest creatures on the planet. Why, then, would they battle one another? They both feast on us gristly humans, so why not team up to take us down, or even mate to create the ultimate, unstoppable badass?

About the only movie I can even think about that has a vampire and werewolf working together is Monster Squad:

There is a vampire somewhere in the film, I swear, and briefly these two classic monsters work together before they’re destroyed by pre-teens.

And that’s another thing: monsters in movies are entirely too vulnerable. They’re always having garlic shoved down their throats and being shot by silver bullets. I mean, bullets? Who dies by bullets?

Alright, back on track. My point is this: you don’t see lions roaming around, trying to find tigers and killing them. You don’t see hamsters bludgeoning gerbils, or ferrets going after gorillas. Just doesn’t happen. And while werewolves and vamps are humans in alternate forms, they do have heightened animal-like instincts, and I’d like to believe that if they did actually exist, they would work together to systematically wipe humanity from the planet, or at the very least harvest us for delicious steaks.

I guess I just want to see a real film about these guys. No love. No glory. Just a buddy-comedy-type film involving the exploits of a werewolf nicknamed Blue Moona and his best buddy, a vampire named Charles Sanderson, who prey on stupid, weak humans while getting into hilarious and often predictable situations. I mean, this could be a whole series of films ala Lethal Weapon. You could even call it Blue Moon. Then the sequel could be called Blue Moon 2: Blue Moon Rising. And then there’d be Blue Moon 3: Trouble in Paradise. And the list goes on, folks!

So, back to Twilight. Don’t really understand the appeal. It too has vampires battling werewolves, with a stupid, stupid love story at the center of it. And what is the deal with these tween girls thinking it’s sexy to date a vampire? He wants your blood, stupid. Not your love. Never your love.

Never.

Think about it.

Ciao.

Anyway, via the endless connection of tubes that make up the internet, I came across a description, a recipe and a picture of red beet ice cream. Some of you may be like, “What the hell?” But not me. I love beets. I put beets on salads. I put beets on sandwiches. I eat beets right out of the can. And, goddamn, I’m going to eat beet ice cream the first chance I get.

Just look at that. It screams deliciousness. Do yourself a favor and eat beets.

Why am I relaying this tale of college dietary habits? Well, it just so happens that Spam is making quite a comeback given the current economic climate in the United States:

No independent data provider compiles sales figures that include all the outlets where Spam is sold, including foreign stores, so it is not clear exactly how much sales are up. Hormel’s chief executive, Jeffrey M. Ettinger, said in September that they were growing by double digits.

As people continue to look for ways to stretch their money, they’re turning to the old standby. And if their tastes are at all similar to mine and Rob’s, we should be seeing a corresponding rise in mustard sales. I’ll be keeping my eye open. I’m telling you, it really isn’t that bad.

To be exact, I’m a huge fan of Christian Bale. But Batman too, though.

Anyway, I’m sure most of you at some point saw The Dark Knight like it was going out of style (yes, it was that good for those who didn’t), and even though it was this past summer’s blockbuster, I’d still like to bring your attention to a fantastically crafted “trailer” for a fictional work called Battle of the Batmans. The movie itself doesn’t exist, but the trailer rehashes every Batman film ever with lightening-quick cuts to make it seem like Michael Keaton (::swoon::), Val Kilmer, George Clooney, and Christian Bale are all out to get one another.

The trailer was shown over at http://black20.com/ back in May, but considering my AWOL-edness this past summer, I think I have a valid excuse for my tardiness. Anyway, here it is, in all its glory:

Pretty cool, right?

And to honor Quantum of Solace, which comes out very soon, they’ve also cut together a short little something involving Pierce Brosnan and Daniel Craig - very funny stuff, folks (especially the added sound effects and quip about Craig’s Golden Compass) Enjoy this one as well:

Ciao!

Here’s the latest in Obama paraphernalia. Yes, it’s referencing the Beatles’ song. Yes, even though you can’t read them on this picture, it includes lyrics:

I’m in love for the first time
Don’t you know it’s gonna last
It’s a love that lasts forever
It’s a love that has no past…

Yikes. Okay, Obama won the election. He’s going to become president in late January and, for some reason, too many people are counting on him to solve all their problems. I really don’t get it. Guess what? Obama will let you down. But it’s not his fault. It’s yours. It’s your fault for putting all kinds of faith in a holder of public office. Obama is not going to change the world. President’s don’t do that. Regardless of what George Bush said in 2004, presidents do not have mandates because they win elections. The only reason someone acquires the presidency is that a slightly higher number of people voted for him because he was slightly less of a nuisance than the other guy. Wow, Mr. President! You won a head-to-head match against someone else that also has no business trying to lead a country of 300 million people. Congratulations!

Nowhere in the constitution is it written that the president’s role is to be a beacon of hope for the citizens of America. Nowhere is it written that the president should lead the country and attempt to solve society’s “problems.” The president is supposed to execute the laws of the country and check Congress when it is out of line. The president is supposed to be nothing more than a public administrator.

Obama did not win because the majority of the voting public agrees with all of his policies. He won because George Bush made a complete mockery of the presidency and people were tired of eight years of his executive “privilege.” So it’s a good thing he’s gone. Or will be in a couple months. But placing all this faith in the presidency now that “your guy” won the election is insane. All the t-shirts and posters with Obama’s face on them were just plain annoying during the campaign. Now they, along with this ridiculous wood print, are too eerily similar to grand depictions of “dear leader” in Soviet Russia, Cuba and China. Of course, I don’t intend to associate Obama or any American president with ruthless, oppressive dictators. But this cult of personality that seems to be developing around him has got to stop.

My only solace is, like I said, that the majority of people who voted for Obama did so to punish the Republican party. And that’s fine. They deserved it. But the next couple of years will show us just how far the Democrats, in control of two branches of government, will try to push their agenda on this country. Some people might love what they do. But I’m guessing most people won’t. I’m guessing more and more people are starting to realize that it’s much more comforting to have faith in the numerous people in this world that actually create things rather than in some “savior” in the oval office. This is why Obama will let all his “believers” down. I just hope I’m guessing correctly.

But this just begs the question: why do offices continue to exist?

Clearly, some space is needed to accommodate meetings. And some face-to-face contact is required to get some work done. But it seems to me, the majority of work is easily accomplished outside of an office. And, if you’re like me, you don’t like going to the office. Actually, I don’t like doing work period, but the worst part about doing work is having to sit in a desk chair for hours in a big expansive building that I see no reason for existing. It seems that money could be much better spent on laptop computers and blackberries rather than useless real estate.

Some people might say, “Oh, you just want time away from the office so you can watch TV or read a book while working. But work won’t get done that way.” Well, in part that’s true. But, and I can’t speak for everyone else here, I’ve found that I’m much more productive outside of the typical office environment. I’m much more relaxed and in a better mood if I can avoid the office. This helps me work more efficiently and effectively. So what if I take a quick break to read, watch TV or go for a walk? All that should matter is that I get my work done. And I think I’m much better at doing that in a comfortable environment that is not an office.

So is it time to get rid of offices? I think we’re on our way there. People are already allowed to work from home every now and then, and advancements in telecommunications will continue to make it easier and easier to do so. Why waste money on more office space? My dream is to see the day when working from home is the norm and going to the office is the exception. Maybe it’s already like that for some people. But until it’s like that for me, it won’t count. Dream on.

Now that that’s out of the way, we can turn to the good news. A doctor in Berlin may have stumbled upon a possible cure for AIDS. After a successful bone marrow transplant, a German doctor reported that the patient, who suffers from AIDS, no longer shows signs of having the disease. The doctor transplanted bone marrow containing a mutation that prevents a certain molecule from forming on the surface of cells. It just so happens that this molecule, CCR5, is what binds HIV to cells. So, no molecule, no HIV in the cells. Of course, one successful trial does not indicate that the procedure will be a possible cure. But this hard-working doctor just might be on to something. It’s so much better when Germans save lives.

Most quotable quote: [Michael J. Fox’s Scott Howard about to van surf] “These waves are mine.”

Okay, this is another often-overlooked gem from the 80s starring Michael J. Fox—in his heyday, no less. I mean back then, he was king. Back to the Future? The Secret of My Succe$s? God, he was untouchable.

Per usual, here’s the trailer so you can get reacquainted:

Wow. First and foremost, so glad they’ve made cutting trailers an artform. Trailers from the 80s blow. Bad.Anyway, the movie was truly ahead of its time dealing with equal rights, giving everyone, no matter their “make-up” (little pun there), a fair chance—in this case, the minority underdog being a charmingly savage teenage werewolf. Yes, that’s right. A werewolf. Michael J. Fox stars as a teenage nobody who suddenly discovers he’s a werewolf just like his father (who later laments: “I thought it might skip a generation”). Well, good for us it didn’t, because the result is a rip-roaring good time. Maybe the best time!

And look! Before:

After:

Looks real, eh? I mean, real as it can be, I guess.

So, the movie basically follows the nerdy Scott (Fox) who, once he finds out he’s a werewolf, is thrust in the popular spotlight of his high school. While frightened at first, he eventually accepts his unique pubescent change and ends up scoring with the popular theater chick (isn’t that an oxymoron?), basically ditching his nerdy friends and becoming king of the school while avoiding the dastardly principle who wants to find out and exploit his werewolfedness. A major part of the story also deals with his role on the basketball team after he’s made captain because, well, apparently werewolves can do flips all day, nonstop.

Oh, and the transformation renders his eyes red and laser-like, and he gets a deep, synthesized voice just like a computer might spit out!

Freaky!

Scott eventually finds himself ostracizing those he truly cares about, pushing them to the side while he basks in the attention of his new fans, ultimately learning that there really isn’t a replacement for family and friends.

Oh, and remember that quote up at the top, referencing van surfing (or, rather, urban surfing)? What is it, you may ask? Only the single best scene in the movie!

Could only find it in Spanish, so deal with it.

Scott’s situation is a metaphor for teenagers everywhere and the changes (both inner and outer) we all face as we grow up. It also deals with being okay with yourself, being okay with your own skin, and never giving up on your dreams (I think). There’s also a great lesson in there about underage drinking, and another about the dangers of extreme sports (or maybe it encourages it, I can’t remember). There definitely is a lesson about letting fat guys play basketball.

My Score (out of five):

I don’t know about you, but I like my werewolf movies scary and dripping with blood. While this is a truly great film in many ways, and while I can and have watched it over and over in my waning youth, I just don’t think it’s worthy of “classic” status. There are some fantastically memorable scenes, but man, I wish it would have gone a bit more American Werewolf in London toward the end. And while I do appreciate the effort to identify with lost teenagers everywhere on some grand and theatrical level (ala John Hughes), it just missed the mark.

More Styles would have been nice, too.

Oh, and I’m proposing right now a reinvention of the Teen Wolf franchise starring that loveable wunderkind Zac Efron as the cursed/adorable teenage monster. Seriously. That movie would sell and I own the rights. Contact me, Hollywood. Me.

Ciao.

Anyways, my good friend, Steve, told me about Richard Cheese and Lounge Against the Machine. It’s an L.A.-based lounge act that performs covers of well-known songs. If you look them up on YouTube, you’ll find more covers than you ever thought possible. I’ve provided a few of the best below. Enjoy.

Hey Ya:

Welcome to the Jungle:

Sunday Bloody Sunday:

Rape Me:

Most quotable quote: [Peter, to Rufio] “You lewd, crude, rude, bag of pre-chewed food dude.”

God, those Lost Boys were cool.

Question: What’s better than Steven Spielberg directing Robin Williams as a grown-up Peter Pan, Julia Roberts as Tinker Bell, Dustin Hoffman as Captain Hook, Bob Hoskins as Smee, Charlie Korsmo as Peter’s son Jack, Arthur Malet as Tootles, Dante Basco as Rufio, Maggie Smith as Granny Wendy, and a whole mess of boys as…well, the Lost Boys?

Answer: Nothing. Nothing is better than that. There is nothing in the world better better than what I just listed. Nothing!

Okay, seriously, this movie is great. If you haven’t seen it (and shame on you if you haven’t), here’s the trailer:

Wow, right? Could you even imagine there’d be a movie like this…ever? Now, don’t mistake my excitedness for sarcasm. I legitimately love this movie. I can, literally, watch this movie five times in a row. I have. Don’t test me. But…why is it so good?

Simple. It’s got baseball, pirates, a very awkward moment when Tinker Bell grows “big” and tries to molest Peter Pan (who has since reverted to a child-like innocence), more baseball, airplanes, elderly Granny Wendy trying to seduce Peter Pan (his adopted grandmother), and…well, now that I list these things, there is an awful lot of forced intimacy in the film. There’s a scene early on where the Lost Boys, lead by Rufio, corner Peter in a weird make-shift basketball court, and one of the Lost Boys, whose name escapes me and is of little importance, caresses Peter’s cheek with a great deal of tenderness. From this motion, supposedly, he identified the “old man” as Peter, and then the Lost Boys cheer and root for him.

And, as much as I love this movie, this scene just…it’s just odd. See:

Yadda, yadda, yadda. My point is this: the movie rocks. Hardcore.Oh, and there’s mermaids.Okay, my fault. I get so carried away with how much I love this film. The premise is that Peter Pan has left Neverland, grown up in the meantime and become a successful attorney, eventually finding his way back to Neverland to rescue his kids (who were kidnapped by Hook and who has, somehow, come to England without the aid of fairy dust), gets them back, and wages war on the pirates that have otherwise terrorized them. It. Has. Everything.

It not only speaks to generations about the joys of growing older, of letting go of your childhood and learning to take hold of adulthood, of giving up on your dreams and settling for a life you have not chosen, but it also teaches about adoption. Peter was adopted by Granny Wendy when he decides to leave Neverland for good…whose granddaughter Peter ends up marrying…and who tries to get on Peter later on. Wow. Now that’s a love triangle, eh?

It was also an über-successful video game for the SNES:

My Score (out of five):

While this movie may not inspire you to rise up and follow your dreams (although it should), it will tug at your heartstrings in a major, major way. Whether it’s Peter’s daughter singing a song and cooing her pirate captors, or a giant alligator-turned-clock falling down, somehow coming alive, and eating Captain Hook, there’s something for everyone in this motion picture classic.

Ciao.

The first group we examined was “Left-handed Tae Kwon Do dads.” This demographic started with a slight edge for Senator John McCain. However, in March, Senator Obama announced that he would support subsidies for all martial arts programs. McCain called this wasteful, stating that the most effective way to learn martial arts was to find yourself in the jungle surrounded by Viet Cong who want nothing more than to watch you fight Chuck Norris for your freedom. McCain’s sentiments found some support among a small group of tae kwon do dads, but the majority saw more promise in Senator Obama’s plan.

The polls shifted dramatically in June with rumors that John McCain was planning to select John Rambo as his running mate. The news world provided hourly reports for two months as crews kept cameras stationed outside Mr. Rambo’s home. When the rumor turned out to be false, the polls adjusted to their original porportions.

Things took another turn in October when left-handed tai kwon do dads realized that neither John McCain nor Barack Obama was dressing up as a tae kwon do fighter for Halloween. To make matters worse, reports circulated that Obama refused to give candy to anyone dressed in a martial arts costume. These were major campaign blunders and, unfortunately, took place very close to election day. As it happens, support for both Senators fell to record lows.

Support for the candidates tracks somewhat differently when we limit our scope to Toyota Camry-driving aunts. Among this demographic, there was very little support for either candidate during the early months of the campaign season. As these aunts began to pay more attention, support for both candidates grew. However, support for Senator Obabma really took off in May.

At this time, Obama had secured the Democratic candidacy and was photographed talking to Toyota Camry owner Tammy Finnegan. Via her blog, “I, Camry,” Tammy threw her support behind the Illinois Senator. Readers of the blog did the same. In early June, however, McCain supporters hacked into Tammy’s blog and inserted a doctored photo of Obama relieving himself on the leather interior of a brand new Camry Hybrid. Needless to say, all Camry owners, not just aunts, dramatically reduced their suppot for Obama.

The tables turned once again in July. Obama announced that his administration would ensure gas subsidies for Camry owners at a mimimum of $5,000 a month. Analysts thought this was steep, but campaign spokespeople reported a need to overcome the photo scandal. Not to be outdone, John McCain agreed to take part in a photoshoot for an upcoming Toyota-themed calendar. The photo accompanying August, showed the Arizona Senator in nothing but leopard print boxers sitting in the backseat of a 2009 Camry XLE. This pretty much negated Obama’s recent lead and threw the group’s support behind McCain.

As September rolled around, the calendar began to lose its effect and support for McCain cooled. Obama saw meager gains at this time when he announced he would include nieces and nephews in current child tax credits. It was a very tight race through the early autumn months, but then a strange thing happened. Camry-driving aunts quickly abandoned both candidates and threw full support behind write-in candidate Renny Harlin after TNT played Die Hard 2 three nights in a row. Shocking!

And there you have it: two of the most important, yet often ignored voting groups, and their views on the two candidates. Just how much will their preferences affect the outcome of this election? We’ll find out in a few days. But one thing is certain:  candidates would be complete morons to ignore these crucial votes in future elections. Complete morons.

–Midwestern Gothic’s Matt & Rob contributed to this report.

COLLEGE PARK, Maryland (University of Maryland): Time to Barack-and roll

Junior Stephanie Goring finds herself easily distracted and utterly dumbfounded during this presidential season.

Stephanie Goring, a junior at the University of Maryland, is worried about paying for the next two years of college and the effect that the current economic situation will have on her future job prospects. 

Goring, a 21-year-old with an “electric wit” (her words), has recently gone through the little savings she had from the mail route she’s been working since she was eleven, and worries that not having money will effect her inability to purchase things.

“I really don’t like paying for things,” Stephanie clarified.  “So I really like Obama’s plan to bring down the price of college tuition.  I think college should be free.  That would totally Barack!” 

When asked about how her decision has been affected by recent economic events, Stephanie had this to say: ”I definitely think Barack Obama has a much better plan for getting us out of this economic crisis.  I think if Obama is elected president, there will definitely be more jobs available when I graduate than if that other, old guy is elected.” 

The subject soon turned to Obama’s economic plan, and when asked what she specifically liked about it, she replied that she liked all of it.

“There’s really nothing I can point to as being more better than anything else.  The whole thing just makes sense.” 

We then asked her how, exactly, the plan made sense. 

“Well, Obama’s all about creating jobs and I like that.”  

We asked her how Obama plans to create jobs. 

“Well, once he’s president he will be able to do that.  He’ll have time to travel the country and talk to business owners about hiring more people.” 

It kept going on like this until we gave Stephanie a copy of the new Us Weekly and she became distracted. 

KNOXVILLE, Tennessee (University of Tennessee): Seriously we’re not gay.

College juniors Thurman (left) and Donaldson find themselves at odds with their decisions over who should be the next president, and their sexuality.

We caught up with Mark Thurman and Yancy Donaldson, juniors at the University of Tennessee, as they were leaving a leather accessories store.  Mark supports John McCain while Yancy is backing Barack Obama. 

“I keep telling this dufus over here,” Mark said coyly pointing to Yancy, “that Obama is completely the wrong choice on everything from health care to education.  He wants to regulate, regulate, regulate.” 

Yancy responded by saying McCain is too focused on success in Iraq to devote the time needed for America’s other problems. 

“This cracker jack wants to elect Bush III to the presidency.  Well, I say down with Bush!  No more bush!” 

After a short pause, Yancy added, “I mean the man, not the other kind…I’m not gay.”  

We asked what each of them thought made their candidate stand out from the other. 

“McCain’s a maverick,” declared Mark.  “He hates both taxes and Wall Street bankers.  He’ll fight for Main Street.” 

Yancy responded: “Well, I grew up on Main Street.”  (He did.  We checked.)  “And Obama has Main Street’s interests at heart.  He’s about better schools and more health care.  Those are things Main Street loves.” 

We really felt we were getting nowhere with this so we ordered a couple rounds of beer and some shots of bourbon at the local pub.  The two seemed to open up more after that.  

“Obama sucks!” yelled Mark. 

“No, no, no.  McCain sucks!” Yancy retorted.  

When a McCain ad played over the bar television, Mark stood up to clap.  At that point, Yancy threw his empty glass at the screen, shattering it into pieces.  Mark lunged at Yancy and broke his nose.  We decided it was time to leave.  

BRUNSWICK, Maine (Bowdoin College): If I vote, who will clean up after me?

College senior Jamal McDaniels, or “Pappy” to his friends, says the decision on whether or not to vote makes him physically ill.

Jamal McDaniels, a college senior at Bowdoin College double-majoring in Mathematics and Chicanery, finds himself going back and forth on whether or not to vote in the upcoming election, a decision which usually ends in him cradled around a toilet, vomiting up blood and bits of bile.  He also cries a lot.

While the 39-year-old Michigan native opted to not vote in the previous four presidential elections, he has been berating himself ever since and has endured years of therapy to come to terms with his doxophobia.

“It’s not that I didn’t want to vote for the first Bush back in ‘88,” he said.  “It’s just, I have this serious illness which prevents me from voicing my own opinion.  You should see me when I go to a Taco Bell.  It’s absolutely frightening.”

McDaniels, a well-liked man about campus, feels his anxiousness about voting is probably more common than most people think.

“No, you’re not listening to me.  It’s not an ‘anxiousness’.  I physically vomit if I try to make my own decisions or voice my opinion.  I can barely function as a member of society.  Is your tape recorder even on?”

While at first Pappy wouldn’t say who he was voting for, he later said: “Please, don’t make me choose!  I can’t make a decision!  Oh god…I’m going to be sick!”

He added: “Blargh.”

SAN JOSE, California (San Jose State University): Pwned


Sophomore Brian Kipling finds both candidates equally unqualified for the presidency.

At a local cyber café near San Jose State University called Cyberton, students enthusiastically talk about the upcoming World of Warcraft expansion pack, due for release November 13th.

“I just…god, I just can’t wait to get my blood elf Herghgar Posbum up to level 80.  I mean…can you even imagine the possibilities?  Pwnded!” said Brian Kipling, a sophomore and self-professed “video game sex god.”

When asked about the presidential election, Kipling became a bit more reclusive, slinking back in his chair and taking off his glasses, staring blankly.

“It’s not that I don’t like McCain and Obama,” he said, “It’s just, only someone with abilities like my level 60 Draenei mage Clac Thylsam could solve all of our problems.”

He added: “They’re just noobs.  Stupid, human noobs with almost no magic abilities whatsoever.  Can they even swing a sword? Shoot an arrow?  Doubtful.”

We pushed Brian further, asking him if he had to choose between the two ‘human’ candidates, which would he select.

“Well, I mean, I’m planning on getting a job with Blizzard when I graduate, so I guess whoever of the candidates could make that happen…well, they’d have my vote.  And I want a Ferrari and some beers and a live girl.”

Puzzled, we asked him to explain further.

“What the hell?  Who is Bud Thim, and how did he kill me with Fingers of Frost? Are you seeing this?”

Exasperated, we pleaded with Brian to give us something as he began clacking on the keyboard.

“Look,” he said, not looking away from the computer screen and beginning to sweat, “I’d cast some sort of truth-telling spell on both candidates, and find out which one is lying.  Then I’d vote for the other.  It’s that simple.  Interview over.”

After that episode, we decided to call it quits. These various voices indicate just how knowledgeable young people are about the election and how much their voice needs to be heard. These students give us hope for a bright future. 

–Midwestern Gothic’s Matt & Rob contributed to this report.

I’m not the only one who gets a little creeped out by the parade of military personnel doing their rendition of “God Bless America” during the seventh inning of each World Series game. I long for the days of the simple seventh-inning stretch accompanied by “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.” I like the levity that it brings to the ballpark, which is an entirely appropriate venue for such a feeling. I don’t need to be constantly reminded about the resulting military endeavors of our armed forces because of our militaristic government’s policies around the world. I would rather be able to decide on my own how to support our armed forces, and I would especially rather do it somewhere other than the ballpark. We already have the National Anthem sung at the beginning of every single contest - there appears to be no legitimate reason to have “God Bless America” for each of them as well. The “God Bless America” edict for the seventh inning stems from September 11, which was somewhat appropriate then. By now, only the New York Yankees still participate in this every game. Even the New York Mets don’t do it all the time (I believe that Major League Baseball still requires it to be sung all Sundays and holidays for every team), which certainly equals one advantage for the Mets if I, a New York City resident, were confronted with the decision of attending either a Yankees or a Mets game. In a frighteningly fascist move, the Yankees even took it a step further, by restricting movement during not only the National Anthem, but “God Bless America” too, totally disregarding the nature of the seventh-inning stretch. Inevitably, something like this was bound to happen.

Singing the National Anthem doesn’t get off scot-free with me either. Witness the travesty of Patti Labelle’s performance preceding game 4 on Sunday night. I am always appreciative of any singer, whether he/she be a big name star or just a local vocalist, who simply belts it out how it was written. I like our National Anthem - it’s short, sweet, and never sounds any better than how it was intended to be. Watch international soccer games, especially at the World Cup (watch every country’s, in fact; appreciate them all, not just ours) - it’s monumentally better when there is no individual singer butchering it, and the crowd can sing along and in turn get excited to root for their country. I just want to know why the folks in charge of singer selection keep rolling out these egomaniacs who have to put their own spin on the song. It’s the National Anthem, it’s not about you and how silly you can make it sound in your dumb reinterpretation. From where did this idea originally come? Who was the moron who started it? I want that person to pay dearly, even though that person is probably already dead. Too bad.

In general, I am bothered by all of this. I hate having things shoved down my throat, or being told how I have to observe respect. Thinking about this overload of nationalist zealotry in the form of music played at baseball games and how it came to be and still exists, I’d like to borrow a thought from our colleague at Linda Without Borders, and twist it slightly. Take the line “…once you wrap some nonsense in a religious cloak it becomes untouchable,” and substitute the word ‘patriotic’ for ‘religious.’ I wish the people in charge would see these things more lucidly.

This story has extra meaning for me because my hometown, Jackson, MI holds its very own annual Civil War muster.  It’s quite a scene.  A bunch of crazy people run around in full Civil War uniform under the incredibly hot August sun pretending to shoot each other.  At the same time, a larger bunch of insane spectators gather all around the “battlefield” under the incredibly hot August sun and watch these crazies run around pretending to shoot each other.  And all the while, everyone thinks back to the pivotal battles that took place on Michigan soil.  Wait a minute…

Anyway, back to the issue at hand.  According to sources in the article, this act violates the cardinal rule of re-enacting - no loaded weapons.  So, these people actually need a rule to state that?  Interesting.  That right there tells you the type of people you’re dealing with here.  When people need to be explicitly told that they should not load the weapons they are leisurely firing at other people, then your organization is holding re-enactors to a low standard.  Pretty soon, those low standards are going to attract the lowest of the low on the evolutionary scale.  And we’ve just seen what happens then.

In the end, I hope they catch who ever is responsible.  I mean, this thing can’t go unpunished.  The upcoming Jackson Civil War re-enactment is the 25th anniversary of that most sacred event.  People will be taking it extra seriously.  Things could get out of hand.  I’d hate to see this recent shooting as precedent for some wacko trying to sneak in some live rounds.  Cascades park must not run red with the blood of idiots!  The horror!    

That’s a real picture, kids. Apparently, courtesy of this article at boingboing.net and reported originally here, someone down in Australia managed to swipe some photos of a golden orb weaver spider munching on a decent-sized bird.  The bird, they figured, got caught in the spider’s unusually-large web, struggling until it could no longer do so, at which point the arachnid strolled down and began having his way with the poor little guy.
I mean…yikes.  I don’t particularly dislike spiders, but man…that thing is monumental.  I mean, seriously, it’s like a little person dressed up like a spider, hanging from a tree and waiting…just waiting.

Anyway, while I’m thinking about it, wasn’t Arachnophobia a good flick?  Jeff Daniels.  John Goodman.  Larger-than-life spiders.  What doesn’t it have?

:sigh: 1990s Jeff Daniel was so dreamy.  Be still my heart.

Ciao.

Students at Rice University are working to develop a strain of yeast that will simultaneously ferment beer and produce resveratrol.  Resveratrol is the natural compound that studies have linked to lower incidence of cancer and cardiovascular disease in mice.  They’re planning to enter their “BioBeer” in the International Genetically Engineered Machine competition in Cambridge, Massachusetts.

Of course, even if they make it work, it will be a very long time until this is commercially viable.  But, I sure do like the idea.  So, no matter what the other contestants bring to the competition, Midwestern Gothic is throwing our support behind the Rice University students.  And that support is priceless.  

He shouts an exceedingly high amount of the time. He overreacts. He isn’t kind to many of his guests with whom he disagrees, and he is often unfair to them. As much as I appreciate Michael Moore, I think there are occasions when he will assign blame incorrectly and over zealously. Bill takes it to an entirely different level. After doing this, he will invite you onto his show under the pretense of an honest and candid discussion, and then proceed to drown out any perfectly logical statement you make with his mind-numbing logorrhea and his favored gesture of violent pointing, that it almost seems like he will spill out from his chair onto the desk in front of him. Even when he has a good point, he becomes frighteningly narrow-minded and crude. I thought perhaps he had settled down in his older days, but from what I’ve recently seen, much of the same remains.

There are plenty more and more in-depth critiques available out there, should you like to delve into learning about this stalwart of the Fox News channel. I find it curious that we haven’t seen a Saturday Night Live O’Reilly impersonation (or perhaps we have, and I just haven’t been paying attention), or a legitimate parody from anywhere else. In that case, I offer the following. Maybe everyone was just too in awe of this:

I know what you’re thinking: that’s a cake? Well, yes. Sort of. I guess I applied too much pressure while frosting it. Or maybe I didn’t let it cool long enough. But come on. Can you honestly tell me you wouldn’t eat that?

Anyway, I don’t mean to sound like a complete cynical bastard.  I really don’t have a problem with voting.  In fact, I encourage you to vote.  Because, the more people that vote, the less meaning my vote has and the better I feel about not wasting my time to vote.  So, thank you.  But I was thinking.  What if we reformed elections so that politicians didn’t run from states, but from randomly sampled population clusters?  (disclosure:  this isn’t an original idea.  I first read about it in economist Steven Landsburg’s More Sex is Safer Sex.  Check it out).

My main problem with federal elections is that I can only vote for people from my congressional district (House) or state (Senate).  But I have no voice whatsoever in whom people in other states elect.  And those politicians screw things up just as much as the politicians I can vote for.  Case in point:  Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell is running ads about how much federal money he’s sent to the state during his tenure.  He hopes that people in Kentucky love getting federal money and so they’ll vote for him again.  Well, dammit, that’s my money too.  And it’s yours.  And you have no voice. 

But, just think.  What if politicians didn’t represent constant geographic areas, but rather ever-changing geographic areas?  We could assign voters from districts in multiple states to be responsible for voting for Kentucky’s Senator.  That way, Kentucky’s Senator couldn’t promise things to certain people in one area, because he’d be held accountable to completely different people during the next election.  We wouldn’t even have to call him a Kentucky Senator anymore.  He could just be Senator 12.  The point is, if I live in one state, how can I get excited about having a say in how federal dollars are spent if I really have no say in how dollars are spent in the other 49 states?  (And I live in DC now.  We have no Senators.  So I really have no say!).  My vote still wouldn’t count for much, but at least politicians would stop local pandering.  And that’s reason enough to start voting again. 

So, call me cynical if you like.  But until something like this happens, I think I’ll just come home from work on November 4, open a beer and relax.  That is time well spent. 

Got an STD? Let someone know anonymously!

Number one, who is sending these cards? Number two, how would it really make you feel to receive one of these gems in the mail.

“You’re too hot to be out of action. I got diagnosed with an STD since we played. You might want to get checked too.”

If you’re such a raging philanderer, shouldn’t the possibility that you might have caught a chlamydia crab cocktail from the weekend group sex session down at county already have crossed your mind? If it hasn’t, do you really deserve to live? Honestly.

I’d also like to witness the hallmark moment that would ensue if someone in a monogamous relationship sends these kind words:

“Who? What? When? Where? It doesn’t matter. I got an STD; you might have it too. Please get checked out.”

On inspection of the site itself, sending a card comes with handy features like choosing the STD you have, and the ability to send to up to 6 people! Finally, a website that supports moresomes. Yes!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go send out some twenty or so odd e-cards.

On an unrelated note, Rob, please check your email before you have sex again.

But big deal, right?  They’ll just keep hounding her to convert her room to a garage and she’ll keep resisting.  Right?  Wrong.

Her resistance crumbled last week when a local judge ordered her to comply or face possible jail time.

Yikes.  But it gets even better.  It’s not enough that the city might threaten her with jail time, but apparently La Quinta police have absolutely nothing better to do than show up, barge in and put her son in handcuffs:

Code enforcement showed up recently with three inspectors, two police officers and a search warrant.

Jarrod Head, Camargo’s 29-year-old grandson, who lives with her, was sleeping in the disputed bedroom when they arrived.

“They pushed right in,” he said. “I said, ‘What’s this about?’ but they were busy taking pictures. When I asked why they were taking pictures, the police asked me for my ID. I asked why they needed my ID, and they put me in handcuffs.”

The rest of the article contains information on how prosecutors feel this is an issue of public safety (wow) and that Carmargo has the “choice” of paying a $3,000 fine or facing 30 days in jail.  Oh, there’s also this money quote from city building and safety director Tom Hartung:

“I think we are very fair,” he said. “I don’t think you will find a more reasonable department.”

Keep telling yourself that, Tom. 

That political vomit aside, glad to be back…been a long while. And you know what? We’re excited to get back to what we do best: reporting the “news.”

Isn’t it nice to know, that even after a super long hiatus on our end, amid an ever-darkening time in our nation’s economy, that we can wallow in the fact that stories like this are still being reported?

Apparently, local “granny” Edna Jester (jeeze, what a grandma-ish name) didn’t like the neighborhood kids’ ball landing in her yard, and decided to swipe it. I guess she thought it’d teach them a lesson? Here’s Edna’s side of the story:

“This is my life here in this chair, looking out that door, and all I see is playing the ball down and all over and all over. If it doesn’t come in my yard, OK, but if it comes in my yard, I’m going to get it. No trespassing.”

Wow, crotchety doesn’t even begin to describe her. Seriously, is there like a certain age where you immediately start hating EVERYTHING?

The crazy old bird was eventually charged with petty theft, taken down to the local precinct and booked, and, to really stick it to her, all of her Werther’s Originals were confiscated. That’ll teach her. Eating Werther’s is like breathing to old people, they can’t live without them.

See?

Ciao.

Think about the economy, the war, health care, and the gap between upper and lower class America. Could any be worse than they are today?

You can vote for someone very similar to our current president, or you can choose someone completely different. Details aside, I’m ready to take a chance and see what happens. I have no idea if Obama is qualified to be president or not, but neither is our current president, and he was elected twice.

1. Rob left Korea.  Sure, it was fun while it lasted.  But how seriously can you take a country with floor urinals?

2. Matt and Jeff spent a romantic week in Hawaii.  We had the chance to visit our nation’s island state and gawk at the wondrous wildlife; like this sea turtle that just wanted to be left alone on the beach.  Silly turtles.  No one ever leaves you alone.

(Note:  Matt and Jeff did both visit Hawaii.  But at different times.  With different people.  For different reasons.)

3. Nick got married.  Just last month, Nick and Lindsay tied the knot.  And no Midwestern Gothic wedding would be complete without the standard “Four Guys in Front of Something” shot.  Congratulations again to the happy couple! 

Anyway, for those of you who may not be in the loop, just wanted to let you know that I will be moving to South Korea, specifically the city of Incheon, this week to teach English to a bunch of unruly highschoolers.

For the moment, I plan on keeping Midwestern Gothic going (assuming we all have time to keep the posts coming) and I hope you keep coming back to read. I apologize for the decline of posts as of late - we’ve all been between jobs, houses, moving situations, etc.

In the meantime, though, you can check out my new site (www.robertjamesrussell.com) that’ll catalog my day-to-day activities in the “Land of the Morning Calm” - which is what they call it.  It’s not much yet, but I promise to really work on it hard when I get there and get settled.

Ciao and keep on keeping on!

Yikes. I shudder just thinking about it. Coming in at a close second is this bit of news:

BERLIN, March 13 — Americans with PhDs beware: Telling people in Germany that you’re a doctor could land you in jail.

Wait, what?

At least seven U.S. citizens working as researchers in Germany have faced criminal probes in recent months for using the title “Dr.” on their business cards, Web sites and resumes. They all hold doctoral degrees from elite universities back home.

Under a little-known Nazi-era law, only people who earn PhDs or medical degrees in Germany are allowed to use “Dr.” as a courtesy title.

Nazi-era? That was over 60 years ago. And I’m pretty sure it was associated with some pretty bad things. I think it’s time to move on Germany, don’t you think? But at least they can have a sense of humor about some things:

The proper use of honorifics is no small matter in Germany, a society given to formality where even longtime neighbors insist on addressing each other using their surnames. Those with advanced degrees like to show them off, and it is not uncommon to earn more than one. A male faculty member with two PhDs can fully expect to be called “Herr Professor Dr. Dr. Schmidt,” for example.

Haha, “Dr. Dr.” That is pretty funny. Oh wait, they’re serious? Man.

I think this is going a little too far even by German standards. Locking people up because of Nazi-era laws? That is so twentieth century. And early twentieth century at that. Do we really want to revisit things like this:

Anyways, read the entire article here.

I think I chose wisely.

Anyway, it appears that all the naysayers’ naysaying has indeed been accurate this whole time. Seems the herbal supplement known as Airborne, invented by a teacher and supposedly a cure-all for germs the world over, is nothing but a fraud and is now settling a $23.3 million lawsuit. Says this article:

“There’s no credible evidence that what’s in Airborne can prevent colds or protect you from a germy environment,” said CSPI Senior nutritionist David Schardt. “Airborne is basically on overpriced, run-of-the-mill vitamin pill that’s been cleverly, but deceptively, marketed.”

Damn it all, Airborne!

Now, what I’m really mad about is that I actually fell for it. I’m not that gullible, most of the time, and I definitely do not believe everything I hear and/or read. But I’ve been hearing from people I know in form or another over the last four years about how wonderful Airborne is and how fantastic it’s been in elevating colds/etc. Why would they lie?

Granted, I now realize the fizzy pills were nothing more than placebos and that the pscyhological effects of said placebos are far-reaching, but still…all those little $15 vials I bought? Damn it all. And just for reference, no, I have not saved my receipts - so no refund for me.

And now I’m beginning to question that anti-snore gel I’ve been taking nightly since I was thirteen…it probably doesn’t work either…

::sigh::

Ciao.

UPDATE: Thanks to Nick for pointing this out to me. Apparently you can claim up to six vials with no receipt. Check this site out for a form you can fill out. We must unite!

“Wow!” you say. “Whatever was the matter with his plane?”

Nothing, nothing was wrong with his plane. He landed the plane abruptly:

so his teenage son would not be late for a tennis lesson, CBS station WBBM-TV in Chicago reports.

Jesus. The son of the idiot in question, Robert Kadera, the boy in the plane, went on to say:

the house was hectic Saturday and time slipped by, so [we] figured driving to tennis in Lincolnshire from Lake Villa would have taken too long.

Yeah, sure, that’s logical. First mistake? Listening to your stupid-ass son.  And sure, traffic might’ve been bad.  It’s a very real possibility.  And unlike normal and somewhat intelligent men and women who would just leave a bit early with this in mind, he chose to drive to the airport, fuel the plane, start it up, taxi on the runway, fly to the golf course, hope no one was playing a round, land, and escort the kid to tennis lessons. Yeah, you picked the quick way alright. Idiot.

And the best quote of all?

Kadera said he did not think he’d draw as much attention as he did. He quipped that perhaps he should have taken a hot air balloon or a helicopter so he might have been less conspicuous.

HAHA.  WOW, HE’S SO FUNNY! Please, oh please tell me there isn’t anyone dumber than this man on the planet. He just has to be at the bottom. I don’t know if I can handle the thought of there being someone dumber than him. Seriously…

Check out the article here and gawk at living, breathing stupidity.

Ciao.

  Matt: Pennies are a waste of time. And this story from New Jersey only proves that point. One of the complaints was that the students were holding up the line. I think it’s about time we made life much more simpler for everybody and just got rid of this stupid piece of metal. Last I knew, it cost more to manufacture the damn thing that it’s worth. Who can honestly say they don’t get somewhat peeved when they are handed pennies as change? They only end up in some jar or mug on some dresser and are never heard from again. I call that a waste of time, resources and valuable dresser space.

Rob: First and foremost, let’s point out the ginormous mistakes of the establishment in question, here. They’re offering two-dollar lunches to college students. What the hell do they think is going to happen? It’s like wearing tight pants to work and NOT getting eye-fucked by all your co-workers. Jesus.

Second, who even has dresser’s nowadays? Huh?!

Matt: Hmm. That’s a very interesting point about the dressers. I must say I had not given it much thought. I used to have a dresser and then one day I found that I didn’t use it anymore. I moved to a new apartment and realized, “Hey, I don’t even have a dresser anymore.” I’m worried there’s more to this mystery and something terrible is going to happen. Now look what you’ve done. You’ve got me all flustered.

Rob: Once again, Matt has lost point of the issue at hand. Pennies. Can you honestly say your life would be better without them? Huh? I mean, think about all the piggy banks the world over that would go hungry. Giant fake pencils and fake coke bottles that you put your change in. I mean, 85% of those badboys has got to be pennies. You’re saying to just throw all those dreams away? Pennies are dreams, Matt.

Matt: Don’t you see? This is exactly what I’m saying. People have put their faith in pennies for way too long. Anyone who puts their dreams in pennies is a schmuck. First, you really think throwing pennies down a well or into a fountain is going to help you? I think not. Second, are your dreams really worth only $.01? People, realizing our dreams takes effort and a whole lot more money. Take the other day for example. I woke up after dreaming I was eating a Milky Way candy bar. To make that, one of the most simple dreams possible, come true, would already cost $1 in most localities. A penny buys nothing, real or dreamed.

Rob: But put together a hundred or so of those little “dreams” and you can make yours reality. You could’ve had that deelish Milky Way melt in your mouth and you could’ve been so, so happy.

Matt: Um, the U.S. Mint has already put a hundred of those together for me. It’s called the $1 bill. And I can use that $1 bill to buy the delicious Milky Way. And carrying around that $1 bill is infinitely easier than carrying around one hundred pieces of zinc and copper. And paying with that $1 bill is…well, you get the idea. It appears you have done nothing but make my point for me. Kudos.

Rob: Man, whatever happened to the Kudos candy bar? Still around?

Anyway, look. Problem with dollars is you spend them faster. Got a dollar in your pocket? Nope, it’s already gone!

See? Pennies, though, they’re here for the long haul. Like America, they are an amalgam of different things (zinc, copper, alloys, etc.) brought together for a common good. And they live in harmony. Zinc are white people. Copper are the Native Americans. Etcetera. Pennies ARE America, Matt. Get rid of Pennies and stick with your “dollar bills” and you might as well chant “Homogeneous is the only way!”

Matt: Because the first sentence of your response is the only thing that makes any sense, I’ll address that. Yes, Kudos bars are still around. And you definitely can’t get them for a penny.

Rob: Well, I guess we’re going to have to agree on that last part. I don’t know what’s in store for the little guy, but if it were up to me, Pennies would be the dominant currency in America and I’d have a pet bulldog named Bumps.

Now look at the picture and tell me if you do…

Jesus! Seriously, what is that? Look like two rabbit ears plastered to a pair of chocolate balls. And, as you can see from the wrapper on the left, the treat looks NOTHING like the cute little rabbit.

What the hell, Russell Stover?

What the hell indeed.

Ciao.

I’m a bit worried about mixing politics and alcohol. However, everything is a bit more fun after a few drinks and I see no reason why politics should be any different. In fact, I encourage more drinking by our politicians. It might spice up those debates. Every time a candidate utters the word “change,” he or she has to drink. A round of Obamas for everyone!

In related news, I’m changing my name to Keg Lager and running for Congress.

(People being stupid in California)

This rant about California is somewhat ambitious since it is such a large state. It’s one of the largest in land area and the largest in population. So I will admit that it’s difficult to find news that shines a light on the entire state’s stupidity. And California has a lot to admire. The state is home to some of the most beautiful beaches in the world and huge and expansive national parks draw numerous tourists every year. But this state also has its demons. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to let these slide.

As we all know, smoking, and specifically, second-hand smoke, has been a hot topic for some time. I think we’d all be hard-pressed to find somebody in this country who doesn’t believe smoking has adverse health effects. This information is no longer considered controversial. But more controversial are the smoking bans that are popping up all over this country and the world. Many states in the U.S. and entire countries have enacted measures of varying degree, which prohibit smoking in certain areas. These range from restaurants to bars to workplaces to all public spaces.

Here is an index of all nations with some sort of ban on smoking and here is one for states in the U.S. If you look through information on each state, you’ll see that California was the earliest adopter of a prohibition on smoking. The state banned smoking in restaurants and workplaces in 1994 and extended that ban to bars in 1998.

These bans have supporters and opponents. Supporters claim that second-hand smoke is detrimental to non-smokers’ health so smoking should not be allowed where non-smokers are present. Opponents argue that non-smokers are not forced to go anywhere that allows smoking and private businesses should make their own decisions as to whether or not smoking should be allowed. As an opponent of the bans, I can at least acknowledge, albeit slightly, that supporters of bans could make the argument that smoking does pose some external costs on non-smokers. Fine, it’s an argument. But recent news out of California really irks me.

Two cities, Calabasas and Belmont, have recently voted to outlaw smoking in apartments and condos.

[in] Calabasas, the City Council [voted] on expanding its anti-smoking law to bar renters from lighting up inside existing apartments. It would exempt current resident smokers until they moved but would require all new buildings with at least 15 units, including condos, to be smoke-free.

the City Council of Belmont [was also] scheduled to cast a final vote on a similar measure that won initial approval last week. The ordinance, which applies to apartments and condos, would allow fines and evictions if neighbors complained and smokers didn’t heed warnings.

Ok, public spaces are one thing, but private residences? Come on, people. There’s absolutely no reason to mandate something like this. Private developers have already shown this to be true:

Tens of thousands of apartments and condos have gone smoke-free in the past five years, management companies and health activists say. Last month, Guardian Management began phasing in a smoke-free policy at 8,000 of its rental units, mostly in Oregon and Washington.

“We’ve proven the voluntary approach can work very well,” Bergman says.

If apartment and condominium complexes want to advertise as being smoke-free, potential tenants will take that information into account when making decisions. Mandating something like this takes personal choice completely out of the equation. And what the hell is this:

“Fresh air should be breathed by everybody,” Belmont Mayor Coralin Feierbach says. She cites a 2006 surgeon general’s report that says no level of secondhand smoke is risk-free.

No level of secondhand smoke is risk-free? No level of anything is risk-free. If you take a bite of food, there’s always a small chance you could choke and die. Whenever you drive your car, there’s always a small chance you could be in a head-on collision and sent soaring through your windshield into the tree on the side of the road. But we continue to eat and drive cars nonetheless. That’s because some risks are downright meaningless.

The only complaint I can see tenants making about other tenants that smoke is that sometimes the hallways smell. So what’s next, someone who doesn’t like the smell of Indian food complains to the city council in order to ban its preparation from inside a building’s walls? Get over it people. If you think you’re going to die prematurely because you smelled cigarette smoke in your apartment hallway, you really need to reexamine your sanity.

And if all that wasn’t enough for me to really hate California, there’s this video:

I mean, sure, why not visit California. The rich, white people who live there, the movie stars and moguls and famous foodies all say to come visit, so why not?! I mean, if they say to, surely I’ll become as successful and popular as them. Oh, and I’m absolutely sure, as this video points out, that I will have access to the same perks while traveling the Golden State as they do.

Idiots.

Since California is home to people like this, it is truly worthy of my hatred.

I mean what could be more fun than sending items through this “toy” to (a) mimic the fascinating work of a TSA employee, (b) determine if something is made of or contains metal (oh my!), and (c) experience the airport in any place that isn’t an airport?

Actually, if you or any of your kids find this to be fun for any hour (singular), then please do the rest of us a really big favor and just get out of the way. Seriously, just stay in your homes and leave the world for the rest of us to enjoy. If you find any enjoyment in this item whatsoever, you should probably be avoided at all times. And if you buy this for your kids, that sends a clear message that you don’t really like them and you just want them to be preoccupied so they don’t bother you. I’m sorry you didn’t use birth control.

In a perfect world, it could feed the worlds’ hungry. It could clothe the homeless. Cure diseases. Compensate Steve Carell for all those laughs.

It the United Arab Emirates, your hard earned cash doesn’t just buy gold palaces.  It buys indoor ski resorts!

Welcome to Ski Dubai. With it’s 6000 tons of artificial snow, you can ski in the desert. Where else in the world can you hop off your camel, leave your turban at the door, and toboggan down the icy slopes!

In 2008, Dubai will open it’s second indoor ski resort, the Dubai Sunny Mountain Ski Dome. It will feature a revolving ski slope, an artificial mountain range, an ice bridge, a cable lift, a snow maze, an ice slide, polar bears cold water-aquaria and special sound and light effects.

In the United States, we get tax breaks to purchase alternative fuel vehicles. The Middle East will pay double if you don’t live Green.

With its propensity to be stuck in the past and its inability to get fully onboard with new automotive trends like alternative-resource vehicles, and with the rise of foreign and idealistic conglomerates like Nissan, our panelists weigh in on whether this will even make a difference for the once-great American automobile empire GM, or if this is just the beginning of the end.

Rob: Wow, this just came out of left field, didn’t it? I mean, Jesus. We most definitely did not see this coming, did we?

Matt: Of course we didn’t see this coming. Er, wait. You were being sarcastic weren’t you? Well, in that case, yes, we definitely saw this coming. I’m sorry, but what do you expect when your average hourly employee costs you $78/hour including benefits? When a pool of applicants exists that is willing to work for less than this, why would you not seek out a way of replacing your workforce? It only makes good business sense. Out with the old, in with the new. This restructuring is the only thing that can save GM. Ford is also offering buyouts to its entire U.S. hourly force. Yes, sir, things are changing.

Rob: It’s like what Henry Ford said when he first invented the car: “A government big enough to give you everything you want is a government big enough to take from you everything you have.”

Oh, wait, that was Gerald Ford. But I think it’s applicable here as well. And, to further my argument, I have no idea whatsoever why we’ve adhered to such archaic methods in the automobile industry. I have a copy of TIME magazine from the 50s hanging on my bedroom wall that ran a story claiming that by 1990 we’d all have flying cars. Where the hell are the flying cars, Matt!

Matt: You want to know where the flying cars are? They’re in your head! You’ve been completely brainwashed by the words of TIME magazine. Don’t you know how powerful they are? That magazine, alone, is responsible for the delays in the personal computer and the Internet. If it wasn’t for TIME magazine, bloggers in 1929 would have completely forestalled the stock market crash that eventually led to the Great Depression. You put your faith in false gods, my friend.

Rob: Look, let’s just get back to the point. Not all of us were as lucky as your Uncle Bill.

(Note: Matt’s Uncle Bill escaped the United States on a hot air balloon during the Jimmy Carter administration.)

Anyway, the point is this: I don’t feel bad for automobile industry workers. And quite frankly, I think Unions can go to hell. We all know they don’t do crap, they get overpaid to possibly weld a door to a frame, but probably just to push a button and talk like idiots with their friends. It’s a joke. There’s a reason US productivity (in all walks of life) is ranked among the lowest in the world - we’re lazy as hell!

Matt: I’ll address your points separately. First, on US productivity. If Americans are so lazy, then why, whenever I walk past Gold’s Gym, are all the treadmills and stairsteppers full of people looking out the window at passersby? Hmm? Hmm? Hmm.

And second, if you ever talk about my Uncle Bill again, there will be hell to pay. Yes, my friend, hell!

Rob: I am willing to bet that the “people” on the treads at Gold’s are the same idiots who then go home to eat four burritos alone. Then they “off put” those calories by going bi-weekly to the gym.

We don’t live in a “European clime” and it’s easier, in America (and often times more necessary), to drive somewhere. This is what makes us the world’s leading manufacturer of automobiles.

It just stinks that we can dig ourselves into such a deep and narrow pit here.  Perhaps it’s naive of me, but I’d like to believe that when “they” first started using oil as the sole means of fuel for vehicles, that they were intelligent enough to know there wasn’t a limitless supply of black gold. Chances are, though, they just sloughed this whole issue off for future generations to deal with (read: us).

Matt: Listen, my friend, you’re doing nothing but talking yourself into a corner. So-called “forecasters” have been predicting the drying of oil wells for decades. But that’s all besides the point. I, for one, am glad to see auto companies taking the initiative to reduce their costs. Lower costs for them mean lower prices for us. As my Uncle Bill was fond of saying, “Why pay twice as much for a cow with four legs, when a cow with two legs is just as good? The milk tastes the same and you’ll always know where to find it.”

Rob: Well, your uncle is an idiot and you’re missing the point. I think, from now on, GM (and potentially Ford et al) will be struggling to breathe. In fact, they may never rebound from the egregious mistakes of their predecessors. And maybe, it’s a good thing. With these industry titans gone, we can make room for smaller, more efficient car companies devoted to exploring alternate fuel sources.

It’s like, everyone feels really weird when your weird cousin or senile grandparent is in the room during a holiday, making off-color remarks and babbling incoherently. Everyone just kind of nods and feels super awkward until they’re gone. Then the party really starts.

Matt: Well, I guess we’ll just have to agree to agree. Who knows what the future holds for American car companies, but we both see this as a step in the right direction. When it comes to family, however, this discussion is not over. My uncle an idiot? How dare you, sir!

But that will have to wait for another day.

According to the CNN article,

U.S. border officers found a wire between two fences along the U.S.-Mexican border that, when stretched taut, could have seriously harmed or even decapitated Border Patrol agents

Wow. I mean, at least they’re showing initiative, right? Can’t get across to the land of the free, so we’ll kill the patrol guards instead. That’ll show ‘em!

This is actually kind of horrible, though. Sure, it’s only a decapitating wire now, but soon it’ll be this along the Mexico-America border:

Think about it. It could happen.

Ciao.

Wait, what’s the honor, you ask? Per the article:

The Motor City grabs the top spot on Forbes’ inaugural list of America’s Most Miserable Cities.

::sigh::

I wish I could say it’s a surprise, but, it isn’t. I mean, anyone who has ever driven through Detroit has seen neighborhoods aplenty resembling the picture above.

The article goes on:

Detroit [being] in the top spot, with its sister city Flint ranked third, is probably not a great shock. “If Detroit were a baseball team, we’d say they are mired in a slump,” […] Both Detroit and Flint have suffered tremendously from the auto industry downturn.

Jesus, understatement of the year, huh?  But wow!  At the very least, we have a two-for-one type of deal with Flint, eh!

And just for the record, I am so sick and tired of hearing people complain about the flood of college graduates leaving the state to pursue jobs elsewhere.  Our economy is shot, period (thanks, auto industry!), and quite frankly it’s just depressing to be here.  Sure, Michigan has natural  beauty and whatnot, as well as other charms escaping my mind at the moment, but c’mon!  What’s enticing anyone to stay?  Yeah, you can buy houses cheap, but unless you have a guaranteed job not tied to vehicular transport, you’re screwed.

So, my advice for Detroit?  Pack up and move on.  Seriously.  There really isn’t much that can be done at this point so let’s just get everyone out of there and then we can just ignore the ruined cityscape the same way you ignore a sexual deficiency in your partner (best way to make problems go away, in my opinion).

Ciao.

The Middle Eastern nation with a population of close to 25 million follows Wahhabism, a strict interpretation of Islam that, among other things, punishes men and women, unrelated to each other, who mingle in public. In an attempt to put an end to such tomfoolery, officials with the (and I’m not making this up) Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice have instructed shops to remove and not sell anything of the color red for Valentine’s Day. That’s right. No red roses, no red gift boxes, no red wrapping paper, no red anything. That’ll teach everybody!

Man, way to take the fun out of everything. But I guess it’s hard to expect much from a country that allows things like this to happen:

Two years ago, a teenager was raped by seven men who found her alone with a man unrelated to her. The government sentenced the 19-year-old woman to 200 lashes and six months in prison for being in the company of a man who wasn’t a family member or her husband. She was later pardoned.

Man, sign me up. What have I been doing with my life here in the States? I’ve missed out on so much.

Anyway, I don’t really like New Jersey. Besides being one of the only two states where it is illegal to pump your own gas (seriously, look it up), the Garden State also has the following lame divestitures in place:

• It is against the law to frown at a police officer.
• In Neward, it is illegal to sell ice cream after 6pm, unless the customer has a note from his/her doctor.
• It is illegal to slurp soup.
• In Trenton, it is illegal to throw a bad pickle in the street.

And apparently it’s also state mandate to at all times be doused in a gold/orange “spray tan.” Yes, that’s right. First of all, people, this NEVER LOOKS NATURAL EVER AND YOU LOOK LIKE A GIANT DOUCHE WHEN YOU’RE WEARING IT. Second, see above.

Now, men from New Jersey have a tendency to be stereotyped as over-muscled Neanderthals with little or no fashion sense carrying accents that could peel lead paint. I happen to agree with this statement. And for those of you who haven’t seen MTV’s True Life chronicling life on the Jersey Shore, here you go:

See what we’re dealing with here? Ugh. Well, over at Barstool Sports, they’ve highlighted what seems to be a national pastime for the eleventh most populated state in America. Sure, you could flick on the news or read the local paper to see the horrors in the world, but truly, my friends, you’ve never seen anything like this before.

::barf::

Ciao.

Listen up people. Allison, my live-in maid, has started a new blog titled Jumping in Art Museums. Apart from being a maid, she’s also a graduate student at American University in Washington, DC. Anyways, we ventured out last weekend to snap some photos and this one here is of me jumping for President Martin Van Buren’s portrait at the National Portrait Gallery. I hope you’ll notice the sign I’m flashing with my hands. If you don’t recall it, you might need to check this out:

Anyways, Allison has recently been mentioned in DC’s Daily Candy here and in the Washington Post here (you’ll have to scroll down just a bit). She’s more than happy to post submitted pictures of people jumping in front of works of art. You can visit the site for instructions. So get out there and jump!

As reported by KVOA Tuscon:

Robert James Russell, 37, is accused of beating two different women in the last eight years.

Damn me, damn me straight to hell!

It’s believed he lives in the north-northwest side of Tucson. If you know where he is, please call 911 or 88-CRIME.

Check out the article and see my beautiful picture.

Ciao.

Researchers claim this treatment could help reduce or eliminate faults in the mitochondrial DNA of embryos, which are responsible for various ailments including liver failure, stroke-like episodes, blindness, muscular dystrophy, diabetes and deafness. Opponents claim science is interfering with the basic building blocks of life and treading down a path towards the creation of “designer babies.”

Our panelists weigh in on the promises and drawbacks of this scientific breakthrough.

Matt: Wait a minute. I thought this was old, old news. Didn’t they make a movie about this back in 1988? We’re still talking about this?

Rob: Yes, yes they did, Matt. And Twins is as relevant now as it was when it debuted. I mean, it asks the really big questions, wouldn’t you agree? Where do we come from? How many scientists does it take to impregnate one woman? Who would you rather look like: Danny DeVito or Arnold Schwarzenegger? I mean, Ivan Reitman (the film’s director) was the first person, I believe, to really bring national attention to cloning.

Matt: Whoa! Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. No one wants to hear the “c” word, ok? What we’re talking about is using mitochondrial DNA from a third person to possibly replace that DNA in a growing, but potentially self-destructive embryo. One can’t help but draw the link between organ donation. The mixing of DNA is a serious business. Some organs are rejected by the receiving body. What happens with DNA in embryos? Will the embryos fight back? Does an embryo accepting of donor egg DNA become a Schwarzenegger while an embryo that rejects the same DNA become a DeVito? Or is it the other way around? I mean, Danny can be a pretty funny guy. The movie portrayed Schwarzenegger as the ideal “twin,” but is this really true?

Rob: Look, you’re making some asinine comments, my friend. Before you start blabbering, do some research. I think Reitman said it best on the director’s commentary of Twins: “You want to clone? Fine, clone away. Just make sure the clone looks like Danny Devito. An army of Arnold’s would be unstoppable! But an army of Danny’s? C’mon, piece of cake?”

I couldn’t agree more. And to further prove my point, I think we all remember the last time a bunch of ornery clones got out of hand:

Matt: There you go again. You’re inserting your “cloning” agenda into a discussion that has nothing to do with it. We’re talking about a scientific advance that allows a small amount of DNA replacement to help reduce the likelihood of future ailment. I won’t take your bait. I simply will not be drawn into a discussion of which man we should and should not clone. What I’m talking about is…dammit! I can’t help myself. Please, please clone Danny!

Rob: Look, the long and short of it is that we can barely take care of ourselves, let alone these “cloning pets” you keep going on about! Regardless of how important you and your cohorts feel DNA is, it will become obsolete in about ten years with all the technological advances coming our way. I mean, have you seen that ASIMO robot?

Now that’s the future of DNA.

Matt: I must say, I am very intrigued by your thoughts about the future. I mean, who knows what will happen, right? The future could very well be taken over by ruthless ASIMOs whose only wish is to torture and mock us. However, your post also leads me to wonder: do you, sir, know what DNA is?

ROB: Don’t be daft, dear Matt. Yes, I know what it is. DNA is the “term” given to the ambitions of human beings. Remember how they had “Manifest Destiny” back in the 1930s? This is like that, only for now.

Matt: Well, hmmm. I…uh…hmmm. So, Danny DeVito is an ASIMO? I’m very confused.

Rob: Well, I guess we’re just going to have to agree to agree on this, Matt. Whether our DNA becomes more ASIMO-like or not, I think we can both admit that Danny DeVito is excruciatingly short.

Since no one has commented on the ads, it seems like it’s my responsibility to break down all the action between the snaps. And with it costing 2.7 million to buy 30 seconds of airtime (not even including production costs of actually making the spots), it’s not surprising there was more Justin Timberlake and Stewie than Brady and Moss.

So, which were my favorites?

None. They all blew.

What happened to the golden days of advertising in the big game? When there were story arcs that carried themselves across the whole game. Bud Bowl, I’m looking in your direction. Michael Jordan and Larry Bird are always up for a game long game of horse, right boys?

At nearly 3M a pop, my guess is that it’s not economically feasible to have these game long masterpieces. Instead, we get giant pigeons and Francis Ford Copolla rip offs. Seriously - who are the ad wizards that came up with this one?

Superbowl ads will always have a few lite beer spots where guys love their precious brew so much they’ll go to all sorts of ends just to smuggle it into places that no normal man would be caught without the ability to get himself sloshed on low-calorie mash. There will always be talking animals and babies.

It doesn’t get much better than this, folks. Sorry.

The Patriots could go 19-0. This feat would silence the damnable ‘72 Dolphins forever. No more clips of Mercury Morris and Don Shula drinking champagne when the last undefeated team loses. I wasn’t alive, but by all accounts the ‘72 Dolphins weren’t even that good. I wanted to see history in the making.

The Giants were the underdogs. I always lean toward the underdog. Eli Manning is a country bumpkin, brother of last year’s Superbowl MVP Peyton Manning. Who doesn’t like that story? Last year, Tiki Barber retired from the Giants. On his way out, he managed to belittle Eli Manning and criticize his former coach Tom Coughlin. This year they made it to the Superbowl without him. Now the entire world knows Tiki Barber isn’t as important as he thinks he is.

My heart was with the hapless Giants. The Patriots have two faces, Bill Belichick and Tom Brady. Bill Belichick is a cheater and a douche bag. The NFL found him guilty of cheating and penalized he and the team extensively. He’s a douche bag because he gives former assistants the cold shoulder for taking head coaching jobs, and because he runs off the field with 00:01 left on the clock, ruining the Giants’ victory celebration.

Tom Brady is becoming the Paris Hilton of the National Football League. He’s a model, he dates beautiful woman, and he’s the only athlete with his own paparazzi. He’s a product of the University of Michigan, and we know how I feel about that. Tom Brady has everything, does he really need a fourth Superbowl ring?

So there I was, rooting for the New York Giants. They were up by 3 points in the fourth quarter. Tom Brady executed his usual game winning heroics, and scored the go-ahead touchdown with less than 2 minutes to play.

I didn’t think the Giants had a chance, but I was wrong. Eli Manning marched his team down the field, he stayed up when he should have fallen down, and he made the clutch throws. And with 30 seconds left, he threw a beautiful game winning touchdown pass to Michigan State alumnus Plaxico Burress, and all was right in the world.

Apparently for the last three years Animal Planet has shown what they dubbed Puppy Bowl during the Super Bowl. It’s a program aimed at those who don’t really care about football or commercials or America, and to be honest, considering the football event of all football events only captures about 60% of the market, there’s still a whopping 40% to be collected and why not try to stake a claim at it, right? Well, kudos to Animal Planet for trying to wrangle in as much as they can. I mean, who doesn’t like puppies, right?

Now, I’ve heard of the Puppy Bowl in previous years, but never invested any time in it whatsoever. Then, last night, they re-ran Puppy Bowl IV after the Super Bowl ended and I caught a glimpse and Jesus…it was…incredible.

I know what you’re thinking, “What in the hell is it?!” Well, I’ll show you. Since I couldn’t find any clips from last night’s Puppy Bowl, though, here’s one from Puppy Bowl III:

Seriously. All it is is puppies running around with some omniscient narrator going on about how “energized” they are while spouting a plethora of other euphemisms. Now imagine that for 2 hours!

Oh, and the “half-time show” last night was nothing more than eight kittens placed in a room with confetti being blown at them with some jazzy music in the background. And let me tell you, having seen burnout Tom Petty perform, the former was far more entertaining than the latter.

I still just can’t believe that this exists. But, I guess it does make sense. This is about the truest form Animal Planet has ever taken. I mean, it was nothing but animals. Cute, adorable, stroke-inducing animals.

Well, as entertaining as the Super Bowl was, I think I know exactly what I’ll be watching next year.

Ciao.

Addendum:  Of course, it had something to do with the Germans.

Think to self: You are such a douchebag.  Don’t every talk to me you homeless piece of donkey shit.

Say: “Hi.”

Do: Punch that fucking asshat in the face and kick him while he’s down.

Well, the search is over, friends. Look no more. It’s here, the greatest e-card website of them all: Some e-cards.

I wont’ go into too many details about the site and let it speak for itself, but here are some highlights:

1. It’s free.
2. It’s hilarious.
3. Tons of cards to choose from for just about every occasion imaginable.

Granted, most of the cards are laden with satirical humor, but that shouldn’t stop you from perusing their archives. And, just to show you how serious I am, here are three of my favorites, in no particular order:

Damn that’s good. Enjoy, send me a card if you feel the need, and good luck to ya.

Ciao.

Wow, courtesy of Yahoo, something special for y’all. A bit of a throwback, really. You ready?

I hope so.

New Kids on the Block are making a comeback.

Or so it seems. Per the article:

The band’s official Website, www.nkotb.com, is, after a long period of dormancy, once again up and running and imploring fans to keep hanging tough for a forthcoming announcement. That announcement, per People, is that Jordan Knight, Joey McIntyre, Donnie Wahlberg, Jonathan Knight and Danny Wood will be making like the Spice Girls and relaunching their once chart-dominating act.

Yes! When I was in fifth grade I used to wish that at recess I had the super power to physically morph into any one of the New Kids on the Block and that I would become irresistible to the girls and while this may never happen, it now it looks like at the very least I’ll get to see them gyrate and move like it’s 1989 all over again.

Granted, this is a bit of a backslide for the likes of Wahlberg who has actually gone on to be a fairly reputable actor in his own right. The others, sure, I can understand, I mean…what the hell have they done since? A few gigs here and there, maybe a solo album no one listened to ever (I’m talking to you, McIntyre), but that’s it. Well, the almight singsong of the dollar beckons, I suppose.

Anyway, stay tuned for the announcement, which should very soon. As for me, I’ll be waiting with my checkbook ready and I don’t believe there’s a number too high for this kind of nostalgia.

Sing it with me: Hangin tough, hangin tough, hangin tough.

Ciao.

You like that rhyme? Of course you do. That’s all me, baby. Copyright right here! So don’t you dare think of stealing it for the next “over-the-hill” themed party you attend. Not cool, I say!

But for real, I love Legos. Like a lot. My most treasured toys from childhood, besides TMNT and GI Joe action figures, were of course anything made from Lego bricks. In fact, my little brother and I used to have building competitions. We’d name something, like helicopter, and see whose was better and one-hundred percent of the time it ended in one of us being upset and both our concoctions being decimated in a fit of awkward pre-teenage angst.

Ah, yes. Memories.

Lego’s website has a whole new slew of products commemorating their milestone anniversary. I mean, what better way to wish birthday salutations to the most famous brickmaster of them all than with this little gem:

(Wait, a Spongebob Squarepants Lego scene for only $19.99! Yes! Go, buy!)

Anyway, Lego today seems to be more popular than ever. It’s being made into fine art, there are contests aplenty between online communities, and then there are the blogs celebrating the plastic building block. Brother’s Brick, for instance, is perhaps the greatest (and geekiest) Lego-related blog ever known to man. Period.

What sort of Lego stories do you have from your childhood? Still play with them? I think,that Lego bricks have made our dreams possible in a world where prejudice and racism and sexism disappear when you snap together the last piece of a poorly-constructed version of your 1984 Chrysler New Yorker that you think is just “wicked.”

But damn-it-all, I still can’t find any of those little one-piece bricks!

Ciao.

And what befalls our rogue band of heroes this time out?

Synopsis: The annual Jacksontown Muster itches Rob in all the right places as he and Jeff go on a quest to prove once and for all that the Civil War was the sexiest war of them all.

Excited?! Can you feel the electricity?! Click on the scripts link to the right or here for direct access.

Ciao.

Watching him as the Joker this summer in the Dark Knight just won’t be the same.

Why, god! Why did he have to take all those drugs and die naked face down in his overpriced Manhattan apartment?

Most quotable quote: [Doug’s rule for his clones] “Nobody has sex with my wife but me.”

What a great film, eh? Wait, you’ve never heard of or seen it?! How is this possible? This is by far Michael Keaton’s greatest role (after Mr. Mom, of course) and you call yourself a Michael Keaton fan? Oh, you’re not a Michael Keaton fan? This…is…awkward…

Check out the trailer to get reacquainted:

Still not registering with you? To hell with you! I’m going to do my film review anyway! MK (as he’s affectionately known to me) is a gifted man and this overlooked film in the pantheon of all things MK is a great, great piece of work. And, if the aforementioned title isn’t already a dead giveaway, there’s a plethora of MKs in the film! Huzzah, MK fans everywhere unite!The 1996 film was directed by Harold Ramis and it envisions a world where Joe Everybody can waltz down the street and decide willy-nilly that he desires a clone, hop on down to his local medical clinic/hospital and get the job done. Seriously, that simple. Here’s a brief synopsis per the Wikipedia entry:

[MK’s] character, Doug Kinney, is a stressed-out family man who meets up with a scientist who has developed a successful means for cloning humans. The scientist allows Doug to make a clone of himself that can take over for him at work, while he tries to spend some quality time with his family. The clone, called “Two” (while having all the knowledge, memory and experience of Doug), turns out to be overly macho and easily irritated, suffering a residual personality quirk of the cloning process.

Haha! Wonderful. Hijinks ensue, let me tell you. Two eventually makes a clone of himself behind Doug’s back, dubbed, coincidentally enough, Three, a very feminine version of the bunch who has aspirations of becoming a chef. But wait, how can you top three MKs?

Easy. With four! Yes, Three decides his life is too stressful as well and makes a clone of himself named Four, easily the dimmest of the bunch. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “That’s a LOT of MKs!” Yes, but can you really ever have enough MK? Regardless, the man does have some acting chops, as you can see from this clip where Doug first learns of Four’s existence:

Oh boy, oh boy! Such fun.Now, Ramis decided to forgo dealing with any of the moral implications of cloning, rather to focus the film’s momentum on the nature of consciousness and the human soul and he delivers a powerful tour de force of epic and philosophical proportions. I mean, there’s an entire scene where clone after clone sneaks into Doug’s house while he’s away and one by one they are seduced by his wife (after he’s commanded them all to keep their distance from her, played beautifully by Andie MacDowell).

This is not the sort of everyday subject matter most directors can not only envision, but successfully craft. Ramis’ unique vision is asking us, the reader, what does it mean to be cloned? When we’re sad, are we a “sad clone” of our normal self? Does this “sad clone” have the same human rights as the rest of us, and should it? All of this is discussed quite intimately in the film and without MK’s involvement, I dare say, it would be but a stark and hallow version of the masterpiece it became.

My Score (out of five):

Go see this film. I saw it in a bargain bin at the grocery store last week for $2.99 with the purchase of three Lean Cuisine dinners, so I know it’s available. Great, great deal, folks, and it may even change your perception of the world!

Ciao.

Yes I’ll be the first to admit that a majority of the posts here at Midwestern Gothic deal with scatological matters. Hell, two of our most current posts are on “Poop Particles” and the “5 Minute Piss Pal.” But, as I’m sure you can all agree, defecation in its many forms is something we all deal with, some of us more than others, on a daily/hourly basis. So, our love of all things bodily fluid-related is understandable…right?!

(And, for future reference, we have this handy new graphic that will be plastered on any post potty-related.  Boohyah!)

At any rate, I thought I’d jump on the bandwagon and talk about an extremely awkward situation I encounter on a near-weekly basis: The Three-stall Showdown.

First, let me say that I value my bathroom (stall) time. For those that know me and know my affinity for not wearing clothes and/or prancing around in my birthday suit, you’ll agree that there are very few times in my life where I desire privacy, an unencumbered moment or two to really be by my lonesome. The time I do consider sacred, though, is while I’m in the lavatory and I don’t feel comfortable with ANYONE being in my vicinity while doing washroom-related business (mainly numero dos) - not family or loved one or friend alike. In this regard, they are all the enemy.

And I’m not really sure why this is, it’s a natural thing, this defecation. Smelly, yes, but natural. Maybe I was dropped in a toilet as a youngster…maybe…

Anyway, so as I’m sure most of you can also understand, I have a set time of day that I usually unload and during this period I hightail it to my favorite (and usually underpopulated) work bathroom. The specific public restroom in question, actually every single one in my building is designed the same, has three urinals with three stalls located directly behind (including one for our handicapped friends). Today, and unfortunately it wasn’t the first time, I entered the bathroom and only the middle stall was available. Being that it was an emergency response situation (or ERS), I sat down.

Here’s where it gets tricky. Stalls are built for privacy, I would imagine. But there’s nothing private about being surrounded by two grown and overweight men who are having some major fiber issues in their diet (explosions, folks!), and this can be troublesome. What’s worse though, and what happened today, is that I was flanked on both sides by men who were waiting for the other to perform their duties first, so they would not be the first to “pass” and be the first to suffer through this initial embarrassment. It’s like a rocket launch sequence, and there are three operators, but no one wants to be the first to say “lift off!” Seriously…exactly like that.

Problem is, when there are three guys all waiting for the others to go, holding back or dropping the Cosbey kids off with as much will power as possible to be silent, it’s just a overly weird and surreal experience. Here we are for almost ten minutes, not one of us making a move, no one making a sound, all waiting for someone else to go first as a line of people file in to piss then leave.

So what did I do?

Well today, I zipped up and left. Turned out the ERS in question was nothing more than a false alarm and I was able to just hold it back for a while longer, return to my sanctuary later on (which I did) and take care of things on a more private scale - a real Fortress of Solitude type situation.

C’mon, you know what I’m talking about. I bet this has happened to every single one of you out there. Sure, there are some folks who don’t mind an audience (they’re called “sickies”), but the majority of the readers out there, I’m willing to bet, are on my side.

Or am I that insane?!

Ciao.

My beef is with the fact that this dude is wearing BIG headphones.  I mean you know he doesn’t have an old school cd player in his pocket.  I mean you know he has an iPod so why the big headphones.   The way I see it there is only one reason:  they are noise cancelling and therefore he doesn’t have to hear his fellow employees at all.  What kind of message does this send?  I mean I work in a fairly quiet environment.  I mean if you have to throw the “big ones” on when it gets loud and you are sitting at your desk, then fine.  But to walk around all day with these things on and not respond when people say hi is just rude.  I mean you aren’t Charlie Fineman.

Remember grabbing her butt right when you heard the lines:

I don’t care who you are (who you are)
Where you’re from (where you’re from)
What you did

God that was awesome. Remember making out with her when making out meant light kissing and just a slip of the tongue?

Shit, now I have an erection at work…

This, dear friends, is it.

Barkley: Shut Up and Jam: Gaidan.

The year? 2041. Neo New York has been destroyed by a force that can only be described as “The Chaos Dunk.” A dunk so powerful, it’s like 150 megaton nuclear bombs going off at once. And this dunk can only be performed by Charles Barkley.

Basketball has been outlawed by the great B-Ball Plurge. Michael Jordan, a turncoat in this modern era, is charged with busting old hoops stars for playing the sport they love so. Larry Bird is a man of the cloth, denying his roots.

Your task? Make a better world for your son, Hoopz, a plucky youngster aching to learn the game Balthios James, the great grandson of Lebron James.

I can’t make this stuff up folks. You’ll just have to watch the whole trailer (stick with it through the first 2 minutes, it starts kind of slow but trust me, it’s worth it. Then download the game. The very essence of Barkley’s personality has been captured in it’s rawest form.

Seriously, what are you waiting for. Download it!

 

Nick: Jeff, hold my coffee while I go to the bathroom.

Jeff: Just take it in with you.

Nick: Seriously, I’m not getting poop particles in my coffee.

The weather was nasty, visibility was low, and the roads were icy. On my right, a car had lost control. Its front bumper was hugging a tree like a hippie on spring break. But I drove on. 

A few miles down the road, I start to think, “Why didn’t I stop to help?” Someone was in the car, the headlights were still on, and no emergency response had arrived on scene. The driver could have been hurt, could have been lacking a cell phone… 

Again, why didn’t I stop? I was a boy scout. This is what I’m trained to do. If I’d helped, my girl would call me her hero. I’d feel good about myself. Instead, I was one of a million that drove by, figuring someone else would be the Good Samaritan. 

Back to my walk from work. An old man pulls up beside me, and asks if I want a ride. Perplexed, my mouth opens to decline. I’m questioning his motive. 

Is this karma exacting its revenge? Does this old man want me to get in his car, and touch his genitals? Or worse, ask if he can touch mine? 

Or are his intentions true? Is he demonstrating how a good person should act? The person who helps a person in need. 

We’ll never know, my car was ten feet away and I declined his invitation. Then I got pulled over on the way home. Bad karma? But I only received a warning. Good karma?

Anywho, I digress. The coffee and cigarettes in question are, quite actually, a duel pack of coffee/cigarettes that will be sold at popular Japanese convenience stores AM-PM.

Yes, that’s right. And says the Times Online article reporting the matter:

AM-PM have started selling a combo pack of Marlboro cigarettes with a can of Emblem Black Georgia coffee - the leading coffee brand of Coca-Cola Japan.

And look at this packaging!

Gotta leave it to the wily Japanese to come up with an idea of this…uh, magnitude. Oh, and don’t forget to check your local pharmacies in mid-2008 for the unveiling of the RU486 abortion pill/Zima action pack. MmmMmm good.

Ciao.

Out panelists take a look at one of the most overlooked of the bunch, Marc Forster’s adaptation of the Khaled Hosseini novel Kite Runner, and, knowing relatively nothing about the film, cast a ballot on whether or not their interest is piqued for the coming-of-age drama.

Rob: No.

Matt: That’s a very interesting and thoughtful position. Though you provide much to dissect in that comment, I must begin by saying that I agree with you. This novel (and now movie) has sparked no interest in me whatsoever. Which is completely different from saying I don’t like it. I know nothing about it. (It involves kites, right? And Afghanistan?) Therefore, I maintain my position that this film should continue to be overlooked and with much more intensity.

Rob: Whoa.  While I agree with you on many philosophical levels, your disregard for Afghanistan and the Afghan people discourages me greatly. Yes, I have no interest whatsoever in seeing his picture or reading the book, regardless of how well-crafted they may or may not be, but I was under the impression we were living in the Twenty-first Century, Matt, not the Dark Ages. Your xenophobic view of the world leaves me with little hope for the future.

Matt: My xenophobia is the only thing ensuring a future! Can’t you read between the lines? Are you that shallow? It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that this story is much more profound than we thought when this panel began. Do you know what kites do? Do you? Kites take up our time. They keep us from getting important work done. But at the same time, who can resist flying a kite? Who can resist harnessing the power of the wind in one’s hand, even for the briefest of moments, while a kaleidoscope of color floats above? I dare you to find such a person. This story is nothing but kite propaganda. It’s objective is to get us all to fly kites and to neglect the very things that keep society functioning. No thank you, sir.

Rob: I feel a fool for lashing out at you so hastily like that. I’ve calmed down and I apologize and yes, you are correct, sir. The film and novel present a world where children, no matter their social and economic strata, have nothing but time to follow their youthful fancies without fear of retribution, even in a war-torn country like Afghanistan. Is this reality? Is it feasible that children and men and women can forgo the luxuries of having to work just so they can chase around a paper kite? And does the kite stand for something greater? No, it doesn’t.

I think, truth be told, this film is subconsciously and maliciously trying to throw off the world’s economy one seemingly “harmless” childhood diversion after another.

Matt: I think you have hit the proverbial nail on the head my good friend. My only fear is that this book’s disastrous effect may already be too large to reverse. What then? How many people have taken up the hobby of kite flying since this book’s publication? And how many more people will its message reach once it is released in film form? These are the questions that keep me up at night. These are the questions that determine the future of this world. I believe it was a British nanny that set this trend in motion many years ago with the simple yet destructive words, “Let’s go fly a kite.” Well, the future may be a utopia for her and her followers, but what about the rest of us? Is there no hope?

Rob: To echo my first point, no.

And while some might chastise my lack of interest in this film, despite the reasons we’ve identified, I’d retaliate by saying there are a host of films I care not to see or books I have no interest in reading. I’ve never read Mein Kampf, but I get the gist of it. I know nothing more than the basic outline of 27 Dresses but it will be a cold and crisp day in Hell before I have a need to pay ten dollars to see it.

Matt: Well, then I guess we’re just going to have to agree to agree. I think we’ve come to the conclusion that our time is just a little too important to be spent on anything kite-related. I only hope we’ve convinced enough people to think the same.

Interesting Individuals are those that any normal person will see on the street and think quietly to themselves “That damn freak”, unless you have Turrets Syndrome and then you yell it at them. Unlike some of my peers I seem to spend inordinate amount of time focusing my thoughts on what makes these people the way they are today. These folks have touched my life like no other.

Please take the time to share your own experiences with the Interesting Individual focused on in this article by using the comments section below.

Interesting Individual: The 5 minute Piss Pal or 5MPP from here on out.

The Scenario
You have been at work for about 3 hours so far and the day is dragging. We all know the feeling and what better way to combat it then to step away from that ball and chain (read: desk and computer) and waste time by going to the bathroom, while of course engaging in some conversations along the way (to waste extra time). Just as you arrive at the threshold of the bathroom, Mike from accounting steps up behind you. Pleasantries are exchanged as you enter the bathroom, for once you are completely in talking is not allowed.

Mike starts going to the bathroom and he has a full stream going. You start a weak stream in the urinal next to him. Your embarrassment only slows your stream to a drip drip drip. However, being a man of courage you stand next to Mike and continue to drip it out. About 35 seconds in and you are all dripped out while Mike still has a full powerful stream. As you start to zip up he looks over you and delivers a smug smile.

You start to wash your hands and because you want to see how long Mike’s powerstream can keep up you wash them good, not like your usual turn on the faucet, turn it off, and grab some paper towels only to throw them away dry. 55 seconds have passed. Finally, you finish washing your hands and at this point you are ready for surgery you scrubbed them so good. Mike is still pissing and while his stream has lessened a bit it is still resonates louder against the back of the porcelain than anything you have ever done. 1 min 45 seconds.

As you start to leave the bathroom you look between Mike’s legs and the stream is awesome. Overcome, with jealous you stop walking for just a second. 2 minutes. Mike notices the change in movement behind him and just as he looks back you start to slowly shuffle towards the door. He waves and mutters “Sayonara.”

You wait outside the bathroom to see if he comes out. At this point he has been in there 2 minutes and 15 seconds. So you wait while staring at your watch. It feels eerily similar to waiting for your girlfriend at the mall while she uses the restroom only you know she isn’t going to the bathroom the entire time.

Finally, Mike strolls out and as you try to look like you are reading a posting about your employment rights that is posted on the wall near the bathroom you look down at your watch and nearly 5 minutes has passed. That’s when you realize Mike is a 5MPP.

Reasons to strive to be a 5MPP
1. Being a voluntarily fireman with your own water house and water supply. Think about how the chicks will dig you as you walk up to a burning building and put out the blaze with your powerstream.
2. The respect of other men once they find out you are a 5MPP. I mean who doesn’t wish they could do that on a regular basis?
3. The ability to drown small children (your own or others) with your own bodily fluids if they don’t behave. No more crying children while you try to enjoy a nice dinner with that hot lady at the restaurant where stupid parents think they can bring their kids.
4. Helping the environment by filling small stream and lakes in times of a drought.

Part III: America’s favorite son

Tom Cruise. Nutjob extraordinaire, whambam action star rapidly approaching an age the general public considers “the twilight years.” He’s married to that chick from Dawson’s Creek, who shall remain nameless and whose acting career has, well…can something go down the shitter if it never was up the shitter to begin with? (Watch this trailer for Mad Money and see what I mean.)

At any rate, Cruise has made/makes some good pics, regardless of his nutjob beliefs. I, as you may recall, have a tendency to think most world religions are overrated, although I’m more than accepting of someone’s right to choose their belief system. But even I have my limits. Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses are fine and dandy (fine and dandy on the crazy meter, I mean), but Scientology takes it to new heights.

Now, if you haven’t been conscious in the last decade and don’t own a computer (how are you reading this without a computer? Witch! Witch!), then here’s a wonderful little snippet from a great eppy of South Park that truly does sum up what Scientologists believe.

Note: This really is what they believe. Beware.

An alien reason. I see. That explains quite a lot. Now, because I do generally enjoy his body of work (I actually did enjoy Mission Impossible: III), part of me feels that Cruise gets a bad rap and we should give him a break.Then this video came out.

Seriously, watch this video. I’m not going to embed it because I think it might collapse the site (and/or I’m paranoid that any sort of legal threat from the Church of Scientology might extend to anyone hosting the piece), but wow…it’s creepy and awful and…just wow. Watch the first minute or two and tell me what the hell he’s talking about?! It’s really that bad.

A few highlighted Cruise claims (in no particular order):

I know that [Scientologists] are the only ones that can help.

It’s a problem we all face. Putting our ethics upon other people.

You’re either on board or you’re not on board.

Confused? Yes, you should be.

A recurring theme we have here at Midwestern Gothic tends to be our hate for all things stupid people-related. So, and just to get this straignt, Scientologists are the authorities on the mind? Really? Dear reader, check up on L. Ron Hubbard and tell me then if you believe anyone at all ever could be an authority on anything, following that idiot’s idea of eternal bliss. I guess you could be an authority on how to make the worst decision of your life ever, but that’s about it.

And the Church of Scientology really has been trying to suppress the video, claiming copyright infringement among a few other things, but it doesn’t seem to be sticking. (Check out their legal threats here.)

The funny things is, if most Scientologists really do believe they are not involved in a cult, but rather a life-changing religion, then why in the HELL do they get so livid when a video like this gets leaked? In all fairness, it’s just a straightforward vid with a man professing his boylove for all things Hubbard. So why do they not want this to circulate? Cruise has star power and maybe they can lure a few more idiots into their clutches. So why are they so crabby?

Because they know it’s a sham. Because they make boatloads of money off people (Cruise included) who possess inferior brains and lack general reasoning capabilities.

Anyway, I’m not here to preach. I’m only here to scold. Check out the facts and decide for yourself.

Ciao.

UPDATE: The video in question has been moved, and you can find it and all sorts of Tom Cruise/Scientology goodness here. The specific video I linked to is number three.

I’d like to take a moment, though, and clarify a few things: The site is indeed made up of more than myself, Matt, Classic Jef, and Nick. In fact, if you recall, Jack used to post quite often and was a grandslam fave with the readers. That being said, by no means did I mean to oust Jack by having two posts involving the above mentioned foursome’s adventures on New Year’s Eve and in Toronto.

But, in a fit of jealous rage, Jack felt as if he was ousted and decided to write two posts (here and here) lampooning the ones I had previous done. At first, thinking our readers wouldn’t understand the “feud” that was happening behind the scenes, I opted to delete said facetious posts. But, I eventually decided to leave them up because, after all, they still are pretty goddamn funny.

So there it is, just in case you were a bit confused regarding the bubblefuck of postings going on this week.

And I’d also like to say so long and goodbye to Matt as he relocates to Washington D.C. and becomes our new Bureau Chief there. Can’t wait to see what happens when he skews the land of politics like it’s never been skewed before!

Ciao.

Our panelists weigh in on the safe bet and answer the age-old question: Cake or pie, which is better?

Matt: While I thoroughly enjoy both desserts, this is and has always been an easy decision for me. If both items aren’t available (or, if they are, but I don’t wish to become a gluttonizing freak), I will most definitely always prefer pie. It’s so very simple. I’ll take fruit and crust over cake and frosting any day. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’ve had some very good cakes in my life. But the best pie will always beat the best cake and the worst pie will still beat a mediocre cake.

Rob: Hmm, I tend to agree with Matt. Pie is pretty damn good. I mean, Jesus, it’s so flakey and delicious! However, I do love me some cake. In fact, I might even prefer cake. But the problem is this: the best parts of cake, in my opinion, are the frosted edges and top (and any gooey layers buried within). The actual cake itself, no matter how “moist” the baker claims it is, is always dry. And you always need something, a drink to accompany a slice of cake and it does little to sate my dessert craving, to be honest. Pie, on the other hand, is nothing but globular and sticky and sweet in every bite. You have a crust, but it’s a thin layer and the insides are the best part. It’s like if that raspberry strip inside a white cake was actually the whole cake. Then it’d be perfect. But then I guess it’d just be a raspberry pie. So, back to pie again.

Matt: You say you love cake and that the best parts are the frosted edges. Well, I’m afraid I have to disagree with you on that. I typically find frosting to be too sweet and like as little of it as possible. The only problem is that most cakes are made with too much frosting which completely overpowers the cake. The only alternative is to make my own cake, but, come on, like that’s ever going to happen. The fruity sweetness of pies, on the other hand, is completely balanced by the dry crust. They work together perfectly. And, although this has nothing to do with taste, I have to believe pies are more difficult to bake. Especially if you make your own crust. That has to count for something, right?

Rob: You’re way out of line, here, Matt. Merriam Webster defines cake as “a block of compacted or congealed matter” and yet you complain that it’s too congealed? The frosting keeps the damn thing together! I can’t handle your flipflopping ways. First you say you love pies, then you say you actually really like cakes, but you believe pies are better because the crust is hard to produce by hand. Have you ever made a cake by hand? I thought not. Slap a jar of pie filling into a graham cracker crust and you’re eating a pie in an hour. Not so easy with a cake, is it? My vote is back to cake.

Matt: Um, when did I ever say I “actually really like cakes?” And I’ve never seen a cake fall apart due to lack of frosting. Frosting is not load bearing. And if you want to talk about pie filling, we might as well talk about cake mix. Let’s see…put it in a bowl, crack an egg and mix. Wow! You’ve got me there. But let’s get back to what really matters: the taste. Regardless of how they are made, it’s difficult, no, downright impossible to beat the combination of pie crust and fruit filling. Cakes don’t stand a chance. Ever.

Rob: Well, after taking what you had to say carefully into consideration, I guess we’re just going to have to agree to agree on this. Pie is the superior dessert here. The ratio of filling versus crust is outstanding, no matter what flavor you choose, and nine times out of town a slice of cake just leaves you feeling empty, like there’s no end to your dessert-fueled blues! Pie though, pie is fantastic. And you can even get it in little “to go” sizes called tarts. Is there anything pie can’t do?

And, for your information, I have seen a cake with load bearing frosting once in Bay City. Needless to say, the aftermath was not pretty.

(Myself, Ted, Tim, and an obscured Bob enjoying a rejuvenating go at one of America’s most favorite pastimes, “getting your fucking boy scout medals”.) 

Let me start this report out by kind of admitting that there were indeed biases aplenty before we crossed the border to the land of those wily “Maple Leafs”. What’s with that syrup, after all? But, for the sake of bloggers everywhere, Ted, Bob, Tim, and I had to discover firsthand what the metropolis affectionately known as the “Big Fire” was all about.

We left on Thursday morning after getting our final boy scout medals.  Shit that was sweet.  See the picture above.  We were drinking juice all night and by the end we couldn’t stop giggling.  All the ladies are going to love us in O-titty with our sweet medals and all that donkey ass shit.

We drove all day long, but since we are so young and usually only drive pinewood derby cars it took us 15 hours to get to the about Traverse City.  Which from Grand Rapids usually would only take about 4 hours.  So we got a hotel and got ready for a pillow fight.

Next thing we noticed? We were buff as shit and we were going on a gay cruise across the great lake of Lake Superior.  Oh shit I love gay guys.

Lastly, the nightlife.   We stayed in our hotel in Oliver Paipoonge most of the evenings (7 out of that we were there.  We ate twinkys and drank mountain dew.  We were playing World of Warcraft the whole time.  Tim kept eating twinkees well into the night.  I told his now fatass to slow down, but he wouldn’t.

Anyway, that’s about it.   One last picture of us before we left.  Got any tales of Oliver Paipoonge or Canada you’d like to share? I’d love to hear about it.

Auf Wiederhoren.

 From all the gang here at Midwestern Gothic, Happy 1st Muharram (Islamic New Year, 1429 CE. This day commemorates the migration of Muhammad and his followers from Mecca to Medina in 622 CE. where the first Islamic community was established. Muharram lasts for ten days.)!

(Myself, Nick, Classic Jef, and an obscured Matt enjoying a rejuvenating go at one of
Canada’s most favorite pastimes, “bedding”.)

Let me start this post out by fervently admitting that there were indeed biases aplenty before we crossed the border to the land of those wily “Canucks”. What’s with that poutine, after all? But, for the sake of bloggers everywhere, Matt, Classic Jef, Nick, and I had to discover firsthand what the metropolis affectionately known as the “Big Smoke” was all about.

We left on Saturday morning and after successfully (and sweatily) talking to the boarder guard and letting her know our intentions were amiable, amid some hypernervous babbling courtesy of Matt, we found ourselves driving on the longest and most boring stretch of interstate anywhere in the world. Seriously, it’s the worst road ever.

First thing we noticed? Canada LOVES Tim Horton’s. Granted, Tim does make a mean cup o’ Joe and Nick and I scarfed down some turkey and bacon club sandwiches like they were going outta style, but still. Every exit? I mean, when is enough enough? Not like we do that here in the States…er, McDonald’s and Burger King excluded, of course.

It was gray and dreary when we got into the city and we unloaded things at the hotel and decided, since we were there, we may as well go check out the CN Tower, the world’s tallest freestanding structure. After paying nearly thirty Canadian Dollars to ride up, I realized that, while it was fairly entertaining to lie on a glass floor that opened up to the earth below like a bunch of tots, that was about all there was to do at the place. Conclusions: Toronto does not have a skyline like Paris or London and in fact, the CN Tower seems to be the only “attraction” of its kind in the city. So, it’s great to check out, but if you want to come to the city for touristy things like that, to really have a wonderful skyline to check out, then you’re better off going to a closer ‘opolis, methinks.

Next thing we noticed? Canadians love their hockey. And what a stupid sport. I hate it. It’s boring, it hardly gets coverage in the States, at least compared to other sports, and it’s really, really boring (did I mention that?). But try to go somewhere in Toronto where there isn’t a hockey game on. IT’S IMPOSSIBLE! I believe that when the powers that be created the Canadian people, they put a caveat on their lives: that they would only exist and sustain as a people so long as hockey was being watched somewhere by someone, every day all day for all of eternity.

Lastly, the nightlife. Now, we all know I have a penchant for getting overly excited regarding every tiny thing that happens across my path, and there’s been more than once, on more than one trip, where I find a bar/pub that I absolutely praised as being the best. Sure, in hindsight, some of the bars I’ve enjoyed on my treks really weren’t that great (although I still stand by Waxy O’Connor’s), but our night in Toronto closed with our migration to a wonderful tavern called the Madison Ave. Pub, or the “Maddie.”

And what did we learn from the Maddie? For starters, there’s just as many douchebags in Canada as there are in the States, maybe even more. Oh, and they all sound Canadian, so technically they’re bigger douches. And they have this beer, called Steam Whistle, to which we were, earlier in the day, invited at the brewery to partake in a few free samples of…and boy oh boy is it bad. I mean Busch Light from a can bad. Free, yes, and we drank every drop, but by no means it is on my wishlist of beers to ever, ever consume again.

Oh, and another thing. Molson. Pretty decent beer, if you ask me. They have Molson Light, Molson Canadian, and Molson XXX (among a few others), but chances are normal people call it by just plain ole’ Molson. Well, not in Canada. Not once, but twice did we try to order a pint and/or pitcher of Molson, and we were instantly given wayward glances followed by the words: “So, a pint of Canadian, then?”

Yeah, we get it. You guys brew a lovely and cheap beer. Congrats. But don’t be a dick about it, right? It’s not that good. In fact, with the sour taste you left in my mouth, oh keepers of the Canadian bar, I might never drink Molson or Canadian or whatever you call it ever again. Ha. Now what?!

Anyway, overall, it was a good trip. Toronto is pretty lowkey for a city of 2.5 million. We walked quite a bit and felt safe, the metro was on time and fairly clean, and besides a fairly exuberant amount of bums, it was a pretty cool place to check out. However, this is not a European city. There are not caches of architectural gems to gawk at (that we saw, anyway) and besides a handson Science Museum (that we didn’t get to go), this is the kind of place you go to just to get away. To grab a beer with some good friends. To reminisce about old times and how the dollar’s value is so bad you’re getting raped on exchange rates.

Anyway, that’s about it. Got any tales of Toronto or Canada you’d like to share? I’d love to hear about it.

Ciao.

So, A Guide to All Things Tacky Fabulous in Orlando blogged last weekend about a local Orlando car dealership called Family Auto Mart that features a ripe and delirious staff (one of them affectionately called the “Family Man”), and then linked to one of their infamous thirty-minute infomercials - trust me, the production value is through the roof!

Any any rate, what I’m about to post is a video so ludicrous and so inconceivable and just so outlandish that you can’t help but smile a bit. Well, smile and reflect on your life, thanking the good Whatever in the sky that at least you aren’t these guys. I found a bootleg version on YouTube and while long and static-laden, it does not disappoint.

Check it out:

Also from the Tacky Fabulous site:

They have merchandise, a fan club (with photos from an autograph signing), a CD, a bio that reads longer than War and Peace (without a spell-checker), an instructional video (so you can do the “Family Man Dance” at home), and a great motto which is clearly the work of a fancy ad agency (”Kiss me in Kissimmee!”). Oh, and I think they sell cars, too.

And what’s that? You want more? Check out the Family Auto Mart website here for all the “Family Man” soundbites you can handle and a cache of fodder for nightmares years to come.

Ciao.

The premise is that the fighters from the SF franchise are now either elderly or middle-aged and are preparing for a new tournament, held by the now-wheelchair-bound M. Bison. The best part of this, surely, is Guile and his line: “Sonic-fucking-boom.” Pure gold.

And Ken as a total wuss? It’s so perfect. Way better than that Street Fighter “film” starring the late Raul Julia (what were you thinking, man!). And I guess this is Part 6, which means there are 5 previous gems out there somewhere, but I haven’t partaken in them just yet (I’m saving something for the rest of my “work week”).

Anyway, enjoy.

Warning: There is some “sideboob” action in the vid, so be prepared to minimize the screen if you’re watching this at work. Yes!

Ciao.

Question: What does this say about tiger attacks and the safety of the general public, if anything?

Matt: Why is it that every time something bad happens, an isolated incident, if you will, (like, say, a tiger gets out of its enclosure and kills a man), people freak out and think enhanced security is the answer when the odds of something like that ever happening again are so small and were so small in the first place, that no one even thought of enhancing security in the past?

Rob: My problem is this: it’s a wild effing tiger! There doesn’t need to be a huge case about it. This is what people are asking: “We need to figure out how and why a wild tiger would attack a human.” Jesus, ding ding ding ding.

Matt: But it’s not just that a tiger’s instinct might be to kill a human. I’m talking about the infrastructure. It was obviously secure enough for so long a time that nothing ever happened, and then one thing happens (granted someone died), but it was so isolated and the reasons can probably be identified, that completely overhauling the enclosure, say by building a 19 ft wall, seems a bit exaggerated, excessive and extravagant.

Rob: Yes, I agree, and chances are zoos all over the country are now going to redo tiger enclosures, just to satisfy the general public and assure them this won’t happen again. But let me assure you, if a 350 pound tiger wants to escape, it will. What the hell do you think it does all day in a cage? It trains.

Matt: You raise an interesting point about other zoos possibly copying the efforts of San Francisco. And they would probably do so for one reason, completely void of logic: nobody wants to be the second party guilty of “oversight.” Public outcry would be deafening. People are so ingrained to look for reasons something happened that they ignore the fact that similar events can be so coincidental and completely unrelated to each other that they merit no response. Building a wall will most likely add no security to the zoo and rob patrons of an unobstructed view all in the name of appeasing an irrational public.

Rob: Well, guess we’re just going to have to agree to agree on this one, then. Can’t wait to see what happens when Bobo the “tame” water buffalo tears through the Toledo Zoo and runs amok.

Christopher Martin of the wildly unsuccessful hip-hop/comedy duo Kid ‘N Play was released from the hospital yesterday after a driver involved in a police shootout struck his car. If you recall, he was the one without the towering flattop (see below).

Martin now lives in Durham, North Carolina and regrets every House Party film he ever made:

Check out the article here.

Ciao.

From all the gang here at Midwestern Gothic, hope you had a wonderful (and far more handsome) holiday.

Cooper was never caught and understandably has never been heard from again. Some experts believe that he perished during the fall while others are convinced he lived on into maturity under a false identity. At any rate, who really gives a crap, right?

For starters, the FBI does. That’s who. On New Year’s Eve, the Bureau

released drawings that it said probably are close to what Cooper looked like, along with a map of areas where Cooper might have landed.

Now, I’m not sure why they released drawings when drawings were previously released a countless number of times. Did they work then? No, they didn’t. Well, a slew of men over the years have come forward claiming to be Cooper, partially due to these drawings, but all were proved to be fakes. In 2001, the necktie that D.B. left on the plane was tested for DNA and they now have at least this much to go on, which seems to be enough to scrutinize the crazies if nothing else.

But seriously, who cares? This happened 37 years ago! Let’s wrap it up, folks. I mean, if as of today we still have no leads whatsoever, what does releasing a new and slightly updated sketch hope to accomplish? Chances are, if Cooper did survive and lives a senile life somewhere having spent the very low sum of money two months after he required it on hookers and coke, he’s still not going to come forward now. Is there nothing, nothing at all, that the FBI could focus their attention on? Hell, I’d take a new bigfoot sighting at this point.

And really, the FBI has nothing to do apparently. Seattle-based agent Larry Carr drones on:

“Maybe a hydrologist can use the latest technology to trace the $5,800 in ransom money found in 1980 to where Cooper landed upstream.”

Yeah, maybe. And maybe you can get a new effing hobby, moron! I mean, a hydrologist…really?! There HAS to be someone somewhere who can think of a better use of government resources.

Check out the story here, if you dare. Oh, and if any of the readers out there happen to lend a hand in apprehending Cooper thanks to my intrepid story , I’m claiming 20% of the reward money right now. Deal with it.

Ciao.

In all non-secular fairness, shouldn’t we call Christmas “t-Mas”?  Get it, a cross?

To all of you efficient, lazy scribes, I say quit penning “X-Mas” on your cards, gifts, and holiday ramblings.  Stop taking Christ out of everything holy.

America, Fuck Yeah!  

The behind the scenes footage is actually really great, so check it out, and “Failing Upwards” is a really funny and fresh look at office politics - the second episode just debuted (which is embedded below), and it’s hilarious.

Check out the site and give everything a looksie. Or else.

Bathroom Buddies

Add to My Profile | More VideosCiao.

That being said, and before you all go your separate ways and stuff yourselves into food comas as your crazy Aunt Faye drones on about interracial relationships and those evil Democrats, here’s a list of five holiday “un-gift” ideas that I implore you NOT to purchase. And if you already have…get ready for some awkward silences and uncomfortable stares.

What not to buy in no particular order:

1. Nut and bolt salt and pepper shakers - Jesus. Really? I guess these are aimed toward the resident “handy man” in your life, but if it’s really gotten to the point where this douche you know “needs” something like this, or you think it’s just really clever, then chances are you need to dump this person and dump them fast and reexamine your life. I don’t care if they’re family, friend, lover or other - give them the ax. Sure, they can work a table saw like you would not believe and yes, they probably bogard every communal conversation with tales of home construction projects gone awry that somehow manage to come out clean in the end (as they always do, right?), but seriously, this is lame. No one needs to know this guy. Learn how to hang a door yourself, it’s not that hard.

2. Sushi-themed pillows - Yes, that was not a misprint. Apparently the geniuses behind this product think it’s a great idea to fashion pillows into sushi rolls. Sure, I can see the novelty appeal of it, if I squint real hard, but other than that, who really gives a crap? I mean, personally, I love sushi. Butif I woke up to find my dried spittle clinging to a “flat California roll”, I’d be hungry and pissed my spit wasn’t clinging to an actual California roll. And fear not! They make an assortment of roll-, nigiri-, and appetizer-shaped pillows for the sushi aficionado in your life!

Oh, and here’s the first official commercial:

Now, if these pillows have the ability to conjure 3-4 Japanese men and women out of thin air, then this product may have just redeemed itself. Score!

3. Hillary Clinton nutcracker - Okay, I can sorta see how this might be amusing…maybe. Okay, fine. I can admit that seeing the usually uptight and helmet-haired Hillary cracking walnuts between her powerful thighs while wearing one creepy-ass grin makes me giggle a bit. I may not want to eat those nuts, but I’d be cheering her on every time.

4. Yodelling Pickle - Remember that stupid singing bass that was popular for like a minute ten years ago? I predict this thing is even more annoying and far more idiotic. A singing fish…fine, it was cute for a brief second and in the realm of unbelievability not the most unbelievable. But a pickle? And who likes yodelling? No one does. Ever. Not even the Swiss like it and it’s like their thing.

And what’s even worse is that the company behind this monstrosity is so serious about it. They begin:

Are you sick and tired of trying to convince a jar of pickles to yodel using melodious mind bullets and sheer force of will? So were we.

No one talks to pickles, dumbasses. Pickles are for eating, not having conversations with. Sure, maybe this product and the silly website is aimed at the geriatric or juvenile crowd, but do you really doubt the awfulness of this? Good. Stay away. Far, far away.

5. The Airzooka - I guess this is for those people who have always longed for there to be some sort of toy that combined the explosive power of a bazooka with the harmlessness of a gust of air. Well, here you go, idiots: the “Airzooka” is here to perpetuate your stupid dreams. Per the manufacturer:

The AirZooka is a very cool toy that shoots a harmless blast of air up to 40 feet.

Wow! 40 feet! I don’t even know where to begin. Really. How is this fun…at all? I mean, there is no part of this that sounds entertaining. If you need to be blasted by a puff of air, stand in front of a fan. Jesus.

And there we go, folks. This year’s list of my most hated products. Got any others I missed? Let me know.

Ciao and happy holidays.

Now, I applaud whoever made this (as amateurish as it is) for actually putting this song together and finding parts of Disney films that (somewhat) work with the dialogue. Must’ve taken two, two-and-a-half hours. Kudos.

But even so…it’s still pretty bad. See for yourself:

Ciao.

Police said the officers ignored calls from dispatchers and stayed inside a substation, where they had been assigned to 60 days of foot patrol after they were issued a citation for not wearing their seat belts during a traffic accident.

Wow, I feel safe. Good to know that that while you’re getting mugged at gunpoint or carjacked or raped you can count on the “popo” to at least get all three magic whistles from Super Mario Bros. 3.

Cop 1: Shit, there’s a 245 over on Cass, that’s our beat!
Cop 2: Yeah, but dude, about to beat Iggy Koopa here….
Cop 1: But, it’s our job, ain’t it?
Cop 2: Let me ask you this, rookie…you ever seen a Tanooki suit?
Cop 1: Hell no I haven’t! (pause) They’ll be fine anyway, right?
Cop 2: Sure, and if there’s still trouble after we beat Bowser, we’ll go down and check it out. How’s that sound, champ?
Cop 1: You’re a great partner and an even better friend.

End scene.

Check out the article here and fear for your life.

Ciao.

Your bumper sticker implies superior intelligence. People with bumber stickers are dumb. Hmm…

Do you think Stephen Hawking sports this bumper sticker? No. Intelligent people don’t call others dumb to feel superior. They enjoy the comfort of knowing they’re smarter.

When you display this bumper sticker, what are you trying to prove? The only chuckles you’ll get are from fellow stupid people. 

Scene: Three cars on road, in general vicinity of each other. First, Nick in Mazda, wearing business casual attire and drinking Starbucks. Second, 40-year old single mother of four, wittily sporting “I See Dumb People” bumper sticker on her ‘92 Cutlas. Third, 28-year old hick in his ‘80 Dodge Ram pick-up truck.

Cutlas: Look at that dude in his Mazda drinking designer coffee. He’s dumb.

Ram: Huh huh, “I See Dumb People”. That fruit in the Mazda is dumb, he ain’t got no gun rack or nuthin’.

Mazda: Christ, get me out of Jackson, Michigan.

In my opinion, you might as well rock the “I’m Dumb and I Think This Bumper Sticker Is Funny” bumper sticker.

(Note: This is not Nick and Lindsay - It’s the only engagement photo I could find.)

Mitt Romney, the Republican Presidential hopeful, has been shouting from the rooftops about his Mormon faith recently, trying his damnedest to prove to all of his would-be voters that whatever religion he is doesn’t matter because, “the President will need prayers from all religions”. Yes, he actually said that. And true, we do need to adhere to a little thing our forefathers setup about keeping religion and government separate, for the good of everyone, but really…he’s bringing even more attention to it instead of detracting from it. Way to go, dumbass.

So, this has been getting me thinking about the Mormon faith and then today I was kindly pointed to a video that’s “banned” from the Mormon Church and at one time was used to instruct Mormons on the history of their religion.

In recent years, thank you Warren Jeffs, the Mormon Church has tried to ostracize themselves from these extremist “sects” and they’ve tried hard to characterize themselves as a legit religious outfit. Now, again for the record, I’m not one to make fun of a religion (scientology doesn’t count and it’ll be a cold day in hell before I ever capitalize that word), unless of course said religion is deserving of a lambaste (see my post on Jehovah’s Witnesses here). I personally have extended family that are Mormons and I’ve attended my fair share of Mormon services while growing up and I can say that most of these people, besides having the usual character flaws all us humans have, they were decent and normal people.

Which brings me back to this fantastic video which deals with the origins of mankind as reported by the “prophet” Joseph Smith - the founder of Mormonism. Now, I’m going to post the video below so you can all watch and laugh and cringe and get angry and hit things, but I’d like to point out the main points first, so you can be prepared (oh and btw, I could NEVER make anything this outlandish up):

1. There’s virtually trillions of planets scattered across the galaxy and they’re ruled by countless gods who once were human like us.
2. One on of these planets, a”spirit child” was conceived and called Elohim. He was hailed as a god on this planet and was married to lots and lots of women.
3. Through “endless celestial sex” Elohim produced billions of “spirit children” with his many wives.
4. The head of the Mormon gods called a fairly decent sized meeting many years later to discuss what to do with these “spirit children”. Elohim’s eldest sons, Jesus and Lucifer, where there and were most definitely double-dipping.
5. They decided to “build” planet Earth and send the “spirit children” there and to have them take mortal bodies.
6. Lucifer got pissed as his “bid” for savior of Earth was lost to his good-for-nothing loafer brother Jesus. One-third of the “spirit children” vowed to join Lucifer in a revolt against Jesus and became demons and were forever cursed to not have physical bodies. Uh-oh…
7. Those “spirit children” who took no side in the fight…wait for it…were “cursed to be born with black skin”. The “spirits who fought valiantly against Lucifer” became white-skinned people on Earth. Ugh…
8. A thousand years later, Elohim came to Earth from his “starship” to have sex with the virgin Mary so he could present his son Jesus with a mortal body.
9. After Jesus’ resurrection, he came to America and preached to the Native Americans, who the Mormons believe are the “real Israelites”. By 421 A.D., the Native Americans had finished battling a race of white-skinned people in America who had written their history down on gold tablets and buried them, found later by…drumroll…Joseph Smith.

And yeah, there you go, folks. Just the beginning of the absurd history of Mormonism. Normally I’d go on a tirade right about here, but I can’t. I just can’t. As silly as Jehovah’s Witnesses appear to be, Mormonism is resting on a whole other echelon and quite frankly, I don’t even know where to begin!

So sit back and digest these points (and enjoy if you can) and get ready for some seriously whacked out crap:

Ciao.

Now, I never really got into this cartoon myself. In fact, it kinda annoyed the piss out of me. I know I have a short attention span at times, but man, oh man! Speed Racer was like that kid in your middle school class with ADD who was always eating Jolly Ranchers and Pixie Stix.

Now, if you don’t remember clearly because you were too busy spending your youth loading up on Pop Rocks and cola, here’s the intro to the cartoon: