I’m speechless. I love working in advertising, and I hope that commercial was real and not a joke.

I’m no fisherman, but this seems pretty handy. Disgusting, but handy. But come on, if you’re smart enough to come up with something that makes de-boning fish a snap, you’ve got to come up with a better name than that.

And whatever copywriter wrote this, thank god for you. I imagine it was someone who got the assignment to write this TV spot and thought “That’s the name? Really? This must be a joke.” Upon realizing he was, in fact, going to get paid to sell this modern day mousetrap, he decided to work in all the sexual innuendo he could.

“My wife would like one of those!”

I bet she would, skippy. I bet she would. I also imagine the client loved this, which would only spawn more laughter at the Wunder Boner’s expense back at the agency.

And double points for the red neck with the handlebar mustachio. Nice work.

They don’t get much better than this.

Detroit criminal defense lawyer James Howarth, described as a “veteran” of law, whatever that means, is very upset about a recent dispute with the IRS. Apparently, he received a letter from the Internal Revenue Service stating he owed them money and, if not paid promptly, would accumulate interest and/or penalties.

Yikes!  Bad news, unless what you owe is actually five cents! Yes, he owes them a nickel.

Now, for most of us, as ridiculous as the amount is, we’d just write a check, mail it out, and be done with it. I mean, after all, it’s a stupid nickel. Right? Not James!  He’s upset about it because:

As he figures it, there is the 5 cents plus the cost of a check — payment must be made by check or money order. Then there is his CPA’s fee, an envelope, his secretary’s time, his own time and a 42-cent stamp.

And, by his calculations, the costs are several hundred times over what he actually owes.

I don’t really even know what to say. First of all, I’m a bit shocked someone wrote an article about this, and second, PAY THE STUPID NICKEL AND QUIT BEING AN IDIOT!! It’s really, really simple. I have a feeling, being a veteran of the law, you’ve managed to save up some money, but if you really need help, I’ll give you the nickel, provide the envelope, and lick the stamp if you promise to quit wasting everyone’s time.

But don’t worry, folks.  Like a real Hollywood thriller, things take an interesting turn from here.

James actually received a second letter shortly after the first, presumably while he was sulking/mediating on the nickel fiasco, telling him there was an error and that he was supposed to receive a four cent refund, which he has to pick up himself. So clearly the IRS is either playing a joke, or is bored as well, but at any rate, again, this should be the point in time when most people, sane people, rip up the envelope and go about their lives. Who cares about four cents?

James does! His main argument:

“When I owe them a nickel, I must pay them,” he said. “It’s not optional. But when they owe me, I have to ask for it.”

Yes, that’s right. And I have a feeling if they owed you $1000, you wouldn’t be complaining. You’d be in your car at the IRS within the hour.  I’m sure you could argue the principle of the matter until you’re blue in the face, but you could do that about anything. I hate taking the trash out, but it needs to get done. A McDonald’s Fish-wich is disgusting, yet people order them during Lent all the time. They want you to pick up a nickel, so either go pick it up or forget about it. If your argument is how unfair this all is, I think you are wasting everyone’s time.

And, just to prove he has a sense of humor, or maybe he actually means it, who knows, James goes on to say:

“I might apply for a bailout […]”

Reading this article has made me realize two things: 1.) I would never hire this guy to be my attorney…EVER, and 2.) The IRS never quits, not even for chump change.

Check out the article here.

Ciao.

And, I think now’s a good time to bring up the fact that every time I stare into Renny Harlin’s mug, my soul cries out and shrivels up a bit…actually, quite a bit.

Damn you!

Anyway, assuming Mr. Harlin and his cronies stay away from me and MG for an extended period of time, regular posting should resume shortly.

Ciao.

This guy saved the fat from his liposuction patients and used it to power both his own SUV and his girlfriend’s Lincoln Navigator. The doctor himself had this to say:

“The vast majority of my patients request that I use their fat for fuel–and I have more fat than I can use,” Bittner wrote on lipodiesel.com. “Not only do they get to lose their love handles or chubby belly but they get to take part in saving the Earth.” Bittner’s lipodiesel Web site is no longer online.

Unfortuately, it’s illegal in California to use human waste to power vehicles. And I thought that state was supposed to be at the forefront of investment in alternative energy. They’re sitting on a goldmine. And worse, they’re trying to prosecute this guy for turning his patients’ fat into exhaust. Please. This guy is an entrepreneur. He should be on the covers of magazines. This is exactly the type of industrious, creative behavior that this country needs to encourage, not prohibit. It’s a win for everyone.

So, if you really care about renewable energy, do the world a favor: eat. Feel free to enjoy the fattiest foods around. Before long, people will be paying you to take your fat. Is this a great time to be alive or what?

Anyway, this little issue in Illinois has been covered to death. Blagojevich tried to sell a Senate seat, got caught and was arrested…blah blah blah. More interesting news has been released today that President-elect Obama’s Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel might have been somewhat involved. This doesn’t exactly bode well for the incoming president who, among many things, promised to change things in government. This doesn’t sound like change at all.

But I don’t really care if Emmanuel was involved either. The main problem here is Illinois state law that gives the governor the power to appoint a new Senator to a recently vacated seat. What do people think is going to happen? The incentive to use that power for personal gain is way too great. With that kind of power any politician is likely to entertain offers in exchange for his or her support. Maybe not every politician would act on that incentive, but I’m sure offers would be made.

Here’s a novel idea: let the people of Illinois elect a new Senator. They elected Obama and he left. Now they should be able to elect his replacement. I thought that was the whole point of representative democracy. I may be more cynical than the average American and I generally think most politicians are worthless human beings, but I still think we should be able to trust them not to abuse their power to some extent. But we probably shouldn’t allow them to appoint other politicians to what should be elected office. That’s just dumb.

Of course, as I’ve recently stated, I don’t really trust voting either. There are too many idiots out there exercising their right to elect lawmakers. So, in the spirit of pitting candidates against retired sitcom characters, I offer the following as possible Illinois electors. One of these groups of characters should be responsible for determining the most qualified candidate for public office out of the Land of Lincoln:

In my mind, the clear winner here is the Winslows. There are more of them. The candidates would really have to show what they’re made of in order to win that election. They’d have to beat Carl in shooting criminals, beat Laura in cheerleading, beat Eddie in whatever Eddie used to do, beat Mrs. Winslow in being sassy and beat Urkel in being annoying. Since they’re politicians, that last one is a freebie. Regardless, Larry and Balki are pushovers and the Bundys, well they’d just fight with each other rather than do their job of vetting the candidates. So, the Winslows it is. Know hope, Illinois. Know hope.

Recently, his wife Deborah went to a local supermarket to get a cake decorated for their three-year-old son’s birthday bash, only to be denied. Turns out, the supermarket employees thought what Mama Campbell wanted printed on the dessert was “inappropriate.’’Feeling he had been slighted , Heath went on the offensive:

“There’s a new president and he says it’s time for a change; well, then it’s time for a change…They need to accept a name. A name’s a name.”

Why all this hullabaloo, you ask?

He named his kid Adolph Hitler. Ugh…seriously. Again, Heath:

“I think people need to take their heads out of the cloud they’ve been in and start focusing on the future and not on the past…No one else in the world would have that name.”

Is that your argument? You named him Adolph Hitler Campbell because no one else would ever have that name?  And it’s hard to focus on the present when you’ve named your child after the most notorious criminal in human history. I mean…c’mon, idiot. Think a little bit!  Can you honestly say you didn’t think people would throw up a fuss (rightfully so) when you picked out that name?

If I think of the name Kyle, for instance, I think of a handful of kids I knew growing up, some good, some bad.   Even the name Adolph…that’s a fine name, in its own right, and very popular in certain parts of the world, if I’m to understand correctly. But Adolph Hitler conjures up just one man, and one man only.  There isn’t a spectrum of Adolph Hitlers you knew/know like the name Brian or Steve or Jimmy.  There is no confusing this name.

Heath claims all of his ancestors are from Germany, and that he was raised to properly appreciate his heritage. Fine. But I’m English and I’m not planning on naming my kid Reggie Kray or Ernst Stavro Blofeld.

And to prove he’s really not a racist, Heath invited some “mixed kids” (his words) to his son’s birthday party. He says:

“If we’re so racist, then why would I have them come into my home?”

That’s a good question…BECAUSE YOU’RE GOING TO TRAP THEM! GET OUT, KIDS!

But seriously, this guy is a moron of the highest caliber. On top of the excruciating cultural faux pas he and his wife committed, he went even further, naming his eldest daughter JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell, which is far superior to Katy IHateBlacks Campbell, their original choice.

Check out the story here.

Ciao.

(Feel free to click that beautiful piece of bracket to get a bigger version.)

Anyway, it’s really simple.  Each in a series of posts will detail a single round of head-to-head bouts featuring great sci-fi programming in a multitude of genres.  The genres/categories are:

Science & Time Travel
Aliens & Time Travel
Super Heroes & Time Travel
Miscellaneous

Now, while time travel may not be a series-long staple of every show present, these shows have been carefully selected because, at some point at least, they have dealt with this sci-fi twist in a wholly unique/refreshing/lame way that could not be ignored.

Who will be crowned best of the best and win the Multi-dimensional Championship? Stay tuned, and make sure to weigh-in with your comments below.

ROUND ONE: SWEET 16

SUPER HERO TIME TRAVEL BRACKET (Ryan)

Heroes v. Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman

I know, I know….”They’re real, and they’re spectacular!” But Terri Hatcher’s tits can’t save Lois and Clark in this battle-royal. Sure, Superman is the shit. But I have a few issues here. It was only a couple episodes that dealt with the subject of time travel. And while the episodes were “creative” by giving H.G. Wells a cameo appearance, they were sub-par at best. My main issue here is that Clarky-poo didn’t even use his own super powers to travel back in time (like when Superman reversed the rotation of the planet). He had to hitch a ride on H.G’s homemade time machine, and that is just lame.
Then we get to Heroes. And while the second season was absolutely terrible, Hiro (the time traveling hero) is single-handedly bringing back the luster. Hiro is the mild mannered time-traveling superhero that you can’t help but like. And unlike Clark, he doesn’t need H.G. to bring him back in time. He can bend time space.

That is sweet. Winner: Heroes

Smallville v. X-men: The Animated Series

Sorry young Clark, you lose too. The reason is pretty simple. I grew up watching X-men: The Animated Series every Saturday morning at 11 A.M. It was amazing. And when Cable, the time traveling mutant, started to make cameo appearances, I got wood. Watch your ass Apocalypse…you’re gonna get jacked! Now I have nothing against Smallville. There are a ton of hot little pseudo-celebrities with not much on. But that is about the extent of my interest. Tom Welling kinda sucks, and to see Superman as a forlorned teen is pretty eff-ing annoying. Seriously dude, you can fly. Stop crying and shut the f*ck up.

Winner: X-Men

ALIENS AND TIME TRAVEL BRACKET (Ryan)

Doctor Who v. Stargate SG-1
Doctor Who? Seriously, what/who is Doctor Who? After a little research I found that Doctor Who is a time traveling alien, the basis of an English TV series titled the same. Look, I have nothing against the English. Shit, I have an English Grandma and a family Castle in Scotland. But when it comes the genre of TV shows dealing with time travel, America has that market cornered. And when it comes to American TV shows dealing with aliens and time travel, Stargate SG-1 is the shit. Richard Dean Anderson. Need I say anymore? Well if I have to…SG-1 is a spin-off of the Stargate movie which was released in 1994. The premise of the show deals with worm-hole creating “star-gates” which bend space time to instantaneously propel you across the universe. And if this isn’t enough time travel for you, well there’s more. The show has had a number of sub-plots dealing with traveling to ancient Egypt. Long story short, SG-1 was revolutionary, and paved the way for other Sci-fi shows making it mainstream.

Winner: Stargate SG-1

The 4400 v. Star Trek

Jesus.  Really?

Winner: Star Trek

SCIENCE AND TIME TRAVEL (Rob)

Quantum Leap v. Sliders

QL is probably one of my favorite shows of all time. Sam Becket, a super-genius, gets stuck in his own time machine, hopelessly and helplessly leaping through time as he attempts to right the wrongs of history. Honestly, I can’t think of another show that seamlessly blends together time travel and adventure. This is the show that all other sci-fi shows should aspire to be.  Now, Sliders…I used to like this show, for a hot minute, until I realized it’s basically a Quantum Leap rip-off. Four people get stranded through a genius’ wormhole (see?), hopelessly and helplessly leaping through time (see?) - although they also pierce different dimensions as well. As far as time travel shows, it just wasn’t there for me. It’s a decent show, with a decent premise, and decent acting, but this is not a show that can withstand the onslaught of pressure and time. Decent effort, but just not quite there.

Winner: Quantum Leap

Seven Days v. The Adventures of Briscoe County Jr.

Yeah, so Seven Days blows, actually.  I saw maybe two episodes…maybe…and all I know is that there are some time travel elements, but they can only go back in time seven days (what?)…I mean…what kind of time travel show is this? I mean, the idea of time travel shows in general is that they always break the tenets of time travel — always rewriting — and while the science may not be plausible, (hopefully) the show is good enough to catch your attention and get you hooked. So…why not go all the way guys? Seven days? That’s like getting a big softy just when you need a…well…stiffy. Lame. Overall, The Adventures of Briscoe County Junior was a campy, fantastically fresh show. Only part of this show dealt with time travel (magic orbs or something), and while I can’t recall episodes in their entirety, I do think that they pulled out of the proverbial “honey pot” just a bit too soon. The whole concept for the show was tremendous, the acting talent was there, and hell…an Old West dramedy with magical elements? Unfortunately, they just couldn’t keep it together and I think the added sci-fi edge was just too much. Thus, the implosion of the series toward the end. However, it still blows Seven Days away.

Winner: Briscoe

MISCELLANEOUS (Rob)

Lost v. Land of the Lost

I can honestly say there hasn’t been a show that has handled the idea of time travel as elegantly as Lost, and there probably never will be. It upped the ante, to so speak, on how sci-fi can cross over to mainstream. I mean, watch this and tell me you aren’t moved!

Cry, robots, cry!

Yeah. I have nothing else to say. Desmond (really the island) is stuck in time, and he fights through all manner of trials and tribulations to get to his one true love. :swoon:

Plus I love Sawyer…shirtless.

Now, Land of the Lost is a different story. Both of these shows deal with “mysteries”, where Lost deals with, almost exclusively, what the island really is, and LotL deals with how this stupid family gets transported back in time to a weird, prehistoric age with talking apes and lizards. Actually, scratch that. LotL does NOT deal with how or why they traveled back…to the best of my knowledge. It was a campy show, entertaining at times, but truly overlooked the time travel element. The intro states, “[They] were on a routine expedition” then got swept up by some big earthquake, and “found themselves in the land of the lost.” I don’t know about you, but I’ve never adventured with my family, and I don’t plan on starting now. I find this premise to be weak, at best.

Winner: Lost

X-Files v. Simpsons

This will be short. I think Simpsons is highly overrated these days. I’ll watch it if it’s on, but I do not recall time travel in this show. It might have been present in one episode, but since the hundreds of episodes sort of bleed together in my head, as they should, lacking any originality these days, but I just can’t recall it. X-files wins by default.

Winner: X-Files

Next week: The ELITE 8 face off.

Let’s face it. In today’s conspiracy-laced, crime-sceney television milieu, shows like Lost and CSI: San Dimas (I wish!) reign supreme. Back in the day, in the television drama heyday (early-to-mid 1980s to mid 1990s), you could find dramas of every make and model from M*A*S*H*, Law and Order and MacGyver, to Love Boat and Magnum P.I.

Our panelists weigh in on two such quality shows, Quantum Leap and Pretender, deciding once and for all which of these two giants is deserving of the title of Greatest TV Drama of All Time.

Rob: See, this is hard for me. I grew up with Quantum Leap and, for most of my childhood/adolescence, there was nothing better than watching Sam Becket crisscross time and space, righting wrongs and trading quips with Al. That is until Jerod “The Pretender” came along and charmed himself right into my black soul. I mean…this guy was a real genius, doing real, practical things on a weekly, syndicated basis. He “pretended” himself in any role, always finding ways to…well, right wrongs…and did not rely on a quirky hand-held computer or a guy named Ziggy to figure out what to do next. True genius, my friends.

Matt: This is also difficult for me, but in another way. The choice is easy: Quantum Leap. The difficult part comes in when I need to justify it against Pretender. I think I watched one or two episodes of that show. I don’t remember anything about it. So, based on that, I can reasonably argue that it wasn’t good. If it was good, I would have watched it more. But Quantum Leap? That show was simply amazing. Not only did he have to get out of sticky situations, but he had to do so in the manner that whomever he had “leapt” into would do it. He had to become a completely different person and find a way to resolve an issue about which he rarely had prior knowledge. And all he wanted to do was return home. He kept waiting for the one leap that would take him back to his body in some lab in the early 90s. That’s got to be frustrating.

Rob: Frustrating? You want to talk about frustrating? Jerod “The Pretender” had an entire US government agency coming after him, always on his heels. I mean, the guy was abducted as a child, put into this specialty program, escaped as an adult, and all he wants is to see the world. To explore. And every time he starts out trying something new, phonying up some credentials so he can be an engineer in one episode, a pilot in another, for instance, it’s only a matter of time before the G-Men come a-knockin, spoiling his good time. At least Sam Becket could take his sweet time. Sure, he “misses home”, but what IS home, anyway? A true hero would do less complaining and more problem-solving.

Matt: Whoa whoa whoa! Sam Becket could take his sweet time? Is that supposed to be a joke? Did you even watch the show? How many episodes dealt with him having to save somebody’s life or even his own (that is, the person whose body he was inhabiting)? Since all of his leaps were to the past, many of these events had already happened. He couldn’t just stand around as another person, taking in the sights of whatever geographic location he happend to be living in at the time. He had to be on his toes, always on the lookout for what it was he had to do. Jerod never woke up to find himself in the middle of a Vietnam jungle fight. He never woke up as someone trying to help slaves escape the civil war-era South. Jerod may have had his troubles, but he knew where he was and who he was at all times and that counts for a lot when the heat is on. Sam had no such luxuries.

Rob: Luxuries? Ha, his entire life was a luxury. Trips to Vietnam, brushes with real historical figures? I mean, that sounds pretty grand to me. Pretty grand indeed. Anyway, let’s get back on track here: plausibility. I find myself believing in rogue government agencies and super serums over stuck-in-time story arcs any day of the week. I’m not saying I don’t like Quantum Leap, I’m just saying between these two shows, Pretender wins. Flat-out. Every time. I mean, he goes from pretending to be a bounty hunter to an EMS technician, even once admitting himself into a psychological asylum to remedy some issues he’s having. I mean, that’s an introspection that Same Becket doesn’t have.

I also hate Al’s suits. And their sexual tension is palpable:

Matt: I see you need to resort to cheap parlor tricks in order to make your argument. That video has nothing to do with the show. You could splice any show up, add some crappy music and make anyone believe it was never worth watching. That’s a low blow and I thought you had more integrity than that. I guess I was wrong. But the one thing I’m not wrong about is how great Quantum Leap is. Again, I wish I knew more about The Pretender so I could compare the two, but that will never happen. If the primary examples of Jerod’s skills are bounty hunting, EMSing and going insane, then I see no reason to ever watch this show. Give me Dog The Bounty Hunter, Rescue 911 and One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and I’ll call it a day. Jerod = loser.

Rob: I’m just at a loss here. An honest-to-goodness loss for words. Jerod, a loser? No. He’s the PRETENDER, Matt. He pretends himself in any situation, and then pretends himself right out of it. I know a lot of losers. I used to be one. There was no pretending on my part. In fact, I’m willing to go on a limb and say that pretending is the antithesis of slovenly behavior. Jerod is a certifiable genius. We all know it. Now, I’m not saying Sam Becket isn’t a genius, I’m just saying he’s less of a genius, and that, without the help of a generally smart-suited Al, he’d be nothing, stuck in the 1960s as a preggers civil rights activist or something. Yeah.

Matt: There seems to be a theme running through your arguments: Al’s suits. I think you may be onto something. First, you say you hate Al’s suits. Now you describe Al as “smart-suited.” I feel you may have just stumbled upon the paradox of late-eighties-early-nineties clothing. That era’s clothing was one-of-a-kind in simultaneously commanding respect and inspiring hatred in everyone that laid eyes on it. I mean, just take a look at this:

Rob: Well, we’re just going to have to agree to agree on that. Smart-yet-ugly suits aside, these are great television programs, and both are way better than Two and a Half Men. Blech.

“will prohibit the marketing, promotion, and advertising of a postseason game as a ‘national championship’ football game, unless it is the result of a playoff system. Violations of the prohibition will be treated as violations of the Federal Trade Commission Act as an unfair or deceptive act or practice.”

When will this stuff stop? Is Congress bored? Are Congressmen just completely that full of themselves and their power? I’m no constitutional scholar, but I’m pretty sure this would be one of the things that the framers had in mind when they wrote that

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people.

That’s the Tenth Amendment. And it appears to make very clear that Congress has no authority over designing a proper way in which to finish a college football season. Maybe the BCS is bogus. Maybe a playoff system would be better. But surely Congress has better things to do than to take control of college sports. They could start by finding out where all that money they authorized the Treasury to spend is going.

There are two big issues with this. One, who cares? I’m sure both of them would make terrible Senators. So why bother wasting all this time counting and recounting ballots? Let them both be Senator and force them to armwrestle every time they have to cast a vote. The winner of the armwrestling match gets to vote on legislation and the loser has to do the winner’s laundry. Problem solved.

The second issue is that this just sheds light (very bright light) on the major drawback of elections: allowing stupid people to participate in electoral democracy. Here is a rundown of the problems with some of the ballots:

They are sorting the ballots into five categories: those excluded because the voter’s name and address on the return envelope doesn’t match the one on the application; ballots with a fake voter’s signature; voter was not registered and eligible to vote in the precinct or has not included a properly completed voter registration application; voter already voted at the election, either in person or by absentee ballot. The fifth category has ballots were not rejected for the four legal reasons specified.

It takes a certain class of citizen to (a) not know their address; (b) fake their signature; (c) vote in the wrong precinct; (d) turn in an incomplete ballot; or (e) not remember that they already voted. It’s just a shame that people who fall into one of these categories are even allowed to vote. They clearly have no business choosing lawmakers.

The only alternative I can see is to discontinue voting altogether. We need to eliminate the chance that morons will have undue influence in the political arena. The only purpose voting serves is to reduce the threat of tyranny. A single person cannot gain power and then enact arcane laws that allow him or her to hold onto that power indefinitely. But I think there are much better ways to choose legislators than to have people head to the polls every couple years. And I think Minnesota is the perfect place to start.

I propose that both of these candidates compete in a series of skill tests against a panel of Minnesota’s finest:

First, Messrs. Franken and Coleman must display physical prowess by wrestling Dauber. Points go to the candidate that can pin the assistant coach the fastest. If Dauber wins both matches, he determines who fought harder. Second, the candidates must compete against Luther in a pie eating contest. Any Coach fan knows that Luther loves to eat. With so much on the line, the candidates must be willing to get dirty here. I want to see blueberry pie running down their faces. If Luther wins the contest, both candidates have to bake a pie and Luther will pick the winner of that contest. And finally, the two candidates must engage Coach Hayden Fox in a battle of wits. Coach Fox knew how to lead a college football team to victory. He led the Minnesota State Screaming Eagles to a 1993 national title when they defeated West Texas University in the Pioneer Bowl. That’s something not just any coach can accomplish. I think Franken and Coleman could learn a lot from Coach Fox. I suggest they start watching Coach on DVD to get a glimpse of what genius is. It’s going to take a lot to beat him.

And now that I think about it, I don’t think they can beat him. Coach Fox will run circles around these guys. He’d completely embarrass them. So, in the interest of maintaining whatever dignity these two candidates still have, I suggest the state cease all recount efforts immediately and select someone that all Minnesotans can agree on. It’s time to send Senator Coach Hayden Fox to Washington, DC.

If this post did not satisfy all your Coach-related needs, I highly recommend clicking the following links:

The Coach Blog

Brandon Bird’s Coach art

That being said, what’s stuck out the most to me so far is the way people dress. It’s incredible, actually. I work in a very, very relaxed environment, and most of the time no one says anything to anyone about the way they dress (some people wear shorts and flip-flips, although they probably shouldn’t). The official stance of my company is that we’re “business casual” Monday through Thursday, with Friday being even more casual with the allowance of jeans to be worn. It goes even further, with each team Manager able to choose the dress code for their immediate staff — depending solely on their preference.

With tha tin mind, one thing I’ve been noticing is the type and style of outfits being worn on a Monday as opposed to a Thursday or even Friday. While technically, I guess it makes sense to have people wearing more formal attire at the beginning of the week when, I would assume, more meeting and whatnot are scheduled, people can come into the building any day of the week. And yes, The Man allows its employees to dress more casually later in the week, I’m assuming mostly to improve morale and whatnot, so I understand there inevitably will be a disparity in the styles worn.

But it’s funny. When I first started, on a Monday no less, everyone was looking so nice, had makeup on, etc., and by the end of my first week, the same classy people looked like denizens of the local dumpster squad. Seriously. It was a radical transformation throughout the course of the week, one that took me by surprise. And I’m willing to bet it’s not just my company. People try their hardest on a Monday, and by Friday, they are so burned out and seeping with just pure loathing for everything work-related, they could give a crap what they’ve put on to come to work.

Thus, I thought I’d chart the evolution of work clothes throughout the week.

Monday

The most professional of all days. Myself, I generally wear a pair of dress pants, a dress shirt, and sometimes a tie. I hardly wear a suit jacket, but I generally pull a nice ensemble together. Sometimes I wear a dress shirt, sweater, and dress pants, but you get the idea. Around the office, women wear anything from nice sweaters and slacks, to long skirts and blouses with sport coats. All-in-all, a nice day for professional wear.

Tuesday

Things get a bit more casual. Not too much, but there is a noticeable difference. I generally still wear dress pants, usually with a tucked-in polo-type shirt, maybe a sweater with a tee-shirt underneath and dress pants. Something along those lines. The women at work have a tendency to still wear skirts and/or dress pants, but now pair them up with less-dressy tops. Still a very acceptable business climate.

Wednesday

There’s a definite jump in style from Tuesday to Wednesday. While most jobs ask that jeans be worn solely on Fridays, technically, we can get away with it most days. However, most people don’t start dusting off the Levis until Wednesday. Personally, I pair mine with a shirt and tie, sweater, or sports coat, just to keep things GQ on my end. Women, again ones I work with, have a tendency to stick to similar principles, wearing their denim with a sport coat or nice blouse or something. I think in this capacity, jeans work very well. Overall, people are still a big cognizant of their clothing choices, but are beginning to get a bit more relaxed.

Thursday

You see an even bigger jump from Wednesday to Thursday in the quality of clothes worn. This is the day when I usually wear a nice sweater with my jeans, start wearing my Converse, or maybe even keep my boots on all day. Women wear jeans, a more casual skirt or dress, sweaters, a non-dressy button-down, casual boots/sneakers, etc. You can definitely tell that people are beginning to care less and less what they’re wearing.

Which leads us to…

Friday

…yikes…

By far the biggest change of fashion/style throughout the week. People have lost all interest in putting a suitable work ensemble together and generally look like idiot slobs. Seriously, I’ve counted at least three people who wear basketball shorts and sandals, numerous individuals who wear inappropriate concert tees or low-cut tank tops, jeans with holes in the rear, hair undone, makeup removed, and, as the picture shows, the boxers/girdle outfit seems to be a popular Friday choice as well.

Ciao.

Matt and I were talking the other day, and he brought up the issue of truck commercials. The conversation went something like this:

“What about them?” I inquired.
“Ever notice how they’re nothing but guys in the desert, and the trucks seem to be doing impossible tasks?” he retorted.
“Yeah…but…yeah, you’re right.”
“Weird, huh?”

And you know, it is weird. Truck commercials (car commercials in general, really) are an oddity. I mean it. I see them daily, as I’m sure we all do, but I don’t actually pay attention to them most of the time. So I sat down after we talked and really watched a few of them and man…who are the ad execs pandering to?

Matt had it right: almost every single one has something to do with hard-working men, sweat, sleeveless tee-shirts, and the desert (or similar barren landscape, presumably where all this manly activity is taking place). Now, I understand that trucks were invented to haul things with. They are used the world over for construction purposes, as well as for other manual labor tasks, but I can promise you, if surveyed, you would see that the majority of the general public buying/using trucks are suburbanites who use them to schlep around their kids.

And I’m really not joking about truck commercials sticking to a specific formula. See for yourself:

Toyota Tundra

Locations: Construction site, desert, warehouse, cornfield
Characters: Construction workers, miscellaneous laborers

Nissan Titan

Locations: Desert
Characters: None

Chevrolet Silverado

Location: Desert/Mountains
Characters: Miscellaneous power-grid laborers/engineers

Dodge Ram

Loctation: Desert/Mountains
Characters: Cowboys (WTF?), military personnel, contractors, firemen

Apparently, where the real action is, is in the desert. Thus, I imagine conversations like this are the norm, according to this stereotype:

“Gotta get that powerline fixed, boys! Go get yer trucks!”
“Gotta haul that slab of conceret, fellas! Get yer trucks in gear!”
“Hey, pals, we really gotta move this dead cow! Truck time!”

That’s what these commercials are saying, I guess. No wonder the American auto industry’s in the crapper.

Ciao.

So drink up and be merry!

Well, it just so happens that I had to attend a “Facilitated Conversation on Race and Ethnicity” at work today. I wish I could say it was anything similar to the above clip. But, alas, it was not. Rather, we had to watch short video clips of people interracting at work and then discuss, in small groups, whether we thought race had anything to do with the situation and, if so, what could be done about it. I want to provide an example of one of the clips we watched, but unfortunately, they aren’t available on the internet. So, here is what happened:

Scene: Four people sitting in a conference room discussing their current work

Characters: 1 black man, 1 black woman, 1 Asian man, 1 white man

And…action!

Black Man: Great job everyone. I think this project really turned out well. (more standard office talk.)

All: Mmmhmmm.

Black Woman: I don’t know about you all, but I could use time away from this conference room. How about we go grab some lunch?

Black Man: Sounds good.

Asian Man: Yes, very nice.

White Man: Um…you guys go ahead. I need to get to the bank by 1.

Everyone gives him a look. Fade out.

What?! We had to watch four videos of stuff like this. Granted, this one was the most ridiculous, but the others weren’t much better. And here’s what I learned from these videos:

1. Race could play a role in any situation that involves people of two or more races.
2. Sometimes people just have to go to the bank.
3. Working in an office blows.

I already knew all three of those things before the session started. So I learned nothing new and wasted my morning.  Yay, diversity!

This week’s topic: WINDY CITY MASS TRANSIT vs. ROCK CITY GRIDLOCK

OPENING STATEMENTS

Jeff: Two years ago I sojourned to the White City in search of an economy that couldn’t be held hostage by a group of overweight, middle aged men who think on-the-clock drunken high-lo racing is the sport of kings. My first experience with this wonderful city was in her underbelly, riding the subways and the “el”. My only experience with mass-transit before was on systems in second rate cities, places like London, Paris and Berlin. Let me tell you, Chicago puts every other city on the face of the earth to shame. To shame, I say!

Rob: Being a world-traveler myself, I’ve experienced mass transit in quite a few metropolises. And since Detroit has no mass transit whatsoever, save the People Mover (blech), I’m here to say we don’t need it.  Having lived with and without it…well, you can keep your stupid, dependable modes of transport!  You hear me, world!  We’re better off without it!  Give me a gas-guzzling, environment polluting automobile any day of the week.  Trolleys and trams, subways and buses - blech!  After all, we’re all out to take care of ourselves anyway, right?

ONBOARD BATHROOMS

Jeff: Gotta go? Go in your pants! In Chicago, it’s socially acceptable to crap your pants on the train, as evidenced by the toothless grin and earthy fragrance that greeted me when I stepped on my very first rail car. Finally, a place where we can be unencumbered by an unnecessary, time consuming trip to the porcelain throne.

Rob: The People Mover, a two-car elevated train that goes in a quarter-mile loop, has no bathrooms. It’s dangerous and smelly and I’m assuming bums piss all they want in there with no repercussions. I can rightfully assume, as in Chicago, there are no agents of the law making rounds to remedy this self-defecating situation, so I guess this one’s a tie.  Now, the beauty of “taking care of business” in the privacy of your own car?  No one else cares!  If you can put up with it, what else do you need.  Besides, the beauty of driving your own car means you can pull off on the shoulder to do your thing any time you want!  No longer will you feel embarrassed for pulling the cord and getting off five stops early to the chagrin of those commuters you see every day.  They know you have to go.  They just know it.

WORLD-CLASS EFFICIENCY

Jeff: Other cities give you seats, ample standing room and enough trains to lessen the crush a hundred thousand people trying to get through the same five foot wide door. Not Chicago. Space is maximized by encouraging everyone to shove in until the very act of breathing may cause the car to explode. Bonus! You can have guilt-free sex with 6 people on the way to work. Informing them of what you did is optional.

Rob: Well, efficiency has many different meanings, my friend.  Detroit has miles and miles of highway, so even though you may be late for that super urgent appointment, or you’ve completely abandoned all hope you’ll get off of I-75 before you die, at least, when you’re in your own car and stuck in traffic (which you will be, guaranteed), it seems like you’re surrounded by so many friends, each in the very same predicament you are! Efficiency of the heart, my friends.

ALWAYS ON SCHEDULE

Jeff: A Chicago bus or train is never late or early, it arrives exactly when it means too. And sometimes, 4 or 5 buses come bunched up together. The full ones stop, the empty ones skip by you so the driver can take an extra five-minute break hitting on the 200-pound honey selling deep-dish sausage pizza on Wacker. With these kinds of choices, I quickly fell under the “Lady by the Lake’s” spell.

Rob: Well, here in Motown, we do away with schedules altogether! I mean, hell, there could be a strike at any minute from any number of unions impeding your journey, and wait long enough, chances are your job will become obsolete and you won’t even have to drive anywhere! It’s like the best kind of vacation, the kind that doesn’t end!

PEOPLE LOOK OUT FOR EACH OTHER

Jeff: Whether you’re 95, you’re 8 months pregnant, you’re trying to get your 5 kids down to the soup kitchen so you can eat, or even on crutches - rest assured no one will get up to give you a seat. What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. And Chicago is not a city for the weak. Tough it out, or we will feast on your flesh.

Seriously, Chicagoans will eat you.

Rob: Imagine you’re at any number of fantastic clubs in downtown Detroit. It’s Friday, everyone’s bumping and grinding, and someone pulls out a gun, starts laying waste to the bodies on the floor. Then, out of pure kindness, someone is fantastic enough to start shouting “Gun! Gun! Get the f&$% out of the way! He’s got a gun!” alerting you to the situation at hand because you’ve been otherwise preoccupied with an exceptional “Detroit Hunny.” Then, the bandit leaves the club, he’s fled on one of the cities dozens of buses, the excitement’s died down, and the club starts hopping again. I mean, that kind of entertainment…you’d pay through the roof for that most places. All thanks to transportation.

CONCLUSION

In the battle of transportation, who wins? Only you, dear reader, can decide. Cast your vote in the comments or perish.

To begin, I think we can all agree that a lot is riding on the judgment of jurors. They decide if someone is guilty or innocent of a crime. That is some very serious stuff. So if I was ever on trial, I would want a jury comprised of people who are intelligent, logical and ready to pay very close attention to the facts presented during the case. But are juries typically made up of people like this?

First, who is intelligent, logical and attentive? That can be hard to determine, but a good signal of such a person is a college degree. According to the most recent census data, 24.7% of Michigan citizens have a bachelor’s degree or higher. I understand that there are intelligent, logical and attentive people without degrees. But chances are that college-educated people are more intelligent, etc. than others. With only 24.7% of possible jurors having a college degree, the ideal pool has already contracted.

So, let’s say a pool of jurors is chosen and 24.7% of them have college degrees. Chances are that those graduates are going to have better paying jobs that they don’t wish to leave for jury duty. Jurors in Michigan receive $25 for the first day of service and $40 for every subsequent day. People with jobs earn much more than this and, on average, people with college degrees earn much much more. Since Michigan employers are not required by law to pay employees who serve on juries, people earning much much more than $40/day have more of an incentive to get out of jury duty. Therefore, the people most likely to try to get out of serving on a jury are the 24.7% of citizens with college degrees. So, let’s assume 1/3 of those with degrees avoid jury duty. That limits the potential pool of college-educated jurors to 16%. That means, that on average, with random jury selection, about 2 out of every 12 sitting jurors will have a college degree. Who makes up the rest of the jury?

(more…)

I’m pissed.

How culturally insignificant are Archie comics nowadays? Seriously, they are worthless and nothing about them ever was or ever will be funny. You see that cover? Just…dumb.

And thinking about how stupid Jughead’s hat is and how super-lame the jokes are got me thinking about other comics, especially newspaper comic strips. Why are they still around? We’re becoming an increasingly paperless society and while at one point each of those comics had troves of readers, I can only imagine readership of Prince Valiant in somewhere in the low teens, if that.

Now, I fervently believe that paper newspapers, no matter how few readers present, will exist in some fashion forever. There will always be a need for someone to pick up a paper on the street. But this still begs the question, how are these “artists” still making these comics? Seriously, they are not relevant. At all. Ever. At one time in history I can see the appeal of following the exploits of some hodgepodge assortment of zany characters, of a continuing and epic story that drew you in on a weekly basis. But these days? I can’t even tell you the last time I was excited to read the comics page. And the last time I did, I’m sure I tore up the pages in a fit of rage.

Don’t believe me on how far-removed from reality some of these strips are? Here’s a few of the “best”:*

1.) Cathy

Wow. Why would I want to read about a miserable, frumpy thirtysomething who can’t seem to find love, hates her job, and has an apparent obsession with chocolate. I do not see the merit in this strip nor can I find any reason that it should have ever existed. Ever.

2.) Tank McNamara

I just…I don’t even get this. Do you? I mean, I guess Tank is supposed to be a “witty” sportscaster, but…really? This is what you got? Nothing about this is good/funny/enjoyable. I want the sour taste that washed up my throat after reading this to depart. Now, please.

3.) Doonesbury

Now, anyone who knows me should know by now the disdain I have for this strip. While not my most hated comic strip, it definitely ranks high. It’s supposed to be political and savvy, and Slate.com is apparently a big fan, but I just don’t like it. Not even sure why. Maybe it’s the fact that all of the characters’ noses resemble erections, or maybe it’s just the bad, unapologetic writing. I’m not sure.

4.) Hagar the Horrible

I used to love Hagar when I was a kid. And, thinking about it now, I’m not exactly sure why. He’s a drunk, a poor excuse for a soldier, and seems to be abusive to his wife on most occasions. In fact, in the realm of insignificance, I would have to say this ranks near the top. A Viking? I mean, who cares, right? What’s he done lately? Oh, that’s right, the same thing. He goes to visit that stupid cloaked wizard, he gets drunk, he sometimes pillages and rides his stupid boat, and he, at all times, annoys me.

5.) Mary Worth

Really? This is what you have to offer, Mary Worth? I mean, she’s old, the comics aren’t funny by any stretch of the imagination and…I dunno. If I wanted to get lectured, I’d call home. I don’t need some stupid 2D granny giving me a guilt trip about planting trees. In fact, I hate all “realistic” comic strips like this. God. Is there anything good about this one…at all?

6.) Family Circus

Haha! S-T-U-P-I-D!

This one tops my list on all accounts. I hate this comic almost more than I hate elderly drivers. I truly cannot understand who would like this comic and why it was ever, ever picked up. How is this guy talented? How is he an artist? Does he really think he’s better than me? I mean…seriously, this is the worst. I can hardly think of anything worse than reading this comic.

See what I mean, though? These are just a small fraction of the comics existing that need to be wiped from the planet ASAP. They just do not make sense and I hate them.

Thoughts?

Ciao.

*I do not claim to own the rights to any of these strips, nor would I…ever.

This year, as Halloween approached, I was racking my brain again, trying to summon an acceptable collection of items in which to clothe myself for the big day. In earlier years, I had considered the possibility of scavenging at a thrift or second-hand store to find inspiration. In 2002, in fact, this is exactly what I did. I was able to procure some tight blue polyester disco-looking pants, an African-patterned tunic-type shirt, and a big afro from a second-hand store with a great selection of these items. I also found a really awesome big and shiny pair of sunglasses. I did all this after being persuaded to check out the place by a friend of mine who worked there, come to think of it, probably because I was stuck with the same costume block that I’ve had in subsequent years.

So without conjuring any plan for a full costume in an appropriate time frame, I reminded myself of the success I had that year. Concurrently, my brain noted the existence of discount second-hand stores around my neighborhood, most especially the Salvation Army thrift store on Manhattan Avenue just an 8-10 minute walk from the crib. I took a trip there on the Wednesday of the upcoming Halloween weekend. When I arrived, I considered the advantages of selecting one’s costume at this type of establishment: there are endless combinations of items, allowing you to create your own or emulate a theme you have seen; there are countless possibilities in pants, shirts, jackets, hats, shoes and more; and the stuff is as cheap as it gets. You might have to screen a few of the things you want for suspect smells or stains, but it’s a negligible drawback in the whole scheme of things. As with any reputable garment vendor, there are available mirrors, albeit hidden away and not in a dressing room, so trying on pants is out of the question unless you are quite immodest. However, this is another minor problem, as the adventure involved with selecting one’s items is half the fun in the process of creating the ensemble.

The first rack I looked upon closely during this trip was men’s coats, as in dinner jackets, blazers, sports coats, and what-have-yous. I concluded they had a fine untapped selection at this establishment as I thumbed through a number of jackets colorful and plain, corduroy and linen, patterned and solid, 60’s-accented and 70’s-accented - you get the picture. I began to formulate an idea in my head as I was successfully trying on a minimalist brown corduroy sport coat. I hopped over to an adjacent aisle, found a ragtag basket of assorted hats and picked through a few of them until I found a lightweight, small-brimmed women’s sun hat. I tried it on in front of the mirror, and felt things were coming together. As I turned around on my way to examine the pants, I had barely finished rotating before I was confronted with a rather extensive collection of white and off-white tropical-weight slacks. I was undeterred that this was the women’s pants rack, as I absolutely convinced myself that I could withstand any minor complications a pair presented since I thought they would be the right choice. I settled on a 3/4-length pair in a size made for a big girl, but which were equipped with a handy drawstring. On a lark, I went back to the hat basket, and dug further. I found exactly what my outfit beckoned: a wide-brimmed, heavy cotton sailor’s hat with an adjustable cord.

I was proud of the job I had done. As if to approve of my efforts, I received a cosmic sign in the form of being informed at the register that all items in the store were 50% off that day. My total was a mere eight dollars, give or take a few cents. Though I considered going shirtless, I borrowed a ribbed sleeveless tank top from Linda to complete my appearance once I returned home.

I urge everyone to consider patronizing the nearest thrift store when confronted with this dilemma for Halloween. I know I will end up there many more times in the future.

My Halloween costume:

I suggest putting this song on:

a.) When you have a date over at your place
b.) When you’re hosting a dinner party, to get things “interesting”
c.) When you’re all alone and feeling sad/happy/content/bashful/intrigued/bi-curious/etc.
d.) Basically whenever you find yourself in need of a dollop of Jesse-love
e.) Every moment of every day

Enjoy:

Ciao.

We are also (well, I am, at least) a big fan of John Hodgman, the guy from the Daily Show and from those Mac vs. PC commercials. His humor is incredibly absurdest, and I just think he’s flat-out hilarious.

Well, I never thought I’d see these two topics converge, but they have. Oh, my friends, they have.

I present: SPAMasterpiece Theater (courtesy of BoingBoing.net)

Enjoy.

Ciao.

There is a new application that is taking the iPhone community by storm. It’s called “Ocarina” and it is being touted as the first true instrument created for the iPhone. It is sensitive to your breath, movement and of course, touch. If you are one of the millions of people who played the Legend of Zelda for Nintendo as a kid and wished you too could play the fantastical instrument that gave us their incredible music, look no further. You’re dream has been fulfilled with Ocarina.

Now you can play the theme song from Zelda for all your friends while they laugh at you for being such a nerd. Who wants to play classic 80’s game theme’s on a recorder when you can play 80’s washed up rock songs on a plastic guitar.

The Ocarina is also good for those of us who have a deep rooted passion for music, but were never quite able to (::ahem::) get a hang of the electric guitar, the drums, keyboards, the bass…well, you get where I’m going with this. I don’t really have to explain the joke do I? I know this is Midwestern Gothic and no one is going to read this anyways, so Matt and Rob, you guys get it right? Jeff? No, well I think that stems back from not learning you’re multiplication tables till 11th grade.

Ok, moving on. So you can’t fulfill your dream of rock stardom the usual way yet you fantasize of being a part of a great classic rock song. Again, you’re dream has come true, thanks to Ocarina. Now you too can play the flute/recorder part on Stairway to Heaven and no one will remember your name like we never cared about the people who recorded the flute/recorder part on the original. The only difference between them and you is that they were paid by Led Zeppelin to play and you paid iTunes to play.

Kisses <3

Jesse’s sort of a big deal in the music scene (seriously, he’s very accomplished), and thus, will be our go-to guy for all things music (and, well, by default, all around arts guru). So, give the man a moment of silence to welcome him to his new home. Wait…is a moment of silence for death? I swear he’s alive. Promise.Check out his non MG website here.

And look, here’s a YouTube video of him!

::swoon::

Ciao.

First off, the government is already trying to censor the Internet by mandating the use of content filters. I know the country is kind of close to China, but it shouldn’t be adopting that country’s practices. And now, for some reason, Aussies are taking World Toilet Day quite seriously. First of all, what is World Toilet Day? Well, at first I thought it was another pointless celebration concocted by a bunch of crazies. You know, like Earth Day. But then I thought about it some more and realized that, as far as designating days for certain topics, the toilet is a pretty good choice. I mean, we all spend time with toilets and some toilets are better than others. So any advancement in toilets should be welcomed by, well, everybody.

But the Aussies are celebrating “dry” toilets that, instead of flushing, separate urine from other wastes that can be used as fertilizer. Now, I’m fully behind anyone that can develop some sort of process to cut waste or reuse the previously thought unreusable. But I’m drawing the line at adopting this new toilet if it means I have to personally store or transport what used to be my lunch anywhere. And if these things start popping up all over Australia, well I just might have to avoid that too.

So, Australia, if you’re listening, stay smart on this one. If you can create this wonder toilet without imposing new fecal responsibilities upon me, we can stay friends. And isn’t that what we want most of all?

“widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth’s inhabitants.”…“fearsome floods … horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes.”

And while we at MG wished him the best of luck with his lawsuit, we pretty much chalked that whole mess up to a glaring case of undiagnosed retardation. So you can imagine my joy/frustration/malaise when I read about this Indiana woman who is suing the BMV over not being able renew her religious-themed license plate.

The woman, who had a license plate for 9 years that read ‘BE GODS’, was late this past year in renewing it and was denied when she did. Why? Because of a recent policy adopted this year.

Says BMV spokesman Dennis Rosebrough:

“We do not permit personalized license plates with references to deity.”

Fair enough. But let’s back up. What does ‘BE GODS’ mean, anyway? According to the plate-bearer:

“I associate it with the Bible verse Romans 14:7, 8 [….] No one belongs to himself. If we live, we live onto the Lord. If we die, we die unto the Lord. So whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.”

Hmm, not really drawing a comparison there. When I first read it, I thought she was preaching some new age pagan-esque religion, where the sole tenet is to literally be a god. I got excited, momentarily, and called dibs on Zeus, Lord of Thunder, even though Nick has a huge man-crush on him.

Anyway, the worst part about this is that the BMV took back their ruling and told the woman that she could get the plate after all. Did she retract the lawsuit?

Heavens no. It’s still in full-force.

Ciao.

Well, this picture’s a bit generous. Give them each twenty extra pounds, some weird facial growths, and more split ends than a Halloween wig, and you get the gist. Oh, and here’s another winner:

And thinking about it, this isn’t the first time we’ve seen howling mad vampire/otherworldly creatures fans. Remember the classic 80s film Lost Boys?

I mean, that guy HAS to be a vampire. And look at all the groupies in love with his sax abilities. Crazy.

But seriously, all this nonsense about Twilight has got me thinking about a genre of movies that have invaded pop culture for years: vampires vs. werewolves.

I mean, look at the Underworld series. Supposedly the two species have it out for one another, nonstop, and have been at war for hundreds of years. But why?

Let’s look at them on evolutionary terms. Both species were created with “viruses” of some kind, passed on in both cases by blood (specifically by being bitten). In theory, these are probably the two strongest creatures on the planet. Why, then, would they battle one another? They both feast on us gristly humans, so why not team up to take us down, or even mate to create the ultimate, unstoppable badass?

About the only movie I can even think about that has a vampire and werewolf working together is Monster Squad:

There is a vampire somewhere in the film, I swear, and briefly these two classic monsters work together before they’re destroyed by pre-teens.

And that’s another thing: monsters in movies are entirely too vulnerable. They’re always having garlic shoved down their throats and being shot by silver bullets. I mean, bullets? Who dies by bullets?

Alright, back on track. My point is this: you don’t see lions roaming around, trying to find tigers and killing them. You don’t see hamsters bludgeoning gerbils, or ferrets going after gorillas. Just doesn’t happen. And while werewolves and vamps are humans in alternate forms, they do have heightened animal-like instincts, and I’d like to believe that if they did actually exist, they would work together to systematically wipe humanity from the planet, or at the very least harvest us for delicious steaks.

I guess I just want to see a real film about these guys. No love. No glory. Just a buddy-comedy-type film involving the exploits of a werewolf nicknamed Blue Moona and his best buddy, a vampire named Charles Sanderson, who prey on stupid, weak humans while getting into hilarious and often predictable situations. I mean, this could be a whole series of films ala Lethal Weapon. You could even call it Blue Moon. Then the sequel could be called Blue Moon 2: Blue Moon Rising. And then there’d be Blue Moon 3: Trouble in Paradise. And the list goes on, folks!

So, back to Twilight. Don’t really understand the appeal. It too has vampires battling werewolves, with a stupid, stupid love story at the center of it. And what is the deal with these tween girls thinking it’s sexy to date a vampire? He wants your blood, stupid. Not your love. Never your love.

Never.

Think about it.

Ciao.

Anyway, via the endless connection of tubes that make up the internet, I came across a description, a recipe and a picture of red beet ice cream. Some of you may be like, “What the hell?” But n