Think about the economy, the war, health care, and the gap between upper and lower class America. Could any be worse than they are today?

You can vote for someone very similar to our current president, or you can choose someone completely different. Details aside, I’m ready to take a chance and see what happens. I have no idea if Obama is qualified to be president or not, but neither is our current president, and he was elected twice.

In a perfect world, it could feed the worlds’ hungry. It could clothe the homeless. Cure diseases. Compensate Steve Carell for all those laughs.

It the United Arab Emirates, your hard earned cash doesn’t just buy gold palaces.  It buys indoor ski resorts!

Welcome to Ski Dubai. With it’s 6000 tons of artificial snow, you can ski in the desert. Where else in the world can you hop off your camel, leave your turban at the door, and toboggan down the icy slopes!

In 2008, Dubai will open it’s second indoor ski resort, the Dubai Sunny Mountain Ski Dome. It will feature a revolving ski slope, an artificial mountain range, an ice bridge, a cable lift, a snow maze, an ice slide, polar bears cold water-aquaria and special sound and light effects.

In the United States, we get tax breaks to purchase alternative fuel vehicles. The Middle East will pay double if you don’t live Green.

The Patriots could go 19-0. This feat would silence the damnable ‘72 Dolphins forever. No more clips of Mercury Morris and Don Shula drinking champagne when the last undefeated team loses. I wasn’t alive, but by all accounts the ‘72 Dolphins weren’t even that good. I wanted to see history in the making.

The Giants were the underdogs. I always lean toward the underdog. Eli Manning is a country bumpkin, brother of last year’s Superbowl MVP Peyton Manning. Who doesn’t like that story? Last year, Tiki Barber retired from the Giants. On his way out, he managed to belittle Eli Manning and criticize his former coach Tom Coughlin. This year they made it to the Superbowl without him. Now the entire world knows Tiki Barber isn’t as important as he thinks he is.

My heart was with the hapless Giants. The Patriots have two faces, Bill Belichick and Tom Brady. Bill Belichick is a cheater and a douche bag. The NFL found him guilty of cheating and penalized he and the team extensively. He’s a douche bag because he gives former assistants the cold shoulder for taking head coaching jobs, and because he runs off the field with 00:01 left on the clock, ruining the Giants’ victory celebration.

Tom Brady is becoming the Paris Hilton of the National Football League. He’s a model, he dates beautiful woman, and he’s the only athlete with his own paparazzi. He’s a product of the University of Michigan, and we know how I feel about that. Tom Brady has everything, does he really need a fourth Superbowl ring?

So there I was, rooting for the New York Giants. They were up by 3 points in the fourth quarter. Tom Brady executed his usual game winning heroics, and scored the go-ahead touchdown with less than 2 minutes to play.

I didn’t think the Giants had a chance, but I was wrong. Eli Manning marched his team down the field, he stayed up when he should have fallen down, and he made the clutch throws. And with 30 seconds left, he threw a beautiful game winning touchdown pass to Michigan State alumnus Plaxico Burress, and all was right in the world.

 

Nick: Jeff, hold my coffee while I go to the bathroom.

Jeff: Just take it in with you.

Nick: Seriously, I’m not getting poop particles in my coffee.

The weather was nasty, visibility was low, and the roads were icy. On my right, a car had lost control. Its front bumper was hugging a tree like a hippie on spring break. But I drove on. 

A few miles down the road, I start to think, “Why didn’t I stop to help?” Someone was in the car, the headlights were still on, and no emergency response had arrived on scene. The driver could have been hurt, could have been lacking a cell phone… 

Again, why didn’t I stop? I was a boy scout. This is what I’m trained to do. If I’d helped, my girl would call me her hero. I’d feel good about myself. Instead, I was one of a million that drove by, figuring someone else would be the Good Samaritan. 

Back to my walk from work. An old man pulls up beside me, and asks if I want a ride. Perplexed, my mouth opens to decline. I’m questioning his motive. 

Is this karma exacting its revenge? Does this old man want me to get in his car, and touch his genitals? Or worse, ask if he can touch mine? 

Or are his intentions true? Is he demonstrating how a good person should act? The person who helps a person in need. 

We’ll never know, my car was ten feet away and I declined his invitation. Then I got pulled over on the way home. Bad karma? But I only received a warning. Good karma?

In all non-secular fairness, shouldn’t we call Christmas “t-Mas”?  Get it, a cross?

To all of you efficient, lazy scribes, I say quit penning “X-Mas” on your cards, gifts, and holiday ramblings.  Stop taking Christ out of everything holy.

America, Fuck Yeah!  

Your bumper sticker implies superior intelligence. People with bumber stickers are dumb. Hmm…

Do you think Stephen Hawking sports this bumper sticker? No. Intelligent people don’t call others dumb to feel superior. They enjoy the comfort of knowing they’re smarter.

When you display this bumper sticker, what are you trying to prove? The only chuckles you’ll get are from fellow stupid people. 

Scene: Three cars on road, in general vicinity of each other. First, Nick in Mazda, wearing business casual attire and drinking Starbucks. Second, 40-year old single mother of four, wittily sporting “I See Dumb People” bumper sticker on her ‘92 Cutlas. Third, 28-year old hick in his ‘80 Dodge Ram pick-up truck.

Cutlas: Look at that dude in his Mazda drinking designer coffee. He’s dumb.

Ram: Huh huh, “I See Dumb People”. That fruit in the Mazda is dumb, he ain’t got no gun rack or nuthin’.

Mazda: Christ, get me out of Jackson, Michigan.

In my opinion, you might as well rock the “I’m Dumb and I Think This Bumper Sticker Is Funny” bumper sticker.

Rock stars, like Amy Winehouse become popular by singing, ‘I ain’t going to rehab,’ even though she badly needed and eventually sought treatment. (Antonio Maria Costa – U.N. Drug and Crime Office)

You heard it here first, folks. Amy Winehouse is the first artist to sing about and do drugs. Somehow Kurt Cobain and Ozzy Osbourne defied scrutiny. And if these accusations weren’t enough, Costa further explained: 

…that it threatened the “complete collapse” of some impoverished West African nations, where certain governments were now vulnerable to the damaging influence of drug money. 

I’m a college educated, clear-headed logistician. I know you solve problems by defining root causes. 

1. Amy Winehouse buys cocaine from drug dealer.

2. Drug dealer buys large quantities from drug distributor.

3. Drug distributor buys mass quantities from drug smuggler.

4. Drug smuggler buys from supplier in Third World country.

5. Third World country and importing country fail to stop this transaction. 

If Third World countries are damaged by drug money, they can start by policing themselves. Stop drug trafficking. Amy Winehouse is an individual with an addiction. To hold her responsible is assinine. As an organization which exists to police the world, I would say it’s your job.

Besides, I would hardly accuse Amy Winehouse of glamorizing the use of drugs.  Do you find this glamorous?

a secular movement against Nativity scenes, Christmas trees and even the greeting “Merry Christmas.” 

Through his guidance, the “Friend or Foe Christmas Campaign” would encourage right wing lawyers to sue the website, and readers to boycott. How dare we remove the word Christmas from our holiday merriment? Isn’t that our choice, to appeal to the masses? 

I say you’re full of shit Mr. Falwell, and you can’t defend yourself because you’re dead. If anyone thinks I’m being harsh, read about his life and times.

What exactly is wrong with Lowes calling a Christmas tree a holiday tree? What is wrong with Target displaying a sign that states Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas? Businesses don’t exist to spread religious ideas, they exist to make money. If Lowes can sell a holiday tree to a Jew, they will. 

Happy Holidays doesn’t exclude Christmas. It says “Merry Christmas” to Christians. It says “Happy Hanukkah” to Jewish people. It says “Glad To Get Presents Time” to atheists. Happy Holidays simply encompasses all. 

This is a country founded on Christianity, but it’s special and unique because it includes everyone. Most non-Christians came to this country to avoid persecution. When you act like “Happy Holidays” precludes the apocalypse, what are you telling these people? 

It’s not like Target is putting up Jesus statues, wearing a Buddha t-shirt on with a Star of David around his neck. They’re just saying “Happy Holidays”. Relax dude, you’re evangelical ideas are hurting this country.

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So Nick says it’s easy to be a Michigan fan, therefore we all should feel like he’s being so noble for switching his allegiance to Michigan State. According to his definition of “bandwagon”, UM football is a group that readily attracts many followers. I am a “bandwagon” fan because I enjoy a talented football team that many people also like? And this is a bad thing? I beg to differ.

In East Lansing for the game this weekend, the State fans were out in full force. In addition to literally countless “Go Green, Go White” chants every time ANYTHING happened in the game, I had to deal with drunk State fans flipping me off because I dared to root for a talented team.

MSU fans are all so full of hate for UM. State fans hate that UM wins all the time! State fans hate winning. This explains a lot of why they are so die-hard. They are gluttons for punishment. I was literally threatened and cursed at for liking a good team and enjoying winning.

I don’t hate MSU, but they certainly hate me. Even my husband, who has loved me for 7 years, did not love me for the three hours of that game last Saturday. But what is so wrong about loving Michigan? I grew up loving teams that broke my heart on a daily basis. Lowell football never used to be any good. The Lions have been nothing to get excited about since I was in high school. Let me enjoy my winning team dammit!

But that’s just the thing. I can’t enjoy Michigan winning. I can’t enjoy it because I get so much crap for liking to win too much. I can’t enjoy a well-matched game where my team pulled out a victory in the closing seconds, because apparently I’m supposed to root for State, the team with a long history of blowing it. I’m supposed to do that because it’s more noble to suffer. So noble, that Nick, who enjoyed many a Michigan game throughout their championship run in 1997, decided he got sick of enjoying football and wanted to try losing more. Does this make sense?

I grew up loving Michigan because they were good. I suppose this does make me “bandwagon”, but what is so wrong with that? Being a Michigan fan is not exactly easy because I have to deal with people telling me I’m not suffering enough for football.

Now want a real rivalry game? Try CMU vs. WMU. Fire up chips!

Senile Old Man 

Last night I saw Into the Wild at the State Theater in Ann Arbor.

Senile Old Man decided to overly explain parts of the movie to his wife. The following are two examples of actual dialogue. 

Chris McCandless (played by the talented Emile Hirsch) is hungry, running out of game to hunt, and eating plant seeds:

Senile Old Man: Why doesn’t he eat fish? 

I’m sure the late Mr. McCandless appreciates your advise, from the grave. 

Chris McCandless is starving, near death, and acting crazy: 

Senile Old Man (loudly):  He’s hallucinating because he’s hungry.

His Equally Crazy Wife:  What?

Senile Old Man (louder):  He’s hallucinating because he’s hungry. 

I was convinced old men think they have to explain everything to their stupid wives.  Hey pal, women have brains too. Sean Penn isn’t David Lynch; his movies don’t require interpretation.  Just shut the fuck up and answer her questions in the car.

Today, I have more passion for Michigan State. As a former student of the school, and former peer of players, I share a bond with the Spartans. I realized the majority of “die hard” Michigan fans were never students and had no affiliation to the school. A certain disdain grew for a university that methodically has better players and more fans, because it’s easy to be on the Wolverine bandwagon. With one choice, you’re always on the winning side. It is hard to be a Michigan State fan. I now choose that struggle.

During and after Michigan State’s loss this weekend to the mighty Wolverines, two situations irritated me significantly. Both involved the attitudes of fellow Spartans, and why those attitudes are wrong.

First, the dim-witted Spartan fan who cheered with no class. My cousin, a bandwagon Michigan fan (bless her heart), watched the game with us and cheered loudly during the Wolverine’s highs. When Michigan State commandeered a ten-point advantage in the waning moments, a certain Spartan thought the necessary retort was to stand up, and give the middle finger to our poor Michigan follower. Repeatedly. What says “I’m happy my team is winning” like giving the finger to those who wish otherwise?

To me, this attitude parallels the issues Michigan State’s football team has had over the years. Every time they’re on the right track, there’s a coach who leaves for money, a player arrested, a late hit out of bounds, or a couch burned. The day Spartans consistently conduct themselves with class, at all levels, is the day they compete with the big boys. I’m not stereotyping all Spartans, but the few who fit the bill define the school.

My second moment occurred in the parking lot after the game. As a plethora of dejected Spartan fans exited the bar, a girl looked at a guy in a Michigan t-shirt and stated, “Hah, you almost lost to State.”

Seriously? What does this say about your school and your expectations? I’m not happy with moral victories. If the team has the same attitude, it’s no wonder they never win the big games. I want Michigan State to beat the Wolverines. Especially when they’re having a good season, and things seem to be on the “right track”. Losses are setbacks, and they hurt.

It’s easy being a Michigan fan, but it hurts being a State fan. I bleed when I’m hurt, and I bleed green.

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bandwagon. n. a party, cause, movement, etc., that by its mass appeal or strength readily attracts many followers

Last week, a certain Detroit radio station went “all Christmas, all the time” the first week of November.  I’ll do the math for you.  Approximately one sixth of the entire year, this station is playing songs of yule. 

List of things Nick should witness before hearing Christmas “car-toons”: 

1. The Michigan vs. Ohio State end of season college football finale

2. Uncle Crickett serving venison at a family function, a.k.a. mid-hunting season

3. A turkey devouring, mashed potato inhaling extravaganza, a.l.a. Thanksgiving

4. The Detroit Lions getting their ass thumped on national television

So please, stop playing Christmas music so early in the year.  My girlfriend and my mother start asking for gift ideas.  People get too festive, too early.  Wait until there’s a nice blanket of fluffy snow on the ground.  Unless it snows in November, then wait for a second batch in early to mid-December.

According to police reports, Bolen broke into Jody Lee’s home in Buchanan Aug. 20, got into an argument and threw two large pickles at friends Lee and J.W. Romanski III.

Seriously? Bolen got mad, came over, and threw two pickles? Michigan’s economy is in the shit hole, and our tax dollars are funding this case?

“If this is not the silliest case I’ve ever seen in this courtroom, it certainly is in the top 10,” Berrien Trial Court Judge Scott Schofield said Monday. “The fact that it’s silly doesn’t mean that it’s not serious.”

Right and wrong. Yes, this is silly. No, this is not serious.  Readers, put this in perspective. A mad friend walks up, and throws a pickle at you. You laugh. You say “What are you? A clown?” Game over. You don’t press charges and waste everyone’s time and money.

Mr. Bolen was sentenced to 54 days in jail, time served. Meaning he couldn’t afford bail and already did his time awaiting trial.

During his 54 days, Bolen could have worked and spent money.  Both positives for the economy.  Instead, tax payers supported his living expenses.

Defense attorney Robert Lutz said alcohol appeared to be at the root of Bolen’s problems.

He was drunk? Who would have thought.

Let me solve the case quick. Mr Bolen, in the Livingroom, with the Pickle.  I win.

Bob: Nick, why won’t this fax machine work?

Nick: Trying adding the area code to your number, and scanning the document before you hit send.

(five minutes later)

Bob: Can you just do this for me?

Nick: I worked 36 hours is 3 days doing the yearly physical inventory.  My mind is numb, and my back and feet are in pain.

Jeff: Sounds like the white-collar blues.

Nick: Seriously.

I find it convenient J.K. Rowling announced this information after the series is completely published. Fans are no longer speculating future plot developments, and stores are no longer forecasting upcoming book sales. Buzz sells books. The buzz was over. Until now.

…he was gay and had been in love with Grindelwald… “You cannot imagine how his ideas caught me, Harry, inflamed me,” Dumbledore says in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the seventh and final book in Rowling’s record-breaking fantasy series.

Nothing in the above statement definitively implies his character was homosexual. I’ve read all the books, multiple times, and I never got the impression he was gay. Rowling made it up to get Harry Potter back in the headlines.

Statement from Melissa Anelli, webmaster of www.the-leaky-cauldron.org:

“Jo Rowling calling any Harry Potter character gay would make wonderful strides in tolerance toward homosexuality. By dubbing someone so respected, so talented and so kind, as someone who just happens to be also homosexual, she’s reinforcing the idea that a person’s gayness is not something of which they should be ashamed.”

If she’s reinforcing the idea that gayness is nothing to be ashamed of, then why was Albus Dumbledore in the closet for seven books worth of prose? Why wasn’t the Headmaster (brings new meaning huh?) sitting down with Seamus Finnegan and teaching him “It’s alright to be gay.”?

If J.K. Rowling wants readers to sympathize with Dumbledore as a homosexual character, then he should be an acknowledged gay character in the novels. If you want to make a “statement” about homosexuality, have the guts to publish it. It’s too convenient to make this announcement in hindsight and expect people to believe you tackled issues like homosexuality in your novels.

I have nothing against Miley Cyrus. I just can’t believe she’s Billy Ray Cyrus’ daughter. Yes, the country singer who brought us “Achy Breaky Heart.” Yes, the actor who starred in “Doc”, a cable drama about a doctor from Montana, trying to make it in the big city.

Being from a small town and occasionally listening to country music, I’ve always regarded Bill Ray Cyrus as a bit of joke. He’s the Corey Hart of country music.

Fictional audition for the role of Hannah Montana:

Disney: Can you sing?

Miley: Do you know who my father is?

Disney: Can you act?

Miley: Again, do you know who my father is?

Disney: Welcome to Disney, Miley. Taping begins next week.

While some parents — Christian Scientists and certain fundamentalists, for example — have genuine religious objections to medicine, it is clear that others are simply distrustful of shots.

Sabrina Rahim doesn’t believe in vaccinations because of:

…skepticism of the shots or concern they can cause other illnesses.

To avoid the vaccinations:

Sabrina Rahim doesn’t practice any particular faith, but she had no problem signing a letter declaring that because of her deeply held religious beliefs, her 4-year-old son should be exempt from the vaccinations required to enter preschool.

Doesn’t practice any particular faith. By this admission alone, her child should be indefinitely expelled from school until he/she receives the vaccinations required to attend. And she’s not alone:

From 2003 to 2007, religious exemptions for kindergartners increased, in some cases doubled or tripled, in 20 of the 28 states that allow only medical or religious exemptions, the AP found.

These rules are in place for a reason. Where else do small children sit three feet away from each all day, touching each other, breathing on each other, sharing community hordes of glue, crayons, books, etc.? Small children are susceptible to these diseases, and in a perfect situation (school) to spread it to many others. As you may have noticed in my prior posts, I trust doctors and governing bodies to make these decisions. If proof becomes evident that vaccinations can hurt children, I trust doctors and governing bodies to change the rules. Why, might you ask, do parents manipulate the system and fake religious piousness to avoid vaccinations?

Even though government-funded studies have found no link between vaccines and autism, loosely organized groups of parents and even popular cultural figures such as radio host Don Imus have voiced concerns. Most of the furor on Internet message boards and Web sites has been about a mercury-based preservative once used in vaccines that some believe contributes to neurological disorders.

Don Imus? The same Don Imus that called Rutgers female basketball players “nappy-headed hos”? Unless Internet biographies have no record of the following, I can boldly say Don Imus dropped out of high school and has no college education.

Having lived in suburban American, I believe theories, such as “vaccinations are bad”, are fads that grow exponentially amongst religious families. And by religious, I refer to people easily prone to being told what their opinions are.

Now that I proved there is no proof behind medical problems stemming from vaccinations, lets look at what happens when you abstain:

In 1991, a religious group in Philadelphia that chose not to immunize its children touched off an outbreak of measles that claimed at least eight lives and sickened more than 700 people, mostly children.

Also…

And in 2005, an Indiana girl who had not been immunized picked up the measles virus at an orphanage in Romania and unknowingly brought it back to a church group. Within a month, the number of people infected had grown to 31 in what health officials said was the nation’s worst outbreak of the disease in a decade.

Now I know why people believe in God. It’s a convenient scapegoat for asinine behavior.

The Long Hallway Walk

Cast: You, Your Coworker, and a Long Hallway. Scene: You’re walking toward each other, down a very long hallway. Initially, you can only make out who it is. They’re but an inch on the horizon. But when you’re both about halfway to your destination, you can make eye contact. Do you keep eye contact for the rest of your 30-second walk? Stare at the ground rudely? Look at the walls to your right, even thought there’s nothing on them? A window would help, but you’re in an office. Everyone knows there’s no such thing as windows in an office?! What do you do?!

The Chatty Cube Mate

Your cube-neighbor begins chatting intermittently to you. You think the conversation is over, and get up to fax something. About 10 feet away you hear her talking again, thinking you’re still there. What to do, what to do!? Quietly walk back to your desk and resume the casual conversation? Leave her there talking to no one? Why do I even care!? AWKWARD!

The One-Stall Bathroom

So maybe you finally found a good Chinese restaurant and are happy with their selection. Except for… errr… the “leftovers” the next day. If you catch my drift what I’m saying. So, you hunker down in the 1-stall bathroom which happens to be right next to the supply closet. You might be in there for, say, 5 minutes. And, as coincidence has it, your coworker might spend, oh, I don’t know, FIVE MINUTES rifling through the supply closet as well! Should this unfortunate circumstance ever happen to you, dear reader, just remember this one bit of advice: DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT AS YOU LEAVE THE BATHROOM. Acting as though it’s perfectly normal to be in the loo for 5 minutes is a sure-fire way to make your coworker forget that it’s weird to be in there that long. Looking guilty or embarrassed will only confirm suspicions that something was amiss.

Dating a Coworker

WARNING: DO NOT DO IT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE. TOO MUCH AWKWARDNESS ENSUES!

Black Jeans:  Black Wranglers posing as dress slacks. If you didn’t notice them before, you will now. They’re everywhere. Black jeans are usually paired with button-up denims, and boot shoes posing as dress shoes. Have you ever seen loose, comfortable fitting black jeans? Chances are, your coworkers’ are too tight, and you know them a bit “too well”. 

Shirts on Females:  All females wear blouses, polos, button-ups, etc. untucked. If a man doesn’t tuck in his shirt, he’s a slacker. Why the double standard? Is there a mystery as to why woman never tuck in their shirts, or am I just a man who doesn’t understand the finer points of feminine garb? Most dress codes don’t stipulate whether a shirt needs to be tucked in, but there is definitely a difference in male and female perception. 

Short Pants:  The back of your cuff should touch the sole of your shoe.  Done.  If I can see your socks when you’re standing straight, your pants are too short and you’re pissing me off. 

White Socks:  You’re not at the gym, you’re at work. White socks are not allowed. Black pants, black socks. Khaki pants, brown socks. It is an easy concept that few seem to understand. The only thing worse than white socks, is white socks with short pants. That’s right, the double faux pas. You just pissed me off twice.

So please, next time you’re bored at work, read your employee manual on proper dress code.  “No blue jeans” does not refer literally to the color blue.  You can’t wear black, green, or red jeans either.  Keep the socks non-white, and keep the pants long.  That’s all I’m asking.  And woman, tuck in your damn shirts.

1.  Be seen in public.

Chester Arthur Stiles, 37, was arrested following a routine traffic stop around 7 p.m. Monday.

2.  Steal a car.

Henderson, Nevada, police Officer Mike Dye said he pulled over the white Buick Century Stiles was driving because it did not have a license plate.

3.  Use a stolen, expired license.

Dye said he became suspicious after the driver gave him an expired California driver’s license with a photo that did not match his appearance.

4. Identify yourself.

Dye and another officer, Mike Gower, continued to question Stiles until he admitted his identity.

Stupid people engage in endlessly stupid activities. If I was the arresting officer I would have shot him immediately. This is a crime that deserves death. Dead people can’t breed. The video is allegedly so heinous, the man who brought it forward was arrested.

Chester Chester, Child Molester. Nickname no more.

 Flawed Theory

Global warming zealots have again treated all of us to the most fabulous fabrication of fiction imaginable is a collection of quotations all coalesced around the prediction that our oceans will rise approximately one meter (39 inches) over the next century, thereby flooding major cities around the world and inundating thousands of square miles of low-lying coast-land.

These so-called scientists ought to get out of their ivory towers, where professional advancement is the primary objective, and get into the lab, where experiments are run and fabricated lies are debunked.

Writer, Norman DeJong of Byron Center, goes on to single handedly disprove the flooding affects of global warming:

Go back to the junior high and run these elementary experiments:

Day 1: Put a bottle of water in the freezer and leave it overnight.

Day 2: Observe its shape and character. Did it expand? Or did it shrink?

Day 3: Leave that bottle of ice on the lab table at room temperature. Observe what happens.

Ask the elementary question: When ice melts, is there shrinkage or expansion?

Day 4: Study the nature of ice bergs, glaciers and ice caps. Observe how much of those are below the water line. When those huge chunks of ice melt, will there be shrinking or expansion?

Day 5: Revise your theory to conform to the observable facts.

Seriously? Can we investigate further than elementary school principles? So the ice below the water surface melts, and shrinkage occurs. What if the amount of ice above the surface is greater than the amount shrunk? I trust scientists to have made this calculation and determined we’re fucked if the ice caps melt. 

Mr. DeJong, your tone suggests you think global warming is a joke. I’m not a scientist, but I know there is more to global warming than this. Weather is controlled by ocean currents. If the polar ice caps melt, the temperature in the water and air will increase. This will lead to alterations in the oceans currents. Anyone who’s seen “The Day After Tomorrow” knows the apocalyptic implications of this. 

While said movie is grossly exaggerated, it does demonstrate the possible long term affects of weather changes on the planet. My argument may be as flawed as your’s (man, I love that movie), but I am not asking people to take me seriously. I trust science. I trust people who research. I trust people who are passionate about their work.

And it all comes back to the West Michigan branch of the bible-belt. You’re a Republican and you’re not allowed to take global warming seriously. Only in West Michigan is this man’s biased opinion news worthy and welcome.

I love U-Scans. The average person thinks the U-Scan was adopted to lower payroll expenses. While this is true, I have another theory. U-Scans were invented because the average person is smarter and quicker than the average grocery cashier. Given the opportunity, I can check myself out faster, with fewer mistakes.

If you are not quicker and not smarter than the average cashier, do not use the U-Scan. If you have over twelve items, do not use it. If you are paying by check, have coupons, or are semi-mentally challenged, do not use it. If you have produce and didn’t write down the product code, do not use it. I dare say, if you are female, think about full service check out. Don’t let your kids scan things because they think it’s fun. I think it’s irritating.

The U-Scan was invented to allow a man with a bottle of white wine to check out in less than thirty seconds. Anything more is universally unacceptable.

Jack: Rob, do you know where Nick is? I have an important task for him.
Rob: Judging by the organized clutter on his desk, Nick is still here and hard at work, but stepped away from his cubicle.

I do this nearly every day.

I’ve been labeled the Exaggerated Optimist. Whether it’s relationships, job opportunities, or my beloved Lions, the glass is always half full.

After Detroit’s 36-21 victory over the Oakland Raiders yesterday, I was left with positive, confident thoughts. I know what you’re going to say: “The Raiders were the only team worse than the Lions last year. We’re supposed to beat them.”

False. Detroit has a long history of losing to teams they should have defeated. Yesterday was a pleasant surprise.

Though Oakland is far from a quality NFL team, they had football’s best pass defense in 2006. This is a combination of secondary coverage and pressure from the d-line. The Lions arguably have one strength, and that’s the aerial attack of Mike Martz’s “greatest show on turf.” If Oakland’s defense had dominated like last year, the lions would be 0-1 right about now. And considering that Detroit’s offensive line last year was abysmal, blocking for the worst run offense in the league and giving up 63 sacks (the second most in the NFL), it would have been a cakewalk.

Yesterday, however, the o-line gave up one sack. Kitna had time to throw, and the receivers were more open than a Lowell cheerleader’s legs. Calvin Johnson scored his first career touchdown. Roy Williams scored. Fourth receiver Shaun McDonald scored. Last year’s fourth receiver was current Oakland quarterback Josh McCown. Apparently Detroit added depth in the off-season as well. And if our offense can score against a top-rated defense, we can out score more than enough opponents this year.

For one week at least, I’m exaggeratedly optimistic about the Lions’ chances to make the playoffs. Hopefully I’ll have something to write about next week, after the Minnesota Vikings fall like a Minneapolis bridge…(too soon?)

“there was never anything between us. it was kind of funny — kind of sad, actually. the story of my life… i thought she was the most beautiful girl i had ever seen. i told her, ‘i have a song about you already.’ obviously, there was no song. but i thought it was smooth…”

the girl firing his passion was delilah dicrescenzo, “a columbia university graduate, and steeplechase runner training for the 2008 olympic trials.”

“it was so beautifully written”, she says. “there was pressure to live up to this ideal. i didn’t know how to be polite but, you know, ditch him.”

your song for delilah isn’t quixotic; it doesn’t deserve my consideration when flipping radio channels because my cd player is broke. you’re a no talent hack. you write love songs about woman you meet in passing. how does your band feel knowing they are famous because of an acoustic song headlined by you. “deliliah” is clearly out of your league. call punk sensation avril lavigne.

congratulations tom higgenson, you’re on my hate list.