This guy saved the fat from his liposuction patients and used it to power both his own SUV and his girlfriend’s Lincoln Navigator. The doctor himself had this to say:

“The vast majority of my patients request that I use their fat for fuel–and I have more fat than I can use,” Bittner wrote on lipodiesel.com. “Not only do they get to lose their love handles or chubby belly but they get to take part in saving the Earth.” Bittner’s lipodiesel Web site is no longer online.

Unfortuately, it’s illegal in California to use human waste to power vehicles. And I thought that state was supposed to be at the forefront of investment in alternative energy. They’re sitting on a goldmine. And worse, they’re trying to prosecute this guy for turning his patients’ fat into exhaust. Please. This guy is an entrepreneur. He should be on the covers of magazines. This is exactly the type of industrious, creative behavior that this country needs to encourage, not prohibit. It’s a win for everyone.

So, if you really care about renewable energy, do the world a favor: eat. Feel free to enjoy the fattiest foods around. Before long, people will be paying you to take your fat. Is this a great time to be alive or what?

Anyway, this little issue in Illinois has been covered to death. Blagojevich tried to sell a Senate seat, got caught and was arrested…blah blah blah. More interesting news has been released today that President-elect Obama’s Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel might have been somewhat involved. This doesn’t exactly bode well for the incoming president who, among many things, promised to change things in government. This doesn’t sound like change at all.

But I don’t really care if Emmanuel was involved either. The main problem here is Illinois state law that gives the governor the power to appoint a new Senator to a recently vacated seat. What do people think is going to happen? The incentive to use that power for personal gain is way too great. With that kind of power any politician is likely to entertain offers in exchange for his or her support. Maybe not every politician would act on that incentive, but I’m sure offers would be made.

Here’s a novel idea: let the people of Illinois elect a new Senator. They elected Obama and he left. Now they should be able to elect his replacement. I thought that was the whole point of representative democracy. I may be more cynical than the average American and I generally think most politicians are worthless human beings, but I still think we should be able to trust them not to abuse their power to some extent. But we probably shouldn’t allow them to appoint other politicians to what should be elected office. That’s just dumb.

Of course, as I’ve recently stated, I don’t really trust voting either. There are too many idiots out there exercising their right to elect lawmakers. So, in the spirit of pitting candidates against retired sitcom characters, I offer the following as possible Illinois electors. One of these groups of characters should be responsible for determining the most qualified candidate for public office out of the Land of Lincoln:

In my mind, the clear winner here is the Winslows. There are more of them. The candidates would really have to show what they’re made of in order to win that election. They’d have to beat Carl in shooting criminals, beat Laura in cheerleading, beat Eddie in whatever Eddie used to do, beat Mrs. Winslow in being sassy and beat Urkel in being annoying. Since they’re politicians, that last one is a freebie. Regardless, Larry and Balki are pushovers and the Bundys, well they’d just fight with each other rather than do their job of vetting the candidates. So, the Winslows it is. Know hope, Illinois. Know hope.

“will prohibit the marketing, promotion, and advertising of a postseason game as a ‘national championship’ football game, unless it is the result of a playoff system. Violations of the prohibition will be treated as violations of the Federal Trade Commission Act as an unfair or deceptive act or practice.”

When will this stuff stop? Is Congress bored? Are Congressmen just completely that full of themselves and their power? I’m no constitutional scholar, but I’m pretty sure this would be one of the things that the framers had in mind when they wrote that

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people.

That’s the Tenth Amendment. And it appears to make very clear that Congress has no authority over designing a proper way in which to finish a college football season. Maybe the BCS is bogus. Maybe a playoff system would be better. But surely Congress has better things to do than to take control of college sports. They could start by finding out where all that money they authorized the Treasury to spend is going.

There are two big issues with this. One, who cares? I’m sure both of them would make terrible Senators. So why bother wasting all this time counting and recounting ballots? Let them both be Senator and force them to armwrestle every time they have to cast a vote. The winner of the armwrestling match gets to vote on legislation and the loser has to do the winner’s laundry. Problem solved.

The second issue is that this just sheds light (very bright light) on the major drawback of elections: allowing stupid people to participate in electoral democracy. Here is a rundown of the problems with some of the ballots:

They are sorting the ballots into five categories: those excluded because the voter’s name and address on the return envelope doesn’t match the one on the application; ballots with a fake voter’s signature; voter was not registered and eligible to vote in the precinct or has not included a properly completed voter registration application; voter already voted at the election, either in person or by absentee ballot. The fifth category has ballots were not rejected for the four legal reasons specified.

It takes a certain class of citizen to (a) not know their address; (b) fake their signature; (c) vote in the wrong precinct; (d) turn in an incomplete ballot; or (e) not remember that they already voted. It’s just a shame that people who fall into one of these categories are even allowed to vote. They clearly have no business choosing lawmakers.

The only alternative I can see is to discontinue voting altogether. We need to eliminate the chance that morons will have undue influence in the political arena. The only purpose voting serves is to reduce the threat of tyranny. A single person cannot gain power and then enact arcane laws that allow him or her to hold onto that power indefinitely. But I think there are much better ways to choose legislators than to have people head to the polls every couple years. And I think Minnesota is the perfect place to start.

I propose that both of these candidates compete in a series of skill tests against a panel of Minnesota’s finest:

First, Messrs. Franken and Coleman must display physical prowess by wrestling Dauber. Points go to the candidate that can pin the assistant coach the fastest. If Dauber wins both matches, he determines who fought harder. Second, the candidates must compete against Luther in a pie eating contest. Any Coach fan knows that Luther loves to eat. With so much on the line, the candidates must be willing to get dirty here. I want to see blueberry pie running down their faces. If Luther wins the contest, both candidates have to bake a pie and Luther will pick the winner of that contest. And finally, the two candidates must engage Coach Hayden Fox in a battle of wits. Coach Fox knew how to lead a college football team to victory. He led the Minnesota State Screaming Eagles to a 1993 national title when they defeated West Texas University in the Pioneer Bowl. That’s something not just any coach can accomplish. I think Franken and Coleman could learn a lot from Coach Fox. I suggest they start watching Coach on DVD to get a glimpse of what genius is. It’s going to take a lot to beat him.

And now that I think about it, I don’t think they can beat him. Coach Fox will run circles around these guys. He’d completely embarrass them. So, in the interest of maintaining whatever dignity these two candidates still have, I suggest the state cease all recount efforts immediately and select someone that all Minnesotans can agree on. It’s time to send Senator Coach Hayden Fox to Washington, DC.

If this post did not satisfy all your Coach-related needs, I highly recommend clicking the following links:

The Coach Blog

Brandon Bird’s Coach art

So drink up and be merry!

Well, it just so happens that I had to attend a “Facilitated Conversation on Race and Ethnicity” at work today. I wish I could say it was anything similar to the above clip. But, alas, it was not. Rather, we had to watch short video clips of people interracting at work and then discuss, in small groups, whether we thought race had anything to do with the situation and, if so, what could be done about it. I want to provide an example of one of the clips we watched, but unfortunately, they aren’t available on the internet. So, here is what happened:

Scene: Four people sitting in a conference room discussing their current work

Characters: 1 black man, 1 black woman, 1 Asian man, 1 white man

And…action!

Black Man: Great job everyone. I think this project really turned out well. (more standard office talk.)

All: Mmmhmmm.

Black Woman: I don’t know about you all, but I could use time away from this conference room. How about we go grab some lunch?

Black Man: Sounds good.

Asian Man: Yes, very nice.

White Man: Um…you guys go ahead. I need to get to the bank by 1.

Everyone gives him a look. Fade out.

What?! We had to watch four videos of stuff like this. Granted, this one was the most ridiculous, but the others weren’t much better. And here’s what I learned from these videos:

1. Race could play a role in any situation that involves people of two or more races.
2. Sometimes people just have to go to the bank.
3. Working in an office blows.

I already knew all three of those things before the session started. So I learned nothing new and wasted my morning.  Yay, diversity!

To begin, I think we can all agree that a lot is riding on the judgment of jurors. They decide if someone is guilty or innocent of a crime. That is some very serious stuff. So if I was ever on trial, I would want a jury comprised of people who are intelligent, logical and ready to pay very close attention to the facts presented during the case. But are juries typically made up of people like this?

First, who is intelligent, logical and attentive? That can be hard to determine, but a good signal of such a person is a college degree. According to the most recent census data, 24.7% of Michigan citizens have a bachelor’s degree or higher. I understand that there are intelligent, logical and attentive people without degrees. But chances are that college-educated people are more intelligent, etc. than others. With only 24.7% of possible jurors having a college degree, the ideal pool has already contracted.

So, let’s say a pool of jurors is chosen and 24.7% of them have college degrees. Chances are that those graduates are going to have better paying jobs that they don’t wish to leave for jury duty. Jurors in Michigan receive $25 for the first day of service and $40 for every subsequent day. People with jobs earn much more than this and, on average, people with college degrees earn much much more. Since Michigan employers are not required by law to pay employees who serve on juries, people earning much much more than $40/day have more of an incentive to get out of jury duty. Therefore, the people most likely to try to get out of serving on a jury are the 24.7% of citizens with college degrees. So, let’s assume 1/3 of those with degrees avoid jury duty. That limits the potential pool of college-educated jurors to 16%. That means, that on average, with random jury selection, about 2 out of every 12 sitting jurors will have a college degree. Who makes up the rest of the jury?

(more…)

First off, the government is already trying to censor the Internet by mandating the use of content filters. I know the country is kind of close to China, but it shouldn’t be adopting that country’s practices. And now, for some reason, Aussies are taking World Toilet Day quite seriously. First of all, what is World Toilet Day? Well, at first I thought it was another pointless celebration concocted by a bunch of crazies. You know, like Earth Day. But then I thought about it some more and realized that, as far as designating days for certain topics, the toilet is a pretty good choice. I mean, we all spend time with toilets and some toilets are better than others. So any advancement in toilets should be welcomed by, well, everybody.

But the Aussies are celebrating “dry” toilets that, instead of flushing, separate urine from other wastes that can be used as fertilizer. Now, I’m fully behind anyone that can develop some sort of process to cut waste or reuse the previously thought unreusable. But I’m drawing the line at adopting this new toilet if it means I have to personally store or transport what used to be my lunch anywhere. And if these things start popping up all over Australia, well I just might have to avoid that too.

So, Australia, if you’re listening, stay smart on this one. If you can create this wonder toilet without imposing new fecal responsibilities upon me, we can stay friends. And isn’t that what we want most of all?

Anyway, via the endless connection of tubes that make up the internet, I came across a description, a recipe and a picture of red beet ice cream. Some of you may be like, “What the hell?” But not me. I love beets. I put beets on salads. I put beets on sandwiches. I eat beets right out of the can. And, goddamn, I’m going to eat beet ice cream the first chance I get.

Just look at that. It screams deliciousness. Do yourself a favor and eat beets.

Why am I relaying this tale of college dietary habits? Well, it just so happens that Spam is making quite a comeback given the current economic climate in the United States:

No independent data provider compiles sales figures that include all the outlets where Spam is sold, including foreign stores, so it is not clear exactly how much sales are up. Hormel’s chief executive, Jeffrey M. Ettinger, said in September that they were growing by double digits.

As people continue to look for ways to stretch their money, they’re turning to the old standby. And if their tastes are at all similar to mine and Rob’s, we should be seeing a corresponding rise in mustard sales. I’ll be keeping my eye open. I’m telling you, it really isn’t that bad.

Here’s the latest in Obama paraphernalia. Yes, it’s referencing the Beatles’ song. Yes, even though you can’t read them on this picture, it includes lyrics:

I’m in love for the first time
Don’t you know it’s gonna last
It’s a love that lasts forever
It’s a love that has no past…

Yikes. Okay, Obama won the election. He’s going to become president in late January and, for some reason, too many people are counting on him to solve all their problems. I really don’t get it. Guess what? Obama will let you down. But it’s not his fault. It’s yours. It’s your fault for putting all kinds of faith in a holder of public office. Obama is not going to change the world. President’s don’t do that. Regardless of what George Bush said in 2004, presidents do not have mandates because they win elections. The only reason someone acquires the presidency is that a slightly higher number of people voted for him because he was slightly less of a nuisance than the other guy. Wow, Mr. President! You won a head-to-head match against someone else that also has no business trying to lead a country of 300 million people. Congratulations!

Nowhere in the constitution is it written that the president’s role is to be a beacon of hope for the citizens of America. Nowhere is it written that the president should lead the country and attempt to solve society’s “problems.” The president is supposed to execute the laws of the country and check Congress when it is out of line. The president is supposed to be nothing more than a public administrator.

Obama did not win because the majority of the voting public agrees with all of his policies. He won because George Bush made a complete mockery of the presidency and people were tired of eight years of his executive “privilege.” So it’s a good thing he’s gone. Or will be in a couple months. But placing all this faith in the presidency now that “your guy” won the election is insane. All the t-shirts and posters with Obama’s face on them were just plain annoying during the campaign. Now they, along with this ridiculous wood print, are too eerily similar to grand depictions of “dear leader” in Soviet Russia, Cuba and China. Of course, I don’t intend to associate Obama or any American president with ruthless, oppressive dictators. But this cult of personality that seems to be developing around him has got to stop.

My only solace is, like I said, that the majority of people who voted for Obama did so to punish the Republican party. And that’s fine. They deserved it. But the next couple of years will show us just how far the Democrats, in control of two branches of government, will try to push their agenda on this country. Some people might love what they do. But I’m guessing most people won’t. I’m guessing more and more people are starting to realize that it’s much more comforting to have faith in the numerous people in this world that actually create things rather than in some “savior” in the oval office. This is why Obama will let all his “believers” down. I just hope I’m guessing correctly.

But this just begs the question: why do offices continue to exist?

Clearly, some space is needed to accommodate meetings. And some face-to-face contact is required to get some work done. But it seems to me, the majority of work is easily accomplished outside of an office. And, if you’re like me, you don’t like going to the office. Actually, I don’t like doing work period, but the worst part about doing work is having to sit in a desk chair for hours in a big expansive building that I see no reason for existing. It seems that money could be much better spent on laptop computers and blackberries rather than useless real estate.

Some people might say, “Oh, you just want time away from the office so you can watch TV or read a book while working. But work won’t get done that way.” Well, in part that’s true. But, and I can’t speak for everyone else here, I’ve found that I’m much more productive outside of the typical office environment. I’m much more relaxed and in a better mood if I can avoid the office. This helps me work more efficiently and effectively. So what if I take a quick break to read, watch TV or go for a walk? All that should matter is that I get my work done. And I think I’m much better at doing that in a comfortable environment that is not an office.

So is it time to get rid of offices? I think we’re on our way there. People are already allowed to work from home every now and then, and advancements in telecommunications will continue to make it easier and easier to do so. Why waste money on more office space? My dream is to see the day when working from home is the norm and going to the office is the exception. Maybe it’s already like that for some people. But until it’s like that for me, it won’t count. Dream on.

Now that that’s out of the way, we can turn to the good news. A doctor in Berlin may have stumbled upon a possible cure for AIDS. After a successful bone marrow transplant, a German doctor reported that the patient, who suffers from AIDS, no longer shows signs of having the disease. The doctor transplanted bone marrow containing a mutation that prevents a certain molecule from forming on the surface of cells. It just so happens that this molecule, CCR5, is what binds HIV to cells. So, no molecule, no HIV in the cells. Of course, one successful trial does not indicate that the procedure will be a possible cure. But this hard-working doctor just might be on to something. It’s so much better when Germans save lives.

Anyways, my good friend, Steve, told me about Richard Cheese and Lounge Against the Machine. It’s an L.A.-based lounge act that performs covers of well-known songs. If you look them up on YouTube, you’ll find more covers than you ever thought possible. I’ve provided a few of the best below. Enjoy.

Hey Ya:

Welcome to the Jungle:

Sunday Bloody Sunday:

Rape Me:

The first group we examined was “Left-handed Tae Kwon Do dads.” This demographic started with a slight edge for Senator John McCain. However, in March, Senator Obama announced that he would support subsidies for all martial arts programs. McCain called this wasteful, stating that the most effective way to learn martial arts was to find yourself in the jungle surrounded by Viet Cong who want nothing more than to watch you fight Chuck Norris for your freedom. McCain’s sentiments found some support among a small group of tae kwon do dads, but the majority saw more promise in Senator Obama’s plan.

The polls shifted dramatically in June with rumors that John McCain was planning to select John Rambo as his running mate. The news world provided hourly reports for two months as crews kept cameras stationed outside Mr. Rambo’s home. When the rumor turned out to be false, the polls adjusted to their original porportions.

Things took another turn in October when left-handed tai kwon do dads realized that neither John McCain nor Barack Obama was dressing up as a tae kwon do fighter for Halloween. To make matters worse, reports circulated that Obama refused to give candy to anyone dressed in a martial arts costume. These were major campaign blunders and, unfortunately, took place very close to election day. As it happens, support for both Senators fell to record lows.

Support for the candidates tracks somewhat differently when we limit our scope to Toyota Camry-driving aunts. Among this demographic, there was very little support for either candidate during the early months of the campaign season. As these aunts began to pay more attention, support for both candidates grew. However, support for Senator Obabma really took off in May.

At this time, Obama had secured the Democratic candidacy and was photographed talking to Toyota Camry owner Tammy Finnegan. Via her blog, “I, Camry,” Tammy threw her support behind the Illinois Senator. Readers of the blog did the same. In early June, however, McCain supporters hacked into Tammy’s blog and inserted a doctored photo of Obama relieving himself on the leather interior of a brand new Camry Hybrid. Needless to say, all Camry owners, not just aunts, dramatically reduced their suppot for Obama.

The tables turned once again in July. Obama announced that his administration would ensure gas subsidies for Camry owners at a mimimum of $5,000 a month. Analysts thought this was steep, but campaign spokespeople reported a need to overcome the photo scandal. Not to be outdone, John McCain agreed to take part in a photoshoot for an upcoming Toyota-themed calendar. The photo accompanying August, showed the Arizona Senator in nothing but leopard print boxers sitting in the backseat of a 2009 Camry XLE. This pretty much negated Obama’s recent lead and threw the group’s support behind McCain.

As September rolled around, the calendar began to lose its effect and support for McCain cooled. Obama saw meager gains at this time when he announced he would include nieces and nephews in current child tax credits. It was a very tight race through the early autumn months, but then a strange thing happened. Camry-driving aunts quickly abandoned both candidates and threw full support behind write-in candidate Renny Harlin after TNT played Die Hard 2 three nights in a row. Shocking!

And there you have it: two of the most important, yet often ignored voting groups, and their views on the two candidates. Just how much will their preferences affect the outcome of this election? We’ll find out in a few days. But one thing is certain:  candidates would be complete morons to ignore these crucial votes in future elections. Complete morons.

–Midwestern Gothic’s Matt & Rob contributed to this report.

COLLEGE PARK, Maryland (University of Maryland): Time to Barack-and roll

Junior Stephanie Goring finds herself easily distracted and utterly dumbfounded during this presidential season.

Stephanie Goring, a junior at the University of Maryland, is worried about paying for the next two years of college and the effect that the current economic situation will have on her future job prospects. 

Goring, a 21-year-old with an “electric wit” (her words), has recently gone through the little savings she had from the mail route she’s been working since she was eleven, and worries that not having money will effect her inability to purchase things.

“I really don’t like paying for things,” Stephanie clarified.  “So I really like Obama’s plan to bring down the price of college tuition.  I think college should be free.  That would totally Barack!” 

When asked about how her decision has been affected by recent economic events, Stephanie had this to say: ”I definitely think Barack Obama has a much better plan for getting us out of this economic crisis.  I think if Obama is elected president, there will definitely be more jobs available when I graduate than if that other, old guy is elected.” 

The subject soon turned to Obama’s economic plan, and when asked what she specifically liked about it, she replied that she liked all of it.

“There’s really nothing I can point to as being more better than anything else.  The whole thing just makes sense.” 

We then asked her how, exactly, the plan made sense. 

“Well, Obama’s all about creating jobs and I like that.”  

We asked her how Obama plans to create jobs. 

“Well, once he’s president he will be able to do that.  He’ll have time to travel the country and talk to business owners about hiring more people.” 

It kept going on like this until we gave Stephanie a copy of the new Us Weekly and she became distracted. 

KNOXVILLE, Tennessee (University of Tennessee): Seriously we’re not gay.

College juniors Thurman (left) and Donaldson find themselves at odds with their decisions over who should be the next president, and their sexuality.

We caught up with Mark Thurman and Yancy Donaldson, juniors at the University of Tennessee, as they were leaving a leather accessories store.  Mark supports John McCain while Yancy is backing Barack Obama. 

“I keep telling this dufus over here,” Mark said coyly pointing to Yancy, “that Obama is completely the wrong choice on everything from health care to education.  He wants to regulate, regulate, regulate.” 

Yancy responded by saying McCain is too focused on success in Iraq to devote the time needed for America’s other problems. 

“This cracker jack wants to elect Bush III to the presidency.  Well, I say down with Bush!  No more bush!” 

After a short pause, Yancy added, “I mean the man, not the other kind…I’m not gay.”  

We asked what each of them thought made their candidate stand out from the other. 

“McCain’s a maverick,” declared Mark.  “He hates both taxes and Wall Street bankers.  He’ll fight for Main Street.” 

Yancy responded: “Well, I grew up on Main Street.”  (He did.  We checked.)  “And Obama has Main Street’s interests at heart.  He’s about better schools and more health care.  Those are things Main Street loves.” 

We really felt we were getting nowhere with this so we ordered a couple rounds of beer and some shots of bourbon at the local pub.  The two seemed to open up more after that.  

“Obama sucks!” yelled Mark. 

“No, no, no.  McCain sucks!” Yancy retorted.  

When a McCain ad played over the bar television, Mark stood up to clap.  At that point, Yancy threw his empty glass at the screen, shattering it into pieces.  Mark lunged at Yancy and broke his nose.  We decided it was time to leave.  

BRUNSWICK, Maine (Bowdoin College): If I vote, who will clean up after me?

College senior Jamal McDaniels, or “Pappy” to his friends, says the decision on whether or not to vote makes him physically ill.

Jamal McDaniels, a college senior at Bowdoin College double-majoring in Mathematics and Chicanery, finds himself going back and forth on whether or not to vote in the upcoming election, a decision which usually ends in him cradled around a toilet, vomiting up blood and bits of bile.  He also cries a lot.

While the 39-year-old Michigan native opted to not vote in the previous four presidential elections, he has been berating himself ever since and has endured years of therapy to come to terms with his doxophobia.

“It’s not that I didn’t want to vote for the first Bush back in ‘88,” he said.  “It’s just, I have this serious illness which prevents me from voicing my own opinion.  You should see me when I go to a Taco Bell.  It’s absolutely frightening.”

McDaniels, a well-liked man about campus, feels his anxiousness about voting is probably more common than most people think.

“No, you’re not listening to me.  It’s not an ‘anxiousness’.  I physically vomit if I try to make my own decisions or voice my opinion.  I can barely function as a member of society.  Is your tape recorder even on?”

While at first Pappy wouldn’t say who he was voting for, he later said: “Please, don’t make me choose!  I can’t make a decision!  Oh god…I’m going to be sick!”

He added: “Blargh.”

SAN JOSE, California (San Jose State University): Pwned


Sophomore Brian Kipling finds both candidates equally unqualified for the presidency.

At a local cyber café near San Jose State University called Cyberton, students enthusiastically talk about the upcoming World of Warcraft expansion pack, due for release November 13th.

“I just…god, I just can’t wait to get my blood elf Herghgar Posbum up to level 80.  I mean…can you even imagine the possibilities?  Pwnded!” said Brian Kipling, a sophomore and self-professed “video game sex god.”

When asked about the presidential election, Kipling became a bit more reclusive, slinking back in his chair and taking off his glasses, staring blankly.

“It’s not that I don’t like McCain and Obama,” he said, “It’s just, only someone with abilities like my level 60 Draenei mage Clac Thylsam could solve all of our problems.”

He added: “They’re just noobs.  Stupid, human noobs with almost no magic abilities whatsoever.  Can they even swing a sword? Shoot an arrow?  Doubtful.”

We pushed Brian further, asking him if he had to choose between the two ‘human’ candidates, which would he select.

“Well, I mean, I’m planning on getting a job with Blizzard when I graduate, so I guess whoever of the candidates could make that happen…well, they’d have my vote.  And I want a Ferrari and some beers and a live girl.”

Puzzled, we asked him to explain further.

“What the hell?  Who is Bud Thim, and how did he kill me with Fingers of Frost? Are you seeing this?”

Exasperated, we pleaded with Brian to give us something as he began clacking on the keyboard.

“Look,” he said, not looking away from the computer screen and beginning to sweat, “I’d cast some sort of truth-telling spell on both candidates, and find out which one is lying.  Then I’d vote for the other.  It’s that simple.  Interview over.”

After that episode, we decided to call it quits. These various voices indicate just how knowledgeable young people are about the election and how much their voice needs to be heard. These students give us hope for a bright future. 

–Midwestern Gothic’s Matt & Rob contributed to this report.

This story has extra meaning for me because my hometown, Jackson, MI holds its very own annual Civil War muster.  It’s quite a scene.  A bunch of crazy people run around in full Civil War uniform under the incredibly hot August sun pretending to shoot each other.  At the same time, a larger bunch of insane spectators gather all around the “battlefield” under the incredibly hot August sun and watch these crazies run around pretending to shoot each other.  And all the while, everyone thinks back to the pivotal battles that took place on Michigan soil.  Wait a minute…

Anyway, back to the issue at hand.  According to sources in the article, this act violates the cardinal rule of re-enacting - no loaded weapons.  So, these people actually need a rule to state that?  Interesting.  That right there tells you the type of people you’re dealing with here.  When people need to be explicitly told that they should not load the weapons they are leisurely firing at other people, then your organization is holding re-enactors to a low standard.  Pretty soon, those low standards are going to attract the lowest of the low on the evolutionary scale.  And we’ve just seen what happens then.

In the end, I hope they catch who ever is responsible.  I mean, this thing can’t go unpunished.  The upcoming Jackson Civil War re-enactment is the 25th anniversary of that most sacred event.  People will be taking it extra seriously.  Things could get out of hand.  I’d hate to see this recent shooting as precedent for some wacko trying to sneak in some live rounds.  Cascades park must not run red with the blood of idiots!  The horror!    

Students at Rice University are working to develop a strain of yeast that will simultaneously ferment beer and produce resveratrol.  Resveratrol is the natural compound that studies have linked to lower incidence of cancer and cardiovascular disease in mice.  They’re planning to enter their “BioBeer” in the International Genetically Engineered Machine competition in Cambridge, Massachusetts.

Of course, even if they make it work, it will be a very long time until this is commercially viable.  But, I sure do like the idea.  So, no matter what the other contestants bring to the competition, Midwestern Gothic is throwing our support behind the Rice University students.  And that support is priceless.  

I know what you’re thinking: that’s a cake? Well, yes. Sort of. I guess I applied too much pressure while frosting it. Or maybe I didn’t let it cool long enough. But come on. Can you honestly tell me you wouldn’t eat that?

Anyway, I don’t mean to sound like a complete cynical bastard.  I really don’t have a problem with voting.  In fact, I encourage you to vote.  Because, the more people that vote, the less meaning my vote has and the better I feel about not wasting my time to vote.  So, thank you.  But I was thinking.  What if we reformed elections so that politicians didn’t run from states, but from randomly sampled population clusters?  (disclosure:  this isn’t an original idea.  I first read about it in economist Steven Landsburg’s More Sex is Safer Sex.  Check it out).

My main problem with federal elections is that I can only vote for people from my congressional district (House) or state (Senate).  But I have no voice whatsoever in whom people in other states elect.  And those politicians screw things up just as much as the politicians I can vote for.  Case in point:  Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell is running ads about how much federal money he’s sent to the state during his tenure.  He hopes that people in Kentucky love getting federal money and so they’ll vote for him again.  Well, dammit, that’s my money too.  And it’s yours.  And you have no voice. 

But, just think.  What if politicians didn’t represent constant geographic areas, but rather ever-changing geographic areas?  We could assign voters from districts in multiple states to be responsible for voting for Kentucky’s Senator.  That way, Kentucky’s Senator couldn’t promise things to certain people in one area, because he’d be held accountable to completely different people during the next election.  We wouldn’t even have to call him a Kentucky Senator anymore.  He could just be Senator 12.  The point is, if I live in one state, how can I get excited about having a say in how federal dollars are spent if I really have no say in how dollars are spent in the other 49 states?  (And I live in DC now.  We have no Senators.  So I really have no say!).  My vote still wouldn’t count for much, but at least politicians would stop local pandering.  And that’s reason enough to start voting again. 

So, call me cynical if you like.  But until something like this happens, I think I’ll just come home from work on November 4, open a beer and relax.  That is time well spent. 

But big deal, right?  They’ll just keep hounding her to convert her room to a garage and she’ll keep resisting.  Right?  Wrong.

Her resistance crumbled last week when a local judge ordered her to comply or face possible jail time.

Yikes.  But it gets even better.  It’s not enough that the city might threaten her with jail time, but apparently La Quinta police have absolutely nothing better to do than show up, barge in and put her son in handcuffs:

Code enforcement showed up recently with three inspectors, two police officers and a search warrant.

Jarrod Head, Camargo’s 29-year-old grandson, who lives with her, was sleeping in the disputed bedroom when they arrived.

“They pushed right in,” he said. “I said, ‘What’s this about?’ but they were busy taking pictures. When I asked why they were taking pictures, the police asked me for my ID. I asked why they needed my ID, and they put me in handcuffs.”

The rest of the article contains information on how prosecutors feel this is an issue of public safety (wow) and that Carmargo has the “choice” of paying a $3,000 fine or facing 30 days in jail.  Oh, there’s also this money quote from city building and safety director Tom Hartung:

“I think we are very fair,” he said. “I don’t think you will find a more reasonable department.”

Keep telling yourself that, Tom. 

1. Rob left Korea.  Sure, it was fun while it lasted.  But how seriously can you take a country with floor urinals?

2. Matt and Jeff spent a romantic week in Hawaii.  We had the chance to visit our nation’s island state and gawk at the wondrous wildlife; like this sea turtle that just wanted to be left alone on the beach.  Silly turtles.  No one ever leaves you alone.

(Note:  Matt and Jeff did both visit Hawaii.  But at different times.  With different people.  For different reasons.)

3. Nick got married.  Just last month, Nick and Lindsay tied the knot.  And no Midwestern Gothic wedding would be complete without the standard “Four Guys in Front of Something” shot.  Congratulations again to the happy couple! 

Yikes. I shudder just thinking about it. Coming in at a close second is this bit of news:

BERLIN, March 13 — Americans with PhDs beware: Telling people in Germany that you’re a doctor could land you in jail.

Wait, what?

At least seven U.S. citizens working as researchers in Germany have faced criminal probes in recent months for using the title “Dr.” on their business cards, Web sites and resumes. They all hold doctoral degrees from elite universities back home.

Under a little-known Nazi-era law, only people who earn PhDs or medical degrees in Germany are allowed to use “Dr.” as a courtesy title.

Nazi-era? That was over 60 years ago. And I’m pretty sure it was associated with some pretty bad things. I think it’s time to move on Germany, don’t you think? But at least they can have a sense of humor about some things:

The proper use of honorifics is no small matter in Germany, a society given to formality where even longtime neighbors insist on addressing each other using their surnames. Those with advanced degrees like to show them off, and it is not uncommon to earn more than one. A male faculty member with two PhDs can fully expect to be called “Herr Professor Dr. Dr. Schmidt,” for example.

Haha, “Dr. Dr.” That is pretty funny. Oh wait, they’re serious? Man.

I think this is going a little too far even by German standards. Locking people up because of Nazi-era laws? That is so twentieth century. And early twentieth century at that. Do we really want to revisit things like this:

Anyways, read the entire article here.

  Matt: Pennies are a waste of time. And this story from New Jersey only proves that point. One of the complaints was that the students were holding up the line. I think it’s about time we made life much more simpler for everybody and just got rid of this stupid piece of metal. Last I knew, it cost more to manufacture the damn thing that it’s worth. Who can honestly say they don’t get somewhat peeved when they are handed pennies as change? They only end up in some jar or mug on some dresser and are never heard from again. I call that a waste of time, resources and valuable dresser space.

Rob: First and foremost, let’s point out the ginormous mistakes of the establishment in question, here. They’re offering two-dollar lunches to college students. What the hell do they think is going to happen? It’s like wearing tight pants to work and NOT getting eye-fucked by all your co-workers. Jesus.

Second, who even has dresser’s nowadays? Huh?!

Matt: Hmm. That’s a very interesting point about the dressers. I must say I had not given it much thought. I used to have a dresser and then one day I found that I didn’t use it anymore. I moved to a new apartment and realized, “Hey, I don’t even have a dresser anymore.” I’m worried there’s more to this mystery and something terrible is going to happen. Now look what you’ve done. You’ve got me all flustered.

Rob: Once again, Matt has lost point of the issue at hand. Pennies. Can you honestly say your life would be better without them? Huh? I mean, think about all the piggy banks the world over that would go hungry. Giant fake pencils and fake coke bottles that you put your change in. I mean, 85% of those badboys has got to be pennies. You’re saying to just throw all those dreams away? Pennies are dreams, Matt.

Matt: Don’t you see? This is exactly what I’m saying. People have put their faith in pennies for way too long. Anyone who puts their dreams in pennies is a schmuck. First, you really think throwing pennies down a well or into a fountain is going to help you? I think not. Second, are your dreams really worth only $.01? People, realizing our dreams takes effort and a whole lot more money. Take the other day for example. I woke up after dreaming I was eating a Milky Way candy bar. To make that, one of the most simple dreams possible, come true, would already cost $1 in most localities. A penny buys nothing, real or dreamed.

Rob: But put together a hundred or so of those little “dreams” and you can make yours reality. You could’ve had that deelish Milky Way melt in your mouth and you could’ve been so, so happy.

Matt: Um, the U.S. Mint has already put a hundred of those together for me. It’s called the $1 bill. And I can use that $1 bill to buy the delicious Milky Way. And carrying around that $1 bill is infinitely easier than carrying around one hundred pieces of zinc and copper. And paying with that $1 bill is…well, you get the idea. It appears you have done nothing but make my point for me. Kudos.

Rob: Man, whatever happened to the Kudos candy bar? Still around?

Anyway, look. Problem with dollars is you spend them faster. Got a dollar in your pocket? Nope, it’s already gone!

See? Pennies, though, they’re here for the long haul. Like America, they are an amalgam of different things (zinc, copper, alloys, etc.) brought together for a common good. And they live in harmony. Zinc are white people. Copper are the Native Americans. Etcetera. Pennies ARE America, Matt. Get rid of Pennies and stick with your “dollar bills” and you might as well chant “Homogeneous is the only way!”

Matt: Because the first sentence of your response is the only thing that makes any sense, I’ll address that. Yes, Kudos bars are still around. And you definitely can’t get them for a penny.

Rob: Well, I guess we’re going to have to agree on that last part. I don’t know what’s in store for the little guy, but if it were up to me, Pennies would be the dominant currency in America and I’d have a pet bulldog named Bumps.

I’m a bit worried about mixing politics and alcohol. However, everything is a bit more fun after a few drinks and I see no reason why politics should be any different. In fact, I encourage more drinking by our politicians. It might spice up those debates. Every time a candidate utters the word “change,” he or she has to drink. A round of Obamas for everyone!

In related news, I’m changing my name to Keg Lager and running for Congress.

(People being stupid in California)

This rant about California is somewhat ambitious since it is such a large state. It’s one of the largest in land area and the largest in population. So I will admit that it’s difficult to find news that shines a light on the entire state’s stupidity. And California has a lot to admire. The state is home to some of the most beautiful beaches in the world and huge and expansive national parks draw numerous tourists every year. But this state also has its demons. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to let these slide.

As we all know, smoking, and specifically, second-hand smoke, has been a hot topic for some time. I think we’d all be hard-pressed to find somebody in this country who doesn’t believe smoking has adverse health effects. This information is no longer considered controversial. But more controversial are the smoking bans that are popping up all over this country and the world. Many states in the U.S. and entire countries have enacted measures of varying degree, which prohibit smoking in certain areas. These range from restaurants to bars to workplaces to all public spaces.

Here is an index of all nations with some sort of ban on smoking and here is one for states in the U.S. If you look through information on each state, you’ll see that California was the earliest adopter of a prohibition on smoking. The state banned smoking in restaurants and workplaces in 1994 and extended that ban to bars in 1998.

These bans have supporters and opponents. Supporters claim that second-hand smoke is detrimental to non-smokers’ health so smoking should not be allowed where non-smokers are present. Opponents argue that non-smokers are not forced to go anywhere that allows smoking and private businesses should make their own decisions as to whether or not smoking should be allowed. As an opponent of the bans, I can at least acknowledge, albeit slightly, that supporters of bans could make the argument that smoking does pose some external costs on non-smokers. Fine, it’s an argument. But recent news out of California really irks me.

Two cities, Calabasas and Belmont, have recently voted to outlaw smoking in apartments and condos.

[in] Calabasas, the City Council [voted] on expanding its anti-smoking law to bar renters from lighting up inside existing apartments. It would exempt current resident smokers until they moved but would require all new buildings with at least 15 units, including condos, to be smoke-free.

the City Council of Belmont [was also] scheduled to cast a final vote on a similar measure that won initial approval last week. The ordinance, which applies to apartments and condos, would allow fines and evictions if neighbors complained and smokers didn’t heed warnings.

Ok, public spaces are one thing, but private residences? Come on, people. There’s absolutely no reason to mandate something like this. Private developers have already shown this to be true:

Tens of thousands of apartments and condos have gone smoke-free in the past five years, management companies and health activists say. Last month, Guardian Management began phasing in a smoke-free policy at 8,000 of its rental units, mostly in Oregon and Washington.

“We’ve proven the voluntary approach can work very well,” Bergman says.

If apartment and condominium complexes want to advertise as being smoke-free, potential tenants will take that information into account when making decisions. Mandating something like this takes personal choice completely out of the equation. And what the hell is this:

“Fresh air should be breathed by everybody,” Belmont Mayor Coralin Feierbach says. She cites a 2006 surgeon general’s report that says no level of secondhand smoke is risk-free.

No level of secondhand smoke is risk-free? No level of anything is risk-free. If you take a bite of food, there’s always a small chance you could choke and die. Whenever you drive your car, there’s always a small chance you could be in a head-on collision and sent soaring through your windshield into the tree on the side of the road. But we continue to eat and drive cars nonetheless. That’s because some risks are downright meaningless.

The only complaint I can see tenants making about other tenants that smoke is that sometimes the hallways smell. So what’s next, someone who doesn’t like the smell of Indian food complains to the city council in order to ban its preparation from inside a building’s walls? Get over it people. If you think you’re going to die prematurely because you smelled cigarette smoke in your apartment hallway, you really need to reexamine your sanity.

And if all that wasn’t enough for me to really hate California, there’s this video:

I mean, sure, why not visit California. The rich, white people who live there, the movie stars and moguls and famous foodies all say to come visit, so why not?! I mean, if they say to, surely I’ll become as successful and popular as them. Oh, and I’m absolutely sure, as this video points out, that I will have access to the same perks while traveling the Golden State as they do.

Idiots.

Since California is home to people like this, it is truly worthy of my hatred.

I mean what could be more fun than sending items through this “toy” to (a) mimic the fascinating work of a TSA employee, (b) determine if something is made of or contains metal (oh my!), and (c) experience the airport in any place that isn’t an airport?

Actually, if you or any of your kids find this to be fun for any hour (singular), then please do the rest of us a really big favor and just get out of the way. Seriously, just stay in your homes and leave the world for the rest of us to enjoy. If you find any enjoyment in this item whatsoever, you should probably be avoided at all times. And if you buy this for your kids, that sends a clear message that you don’t really like them and you just want them to be preoccupied so they don’t bother you. I’m sorry you didn’t use birth control.

The Middle Eastern nation with a population of close to 25 million follows Wahhabism, a strict interpretation of Islam that, among other things, punishes men and women, unrelated to each other, who mingle in public. In an attempt to put an end to such tomfoolery, officials with the (and I’m not making this up) Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice have instructed shops to remove and not sell anything of the color red for Valentine’s Day. That’s right. No red roses, no red gift boxes, no red wrapping paper, no red anything. That’ll teach everybody!

Man, way to take the fun out of everything. But I guess it’s hard to expect much from a country that allows things like this to happen:

Two years ago, a teenager was raped by seven men who found her alone with a man unrelated to her. The government sentenced the 19-year-old woman to 200 lashes and six months in prison for being in the company of a man who wasn’t a family member or her husband. She was later pardoned.

Man, sign me up. What have I been doing with my life here in the States? I’ve missed out on so much.

Listen up people. Allison, my live-in maid, has started a new blog titled Jumping in Art Museums. Apart from being a maid, she’s also a graduate student at American University in Washington, DC. Anyways, we ventured out last weekend to snap some photos and this one here is of me jumping for President Martin Van Buren’s portrait at the National Portrait Gallery. I hope you’ll notice the sign I’m flashing with my hands. If you don’t recall it, you might need to check this out:

Anyways, Allison has recently been mentioned in DC’s Daily Candy here and in the Washington Post here (you’ll have to scroll down just a bit). She’s more than happy to post submitted pictures of people jumping in front of works of art. You can visit the site for instructions. So get out there and jump!

Researchers claim this treatment could help reduce or eliminate faults in the mitochondrial DNA of embryos, which are responsible for various ailments including liver failure, stroke-like episodes, blindness, muscular dystrophy, diabetes and deafness. Opponents claim science is interfering with the basic building blocks of life and treading down a path towards the creation of “designer babies.”

Our panelists weigh in on the promises and drawbacks of this scientific breakthrough.

Matt: Wait a minute. I thought this was old, old news. Didn’t they make a movie about this back in 1988? We’re still talking about this?

Rob: Yes, yes they did, Matt. And Twins is as relevant now as it was when it debuted. I mean, it asks the really big questions, wouldn’t you agree? Where do we come from? How many scientists does it take to impregnate one woman? Who would you rather look like: Danny DeVito or Arnold Schwarzenegger? I mean, Ivan Reitman (the film’s director) was the first person, I believe, to really bring national attention to cloning.

Matt: Whoa! Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. No one wants to hear the “c” word, ok? What we’re talking about is using mitochondrial DNA from a third person to possibly replace that DNA in a growing, but potentially self-destructive embryo. One can’t help but draw the link between organ donation. The mixing of DNA is a serious business. Some organs are rejected by the receiving body. What happens with DNA in embryos? Will the embryos fight back? Does an embryo accepting of donor egg DNA become a Schwarzenegger while an embryo that rejects the same DNA become a DeVito? Or is it the other way around? I mean, Danny can be a pretty funny guy. The movie portrayed Schwarzenegger as the ideal “twin,” but is this really true?

Rob: Look, you’re making some asinine comments, my friend. Before you start blabbering, do some research. I think Reitman said it best on the director’s commentary of Twins: “You want to clone? Fine, clone away. Just make sure the clone looks like Danny Devito. An army of Arnold’s would be unstoppable! But an army of Danny’s? C’mon, piece of cake?”

I couldn’t agree more. And to further prove my point, I think we all remember the last time a bunch of ornery