Think to self: You are such a douchebag.  Don’t every talk to me you homeless piece of donkey shit.

Say: “Hi.”

Do: Punch that fucking asshat in the face and kick him while he’s down.

Watching him as the Joker this summer in the Dark Knight just won’t be the same.

Why, god! Why did he have to take all those drugs and die naked face down in his overpriced Manhattan apartment?

My beef is with the fact that this dude is wearing BIG headphones.  I mean you know he doesn’t have an old school cd player in his pocket.  I mean you know he has an iPod so why the big headphones.   The way I see it there is only one reason:  they are noise cancelling and therefore he doesn’t have to hear his fellow employees at all.  What kind of message does this send?  I mean I work in a fairly quiet environment.  I mean if you have to throw the “big ones” on when it gets loud and you are sitting at your desk, then fine.  But to walk around all day with these things on and not respond when people say hi is just rude.  I mean you aren’t Charlie Fineman.

Remember grabbing her butt right when you heard the lines:

I don’t care who you are (who you are)
Where you’re from (where you’re from)
What you did

God that was awesome. Remember making out with her when making out meant light kissing and just a slip of the tongue?

Shit, now I have an erection at work…

Interesting Individuals are those that any normal person will see on the street and think quietly to themselves “That damn freak”, unless you have Turrets Syndrome and then you yell it at them. Unlike some of my peers I seem to spend inordinate amount of time focusing my thoughts on what makes these people the way they are today. These folks have touched my life like no other.

Please take the time to share your own experiences with the Interesting Individual focused on in this article by using the comments section below.

Interesting Individual: The 5 minute Piss Pal or 5MPP from here on out.

The Scenario
You have been at work for about 3 hours so far and the day is dragging. We all know the feeling and what better way to combat it then to step away from that ball and chain (read: desk and computer) and waste time by going to the bathroom, while of course engaging in some conversations along the way (to waste extra time). Just as you arrive at the threshold of the bathroom, Mike from accounting steps up behind you. Pleasantries are exchanged as you enter the bathroom, for once you are completely in talking is not allowed.

Mike starts going to the bathroom and he has a full stream going. You start a weak stream in the urinal next to him. Your embarrassment only slows your stream to a drip drip drip. However, being a man of courage you stand next to Mike and continue to drip it out. About 35 seconds in and you are all dripped out while Mike still has a full powerful stream. As you start to zip up he looks over you and delivers a smug smile.

You start to wash your hands and because you want to see how long Mike’s powerstream can keep up you wash them good, not like your usual turn on the faucet, turn it off, and grab some paper towels only to throw them away dry. 55 seconds have passed. Finally, you finish washing your hands and at this point you are ready for surgery you scrubbed them so good. Mike is still pissing and while his stream has lessened a bit it is still resonates louder against the back of the porcelain than anything you have ever done. 1 min 45 seconds.

As you start to leave the bathroom you look between Mike’s legs and the stream is awesome. Overcome, with jealous you stop walking for just a second. 2 minutes. Mike notices the change in movement behind him and just as he looks back you start to slowly shuffle towards the door. He waves and mutters “Sayonara.”

You wait outside the bathroom to see if he comes out. At this point he has been in there 2 minutes and 15 seconds. So you wait while staring at your watch. It feels eerily similar to waiting for your girlfriend at the mall while she uses the restroom only you know she isn’t going to the bathroom the entire time.

Finally, Mike strolls out and as you try to look like you are reading a posting about your employment rights that is posted on the wall near the bathroom you look down at your watch and nearly 5 minutes has passed. That’s when you realize Mike is a 5MPP.

Reasons to strive to be a 5MPP
1. Being a voluntarily fireman with your own water house and water supply. Think about how the chicks will dig you as you walk up to a burning building and put out the blaze with your powerstream.
2. The respect of other men once they find out you are a 5MPP. I mean who doesn’t wish they could do that on a regular basis?
3. The ability to drown small children (your own or others) with your own bodily fluids if they don’t behave. No more crying children while you try to enjoy a nice dinner with that hot lady at the restaurant where stupid parents think they can bring their kids.
4. Helping the environment by filling small stream and lakes in times of a drought.

(Myself, Ted, Tim, and an obscured Bob enjoying a rejuvenating go at one of America’s most favorite pastimes, “getting your fucking boy scout medals”.) 

Let me start this report out by kind of admitting that there were indeed biases aplenty before we crossed the border to the land of those wily “Maple Leafs”. What’s with that syrup, after all? But, for the sake of bloggers everywhere, Ted, Bob, Tim, and I had to discover firsthand what the metropolis affectionately known as the “Big Fire” was all about.

We left on Thursday morning after getting our final boy scout medals.  Shit that was sweet.  See the picture above.  We were drinking juice all night and by the end we couldn’t stop giggling.  All the ladies are going to love us in O-titty with our sweet medals and all that donkey ass shit.

We drove all day long, but since we are so young and usually only drive pinewood derby cars it took us 15 hours to get to the about Traverse City.  Which from Grand Rapids usually would only take about 4 hours.  So we got a hotel and got ready for a pillow fight.

Next thing we noticed? We were buff as shit and we were going on a gay cruise across the great lake of Lake Superior.  Oh shit I love gay guys.

Lastly, the nightlife.   We stayed in our hotel in Oliver Paipoonge most of the evenings (7 out of that we were there.  We ate twinkys and drank mountain dew.  We were playing World of Warcraft the whole time.  Tim kept eating twinkees well into the night.  I told his now fatass to slow down, but he wouldn’t.

Anyway, that’s about it.   One last picture of us before we left.  Got any tales of Oliver Paipoonge or Canada you’d like to share? I’d love to hear about it.

Auf Wiederhoren.

 From all the gang here at Midwestern Gothic, Happy 1st Muharram (Islamic New Year, 1429 CE. This day commemorates the migration of Muhammad and his followers from Mecca to Medina in 622 CE. where the first Islamic community was established. Muharram lasts for ten days.)!

Today’s social situation is not well known burping or rather burping in front of people that you just met or may not know very well.

The Burper
You are half way through a tasty club sandwich and large fizzy soda from the deli that you are dining at with a new co-worker.  It was your job to take him out for lunch today.  All the regular small talk has been played.  And there is a bit of silence, lucky for you as you expunge a small silent burp (you know the kind where just your neck and mouth move a bit) as your new co-worker takes a bite of his broccoli cheese soup. 

So you start to talk about the office politics and as you are mid-sentence you realize here it comes again, another little burp.  You try to hold it back, but it bubbles up and finally you semi-choke-burp-make-a-small-noise and excuse yourself.  Your co-worker takes it in stride and the moment passes.  Wow, you feel really stupid, but by the late afternoon all is forgotten.

The Burp Receiver(s)
So far this lunch is going good.  You’re not paying so it almost couldn’t get any better.  This new co-worker of yours has some good information about the company.  You appreciate all the things he is telling you and all that he has to offer.  Mmmm…this sandwich is good.  Wait…did your co-worker just ralph a little in his mouth.  Just keep your head down then he will think that you didn’t hear him.  Take another spoonful of your broccoli cheese soup.

Ah, yes now we are getting to the good stuff.  Tell me more about the office politics.  Really, he micro manages you?  I would have never guessed.  Hold the phone is this guy about to ralph again?  I can’t believe this is happening.  Remember, act like it is no big deal.  Oh, wow what was that?  Did he just choke or did he burp?  I thought his whole club sandwich was going to shoot out of his mouth and hit me in the face.  Disgusting.  I will never forget this moment.

Social Analysis
See how the two situations were perceived differently.  That is because we are all unique and we can do anything we put our minds to.  And if you believe that happy go lucky horseshit I have ton of stuff to sell you for “rock bottom” prices all react to things differently.

Here are some things that The Burper could have done differently:
- Excused himself
- Fart and then say “Now burping isn’t that bad is it?”
- Belch as loud as he can and hope for a good laugh
- Throw up a little on the table

Here are some ways The Burp Receiver could make the burper and himself feel less (or more depending on your view) awkward:
- Burped along with The Burper
- Punched The Burper in the face
- Patted The Burper on the back and say “It’s ok.  Just get it all out.”
- Leave the table immediately and moon The Burper on his way out of the restaurant

What I would like to touch on today stems from that topic and that is Cube Cleanliness. In some offices it is a bigger deal than others, but in all it plays some sort of roll.

I know at my specific office there are rules in place to make sure that people keep their cubes clean and professional. However one person in particular insists and maintaining a dorm like atmosphere in his cube.

The problem is this bastard just doesn’t get it. He isn’t moving up with a cube that looks like the one above. He needs to clean out his stuff and rid himself of the terrible smell of rotten garbage before people will take him seriously. How can he get a promotion with fruit flies hovering around him and last month’s issue of playboy at the top of his open drawer?

He can’t. And if he doesn’t want to then he is on the road to self-defined success.

We have a hallway at work that is just wide enough for two thin people to walk by each other. In that hall way on one side are supply cabinets. On the other side is a wall. My co-workers, in all their infinite wisdom, continue to pilfer supplies for home use take items and leave the doors ajar.

Now even if I could get by with the doors open it would still bother me, however when the doors are open you have to close them to pass by comfortably. Not to mention that it looks sloppy to any clients we have in our building.

So why can’t these ingrates close the doors when they are done?

“I was just too lazy. Sorry Jack it won’t happen again.”

That was what one idiot co-worker told me as I had him pushed up against the lunch room wall with a piece of hot pocket hanging out of his mouth. As I shoved him down into his seat one of the executives, standing in the doorway to the lunch room, told me that he was going to have to write up my behavior and submit it to HR.

As I punched him out on my way out of the room I yelled “The price is wrong bitch.”

Wait maybe that last part was a wonderful day dream I just had in my cube. I can’t remember….I keep sliding in and out of consciousness.

If you are a bit rusty on your Men’s Bathroom Etiquette (or are a woman wanting to understand how we return so fast from the bathroom) then video below should serve as a quality refresher course.  It is about 9 minutes 30 seconds, but well worth it in order to preserve the fabric of our society.

How to spot a person looking for a new job: The first thing to keep in mind while trying to spot one of these turncoats is they most likely hate their current job.  With that in mind, keep an eye out for the person that looks the most sick of being at work each day.  Anyways, let’s look at some of the other way you can spot people that are trying to get out of day jail.  Make sure they don’t just have a case wednesday lag repeatedly occuring on each day of the week.

1. A general disposition of unhappiness.
2. Cyncisim towards everything big brother the company is trying to accomplish.
3. A sarcastic attitude towards moving the company forward towards it’s ridiculous goals while getting no rewards for doing so.
4. Skilled in the arts of alt+tab.
5. Careerbuilder.com hidden behind the folder directory they are “working in” as you walk up to ask them a question.
6. Repeated mumbling under their breath as they walk around the office.
7. They answer their cell phone as they walk away from their desk.
8. Drinking an ice cold beer at their desk while they belch and keep asking rhetorically “What are they going to do, fire me?” and then laughing manically.

Why it’s annoying:  These people can be annoying because if you are their co-worker you have to take on most of their responsibilities because they can not be trusted to meet deadlines.  You also have to deal with and find work arounds for all of the items listed in how to spot them.  However, if you are the person finding a new job this can be annoying because you constantly have to sneak around.  At the same time it can be comforting because you don’t care what happens to your job.  In fact if you were like me you wish they would fire you just so you wouldn’t have to drag yourself into work each day.

What you can do to stop a person looking for a job:  Long and short answer is that if a person is determined enough you won’t be able to stop them, but you can do some fun things to mess with them.

1. Hide their cell phone.  Just make sure they can hear it and eventually find it, but can’t get to it fast enough to answer it and walk away.
2. Continually walk up to them when you suspect they might be looking for new jobs.  Just ask them if they like your new skirt about a project you are both working on.
3. Put fake company propaganda in their mailbox letting them know that they can’t use the internet or anything else for job searching on company time.
4. Leave threatening notes on their desktop saying that you know they are looking for a new job and that you are going to tell their manager.  In fact use magazines like they do in the movies to cut out the actual letters and then piece the words together that way. 
5. Walk over to their desk and yell “Why do you have Careerbuilder.com open Joe?”  Run after this because they will probably try to strangle you.
6. Finally, if you are their boss and you suspect such behavior call them into your office or a conference room (the conference room is if you are a suck enough to be managing people, but didn’t demand an office with a door).  Once they come in ask them to shut the door.  Tell them to keep their job they have to fight you in a “cage match”, which is to happen right now (sorry about your new dress pants and fancy silk tie) in order to keep their job.  Tell them the person to survive gets the office and both salaries.

Jack: I really hate my job man.
Matt, Jacksontown Mayor: It can’t be that bad.
Jack: It is ok, bro, why don’t you back off.  It’s not like we can all have jobs we love, hot women, fast cars, and piles of cash.
Matt, Jacksontown Mayor: Yeah I know, but it sounds like you are in day jail by the way you talk about it.

Rob: What’s up bro?  You look tired.
Jef:  Not really sure.
Jack: Must have a case of Wednesday lag.
Rob: Yeah, bro, yeah.

How have we become this lazy in America?  What is that 5 lb computer to heavy to throw over your shoulder?  The extra paper too much?  I mean people you are walking in from your car in the garage to your cube inside, where you will likely sit for 9 hours and suck down 4-5 20 oz bottles of Pepsi.  Give me a break and carry your stuff.

With that being said, I am back with an angry rant.

Look, where I work it sucks. It is the worst and nothing could make it worse except hearing this:

You are PM on this one, pal.

I don’t want to hear that. You know why I don’t want to? Because I don’t make any money. Usually my paycheck comes and instead of feeling proud I am ashamed of how little I make. I cry myself to sleep at night every two weeks. So when I hear that I get to be PM I get pissed off. Because now I have all the responsibility and none of the title or money.

Gee, thanks! I love being PM.

When the elevator began moving, silence ensued as each person practiced their elevision.

Let’s just make Michigan a human landfill.  What this would mean specifically is shipping all the out of work (read: homeless) people in the United States to Michigan.  We can build a tall and thick concrete wall (think: Great Wall of China, but more imposing) around the entire lower peninsula.  This way our water and adjoining states would be safe from the all of the less fortunate people who get placed in the human landfill.

Think of this way then Michigan can build to it’s potential: a place where there are no jobs, tons of people, and tons of empty condos (and they keep building!).  The positive side of the equation is that we can move the rest of the few remaining companies out of Michigan, creating jobs for other states.  Those of us that hold those jobs can go with our company to its new location, of course if we choose to leave the human landfill.  And the big positive is that the rest of the country would be beautfied and void of the jobless.

It’s a win-win.

Wait, someone has to lose?  Hmm, unfortunately it might be more of a reality then we think.

Men want hot women, study confirms. 

Really are you sure we don’t want the ugly ones?  I could have told you that and you could have given me all the money that was dumped into this waste of time.

1. Always in meetings.
2. Never does any work.
3. Outlook calendar is completely filled with appointments.  On the rare occasion that the Meetings Connoisseur has a free moment, he fills it with time he blocks off to “get work done.”
4. Eats free on the company for lunch and dinner and even a morning snack since he is always in meetings.
5. Sends emails only using his blackberry.
6. Acts pompous and doesn’t realize what is really going on in the company because he is always in meetings like an executive.

Why it’s annoying:  If this person is ever someone you need to talk to about a project at work, it can literally drive you mad.  Just trying to find them in between meetings can make your life a living hell.  Therefore, you can never get anything done that needs to involved a Meeting Connoisseur.

What you can do to stop a Meeting Connoisseur:  Most times the Meeting Connoisseur cannot be stopped.  Therefore, try these tactics with great care as from the outset they are dangerous and could cause a terrible backlash.

1. Continue to email him on his Blackberry until he responds with the answer to your question.  Don’t take responses like “In a meeting, talk to you when I am out” as an acceptable reply.  Even if he starts to send responses like “I will have your family killed if you don’t stop emailing me about that question”, don’t let up because remember he won’t have time outside of a meeting to do his bidding.
2. Hack his Outlook Calendar and delete all appointments for the rest of the day.  Chances are he will notice something is wrong, but you could still get a free 30 minutes or so before he does.  However, your time will be short as someone will likely notice that the Meeting Connoisseur is missing from their meeting and send someone to get them.
3. Drug him and move him to a conference room.  Lock the door from the outside and have two of your cube mates stand guard.  Don’t let him out until all your questions are answered.
4. Stage a fake meeting.  You will have to have a good fake premise and lots of powerful people on the invite list.  Make up some Vice Presidents if you have to.
5. Corner him in the parking garage as he parks in the morning, that is if he doesn’t sleep in his office so he can make it to the first meeting of the day.
6. I don’t like to resort to violence, but if you need to talk to the Meeting Connoisseur break into a meeting he is in.  Run up to him immediately and grab his collar.  Hold him up against a wall and threaten to destroy him unless he answer all your questions.

matt: i just deleted half of our site man.
rob: jack backs up our website ten times an hour, has multiple backup drives, hard/softcopy of all his screen shots, game saves, and documents.  so we should be ok
matt: he is daterialistic and it makes me so hot for him.
classic jef: let’s call him and have him back up your stuff then matt.
rob: ok i will call him.
(rings…)
jack: hello?
rob: hey brosef, i need you to back up the site because matt deleted half of it in his haste to close it and get back to his knitting.
jack: please hold while i hump my computer.
(holding…)
jack: backup complete.
rob, matt, and classic jef in unison: you are the most daterialistic bitch we know!

bennigan, ted w. [1:57 pm]:
good job representing the company
mcclosky, jack [1:57 pm]:
fuck
bennigan, ted w. [1:57 pm]:
that would have been great if you were like, “sorry, we’ve got deadlines.”
mcclosky, jack [1:57 pm]:
or “get the fuck away from me”
bennigan, ted w. [1:58 pm]:
nice
mcclosky, jack [1:58 pm]:
come on what else

(more…)

classic jef: want to go get some lunch?
rob: dude, i’m broke. gotta cruise the break rooms for some office-overs for lunch.
classic jef: yeah i heard a lunch meeting just let out.

my building has about 40 floors. i am on one in the twenties (exactly floor left out for my protection from all of you, my raving fans my boss reading this blog and being able to string too many things together) and i get on at 2. the elevator starts to ascend until it stops at 10. a strapping young man gets on and rides to 12. are you kidding me ?!?!? walk up two floors.

so what is acceptable? answer the poll below.

How to spot a lnp:
f. They might ask rhetorical questions out loud when they are frustrated with a task, such as “Welllll hooow am I supposed to do (x) if (y) won’t do theeeeeir part? Last time I checked, I didn’t get paid to do (x) so why am I supposed to do it now?” No one is in their cube.

What you can do to stop a lnp:
h. Answer their question out loud. “Well Jim, the reason you’re supposed to help out in this situation is a little thing called TEAMWORK. If you want to wait until (y) does (x) then go right ahead, but you’re really saving yourself and the team some time by just doing the goddamn thing instead of talking out loud to no one in particular about why you aren’t willing to do it. You’re worried you’re not getting paid. Okay, how much do you make? $50k per year? Okay, here you go (throw him two dollars). You make about two dollars per five minutes, so here’s a couple bucks, just do the damn thing!”

just goes to show you that we are serious about posting user-submitted content. send it in and be awesome like lindsay.

a man in china died from a electric shock after his sweaty leg touched his open computer case.

His sweaty legs came into contact with the computer’s internal wiring, likely causing a short circuit.

i guess not having thought about opening my computer case and touching my sweaty legs to it, i didn’t realize that it could kill you, but i guess that’s exactly what it can do.

The computer’s internal voltage can reach as high as 380 volts in power-storage capacitors, which is enough to give a deadly shock.

so while we mourn the death of wu today, let’s think about ways he could have saved himself and we prevent ourselves from dying while we sit at our desks sweating with our case off and our legs dangling oh so close.

(more…)

1. talking loud.
2. whistle at a decibel level which you can hear all the way down the corridor away from your cube where their office is located.
3. walking around the office smiling at everyone as they make more loud noises.
4. likewise, walking around the office doing number 3 and saying hello to everyone they know.
5. sending out emails with sentences that contain all caps.

why it’s annoying: some people have the natural born talent (it cannot be taught) of being able to complete any assignment given to them no matter what is going on around them. the rest of us need some quiet as we work on highly detailed stuff. that doesn’t mean to say that we need it all the time just sometimes. and that is why a lnp is annoying because they can never, ever be quiet.

what you can do to stop a lnp: a word of note before you try any of the tactics below to stop a lnp, you need to be sure the victim co-worker is truly a person who is a lnp. if not obviously the consequences of the tactics are irreversible and you might have actually lost an ally to fight the lnp. so without further ado, how to stop the lnp(s) in your office:

1. headphones and some good music. this is for all you confrontation avoiders out there.
2. stalling on doing work until the lnp goes to a meeting. this option will only work if the lnp is an i-think-i-am-important-higher-up-run-the-company-person executive. if you are unsure as to what an executive is they probably have an office and are full of shit. stay tuned for a column about executives coming soon.
3. move to the other side of the office. this is drastic and hard to explain to your manager why you need to move away from your team.
4. ask the person to be quiet while you are working hard. they won’t understand and will start making loud noises again 30 seconds after you leave.
5. walk up and slam their door shut.
6. ask the local high school band to come over to the address of the lnp at 4:30 am on saturday morning and play the fight song 3 times.
7. put a mickey in his drink.

this guy is not screwing around either.

watch as the contraption blasts a spud into your neighbor’s yard, or through his fence.

watch out.  you have been warned.

hopefully i will get something up later today.  until then wait in anticipation.

they are multi-purpose usually accomplishing the following things:

• letting people in and out of the office securely and keeping people without a badge out.  yeah right how many of us have swiped in a co-worker that forgot his/her badge or even a person who said they had “business” in the building to attend to?  we all have.
• id purposes so that if you see a person walking around in your office without one an id badge they get turned in by each employee.  yeah this doesn’t work for two reasons, 1) not everyone displays this proudly and 2) no one is going to rat out someone without one on for fear that they actually do work in your office, but you just don’t know them.

however, i do have a favorite function of the id badge.  giving away who is sitting on the toilet.  that’s right folks it really makes my face light up with glee when i walk into the men’s bathroom and see that gordon, from accounting, is taking a deuce.  i just love how the bad that he so proudly wears on his pants now sits dangling from his crumpled pants just below the stall wall wear i can read it perfectly.  why you might ask?  probably cause i am sick, but one of these days i am going to take a bucket full of water and dump it over the stall and run.

toledo water rescue crews have pulled from the maumee river the pilot of a helicopter that plunged into the water at a bridge near pier 75 marina.

i think that it is a waste of time.  just leave him at the bottom.  another waste of our tax dollars.

the problem is that this lady has a desk downstairs.  i know because i have seen it with my own two eyes.  so what does coming up here and making calls to her foriegn friends co-workers?  well apparently she feels like she can be loud as she wants up here.

how am i supposed to focus on doing all the work that i have (actually have deadlines coming up, unlike normal when i do nothing) when she keeps yelling in her foreign language?

go back to your desk downstairs.  i am going to lunge at her soon.  tracking…

rob: this place is terrible
jack: two bros thinking a place is terrifuckingble.
rob: yeah bro.

but maybe she has a point.  i just saw the most annoying guy, picture below, in my office walk by with a can of vernors.  now vernors was cool in the 70’s, but i would have thought by now most people would realize it sucks my grandpa’s balls.  plus it’s 9 am.

i really hate that dude.

there are times, however, when working for the man can completely destroy you. for instance, this morning i was sitting at my desk minding my own business working on a few things. my co-workers, who probably talk for about 2-3 hours each day at random intervals, were talking about how much work we currently have. as i was only a few cubes (one cube is about 8 feet so i was probably about 16 feet) away, my ears perked up at this discussion topic. then i heard it.

(more…)

mark: this place is so awful.
rob: what place?
mark: my cubicell that i am in all day long.

where do i eat? as the picture above shows i eat right at my desk.  i figure why leave the cube and get excited about the possibilities of the outside world when i will only have to return promptly at 1 pm?  there is no reason to fight my cube jail sentence.

i just cram my fat face (i live in michigan) full of everything in my lunch sack and stare at the computer that i have been staring at for 4 hours and will continue to for another 4 hours after lunch.

i hate my life…….except for lunch.

1. everyday, if not interrupted, they do the same exact thing. for instance, each morning getting to your desk, dropping your stuff, and going to get a vault when you are already fat and don’t need the calories.
2. putting on the headphones and staring at the same place on your blank screen.
3. talking in the same tone all the time. this might not be mono tone, in fact you are lucky if it is. usually it is some trumped up i-am-awesome tone.
4. fat
5. ugly

why it’s annoying: most office zombies aren’t that annoying. generally they will stay out of your way and do their own thing. however, on occasion you get one that has a routine of pissing you off. that can be bad because they don’t know how to break the routine until you help them.

what you can do help an office zombie’s routine: make sure first that they actually are an office zombie by checking the signs above. if they match up then let’s get started:

1. get into the office before they arrive and change specfic parts of their routine that annoy you most. for instance if they use the speakerphone turn the volume way down. depending on how deep they are into their routine this could prompt them to think about how such things affect those around them.
2. if that doesn’t work remove the element that you see as the most vital or that kick starts the routine when the office zombie arrives in the morning. an office zombie that i work in close proximity to gets a vault pop each morning. now if i buy all the vaults from the vending machine of our office then he is screwed. look i never said this was a free way to break the routine. do you want your freedom or not? sacrifice then!
3. on the off chance that they get around that remove the thing that keeps them going all day long. this could be a fan in their cube or maybe their music. just make sure that if you remove it you have a good hiding place for it. for if the zombie finds it in your cube they might be really pissed.
4. if none of these work then take a few sheets from confidential company reports of scrap paper and crumple them up to make a little reservoir of sorts. then go into the cleaning closest and get pour some flamable liquids into the reservoir. just enough that it will explode in about an 8′ radius, not too much now. then take the lighter of a smoking co-worker, run by the office zombie’s cube and light the office paper bomb and throw it at the zombie’s desk and yell “fire in the hole.” then clear out and hit the deck. as the office zombie’s desk is engulfed in flames they are sure to see your displeasure with their routine.

while, it’s good to let your other co-workers now about the office fire bomb ahead of time it is not neccesary. expect retaliation from the office zombie.

toledo carpet pie
n. to pull back the carpet in a room and defecate and flap the carpet down for the next person to find.  this works especially well in an apartment in which you are moving out of and don’t have a security deposit owed back to you.

rob: i really have to poop, but the bathroom is being used.
nate: just do a toledo carpet pie in the other room, this place doesn’t owe me any money so i don’t care.

rob: hey yeah we should do a toledo carpet pie.
jack & nate: yeah bro.
rob: do you know what that is joel?
joel: oh yeah.
rob: no you don’t you fuck! we just made it up.

this kid loves vacuums and can’t stop.  he has a lot of them and wants to make love to them.

today, kyle has 165 vacuums. he uses almost all of them, vacuuming his own house up to five times a day.

“when I go off to college, my parents say they’re gonna have a big vacuum sale! “

someone needs to get this kid help and hurry.  because in all honesty if, and that’s a big if, he makes it through high school without getting the beat down of a life time, he won’t make it through college.

if you want to review the first list go here.  otherwise let’s review some more reasons why mondays suck.

• you are back to sitting in a cube and listening to the guy 2 offices over use his speakerphone constantly.  this guy has issues, but at least you got to listen to a telemarketer call him bright and early this morning.
• the weekend was fun.  it’s that simple.  the weekend you got to see your friends do all these things you looked forward too.  now you are back at work and doing things you don’t look forward too.
• you want to committ cubicide.
• the co-worker you saw at home depot on saturday after not showering has started to pass around pictures that she took of you on her camera
• you can’t remember really why you come in to this place for the refreshed beating that every monday brings.

rob decided to cubesterbate after he finished up the monthly sales report.

we’ve all be there before, in the land of awkwardness where we find ourselves exchanging unpleasantries. 

      n. pl. un·pleas·ant·ries 
      a disagreeable remark, situation, or act. 

see so we really don’t want to run into these disagreeable situations even in our personal life, but certainly not at a place where we are chained to about a space of 40 square feet all day long.  think about how you have to see the same people day after day and how these unpleasantries start to form a mental picture of each one of them.

let’s tackle today’s unpleasantry: lunch room encounter.
(more…)

1. they love to talk. the most important thing that you must remember is that a story teller can go on for hours if you don’t take preventative action.
2. doesn’t shy away from sharing their personal experiences in any situation. while this can be funny on the topic of bashing the company, it can get gruesome if they start to talk about potty training their child or their great aunt’s stomach problems.
3. complete and utter exaggeration. it never starts off that way, but by the end after a few hours they not only hit the ball out of the park at their softball game, but did they mention that their game was being held at comerica park and he hit it do straight away center?
4. repeating parts of what they are telling you as if you didn’t hear it the first 15 times.

why it’s annoying: this person makes your ears bleed because they talk so much. the worst part is that most of their blabbing is all about things you have no interest in and even if you did have interest in their topic they won’t let you get a word in edge wise. in most cases you wouldn’t want to talk to this person unless forced to.

what you can do to stop a story teller: you’ve had enough and you need it to stop. there are a few things you can to stop this person from ever telling a story at your cube again. however, i warn you that if this person is your “friend” (at work at least) you might not want to implement any of these tactics because they most likely will have a negative impact your “work friendship.”

1. act as if you care for the first 45 seconds of the story, but then politely tell the person that you “really want to hear what they have to say, but you are swamped with work.” remember this might not work if the story teller is on your team and knows your work load.
2. use the buddy system. by this i mean have a secret code set up between you and your cube neighbors. so if the story teller comes around you can knock on your desk or cough loudly and one of them will come over and ask you a question that requires your immediate attention. this will free you from the cluthes of the story teller. however, you might need to tell the story teller you will stop by later (even though you won’t) so that they go away because if they don’t have a lot of work to do they might just wait by your cube till you are done “helping” your cube neighbor.
3. point out contradicting facts in their story. for instance if they say “and then i leapt a tall building to save someone”, tell them that is impossible. they might continue on with the story, but they are unlikely to come back for a few days at least from the embarassment.
4. raise your voice slightly so that everyone within a 3 cube radius can hear you (see speakphone-philiac for tips on how you might be able to reach the volume you want to be heard for the 3 cube radius) and tell the story teller that you don’t want to hear their ridiculous stories and don’t have time for their bs.

rob: i heard jack died last week and that’s why he hasn’t been doing all the work i gave him.
matt: dude, he commited cubicide.
rob: oh, wow, I didn’t know that. well, now who’s going to do all that work.

classic jef: i gained 50 lbs last year.
robby: that is fucked up man.
classic jef: it’s due to a serious case of cuberot.
robby: yeah you must have cuberot bad. oh well, let’s go do those chicks.

an 18 year old girl (hot right?) claims that spiders saved her from a house fire.  well at first the story was pretty good:

when more showed up, she says she went across the hall and got into bed with her 15-year-old sister, lauren.

at that point in the story i started to think this was some kind of sick spider porno, but i was still enjoying it but then reality took hold and i think we learned who the real saviors are in this story.  so if the spiders made her aware of the fire in her attic why didn’t she go and put it out.  no hours later:

a few hours later, vigue’s 48-year-old mother, debra, and 8-year-old sister, shelby, smelled smoke, and flames greeted the family when they opened the door to the room danielle vigue had earlier left.

so really her mom just woke up and smelled smoke.  so what did the spiders do to help notify of the fire?  they awoke her.  so what, don’t you think the flames would have too?  it’s not like the spiders told her there was a fire and she put it out.  come off it spider lover.

which leads me to ask the logical hard reporting question of: did anyone else get in the bed with the 18 year old and 15 year old?

so recently this girl from hr has been assigned to my team of the company.  recently she decided that if she moved her office, from the floor below, to an empty office right in the middle of my team’s area that she would be much more helpful.  she couldn’t be more wrong.

first of all, she has nothing to offer us.  by being here is just feels like she is more or less spying on our team and reporting to the higher ups.  which unfortunately is probably true.  second, she is loud, obnoxious, and inconsiderate.  examples are as follows:

• she never puts her phone on vibrate and therefore when her “girls” are calling her to go out to pick up guys clients call her you hear a loud annoying ring
• she comes out and talks to us when we are busy about stupid things
• she is ugly and fat

finally, she is taking salary that would be better spent paying the employees that are working hard instead of her.

1. coming in late every day.
2. taking a 2 hour lunch, at the very least.
3. leaving before you, in spite of items 1 and 2.
4. working less than 30 hours a week, but getting pay a salary based on 50 hours
5. taking days or hours off when the rest of us would need to use vacation time
6. ugly

why it’s annoying: if i have to explain to you why it is annoying you might start examining what time you come and go each day and then others around you. point being, you might be the normal business hours don’t apply to me person in your office. of course, it is annoying because these people, nah rats, get to work much shorter hours than the rest of us.

what you can do to stop a normal business hours don’t apply to me person: there is nothing you can do directly to stop the normal business hours don’t apply to me person unless you are their boss. however, you can indirectly help the cause. here’s how:

1. first wander around the office and ask anyone, and everyone, if they have seen the said person because you have a “question” to ask them. more like you are alerting them that he isn’t in yet.
2. ask their boss if they know if he has the day off because you haven’t seen him yet.
3. leave threatening notes on the person’s chair so that when they do get in they are scared. cut the letters/words out of magazines for maximum effect.
4. don’t do any work until they come in to accent the fact that you only “work” the same amount as them.
5. punch them out everyday they are late and then scream “that’s for not being a team player.”

so what do you do to add back in the thrill you are missing?

russell rotta acknowledged to police that he had been running naked since he was a teenager and generally woke up each day around 4 a.m.

yeah he ran naked every single day, weather permitting of course, for six miles.  well he won’t be doing any more of that for the next 30 days as he was sentenced to jail for that time peroid.  he also received 24 months probation and $1500 in fines.

now look, i don’t think that running six miles each day naked would spice my life up.  there are many other things i would try first.  however, this guy obviously enjoys it and it adds the excitement he needs even though he says he did it for all the right reasons.

rotta told police he didn’t indulge his habit to disturb anyone or receive sexual gratification and generally confined his running to open fields and wooded areas away from roads.

come on now are you really going to be the person who calls the cops on this guy?  it isn’t like he is standing outside your house.   he is just getting his freak on and trying to do it away from all people.

let’s raise our glasses to russell, may your balls slam against your leg each day after your release from prison.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/07/13/teen.sex.ap/index.html

brian: dude…doesn’t matt ever work?
rob: i know man he was at my cube telling me all that he told you only 5 minutes ago.
brian: he is such a cube crawler.

let’s examine what i believe to be one of the staples of high school life and also something extremely prevelent in office life.

cliques

remember in high school as you would walk through the maze of people standing around the same lockers every day? now picture your work space. that’s right you are walking through the office and there are the same groups of people huddled around each other’s cubes everyday. wait what’s this? they sit together at lunch too and they speak in hushed tones in the afternoon.

the common bond that brings each different clique together isn’t much different from high school.

nerds. you definitely have your nerds who hang together in your work space. they talk about how they are going to make a macro to format reports so they only have to do it this one time. they talk about what video games they play all night long after work. generally they still have acne too.

hotties and preps. these people generally run your company just as they ran your high school. in 9 of 10 cases they still look good and they make all the decisions. not to mention they still ignore anyone outside of their circle. a lot of these people have offices (note: four walls with a door) instead of cubes and if they don’t have an office they are moving their way towards it.

stoners. there is a bit of difference here because the druggies and drunks that you had in high school were nothing compared to this crowd. the people associated with this clique at your work is lazy and barely gets its work done. when it does it is usually all wrong or at least filled with errors. the coke whores and heroin junkies here live for the drugs my friends. your typically pot head can’t hold a candle to these folks.

think about these similaries and watch for the cliques at your work. just revel in the fact that while we are all older and more “mature” we will never escape the juvenile behavior of our high school years.

oh yeah it did and it could only have happened in the fatter-than-the-rest-of-the-us-and-world midwest. i mean where was this guy going with his pig parts? if i had to venture a guess i would say some family pig roast in wisconsin; no doubt there was a beer truck following closely behind.

anyways in the article they mention the spill:

“this is obviously something that’s really hard to clean up,” claffey said.

no doubt. just think you could be sitting on a highway with pig parts all over it instead of at your desk.