Detroit criminal defense lawyer James Howarth, described as a “veteran” of law, whatever that means, is very upset about a recent dispute with the IRS. Apparently, he received a letter from the Internal Revenue Service stating he owed them money and, if not paid promptly, would accumulate interest and/or penalties.

Yikes!  Bad news, unless what you owe is actually five cents! Yes, he owes them a nickel.

Now, for most of us, as ridiculous as the amount is, we’d just write a check, mail it out, and be done with it. I mean, after all, it’s a stupid nickel. Right? Not James!  He’s upset about it because:

As he figures it, there is the 5 cents plus the cost of a check — payment must be made by check or money order. Then there is his CPA’s fee, an envelope, his secretary’s time, his own time and a 42-cent stamp.

And, by his calculations, the costs are several hundred times over what he actually owes.

I don’t really even know what to say. First of all, I’m a bit shocked someone wrote an article about this, and second, PAY THE STUPID NICKEL AND QUIT BEING AN IDIOT!! It’s really, really simple. I have a feeling, being a veteran of the law, you’ve managed to save up some money, but if you really need help, I’ll give you the nickel, provide the envelope, and lick the stamp if you promise to quit wasting everyone’s time.

But don’t worry, folks.  Like a real Hollywood thriller, things take an interesting turn from here.

James actually received a second letter shortly after the first, presumably while he was sulking/mediating on the nickel fiasco, telling him there was an error and that he was supposed to receive a four cent refund, which he has to pick up himself. So clearly the IRS is either playing a joke, or is bored as well, but at any rate, again, this should be the point in time when most people, sane people, rip up the envelope and go about their lives. Who cares about four cents?

James does! His main argument:

“When I owe them a nickel, I must pay them,” he said. “It’s not optional. But when they owe me, I have to ask for it.”

Yes, that’s right. And I have a feeling if they owed you $1000, you wouldn’t be complaining. You’d be in your car at the IRS within the hour.  I’m sure you could argue the principle of the matter until you’re blue in the face, but you could do that about anything. I hate taking the trash out, but it needs to get done. A McDonald’s Fish-wich is disgusting, yet people order them during Lent all the time. They want you to pick up a nickel, so either go pick it up or forget about it. If your argument is how unfair this all is, I think you are wasting everyone’s time.

And, just to prove he has a sense of humor, or maybe he actually means it, who knows, James goes on to say:

“I might apply for a bailout […]”

Reading this article has made me realize two things: 1.) I would never hire this guy to be my attorney…EVER, and 2.) The IRS never quits, not even for chump change.

Check out the article here.

Ciao.

And, I think now’s a good time to bring up the fact that every time I stare into Renny Harlin’s mug, my soul cries out and shrivels up a bit…actually, quite a bit.

Damn you!

Anyway, assuming Mr. Harlin and his cronies stay away from me and MG for an extended period of time, regular posting should resume shortly.

Ciao.

Recently, his wife Deborah went to a local supermarket to get a cake decorated for their three-year-old son’s birthday bash, only to be denied. Turns out, the supermarket employees thought what Mama Campbell wanted printed on the dessert was “inappropriate.’’Feeling he had been slighted , Heath went on the offensive:

“There’s a new president and he says it’s time for a change; well, then it’s time for a change…They need to accept a name. A name’s a name.”

Why all this hullabaloo, you ask?

He named his kid Adolph Hitler. Ugh…seriously. Again, Heath:

“I think people need to take their heads out of the cloud they’ve been in and start focusing on the future and not on the past…No one else in the world would have that name.”

Is that your argument? You named him Adolph Hitler Campbell because no one else would ever have that name?  And it’s hard to focus on the present when you’ve named your child after the most notorious criminal in human history. I mean…c’mon, idiot. Think a little bit!  Can you honestly say you didn’t think people would throw up a fuss (rightfully so) when you picked out that name?

If I think of the name Kyle, for instance, I think of a handful of kids I knew growing up, some good, some bad.   Even the name Adolph…that’s a fine name, in its own right, and very popular in certain parts of the world, if I’m to understand correctly. But Adolph Hitler conjures up just one man, and one man only.  There isn’t a spectrum of Adolph Hitlers you knew/know like the name Brian or Steve or Jimmy.  There is no confusing this name.

Heath claims all of his ancestors are from Germany, and that he was raised to properly appreciate his heritage. Fine. But I’m English and I’m not planning on naming my kid Reggie Kray or Ernst Stavro Blofeld.

And to prove he’s really not a racist, Heath invited some “mixed kids” (his words) to his son’s birthday party. He says:

“If we’re so racist, then why would I have them come into my home?”

That’s a good question…BECAUSE YOU’RE GOING TO TRAP THEM! GET OUT, KIDS!

But seriously, this guy is a moron of the highest caliber. On top of the excruciating cultural faux pas he and his wife committed, he went even further, naming his eldest daughter JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell, which is far superior to Katy IHateBlacks Campbell, their original choice.

Check out the story here.

Ciao.

(Feel free to click that beautiful piece of bracket to get a bigger version.)

Anyway, it’s really simple.  Each in a series of posts will detail a single round of head-to-head bouts featuring great sci-fi programming in a multitude of genres.  The genres/categories are:

Science & Time Travel
Aliens & Time Travel
Super Heroes & Time Travel
Miscellaneous

Now, while time travel may not be a series-long staple of every show present, these shows have been carefully selected because, at some point at least, they have dealt with this sci-fi twist in a wholly unique/refreshing/lame way that could not be ignored.

Who will be crowned best of the best and win the Multi-dimensional Championship? Stay tuned, and make sure to weigh-in with your comments below.

ROUND ONE: SWEET 16

SUPER HERO TIME TRAVEL BRACKET (Ryan)

Heroes v. Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman

I know, I know….”They’re real, and they’re spectacular!” But Terri Hatcher’s tits can’t save Lois and Clark in this battle-royal. Sure, Superman is the shit. But I have a few issues here. It was only a couple episodes that dealt with the subject of time travel. And while the episodes were “creative” by giving H.G. Wells a cameo appearance, they were sub-par at best. My main issue here is that Clarky-poo didn’t even use his own super powers to travel back in time (like when Superman reversed the rotation of the planet). He had to hitch a ride on H.G’s homemade time machine, and that is just lame.
Then we get to Heroes. And while the second season was absolutely terrible, Hiro (the time traveling hero) is single-handedly bringing back the luster. Hiro is the mild mannered time-traveling superhero that you can’t help but like. And unlike Clark, he doesn’t need H.G. to bring him back in time. He can bend time space.

That is sweet. Winner: Heroes

Smallville v. X-men: The Animated Series

Sorry young Clark, you lose too. The reason is pretty simple. I grew up watching X-men: The Animated Series every Saturday morning at 11 A.M. It was amazing. And when Cable, the time traveling mutant, started to make cameo appearances, I got wood. Watch your ass Apocalypse…you’re gonna get jacked! Now I have nothing against Smallville. There are a ton of hot little pseudo-celebrities with not much on. But that is about the extent of my interest. Tom Welling kinda sucks, and to see Superman as a forlorned teen is pretty eff-ing annoying. Seriously dude, you can fly. Stop crying and shut the f*ck up.

Winner: X-Men

ALIENS AND TIME TRAVEL BRACKET (Ryan)

Doctor Who v. Stargate SG-1
Doctor Who? Seriously, what/who is Doctor Who? After a little research I found that Doctor Who is a time traveling alien, the basis of an English TV series titled the same. Look, I have nothing against the English. Shit, I have an English Grandma and a family Castle in Scotland. But when it comes the genre of TV shows dealing with time travel, America has that market cornered. And when it comes to American TV shows dealing with aliens and time travel, Stargate SG-1 is the shit. Richard Dean Anderson. Need I say anymore? Well if I have to…SG-1 is a spin-off of the Stargate movie which was released in 1994. The premise of the show deals with worm-hole creating “star-gates” which bend space time to instantaneously propel you across the universe. And if this isn’t enough time travel for you, well there’s more. The show has had a number of sub-plots dealing with traveling to ancient Egypt. Long story short, SG-1 was revolutionary, and paved the way for other Sci-fi shows making it mainstream.

Winner: Stargate SG-1

The 4400 v. Star Trek

Jesus.  Really?

Winner: Star Trek

SCIENCE AND TIME TRAVEL (Rob)

Quantum Leap v. Sliders

QL is probably one of my favorite shows of all time. Sam Becket, a super-genius, gets stuck in his own time machine, hopelessly and helplessly leaping through time as he attempts to right the wrongs of history. Honestly, I can’t think of another show that seamlessly blends together time travel and adventure. This is the show that all other sci-fi shows should aspire to be.  Now, Sliders…I used to like this show, for a hot minute, until I realized it’s basically a Quantum Leap rip-off. Four people get stranded through a genius’ wormhole (see?), hopelessly and helplessly leaping through time (see?) - although they also pierce different dimensions as well. As far as time travel shows, it just wasn’t there for me. It’s a decent show, with a decent premise, and decent acting, but this is not a show that can withstand the onslaught of pressure and time. Decent effort, but just not quite there.

Winner: Quantum Leap

Seven Days v. The Adventures of Briscoe County Jr.

Yeah, so Seven Days blows, actually.  I saw maybe two episodes…maybe…and all I know is that there are some time travel elements, but they can only go back in time seven days (what?)…I mean…what kind of time travel show is this? I mean, the idea of time travel shows in general is that they always break the tenets of time travel — always rewriting — and while the science may not be plausible, (hopefully) the show is good enough to catch your attention and get you hooked. So…why not go all the way guys? Seven days? That’s like getting a big softy just when you need a…well…stiffy. Lame. Overall, The Adventures of Briscoe County Junior was a campy, fantastically fresh show. Only part of this show dealt with time travel (magic orbs or something), and while I can’t recall episodes in their entirety, I do think that they pulled out of the proverbial “honey pot” just a bit too soon. The whole concept for the show was tremendous, the acting talent was there, and hell…an Old West dramedy with magical elements? Unfortunately, they just couldn’t keep it together and I think the added sci-fi edge was just too much. Thus, the implosion of the series toward the end. However, it still blows Seven Days away.

Winner: Briscoe

MISCELLANEOUS (Rob)

Lost v. Land of the Lost

I can honestly say there hasn’t been a show that has handled the idea of time travel as elegantly as Lost, and there probably never will be. It upped the ante, to so speak, on how sci-fi can cross over to mainstream. I mean, watch this and tell me you aren’t moved!

Cry, robots, cry!

Yeah. I have nothing else to say. Desmond (really the island) is stuck in time, and he fights through all manner of trials and tribulations to get to his one true love. :swoon:

Plus I love Sawyer…shirtless.

Now, Land of the Lost is a different story. Both of these shows deal with “mysteries”, where Lost deals with, almost exclusively, what the island really is, and LotL deals with how this stupid family gets transported back in time to a weird, prehistoric age with talking apes and lizards. Actually, scratch that. LotL does NOT deal with how or why they traveled back…to the best of my knowledge. It was a campy show, entertaining at times, but truly overlooked the time travel element. The intro states, “[They] were on a routine expedition” then got swept up by some big earthquake, and “found themselves in the land of the lost.” I don’t know about you, but I’ve never adventured with my family, and I don’t plan on starting now. I find this premise to be weak, at best.

Winner: Lost

X-Files v. Simpsons

This will be short. I think Simpsons is highly overrated these days. I’ll watch it if it’s on, but I do not recall time travel in this show. It might have been present in one episode, but since the hundreds of episodes sort of bleed together in my head, as they should, lacking any originality these days, but I just can’t recall it. X-files wins by default.

Winner: X-Files

Next week: The ELITE 8 face off.

Let’s face it. In today’s conspiracy-laced, crime-sceney television milieu, shows like Lost and CSI: San Dimas (I wish!) reign supreme. Back in the day, in the television drama heyday (early-to-mid 1980s to mid 1990s), you could find dramas of every make and model from M*A*S*H*, Law and Order and MacGyver, to Love Boat and Magnum P.I.

Our panelists weigh in on two such quality shows, Quantum Leap and Pretender, deciding once and for all which of these two giants is deserving of the title of Greatest TV Drama of All Time.

Rob: See, this is hard for me. I grew up with Quantum Leap and, for most of my childhood/adolescence, there was nothing better than watching Sam Becket crisscross time and space, righting wrongs and trading quips with Al. That is until Jerod “The Pretender” came along and charmed himself right into my black soul. I mean…this guy was a real genius, doing real, practical things on a weekly, syndicated basis. He “pretended” himself in any role, always finding ways to…well, right wrongs…and did not rely on a quirky hand-held computer or a guy named Ziggy to figure out what to do next. True genius, my friends.

Matt: This is also difficult for me, but in another way. The choice is easy: Quantum Leap. The difficult part comes in when I need to justify it against Pretender. I think I watched one or two episodes of that show. I don’t remember anything about it. So, based on that, I can reasonably argue that it wasn’t good. If it was good, I would have watched it more. But Quantum Leap? That show was simply amazing. Not only did he have to get out of sticky situations, but he had to do so in the manner that whomever he had “leapt” into would do it. He had to become a completely different person and find a way to resolve an issue about which he rarely had prior knowledge. And all he wanted to do was return home. He kept waiting for the one leap that would take him back to his body in some lab in the early 90s. That’s got to be frustrating.

Rob: Frustrating? You want to talk about frustrating? Jerod “The Pretender” had an entire US government agency coming after him, always on his heels. I mean, the guy was abducted as a child, put into this specialty program, escaped as an adult, and all he wants is to see the world. To explore. And every time he starts out trying something new, phonying up some credentials so he can be an engineer in one episode, a pilot in another, for instance, it’s only a matter of time before the G-Men come a-knockin, spoiling his good time. At least Sam Becket could take his sweet time. Sure, he “misses home”, but what IS home, anyway? A true hero would do less complaining and more problem-solving.

Matt: Whoa whoa whoa! Sam Becket could take his sweet time? Is that supposed to be a joke? Did you even watch the show? How many episodes dealt with him having to save somebody’s life or even his own (that is, the person whose body he was inhabiting)? Since all of his leaps were to the past, many of these events had already happened. He couldn’t just stand around as another person, taking in the sights of whatever geographic location he happend to be living in at the time. He had to be on his toes, always on the lookout for what it was he had to do. Jerod never woke up to find himself in the middle of a Vietnam jungle fight. He never woke up as someone trying to help slaves escape the civil war-era South. Jerod may have had his troubles, but he knew where he was and who he was at all times and that counts for a lot when the heat is on. Sam had no such luxuries.

Rob: Luxuries? Ha, his entire life was a luxury. Trips to Vietnam, brushes with real historical figures? I mean, that sounds pretty grand to me. Pretty grand indeed. Anyway, let’s get back on track here: plausibility. I find myself believing in rogue government agencies and super serums over stuck-in-time story arcs any day of the week. I’m not saying I don’t like Quantum Leap, I’m just saying between these two shows, Pretender wins. Flat-out. Every time. I mean, he goes from pretending to be a bounty hunter to an EMS technician, even once admitting himself into a psychological asylum to remedy some issues he’s having. I mean, that’s an introspection that Same Becket doesn’t have.

I also hate Al’s suits. And their sexual tension is palpable:

Matt: I see you need to resort to cheap parlor tricks in order to make your argument. That video has nothing to do with the show. You could splice any show up, add some crappy music and make anyone believe it was never worth watching. That’s a low blow and I thought you had more integrity than that. I guess I was wrong. But the one thing I’m not wrong about is how great Quantum Leap is. Again, I wish I knew more about The Pretender so I could compare the two, but that will never happen. If the primary examples of Jerod’s skills are bounty hunting, EMSing and going insane, then I see no reason to ever watch this show. Give me Dog The Bounty Hunter, Rescue 911 and One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and I’ll call it a day. Jerod = loser.

Rob: I’m just at a loss here. An honest-to-goodness loss for words. Jerod, a loser? No. He’s the PRETENDER, Matt. He pretends himself in any situation, and then pretends himself right out of it. I know a lot of losers. I used to be one. There was no pretending on my part. In fact, I’m willing to go on a limb and say that pretending is the antithesis of slovenly behavior. Jerod is a certifiable genius. We all know it. Now, I’m not saying Sam Becket isn’t a genius, I’m just saying he’s less of a genius, and that, without the help of a generally smart-suited Al, he’d be nothing, stuck in the 1960s as a preggers civil rights activist or something. Yeah.

Matt: There seems to be a theme running through your arguments: Al’s suits. I think you may be onto something. First, you say you hate Al’s suits. Now you describe Al as “smart-suited.” I feel you may have just stumbled upon the paradox of late-eighties-early-nineties clothing. That era’s clothing was one-of-a-kind in simultaneously commanding respect and inspiring hatred in everyone that laid eyes on it. I mean, just take a look at this:

Rob: Well, we’re just going to have to agree to agree on that. Smart-yet-ugly suits aside, these are great television programs, and both are way better than Two and a Half Men. Blech.

That being said, what’s stuck out the most to me so far is the way people dress. It’s incredible, actually. I work in a very, very relaxed environment, and most of the time no one says anything to anyone about the way they dress (some people wear shorts and flip-flips, although they probably shouldn’t). The official stance of my company is that we’re “business casual” Monday through Thursday, with Friday being even more casual with the allowance of jeans to be worn. It goes even further, with each team Manager able to choose the dress code for their immediate staff — depending solely on their preference.

With tha tin mind, one thing I’ve been noticing is the type and style of outfits being worn on a Monday as opposed to a Thursday or even Friday. While technically, I guess it makes sense to have people wearing more formal attire at the beginning of the week when, I would assume, more meeting and whatnot are scheduled, people can come into the building any day of the week. And yes, The Man allows its employees to dress more casually later in the week, I’m assuming mostly to improve morale and whatnot, so I understand there inevitably will be a disparity in the styles worn.

But it’s funny. When I first started, on a Monday no less, everyone was looking so nice, had makeup on, etc., and by the end of my first week, the same classy people looked like denizens of the local dumpster squad. Seriously. It was a radical transformation throughout the course of the week, one that took me by surprise. And I’m willing to bet it’s not just my company. People try their hardest on a Monday, and by Friday, they are so burned out and seeping with just pure loathing for everything work-related, they could give a crap what they’ve put on to come to work.

Thus, I thought I’d chart the evolution of work clothes throughout the week.

Monday

The most professional of all days. Myself, I generally wear a pair of dress pants, a dress shirt, and sometimes a tie. I hardly wear a suit jacket, but I generally pull a nice ensemble together. Sometimes I wear a dress shirt, sweater, and dress pants, but you get the idea. Around the office, women wear anything from nice sweaters and slacks, to long skirts and blouses with sport coats. All-in-all, a nice day for professional wear.

Tuesday

Things get a bit more casual. Not too much, but there is a noticeable difference. I generally still wear dress pants, usually with a tucked-in polo-type shirt, maybe a sweater with a tee-shirt underneath and dress pants. Something along those lines. The women at work have a tendency to still wear skirts and/or dress pants, but now pair them up with less-dressy tops. Still a very acceptable business climate.

Wednesday

There’s a definite jump in style from Tuesday to Wednesday. While most jobs ask that jeans be worn solely on Fridays, technically, we can get away with it most days. However, most people don’t start dusting off the Levis until Wednesday. Personally, I pair mine with a shirt and tie, sweater, or sports coat, just to keep things GQ on my end. Women, again ones I work with, have a tendency to stick to similar principles, wearing their denim with a sport coat or nice blouse or something. I think in this capacity, jeans work very well. Overall, people are still a big cognizant of their clothing choices, but are beginning to get a bit more relaxed.

Thursday

You see an even bigger jump from Wednesday to Thursday in the quality of clothes worn. This is the day when I usually wear a nice sweater with my jeans, start wearing my Converse, or maybe even keep my boots on all day. Women wear jeans, a more casual skirt or dress, sweaters, a non-dressy button-down, casual boots/sneakers, etc. You can definitely tell that people are beginning to care less and less what they’re wearing.

Which leads us to…

Friday

…yikes…

By far the biggest change of fashion/style throughout the week. People have lost all interest in putting a suitable work ensemble together and generally look like idiot slobs. Seriously, I’ve counted at least three people who wear basketball shorts and sandals, numerous individuals who wear inappropriate concert tees or low-cut tank tops, jeans with holes in the rear, hair undone, makeup removed, and, as the picture shows, the boxers/girdle outfit seems to be a popular Friday choice as well.

Ciao.

Matt and I were talking the other day, and he brought up the issue of truck commercials. The conversation went something like this:

“What about them?” I inquired.
“Ever notice how they’re nothing but guys in the desert, and the trucks seem to be doing impossible tasks?” he retorted.
“Yeah…but…yeah, you’re right.”
“Weird, huh?”

And you know, it is weird. Truck commercials (car commercials in general, really) are an oddity. I mean it. I see them daily, as I’m sure we all do, but I don’t actually pay attention to them most of the time. So I sat down after we talked and really watched a few of them and man…who are the ad execs pandering to?

Matt had it right: almost every single one has something to do with hard-working men, sweat, sleeveless tee-shirts, and the desert (or similar barren landscape, presumably where all this manly activity is taking place). Now, I understand that trucks were invented to haul things with. They are used the world over for construction purposes, as well as for other manual labor tasks, but I can promise you, if surveyed, you would see that the majority of the general public buying/using trucks are suburbanites who use them to schlep around their kids.

And I’m really not joking about truck commercials sticking to a specific formula. See for yourself:

Toyota Tundra

Locations: Construction site, desert, warehouse, cornfield
Characters: Construction workers, miscellaneous laborers

Nissan Titan

Locations: Desert
Characters: None

Chevrolet Silverado

Location: Desert/Mountains
Characters: Miscellaneous power-grid laborers/engineers

Dodge Ram

Loctation: Desert/Mountains
Characters: Cowboys (WTF?), military personnel, contractors, firemen

Apparently, where the real action is, is in the desert. Thus, I imagine conversations like this are the norm, according to this stereotype:

“Gotta get that powerline fixed, boys! Go get yer trucks!”
“Gotta haul that slab of conceret, fellas! Get yer trucks in gear!”
“Hey, pals, we really gotta move this dead cow! Truck time!”

That’s what these commercials are saying, I guess. No wonder the American auto industry’s in the crapper.

Ciao.

I’m pissed.

How culturally insignificant are Archie comics nowadays? Seriously, they are worthless and nothing about them ever was or ever will be funny. You see that cover? Just…dumb.

And thinking about how stupid Jughead’s hat is and how super-lame the jokes are got me thinking about other comics, especially newspaper comic strips. Why are they still around? We’re becoming an increasingly paperless society and while at one point each of those comics had troves of readers, I can only imagine readership of Prince Valiant in somewhere in the low teens, if that.

Now, I fervently believe that paper newspapers, no matter how few readers present, will exist in some fashion forever. There will always be a need for someone to pick up a paper on the street. But this still begs the question, how are these “artists” still making these comics? Seriously, they are not relevant. At all. Ever. At one time in history I can see the appeal of following the exploits of some hodgepodge assortment of zany characters, of a continuing and epic story that drew you in on a weekly basis. But these days? I can’t even tell you the last time I was excited to read the comics page. And the last time I did, I’m sure I tore up the pages in a fit of rage.

Don’t believe me on how far-removed from reality some of these strips are? Here’s a few of the “best”:*

1.) Cathy

Wow. Why would I want to read about a miserable, frumpy thirtysomething who can’t seem to find love, hates her job, and has an apparent obsession with chocolate. I do not see the merit in this strip nor can I find any reason that it should have ever existed. Ever.

2.) Tank McNamara

I just…I don’t even get this. Do you? I mean, I guess Tank is supposed to be a “witty” sportscaster, but…really? This is what you got? Nothing about this is good/funny/enjoyable. I want the sour taste that washed up my throat after reading this to depart. Now, please.

3.) Doonesbury

Now, anyone who knows me should know by now the disdain I have for this strip. While not my most hated comic strip, it definitely ranks high. It’s supposed to be political and savvy, and Slate.com is apparently a big fan, but I just don’t like it. Not even sure why. Maybe it’s the fact that all of the characters’ noses resemble erections, or maybe it’s just the bad, unapologetic writing. I’m not sure.

4.) Hagar the Horrible

I used to love Hagar when I was a kid. And, thinking about it now, I’m not exactly sure why. He’s a drunk, a poor excuse for a soldier, and seems to be abusive to his wife on most occasions. In fact, in the realm of insignificance, I would have to say this ranks near the top. A Viking? I mean, who cares, right? What’s he done lately? Oh, that’s right, the same thing. He goes to visit that stupid cloaked wizard, he gets drunk, he sometimes pillages and rides his stupid boat, and he, at all times, annoys me.

5.) Mary Worth

Really? This is what you have to offer, Mary Worth? I mean, she’s old, the comics aren’t funny by any stretch of the imagination and…I dunno. If I wanted to get lectured, I’d call home. I don’t need some stupid 2D granny giving me a guilt trip about planting trees. In fact, I hate all “realistic” comic strips like this. God. Is there anything good about this one…at all?

6.) Family Circus

Haha! S-T-U-P-I-D!

This one tops my list on all accounts. I hate this comic almost more than I hate elderly drivers. I truly cannot understand who would like this comic and why it was ever, ever picked up. How is this guy talented? How is he an artist? Does he really think he’s better than me? I mean…seriously, this is the worst. I can hardly think of anything worse than reading this comic.

See what I mean, though? These are just a small fraction of the comics existing that need to be wiped from the planet ASAP. They just do not make sense and I hate them.

Thoughts?

Ciao.

*I do not claim to own the rights to any of these strips, nor would I…ever.

I suggest putting this song on:

a.) When you have a date over at your place
b.) When you’re hosting a dinner party, to get things “interesting”
c.) When you’re all alone and feeling sad/happy/content/bashful/intrigued/bi-curious/etc.
d.) Basically whenever you find yourself in need of a dollop of Jesse-love
e.) Every moment of every day

Enjoy:

Ciao.

We are also (well, I am, at least) a big fan of John Hodgman, the guy from the Daily Show and from those Mac vs. PC commercials. His humor is incredibly absurdest, and I just think he’s flat-out hilarious.

Well, I never thought I’d see these two topics converge, but they have. Oh, my friends, they have.

I present: SPAMasterpiece Theater (courtesy of BoingBoing.net)

Enjoy.

Ciao.

Jesse’s sort of a big deal in the music scene (seriously, he’s very accomplished), and thus, will be our go-to guy for all things music (and, well, by default, all around arts guru). So, give the man a moment of silence to welcome him to his new home. Wait…is a moment of silence for death? I swear he’s alive. Promise.Check out his non MG website here.

And look, here’s a YouTube video of him!

::swoon::

Ciao.

“widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth’s inhabitants.”…“fearsome floods … horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes.”

And while we at MG wished him the best of luck with his lawsuit, we pretty much chalked that whole mess up to a glaring case of undiagnosed retardation. So you can imagine my joy/frustration/malaise when I read about this Indiana woman who is suing the BMV over not being able renew her religious-themed license plate.

The woman, who had a license plate for 9 years that read ‘BE GODS’, was late this past year in renewing it and was denied when she did. Why? Because of a recent policy adopted this year.

Says BMV spokesman Dennis Rosebrough:

“We do not permit personalized license plates with references to deity.”

Fair enough. But let’s back up. What does ‘BE GODS’ mean, anyway? According to the plate-bearer:

“I associate it with the Bible verse Romans 14:7, 8 [….] No one belongs to himself. If we live, we live onto the Lord. If we die, we die unto the Lord. So whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.”

Hmm, not really drawing a comparison there. When I first read it, I thought she was preaching some new age pagan-esque religion, where the sole tenet is to literally be a god. I got excited, momentarily, and called dibs on Zeus, Lord of Thunder, even though Nick has a huge man-crush on him.

Anyway, the worst part about this is that the BMV took back their ruling and told the woman that she could get the plate after all. Did she retract the lawsuit?

Heavens no. It’s still in full-force.

Ciao.

Well, this picture’s a bit generous. Give them each twenty extra pounds, some weird facial growths, and more split ends than a Halloween wig, and you get the gist. Oh, and here’s another winner:

And thinking about it, this isn’t the first time we’ve seen howling mad vampire/otherworldly creatures fans. Remember the classic 80s film Lost Boys?

I mean, that guy HAS to be a vampire. And look at all the groupies in love with his sax abilities. Crazy.

But seriously, all this nonsense about Twilight has got me thinking about a genre of movies that have invaded pop culture for years: vampires vs. werewolves.

I mean, look at the Underworld series. Supposedly the two species have it out for one another, nonstop, and have been at war for hundreds of years. But why?

Let’s look at them on evolutionary terms. Both species were created with “viruses” of some kind, passed on in both cases by blood (specifically by being bitten). In theory, these are probably the two strongest creatures on the planet. Why, then, would they battle one another? They both feast on us gristly humans, so why not team up to take us down, or even mate to create the ultimate, unstoppable badass?

About the only movie I can even think about that has a vampire and werewolf working together is Monster Squad:

There is a vampire somewhere in the film, I swear, and briefly these two classic monsters work together before they’re destroyed by pre-teens.

And that’s another thing: monsters in movies are entirely too vulnerable. They’re always having garlic shoved down their throats and being shot by silver bullets. I mean, bullets? Who dies by bullets?

Alright, back on track. My point is this: you don’t see lions roaming around, trying to find tigers and killing them. You don’t see hamsters bludgeoning gerbils, or ferrets going after gorillas. Just doesn’t happen. And while werewolves and vamps are humans in alternate forms, they do have heightened animal-like instincts, and I’d like to believe that if they did actually exist, they would work together to systematically wipe humanity from the planet, or at the very least harvest us for delicious steaks.

I guess I just want to see a real film about these guys. No love. No glory. Just a buddy-comedy-type film involving the exploits of a werewolf nicknamed Blue Moona and his best buddy, a vampire named Charles Sanderson, who prey on stupid, weak humans while getting into hilarious and often predictable situations. I mean, this could be a whole series of films ala Lethal Weapon. You could even call it Blue Moon. Then the sequel could be called Blue Moon 2: Blue Moon Rising. And then there’d be Blue Moon 3: Trouble in Paradise. And the list goes on, folks!

So, back to Twilight. Don’t really understand the appeal. It too has vampires battling werewolves, with a stupid, stupid love story at the center of it. And what is the deal with these tween girls thinking it’s sexy to date a vampire? He wants your blood, stupid. Not your love. Never your love.

Never.

Think about it.

Ciao.

To be exact, I’m a huge fan of Christian Bale. But Batman too, though.

Anyway, I’m sure most of you at some point saw The Dark Knight like it was going out of style (yes, it was that good for those who didn’t), and even though it was this past summer’s blockbuster, I’d still like to bring your attention to a fantastically crafted “trailer” for a fictional work called Battle of the Batmans. The movie itself doesn’t exist, but the trailer rehashes every Batman film ever with lightening-quick cuts to make it seem like Michael Keaton (::swoon::), Val Kilmer, George Clooney, and Christian Bale are all out to get one another.

The trailer was shown over at http://black20.com/ back in May, but considering my AWOL-edness this past summer, I think I have a valid excuse for my tardiness. Anyway, here it is, in all its glory:

Pretty cool, right?

And to honor Quantum of Solace, which comes out very soon, they’ve also cut together a short little something involving Pierce Brosnan and Daniel Craig - very funny stuff, folks (especially the added sound effects and quip about Craig’s Golden Compass) Enjoy this one as well:

Ciao!

Most quotable quote: [Michael J. Fox’s Scott Howard about to van surf] “These waves are mine.”

Okay, this is another often-overlooked gem from the 80s starring Michael J. Fox—in his heyday, no less. I mean back then, he was king. Back to the Future? The Secret of My Succe$s? God, he was untouchable.

Per usual, here’s the trailer so you can get reacquainted:

Wow. First and foremost, so glad they’ve made cutting trailers an artform. Trailers from the 80s blow. Bad.Anyway, the movie was truly ahead of its time dealing with equal rights, giving everyone, no matter their “make-up” (little pun there), a fair chance—in this case, the minority underdog being a charmingly savage teenage werewolf. Yes, that’s right. A werewolf. Michael J. Fox stars as a teenage nobody who suddenly discovers he’s a werewolf just like his father (who later laments: “I thought it might skip a generation”). Well, good for us it didn’t, because the result is a rip-roaring good time. Maybe the best time!

And look! Before:

After:

Looks real, eh? I mean, real as it can be, I guess.

So, the movie basically follows the nerdy Scott (Fox) who, once he finds out he’s a werewolf, is thrust in the popular spotlight of his high school. While frightened at first, he eventually accepts his unique pubescent change and ends up scoring with the popular theater chick (isn’t that an oxymoron?), basically ditching his nerdy friends and becoming king of the school while avoiding the dastardly principle who wants to find out and exploit his werewolfedness. A major part of the story also deals with his role on the basketball team after he’s made captain because, well, apparently werewolves can do flips all day, nonstop.

Oh, and the transformation renders his eyes red and laser-like, and he gets a deep, synthesized voice just like a computer might spit out!

Freaky!

Scott eventually finds himself ostracizing those he truly cares about, pushing them to the side while he basks in the attention of his new fans, ultimately learning that there really isn’t a replacement for family and friends.

Oh, and remember that quote up at the top, referencing van surfing (or, rather, urban surfing)? What is it, you may ask? Only the single best scene in the movie!

Could only find it in Spanish, so deal with it.

Scott’s situation is a metaphor for teenagers everywhere and the changes (both inner and outer) we all face as we grow up. It also deals with being okay with yourself, being okay with your own skin, and never giving up on your dreams (I think). There’s also a great lesson in there about underage drinking, and another about the dangers of extreme sports (or maybe it encourages it, I can’t remember). There definitely is a lesson about letting fat guys play basketball.

My Score (out of five):

I don’t know about you, but I like my werewolf movies scary and dripping with blood. While this is a truly great film in many ways, and while I can and have watched it over and over in my waning youth, I just don’t think it’s worthy of “classic” status. There are some fantastically memorable scenes, but man, I wish it would have gone a bit more American Werewolf in London toward the end. And while I do appreciate the effort to identify with lost teenagers everywhere on some grand and theatrical level (ala John Hughes), it just missed the mark.

More Styles would have been nice, too.

Oh, and I’m proposing right now a reinvention of the Teen Wolf franchise starring that loveable wunderkind Zac Efron as the cursed/adorable teenage monster. Seriously. That movie would sell and I own the rights. Contact me, Hollywood. Me.

Ciao.

Most quotable quote: [Peter, to Rufio] “You lewd, crude, rude, bag of pre-chewed food dude.”

God, those Lost Boys were cool.

Question: What’s better than Steven Spielberg directing Robin Williams as a grown-up Peter Pan, Julia Roberts as Tinker Bell, Dustin Hoffman as Captain Hook, Bob Hoskins as Smee, Charlie Korsmo as Peter’s son Jack, Arthur Malet as Tootles, Dante Basco as Rufio, Maggie Smith as Granny Wendy, and a whole mess of boys as…well, the Lost Boys?

Answer: Nothing. Nothing is better than that. There is nothing in the world better better than what I just listed. Nothing!

Okay, seriously, this movie is great. If you haven’t seen it (and shame on you if you haven’t), here’s the trailer:

Wow, right? Could you even imagine there’d be a movie like this…ever? Now, don’t mistake my excitedness for sarcasm. I legitimately love this movie. I can, literally, watch this movie five times in a row. I have. Don’t test me. But…why is it so good?

Simple. It’s got baseball, pirates, a very awkward moment when Tinker Bell grows “big” and tries to molest Peter Pan (who has since reverted to a child-like innocence), more baseball, airplanes, elderly Granny Wendy trying to seduce Peter Pan (his adopted grandmother), and…well, now that I list these things, there is an awful lot of forced intimacy in the film. There’s a scene early on where the Lost Boys, lead by Rufio, corner Peter in a weird make-shift basketball court, and one of the Lost Boys, whose name escapes me and is of little importance, caresses Peter’s cheek with a great deal of tenderness. From this motion, supposedly, he identified the “old man” as Peter, and then the Lost Boys cheer and root for him.

And, as much as I love this movie, this scene just…it’s just odd. See:

Yadda, yadda, yadda. My point is this: the movie rocks. Hardcore.Oh, and there’s mermaids.Okay, my fault. I get so carried away with how much I love this film. The premise is that Peter Pan has left Neverland, grown up in the meantime and become a successful attorney, eventually finding his way back to Neverland to rescue his kids (who were kidnapped by Hook and who has, somehow, come to England without the aid of fairy dust), gets them back, and wages war on the pirates that have otherwise terrorized them. It. Has. Everything.

It not only speaks to generations about the joys of growing older, of letting go of your childhood and learning to take hold of adulthood, of giving up on your dreams and settling for a life you have not chosen, but it also teaches about adoption. Peter was adopted by Granny Wendy when he decides to leave Neverland for good…whose granddaughter Peter ends up marrying…and who tries to get on Peter later on. Wow. Now that’s a love triangle, eh?

It was also an über-successful video game for the SNES:

My Score (out of five):

While this movie may not inspire you to rise up and follow your dreams (although it should), it will tug at your heartstrings in a major, major way. Whether it’s Peter’s daughter singing a song and cooing her pirate captors, or a giant alligator-turned-clock falling down, somehow coming alive, and eating Captain Hook, there’s something for everyone in this motion picture classic.

Ciao.

That’s a real picture, kids. Apparently, courtesy of this article at boingboing.net and reported originally here, someone down in Australia managed to swipe some photos of a golden orb weaver spider munching on a decent-sized bird.  The bird, they figured, got caught in the spider’s unusually-large web, struggling until it could no longer do so, at which point the arachnid strolled down and began having his way with the poor little guy.
I mean…yikes.  I don’t particularly dislike spiders, but man…that thing is monumental.  I mean, seriously, it’s like a little person dressed up like a spider, hanging from a tree and waiting…just waiting.

Anyway, while I’m thinking about it, wasn’t Arachnophobia a good flick?  Jeff Daniels.  John Goodman.  Larger-than-life spiders.  What doesn’t it have?

:sigh: 1990s Jeff Daniel was so dreamy.  Be still my heart.

Ciao.

That political vomit aside, glad to be back…been a long while. And you know what? We’re excited to get back to what we do best: reporting the “news.”

Isn’t it nice to know, that even after a super long hiatus on our end, amid an ever-darkening time in our nation’s economy, that we can wallow in the fact that stories like this are still being reported?

Apparently, local “granny” Edna Jester (jeeze, what a grandma-ish name) didn’t like the neighborhood kids’ ball landing in her yard, and decided to swipe it. I guess she thought it’d teach them a lesson? Here’s Edna’s side of the story:

“This is my life here in this chair, looking out that door, and all I see is playing the ball down and all over and all over. If it doesn’t come in my yard, OK, but if it comes in my yard, I’m going to get it. No trespassing.”

Wow, crotchety doesn’t even begin to describe her. Seriously, is there like a certain age where you immediately start hating EVERYTHING?

The crazy old bird was eventually charged with petty theft, taken down to the local precinct and booked, and, to really stick it to her, all of her Werther’s Originals were confiscated. That’ll teach her. Eating Werther’s is like breathing to old people, they can’t live without them.

See?

Ciao.

Anyway, for those of you who may not be in the loop, just wanted to let you know that I will be moving to South Korea, specifically the city of Incheon, this week to teach English to a bunch of unruly highschoolers.

For the moment, I plan on keeping Midwestern Gothic going (assuming we all have time to keep the posts coming) and I hope you keep coming back to read. I apologize for the decline of posts as of late - we’ve all been between jobs, houses, moving situations, etc.

In the meantime, though, you can check out my new site (www.robertjamesrussell.com) that’ll catalog my day-to-day activities in the “Land of the Morning Calm” - which is what they call it.  It’s not much yet, but I promise to really work on it hard when I get there and get settled.

Ciao and keep on keeping on!

I think I chose wisely.

Anyway, it appears that all the naysayers’ naysaying has indeed been accurate this whole time. Seems the herbal supplement known as Airborne, invented by a teacher and supposedly a cure-all for germs the world over, is nothing but a fraud and is now settling a $23.3 million lawsuit. Says this article:

“There’s no credible evidence that what’s in Airborne can prevent colds or protect you from a germy environment,” said CSPI Senior nutritionist David Schardt. “Airborne is basically on overpriced, run-of-the-mill vitamin pill that’s been cleverly, but deceptively, marketed.”

Damn it all, Airborne!

Now, what I’m really mad about is that I actually fell for it. I’m not that gullible, most of the time, and I definitely do not believe everything I hear and/or read. But I’ve been hearing from people I know in form or another over the last four years about how wonderful Airborne is and how fantastic it’s been in elevating colds/etc. Why would they lie?

Granted, I now realize the fizzy pills were nothing more than placebos and that the pscyhological effects of said placebos are far-reaching, but still…all those little $15 vials I bought? Damn it all. And just for reference, no, I have not saved my receipts - so no refund for me.

And now I’m beginning to question that anti-snore gel I’ve been taking nightly since I was thirteen…it probably doesn’t work either…

::sigh::

Ciao.

UPDATE: Thanks to Nick for pointing this out to me. Apparently you can claim up to six vials with no receipt. Check this site out for a form you can fill out. We must unite!

“Wow!” you say. “Whatever was the matter with his plane?”

Nothing, nothing was wrong with his plane. He landed the plane abruptly:

so his teenage son would not be late for a tennis lesson, CBS station WBBM-TV in Chicago reports.

Jesus. The son of the idiot in question, Robert Kadera, the boy in the plane, went on to say:

the house was hectic Saturday and time slipped by, so [we] figured driving to tennis in Lincolnshire from Lake Villa would have taken too long.

Yeah, sure, that’s logical. First mistake? Listening to your stupid-ass son.  And sure, traffic might’ve been bad.  It’s a very real possibility.  And unlike normal and somewhat intelligent men and women who would just leave a bit early with this in mind, he chose to drive to the airport, fuel the plane, start it up, taxi on the runway, fly to the golf course, hope no one was playing a round, land, and escort the kid to tennis lessons. Yeah, you picked the quick way alright. Idiot.

And the best quote of all?

Kadera said he did not think he’d draw as much attention as he did. He quipped that perhaps he should have taken a hot air balloon or a helicopter so he might have been less conspicuous.

HAHA.  WOW, HE’S SO FUNNY! Please, oh please tell me there isn’t anyone dumber than this man on the planet. He just has to be at the bottom. I don’t know if I can handle the thought of there being someone dumber than him. Seriously…

Check out the article here and gawk at living, breathing stupidity.

Ciao.

Now look at the picture and tell me if you do…

Jesus! Seriously, what is that? Look like two rabbit ears plastered to a pair of chocolate balls. And, as you can see from the wrapper on the left, the treat looks NOTHING like the cute little rabbit.

What the hell, Russell Stover?

What the hell indeed.

Ciao.

With its propensity to be stuck in the past and its inability to get fully onboard with new automotive trends like alternative-resource vehicles, and with the rise of foreign and idealistic conglomerates like Nissan, our panelists weigh in on whether this will even make a difference for the once-great American automobile empire GM, or if this is just the beginning of the end.

Rob: Wow, this just came out of left field, didn’t it? I mean, Jesus. We most definitely did not see this coming, did we?

Matt: Of course we didn’t see this coming. Er, wait. You were being sarcastic weren’t you? Well, in that case, yes, we definitely saw this coming. I’m sorry, but what do you expect when your average hourly employee costs you $78/hour including benefits? When a pool of applicants exists that is willing to work for less than this, why would you not seek out a way of replacing your workforce? It only makes good business sense. Out with the old, in with the new. This restructuring is the only thing that can save GM. Ford is also offering buyouts to its entire U.S. hourly force. Yes, sir, things are changing.

Rob: It’s like what Henry Ford said when he first invented the car: “A government big enough to give you everything you want is a government big enough to take from you everything you have.”

Oh, wait, that was Gerald Ford. But I think it’s applicable here as well. And, to further my argument, I have no idea whatsoever why we’ve adhered to such archaic methods in the automobile industry. I have a copy of TIME magazine from the 50s hanging on my bedroom wall that ran a story claiming that by 1990 we’d all have flying cars. Where the hell are the flying cars, Matt!

Matt: You want to know where the flying cars are? They’re in your head! You’ve been completely brainwashed by the words of TIME magazine. Don’t you know how powerful they are? That magazine, alone, is responsible for the delays in the personal computer and the Internet. If it wasn’t for TIME magazine, bloggers in 1929 would have completely forestalled the stock market crash that eventually led to the Great Depression. You put your faith in false gods, my friend.

Rob: Look, let’s just get back to the point. Not all of us were as lucky as your Uncle Bill.

(Note: Matt’s Uncle Bill escaped the United States on a hot air balloon during the Jimmy Carter administration.)

Anyway, the point is this: I don’t feel bad for automobile industry workers. And quite frankly, I think Unions can go to hell. We all know they don’t do crap, they get overpaid to possibly weld a door to a frame, but probably just to push a button and talk like idiots with their friends. It’s a joke. There’s a reason US productivity (in all walks of life) is ranked among the lowest in the world - we’re lazy as hell!

Matt: I’ll address your points separately. First, on US productivity. If Americans are so lazy, then why, whenever I walk past Gold’s Gym, are all the treadmills and stairsteppers full of people looking out the window at passersby? Hmm? Hmm? Hmm.

And second, if you ever talk about my Uncle Bill again, there will be hell to pay. Yes, my friend, hell!

Rob: I am willing to bet that the “people” on the treads at Gold’s are the same idiots who then go home to eat four burritos alone. Then they “off put” those calories by going bi-weekly to the gym.

We don’t live in a “European clime” and it’s easier, in America (and often times more necessary), to drive somewhere. This is what makes us the world’s leading manufacturer of automobiles.

It just stinks that we can dig ourselves into such a deep and narrow pit here.  Perhaps it’s naive of me, but I’d like to believe that when “they” first started using oil as the sole means of fuel for vehicles, that they were intelligent enough to know there wasn’t a limitless supply of black gold. Chances are, though, they just sloughed this whole issue off for future generations to deal with (read: us).

Matt: Listen, my friend, you’re doing nothing but talking yourself into a corner. So-called “forecasters” have been predicting the drying of oil wells for decades. But that’s all besides the point. I, for one, am glad to see auto companies taking the initiative to reduce their costs. Lower costs for them mean lower prices for us. As my Uncle Bill was fond of saying, “Why pay twice as much for a cow with four legs, when a cow with two legs is just as good? The milk tastes the same and you’ll always know where to find it.”

Rob: Well, your uncle is an idiot and you’re missing the point. I think, from now on, GM (and potentially Ford et al) will be struggling to breathe. In fact, they may never rebound from the egregious mistakes of their predecessors. And maybe, it’s a good thing. With these industry titans gone, we can make room for smaller, more efficient car companies devoted to exploring alternate fuel sources.

It’s like, everyone feels really weird when your weird cousin or senile grandparent is in the room during a holiday, making off-color remarks and babbling incoherently. Everyone just kind of nods and feels super awkward until they’re gone. Then the party really starts.

Matt: Well, I guess we’ll just have to agree to agree. Who knows what the future holds for American car companies, but we both see this as a step in the right direction. When it comes to family, however, this discussion is not over. My uncle an idiot? How dare you, sir!

But that will have to wait for another day.

According to the CNN article,

U.S. border officers found a wire between two fences along the U.S.-Mexican border that, when stretched taut, could have seriously harmed or even decapitated Border Patrol agents

Wow. I mean, at least they’re showing initiative, right? Can’t get across to the land of the free, so we’ll kill the patrol guards instead. That’ll show ‘em!

This is actually kind of horrible, though. Sure, it’s only a decapitating wire now, but soon it’ll be this along the Mexico-America border:

Think about it. It could happen.

Ciao.

Wait, what’s the honor, you ask? Per the article:

The Motor City grabs the top spot on Forbes’ inaugural list of America’s Most Miserable Cities.

::sigh::

I wish I could say it’s a surprise, but, it isn’t. I mean, anyone who has ever driven through Detroit has seen neighborhoods aplenty resembling the picture above.

The article goes on:

Detroit [being] in the top spot, with its sister city Flint ranked third, is probably not a great shock. “If Detroit were a baseball team, we’d say they are mired in a slump,” […] Both Detroit and Flint have suffered tremendously from the auto industry downturn.

Jesus, understatement of the year, huh?  But wow!  At the very least, we have a two-for-one type of deal with Flint, eh!

And just for the record, I am so sick and tired of hearing people complain about the flood of college graduates leaving the state to pursue jobs elsewhere.  Our economy is shot, period (thanks, auto industry!), and quite frankly it’s just depressing to be here.  Sure, Michigan has natural  beauty and whatnot, as well as other charms escaping my mind at the moment, but c’mon!  What’s enticing anyone to stay?  Yeah, you can buy houses cheap, but unless you have a guaranteed job not tied to vehicular transport, you’re screwed.

So, my advice for Detroit?  Pack up and move on.  Seriously.  There really isn’t much that can be done at this point so let’s just get everyone out of there and then we can just ignore the ruined cityscape the same way you ignore a sexual deficiency in your partner (best way to make problems go away, in my opinion).

Ciao.