Midwestern Gothic

New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg is waging a war on salt. Claiming that high amounts of salt can increase blood pressure, a major factor of heart disease, the city is going to try to persuade food manufacturers across the entire country to agree to gradually reduce the salt content of food. This of course comes not long after NYC’s recent initiatives to ban smoking and trans fats.

High amounts of salt can increase blood pressure. So what? The salt content of food is already displayed on nutrition labels. If you want to limit your intake of salt, read the label and wisely stay away from things such as turkey meatballs and chicken noodle soup. Problem solved.

The worst part about this, however, is this little passage:

Thomas Frieden, the city’s health commissioner, said he wants manufacturers and restaurants to join the war on salt voluntarily. If they don’t, the city could pass legislation making it the law.

So the NYC definition of voluntary is ‘do this on your own or we’ll make you do it.’ That appears to be the exact opposite of voluntary. Government officials can spend all the time they want wishing businesses and people would act the way they want them to act. But when they talk like this, they’re simply exposed for the power-loving imbeciles they really are.

If you’ve been reading this blog (regularly or intermittently) since at least December 15, you’ve noticed that the show Quantum Leap has come up for discussion. In this discussion, Rob and I debated the merits and shortcomings of Quantum Leap and The Pretender. Over here, Rob and Ryan created a tournament bracket of time travel shows (hey guys, where’s round two?) in which Quantum Leap easily defeated Sliders. Needless to say, we love the show.

But certain details have recently been uncovered that have, quite frankly, shaken my confidence in the show. The other day, Rob and I were discussing what actually happened when Sam Becket leaped from body to body. More importantly, what happened during the first leap? Did only his mind leave the project or did his entire body disappear upon entering the leap chamber? Well, Rob directed me to the wikipedia entry for the show which states:

In early episodes, it was unclear whether Sam’s mind was leaping into other people’s bodies, or whether his mind and body leaped together. Later episodes make it clear, however, that Sam’s entire body has traveled through time, and that ‘the illusion of [his host’s] physical aura’ surrounds him, making him look and sound like that person to whomever he interacts with in the past (conversely, Sam’s counterpart in the future is surrounded by a similar aura, and looks/sounds, to people at the project, like Sam).

Well, this answers one of the more important and general questions of the show, but it only raises more specific and (I think) very critical issues. First, what is this about Sam’s counterpart in the future looking and sounding like Sam? That would imply that this counterpart was talking to the people in the project. If that’s the case, it appears that this person is fully aware that he has been transported to some scientific lab in the future. So what happens when that person returns to his actual place in the past? Wouldn’t he retain the memory of having just traveled through time to the future and back again? After all, Sam retains the memory of his leaps. This person would most likely do the same. And upon returning, that person would have quite a tale to tell.

The second and much more critical issue has to deal with sex. If both Sam’s mind and body travel through time, that means that Sam’s genetic material travels with him. If the only thing that remains of the host is the illusion of an aura, then that implies that Sam’s genetic material has completely replaced the host’s genetic material. So what, you say? Well, what happens if Sam has sex with a female during one of his leaps and she becomes pregnant? She might think she’s having the baby of someone in the past, but that child is going to carry Sam’s DNA. That’s going to make for one awkward birth when the child emerges with physical features other than the host’s. But even more importantly, what happens if Sam impregnates someone in the past prior to the date he was actually born? In the dimension of time, Sam doesn’t exist at that moment. And yet, there’s the chance he could pass his DNA (which should not yet exist) on to someone else. This is huge!

Now, I am not a physicist so there’s much I don’t understand about space-time and relativity. And if Sam were aware of these issues, I’m sure he attempted to avoid copulation at all costs. And if you’ve been watching Lost, you heard Daniel’s explanation that time can be imagined as a string on which people can move forwards and backwards. They cannot, however, change the events on that continuum and create a separate branch of that string. This would imply that, according to linear space-time theories, it would simply be impossible for Sam to pass on his DNA before it actually existed. But that doesn’t settle the supposition that Sam could pass on his DNA once it existed. He could create a child during a leap if that leap was to a time after his actual birth.

So there you have it. Why am I getting so worked up over unanswered questions and possibilities from a fictional television show that ended in 1993? Because that’s what we do here.

When you live in an apartment building with a community laundry room, cleaning clothes is already more painful than usual. The first reason is the general sharing of washers and dryers. Many times, all of the washers will already be in use after I’ve made the journey from my fourth floor apartment to the basement. Then, the dryers take twice as long as the washers to complete their cycle. So even if I wait for an open washer, I’ll have to wait again for a free dryer once my clothes are clean. Add to this the fact that the act of actually doing laundry on a given day is fully dictated by whether or not I happen to have enough quarters. All of this makes for one annoying tenant-laundry relationship.

But I’ve recently come to the conclusion that there is something much more bothersome than everything described above: front-load washers.

Hmm, yes, let’s produce a washing machine that forces people to bend over to load and unload their clothes rather than just stand over it and throw things inside. Yes! And we all know how once the wash cycle is complete, the clothes become a tangled mass of damp cloth that is impossible to separate into its individual parts during the unloading. This will become even more difficult when we force people to bend over and pull their items out of a small, dark void. YES! And rather than have stray socks, shirts or underwear fall back into the washer during the transfer to the dryer, those loose pieces of clean clothing will fall onto the dirty floor in the interim. YES! YES! YES!

Seriously, how can anyone find a front-load washing machine to be superior to a top-load washing machine? Who thought of this incredibly flawed design? And even after it was designed, who thought to keep making them? And even after they were manufactured, who thought to keep buying them? The owners/managers of my apartment building for one. They bought three. And I hate each and every one of them.

However major or minor, we (almost) always wish our friends here at MG speedy recoveries for any ailments that may afflict them.  Long-time collaborator Classic Jef has recently come down with a…well…you know…”thing”, but he assures me he is doing fine, folks.

In fact, he even sent in a pic of himself smiling…a little pick-me-up to brighten our days:

Yikes.  Yama-hama.  Wow…good, er…luck, Jeff.

Jesus…

PS - Kicking mustache, though.

Ever wish you could spend just an hour with a pet and then get on with your life without having to worry about feeding or cleaning up after it? Feel the same way about your friends and family? Then Japan just might be the country for you!

Customers pay by the hour for her company. Usually they just want to stroke her, but as a special treat for favoured clients, she will lie back in a chair, close her eyes and pose for photographs.

Get all those dirty thoughts out of your mind right now. The above is a description of a typical day at the Ja La La Cafe in Tokyo, one of the city’s many Cat Cafes. Businesses that rent out time with other living things are all the rage over there.

If felines do not appeal, other establishments will rent you a rabbit, a ferret or even a beetle.

A beetle, you say? Well, that’s all well and good, but what if what I really want is to rent some time with a close relative that I don’t get to see that often?

One specialist agency is known as Hagemashi Tai, which translates as I Want To Cheer Up Limited. It rents relatives.

Actors are despatched to play the part of distant relations at weddings and funerals. For an extra fee, they will even give a speech.

Amazing, but what if…

But the firm’s services do not stop there. It can also provide temporary husbands to single mothers who want them.

The website says the “dad” will help the children with their homework. He will sort out problems with the neighbours.

Ah, just what I was thinking. And the options keep coming:

There is a service for women who are about to wed too. Apparently, they can practise for married life with a hired husband, although whether this involves seduction or sock washing is not exactly clear.

Apparently, one can purchase time with another person for almost any purpose. Those Japanese are light years ahead of everyone! Read all about it here.

Normally I don’t like to get caught up in politics - most discussions usually end in bitter silence and both parties have less respect for the other person’s point of view. But this story caught my attention for some reason or another.

On Thursday, Rep. Joe Barton, R-Texas, reintroduced the College Football Playoff Act of 2008.

That’s cute, Mr. Barton. Your team got left out, so now you’re seeking to change the system. Way to play to your base, sir.

But wait, it says “REintroduce”. You mean this bill was already around?

In an April resolution, the House of Representatives formally, if not forcibly, condemned the BCS as “an illegal restraint of trade that violates the Sherman Anti-Trust Act” and also urged the Justice Department’s Antitrust Division to investigate. Since this resolution, though, no serious action has been pursued.

So an entire governing body, well after bowl season, decided this was worth taxpayer dollars. Look, I’m a few credits short of my economics degree, but the NCAA is a business (like it or not). They have a right to run their business however they want. Having congress step in to tell someone how to run their business based on what voters want seems like a recipe for disaster to me. (While you’re at it, Senators, let’s tell Perry’s Deli to add extra bacon to their sandwiches).

Every year, everyone bitches and moans about the BCS. Even Obama got involved. Look, everyone is entitled to an opinion but IF YOU HATE IT THAT MUCH - DON’T WATCH IT!

It’s that simple folks. The BCS is there because it makes a lot of people filthy stinking rich. Why would they change that? Because everyone is complaining? You really think you can tell businessmen and college presidents to stop doing something they know makes a lot of money while they are wiping their asses with $100 bills? I didn’t see USC boycotting their bowl game and giving up all that extra revenue because they disagreed with the system. They went, they played, they cashed their check with smiles on their faces.

If people stop watching, they will stop making money. They stop making money, you might have your playoff. Personally, I don’t want any of my representatives getting involved in sports unless there’s something illegal going on. (No, Mr. Spectre. Taping a football game is NOT against the law, it’s against NFL rules. Stay out of it.)

Even more ridiculous, a Florida representative wanted out of his governmental duties (among them, working on getting the country out of the giant cluster they had a hand in creating) so that he could go to the big-game.

Watch it on TV like the rest of us bud. Or don’t, if you don’t like the BCS.