Midwestern Gothic

…tell them you’re doing your part to become a renewable energy source. We all know about various forms of biofuels, from ethanol to fast food grease. But a doctor from Beverly Hills may have discovered the single greatest source of renewable energy: fat people.

This guy saved the fat from his liposuction patients and used it to power both his own SUV and his girlfriend’s Lincoln Navigator. The doctor himself had this to say:

“The vast majority of my patients request that I use their fat for fuel–and I have more fat than I can use,” Bittner wrote on lipodiesel.com. “Not only do they get to lose their love handles or chubby belly but they get to take part in saving the Earth.” Bittner’s lipodiesel Web site is no longer online.

Unfortuately, it’s illegal in California to use human waste to power vehicles. And I thought that state was supposed to be at the forefront of investment in alternative energy. They’re sitting on a goldmine. And worse, they’re trying to prosecute this guy for turning his patients’ fat into exhaust. Please. This guy is an entrepreneur. He should be on the covers of magazines. This is exactly the type of industrious, creative behavior that this country needs to encourage, not prohibit. It’s a win for everyone.

So, if you really care about renewable energy, do the world a favor: eat. Feel free to enjoy the fattiest foods around. Before long, people will be paying you to take your fat. Is this a great time to be alive or what?

Those of us from MG would like to wish you, dear readers, a fantastic Holiday Season.  We’ll be closing our offices for a few days so we can spend time playing a lot of Super NES and drinking Christmas-themed variety six-packs, but rest-assured, we will be back in the New Year ready to pander to you and your insatiable lust for the truth.

It’s clear that, although the name of this website is Midwestern Gothic, we tend to stray away from limiting ourselves to news or other bits of writing about the actual Midwest. But something big is of course happening in the Midwest right now and, for some reason, we have failed to add our two cents. I’m talking about the arrest of Illionois Governor Rod Blagojevich. Our silence must be broken. (Note: I particularly blame Jef for this since (1) he never ever posts on this site and (2) he lives in Illinois. Get with the program.)

Anyway, this little issue in Illinois has been covered to death. Blagojevich tried to sell a Senate seat, got caught and was arrested…blah blah blah. More interesting news has been released today that President-elect Obama’s Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel might have been somewhat involved. This doesn’t exactly bode well for the incoming president who, among many things, promised to change things in government. This doesn’t sound like change at all.

But I don’t really care if Emmanuel was involved either. The main problem here is Illinois state law that gives the governor the power to appoint a new Senator to a recently vacated seat. What do people think is going to happen? The incentive to use that power for personal gain is way too great. With that kind of power any politician is likely to entertain offers in exchange for his or her support. Maybe not every politician would act on that incentive, but I’m sure offers would be made.

Here’s a novel idea: let the people of Illinois elect a new Senator. They elected Obama and he left. Now they should be able to elect his replacement. I thought that was the whole point of representative democracy. I may be more cynical than the average American and I generally think most politicians are worthless human beings, but I still think we should be able to trust them not to abuse their power to some extent. But we probably shouldn’t allow them to appoint other politicians to what should be elected office. That’s just dumb.

Of course, as I’ve recently stated, I don’t really trust voting either. There are too many idiots out there exercising their right to elect lawmakers. So, in the spirit of pitting candidates against retired sitcom characters, I offer the following as possible Illinois electors. One of these groups of characters should be responsible for determining the most qualified candidate for public office out of the Land of Lincoln:

In my mind, the clear winner here is the Winslows. There are more of them. The candidates would really have to show what they’re made of in order to win that election. They’d have to beat Carl in shooting criminals, beat Laura in cheerleading, beat Eddie in whatever Eddie used to do, beat Mrs. Winslow in being sassy and beat Urkel in being annoying. Since they’re politicians, that last one is a freebie. Regardless, Larry and Balki are pushovers and the Bundys, well they’d just fight with each other rather than do their job of vetting the candidates. So, the Winslows it is. Know hope, Illinois. Know hope.

I’m just going to be blunt here: Heath Campbell is an idiot. Really.

Recently, his wife Deborah went to a local supermarket to get a cake decorated for their three-year-old son’s birthday bash, only to be denied. Turns out, the supermarket employees thought what Mama Campbell wanted printed on the dessert was “inappropriate.’’Feeling he had been slighted , Heath went on the offensive:

“There’s a new president and he says it’s time for a change; well, then it’s time for a change…They need to accept a name. A name’s a name.”

Why all this hullabaloo, you ask?

He named his kid Adolph Hitler. Ugh…seriously. Again, Heath:

“I think people need to take their heads out of the cloud they’ve been in and start focusing on the future and not on the past…No one else in the world would have that name.”

Is that your argument? You named him Adolph Hitler Campbell because no one else would ever have that name?  And it’s hard to focus on the present when you’ve named your child after the most notorious criminal in human history. I mean…c’mon, idiot. Think a little bit!  Can you honestly say you didn’t think people would throw up a fuss (rightfully so) when you picked out that name?

If I think of the name Kyle, for instance, I think of a handful of kids I knew growing up, some good, some bad.   Even the name Adolph…that’s a fine name, in its own right, and very popular in certain parts of the world, if I’m to understand correctly. But Adolph Hitler conjures up just one man, and one man only.  There isn’t a spectrum of Adolph Hitlers you knew/know like the name Brian or Steve or Jimmy.  There is no confusing this name.

Heath claims all of his ancestors are from Germany, and that he was raised to properly appreciate his heritage. Fine. But I’m English and I’m not planning on naming my kid Reggie Kray or Ernst Stavro Blofeld.

And to prove he’s really not a racist, Heath invited some “mixed kids” (his words) to his son’s birthday party. He says:

“If we’re so racist, then why would I have them come into my home?”

That’s a good question…BECAUSE YOU’RE GOING TO TRAP THEM! GET OUT, KIDS!

But seriously, this guy is a moron of the highest caliber. On top of the excruciating cultural faux pas he and his wife committed, he went even further, naming his eldest daughter JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell, which is far superior to Katy IHateBlacks Campbell, their original choice.

Check out the story here.

Ciao.

Okay, so things here at MG have been getting pretty hot and heavy lately, thinking about Scott Bakula and that Pretender dude (:swoon:).  And, naturally, talk started turning to shows dealing with time travel. Some debating occurred as we all picked our favorites, the ones that dabbled in the space-time-continuum the best, then Ryan came up with the best idea ever: Time Travel TV Show Madness!

(Feel free to click that beautiful piece of bracket to get a bigger version.)

Anyway, it’s really simple.  Each in a series of posts will detail a single round of head-to-head bouts featuring great sci-fi programming in a multitude of genres.  The genres/categories are:

Science & Time Travel
Aliens & Time Travel
Super Heroes & Time Travel
Miscellaneous

Now, while time travel may not be a series-long staple of every show present, these shows have been carefully selected because, at some point at least, they have dealt with this sci-fi twist in a wholly unique/refreshing/lame way that could not be ignored.

Who will be crowned best of the best and win the Multi-dimensional Championship? Stay tuned, and make sure to weigh-in with your comments below.

ROUND ONE: SWEET 16

SUPER HERO TIME TRAVEL BRACKET (Ryan)

Heroes v. Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman

I know, I know….”They’re real, and they’re spectacular!” But Terri Hatcher’s tits can’t save Lois and Clark in this battle-royal. Sure, Superman is the shit. But I have a few issues here. It was only a couple episodes that dealt with the subject of time travel. And while the episodes were “creative” by giving H.G. Wells a cameo appearance, they were sub-par at best. My main issue here is that Clarky-poo didn’t even use his own super powers to travel back in time (like when Superman reversed the rotation of the planet). He had to hitch a ride on H.G’s homemade time machine, and that is just lame.
Then we get to Heroes. And while the second season was absolutely terrible, Hiro (the time traveling hero) is single-handedly bringing back the luster. Hiro is the mild mannered time-traveling superhero that you can’t help but like. And unlike Clark, he doesn’t need H.G. to bring him back in time. He can bend time space.

That is sweet. Winner: Heroes

Smallville v. X-men: The Animated Series

Sorry young Clark, you lose too. The reason is pretty simple. I grew up watching X-men: The Animated Series every Saturday morning at 11 A.M. It was amazing. And when Cable, the time traveling mutant, started to make cameo appearances, I got wood. Watch your ass Apocalypse…you’re gonna get jacked! Now I have nothing against Smallville. There are a ton of hot little pseudo-celebrities with not much on. But that is about the extent of my interest. Tom Welling kinda sucks, and to see Superman as a forlorned teen is pretty eff-ing annoying. Seriously dude, you can fly. Stop crying and shut the f*ck up.

Winner: X-Men

ALIENS AND TIME TRAVEL BRACKET (Ryan)

Doctor Who v. Stargate SG-1
Doctor Who? Seriously, what/who is Doctor Who? After a little research I found that Doctor Who is a time traveling alien, the basis of an English TV series titled the same. Look, I have nothing against the English. Shit, I have an English Grandma and a family Castle in Scotland. But when it comes the genre of TV shows dealing with time travel, America has that market cornered. And when it comes to American TV shows dealing with aliens and time travel, Stargate SG-1 is the shit. Richard Dean Anderson. Need I say anymore? Well if I have to…SG-1 is a spin-off of the Stargate movie which was released in 1994. The premise of the show deals with worm-hole creating “star-gates” which bend space time to instantaneously propel you across the universe. And if this isn’t enough time travel for you, well there’s more. The show has had a number of sub-plots dealing with traveling to ancient Egypt. Long story short, SG-1 was revolutionary, and paved the way for other Sci-fi shows making it mainstream.

Winner: Stargate SG-1

The 4400 v. Star Trek

Jesus.  Really?

Winner: Star Trek

SCIENCE AND TIME TRAVEL (Rob)

Quantum Leap v. Sliders

QL is probably one of my favorite shows of all time. Sam Becket, a super-genius, gets stuck in his own time machine, hopelessly and helplessly leaping through time as he attempts to right the wrongs of history. Honestly, I can’t think of another show that seamlessly blends together time travel and adventure. This is the show that all other sci-fi shows should aspire to be.  Now, Sliders…I used to like this show, for a hot minute, until I realized it’s basically a Quantum Leap rip-off. Four people get stranded through a genius’ wormhole (see?), hopelessly and helplessly leaping through time (see?) - although they also pierce different dimensions as well. As far as time travel shows, it just wasn’t there for me. It’s a decent show, with a decent premise, and decent acting, but this is not a show that can withstand the onslaught of pressure and time. Decent effort, but just not quite there.

Winner: Quantum Leap

Seven Days v. The Adventures of Briscoe County Jr.

Yeah, so Seven Days blows, actually.  I saw maybe two episodes…maybe…and all I know is that there are some time travel elements, but they can only go back in time seven days (what?)…I mean…what kind of time travel show is this? I mean, the idea of time travel shows in general is that they always break the tenets of time travel — always rewriting — and while the science may not be plausible, (hopefully) the show is good enough to catch your attention and get you hooked. So…why not go all the way guys? Seven days? That’s like getting a big softy just when you need a…well…stiffy. Lame. Overall, The Adventures of Briscoe County Junior was a campy, fantastically fresh show. Only part of this show dealt with time travel (magic orbs or something), and while I can’t recall episodes in their entirety, I do think that they pulled out of the proverbial “honey pot” just a bit too soon. The whole concept for the show was tremendous, the acting talent was there, and hell…an Old West dramedy with magical elements? Unfortunately, they just couldn’t keep it together and I think the added sci-fi edge was just too much. Thus, the implosion of the series toward the end. However, it still blows Seven Days away.

Winner: Briscoe

MISCELLANEOUS (Rob)

Lost v. Land of the Lost

I can honestly say there hasn’t been a show that has handled the idea of time travel as elegantly as Lost, and there probably never will be. It upped the ante, to so speak, on how sci-fi can cross over to mainstream. I mean, watch this and tell me you aren’t moved!

Cry, robots, cry!

Yeah. I have nothing else to say. Desmond (really the island) is stuck in time, and he fights through all manner of trials and tribulations to get to his one true love. :swoon:

Plus I love Sawyer…shirtless.

Now, Land of the Lost is a different story. Both of these shows deal with “mysteries”, where Lost deals with, almost exclusively, what the island really is, and LotL deals with how this stupid family gets transported back in time to a weird, prehistoric age with talking apes and lizards. Actually, scratch that. LotL does NOT deal with how or why they traveled back…to the best of my knowledge. It was a campy show, entertaining at times, but truly overlooked the time travel element. The intro states, “[They] were on a routine expedition” then got swept up by some big earthquake, and “found themselves in the land of the lost.” I don’t know about you, but I’ve never adventured with my family, and I don’t plan on starting now. I find this premise to be weak, at best.

Winner: Lost

X-Files v. Simpsons

This will be short. I think Simpsons is highly overrated these days. I’ll watch it if it’s on, but I do not recall time travel in this show. It might have been present in one episode, but since the hundreds of episodes sort of bleed together in my head, as they should, lacking any originality these days, but I just can’t recall it. X-files wins by default.

Winner: X-Files

Next week: The ELITE 8 face off.

Let’s face it. In today’s conspiracy-laced, crime-sceney television milieu, shows like Lost and CSI: San Dimas (I wish!) reign supreme. Back in the day, in the television drama heyday (early-to-mid 1980s to mid 1990s), you could find dramas of every make and model from M*A*S*H*, Law and Order and MacGyver, to Love Boat and Magnum P.I.

Our panelists weigh in on two such quality shows, Quantum Leap and Pretender, deciding once and for all which of these two giants is deserving of the title of Greatest TV Drama of All Time.

Rob: See, this is hard for me. I grew up with Quantum Leap and, for most of my childhood/adolescence, there was nothing better than watching Sam Becket crisscross time and space, righting wrongs and trading quips with Al. That is until Jerod “The Pretender” came along and charmed himself right into my black soul. I mean…this guy was a real genius, doing real, practical things on a weekly, syndicated basis. He “pretended” himself in any role, always finding ways to…well, right wrongs…and did not rely on a quirky hand-held computer or a guy named Ziggy to figure out what to do next. True genius, my friends.

Matt: This is also difficult for me, but in another way. The choice is easy: Quantum Leap. The difficult part comes in when I need to justify it against Pretender. I think I watched one or two episodes of that show. I don’t remember anything about it. So, based on that, I can reasonably argue that it wasn’t good. If it was good, I would have watched it more. But Quantum Leap? That show was simply amazing. Not only did he have to get out of sticky situations, but he had to do so in the manner that whomever he had “leapt” into would do it. He had to become a completely different person and find a way to resolve an issue about which he rarely had prior knowledge. And all he wanted to do was return home. He kept waiting for the one leap that would take him back to his body in some lab in the early 90s. That’s got to be frustrating.

Rob: Frustrating? You want to talk about frustrating? Jerod “The Pretender” had an entire US government agency coming after him, always on his heels. I mean, the guy was abducted as a child, put into this specialty program, escaped as an adult, and all he wants is to see the world. To explore. And every time he starts out trying something new, phonying up some credentials so he can be an engineer in one episode, a pilot in another, for instance, it’s only a matter of time before the G-Men come a-knockin, spoiling his good time. At least Sam Becket could take his sweet time. Sure, he “misses home”, but what IS home, anyway? A true hero would do less complaining and more problem-solving.

Matt: Whoa whoa whoa! Sam Becket could take his sweet time? Is that supposed to be a joke? Did you even watch the show? How many episodes dealt with him having to save somebody’s life or even his own (that is, the person whose body he was inhabiting)? Since all of his leaps were to the past, many of these events had already happened. He couldn’t just stand around as another person, taking in the sights of whatever geographic location he happend to be living in at the time. He had to be on his toes, always on the lookout for what it was he had to do. Jerod never woke up to find himself in the middle of a Vietnam jungle fight. He never woke up as someone trying to help slaves escape the civil war-era South. Jerod may have had his troubles, but he knew where he was and who he was at all times and that counts for a lot when the heat is on. Sam had no such luxuries.

Rob: Luxuries? Ha, his entire life was a luxury. Trips to Vietnam, brushes with real historical figures? I mean, that sounds pretty grand to me. Pretty grand indeed. Anyway, let’s get back on track here: plausibility. I find myself believing in rogue government agencies and super serums over stuck-in-time story arcs any day of the week. I’m not saying I don’t like Quantum Leap, I’m just saying between these two shows, Pretender wins. Flat-out. Every time. I mean, he goes from pretending to be a bounty hunter to an EMS technician, even once admitting himself into a psychological asylum to remedy some issues he’s having. I mean, that’s an introspection that Same Becket doesn’t have.

I also hate Al’s suits. And their sexual tension is palpable:

Matt: I see you need to resort to cheap parlor tricks in order to make your argument. That video has nothing to do with the show. You could splice any show up, add some crappy music and make anyone believe it was never worth watching. That’s a low blow and I thought you had more integrity than that. I guess I was wrong. But the one thing I’m not wrong about is how great Quantum Leap is. Again, I wish I knew more about The Pretender so I could compare the two, but that will never happen. If the primary examples of Jerod’s skills are bounty hunting, EMSing and going insane, then I see no reason to ever watch this show. Give me Dog The Bounty Hunter, Rescue 911 and One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and I’ll call it a day. Jerod = loser.

Rob: I’m just at a loss here. An honest-to-goodness loss for words. Jerod, a loser? No. He’s the PRETENDER, Matt. He pretends himself in any situation, and then pretends himself right out of it. I know a lot of losers. I used to be one. There was no pretending on my part. In fact, I’m willing to go on a limb and say that pretending is the antithesis of slovenly behavior. Jerod is a certifiable genius. We all know it. Now, I’m not saying Sam Becket isn’t a genius, I’m just saying he’s less of a genius, and that, without the help of a generally smart-suited Al, he’d be nothing, stuck in the 1960s as a preggers civil rights activist or something. Yeah.

Matt: There seems to be a theme running through your arguments: Al’s suits. I think you may be onto something. First, you say you hate Al’s suits. Now you describe Al as “smart-suited.” I feel you may have just stumbled upon the paradox of late-eighties-early-nineties clothing. That era’s clothing was one-of-a-kind in simultaneously commanding respect and inspiring hatred in everyone that laid eyes on it. I mean, just take a look at this:

Rob: Well, we’re just going to have to agree to agree on that. Smart-yet-ugly suits aside, these are great television programs, and both are way better than Two and a Half Men. Blech.